I'm Burning the Memories (Closed-Grizz)

Sandblaze hasn't been the same since Maplepaw, no, Delta, left SkyClan and chose the exile. Those few days still rolled through her head, figuring out what went wrong and how she could have solved it. But even with thinking through everything, there really was nothing she could have done. Instead, she would focus on what she could do now to support the three brothers, particularly Sandblaze and Lightfang. Both of them had been slacking on their duties a little, understandably, so Burningsun took it upon herself to cover for both of them. She was exhausted, but it was what she had to do.

As the days drew on, Burningsun had come to the realization- She loved Sandblaze. It had been the two of them since apprenticeship. Since the night he begged her to sneak out of camp with him, and they talked. It had been the night where he let it slip that Daylily was not her mom. It had taken a while, but eventually Burningsun was thankful for that.

How Sandblaze has been acting was hurting her. There was something that she could do though. Burningsun would reignite their romance. Give him hope, and love. They could have kits together, too.

So she asked Sandblaze to meet her ontop of the Halfstone when the moon reached highest. The firey warrior's pelt glowed dimly in the moonlight, still mostly full from the Gathering.

Bleary-eyed and heavy-pawed, Sandblaze met Burningsun by the Halfstone and forced a kind smile. Her dual colored eyes threatened to pierce the veil he had set up in front of his heart. He feared it in all its bright, shimmering glory. Many things filled his dark heart with terror now. He had nightmares of all the things that awaited Delta outside the safety of SkyClan. Sometimes, he swore he saw Starlord in the midst, blood seeping from his eyes, nose and mouth, speaking in tongues. In these dreams, Starlord tore him up by his scruff and whispered his wrongdoings to Sandblaze, casting his judgement on his mistake of a son. He woke each time hissing and spitting something fierce. When he was a better tom, a passionate and adventurous youngster, he might have indulged in Burningsun's tenderness and nuzzled his face in her gleaming pelt. She was beautiful. He was not.

At that moment, he knew it was not meant to be. To curse her kittens with his mud blood and the pain of his hereditary evil would be too much, even for him. How to break the news, however, without betraying his own suffering and anxiety, was the hard part. Why burden her? After all, she could run into Caspian's embrace just as easily. It was no harm done... Right?

"Hello, Burningsun," he said softly, his voice like the swaying of willow branches. "What are you up to this time?"

Burningsun's ears flicked as the sound of soft footsteps graced her ears. He was here. A wave of fierce anxiety crashed into her and suddenly, she wasn't sure if she could go through with what she was going to ask him. She was sure that it would be a surpise- neither have them had verbally spoken about this. As Sandblaze approached, she studied his light form, her eyes brimming with... some emotion.

As Sandblaze approached the rock, Burningsun scooted over to allow him an easier place to sit. "Hey, Sandblaze." she chirped, not picking up on the tom's somber attitude. "It's going great, you cutie." Even as she said it, the words felt weird coming out of her mouth. 'You cutie'. What a mousebrain she was.

Shifting awkwardly, Burningsun quickly moved on to hide her awkward words. "Well, Sandblaze," she started, her mind racing. She had practiced her words with Daylily for a few sunrises now, her mother's encouragement filling her even to this point. "I still remember the night we first ran away together, many moons ago in our apprenticeship. The reflection of the shining moon in the creek, and how your blue eyes seemed to glow. The feel of your fur against mine for the first time." The she-cat's voice was soft, but shaky like a tree branch in a windstorm. "Ever since then, I knew that I loved you. Seeing you sad over Delta's exile has killed me, and I've been trying to help you as much as possible. I, uh, asked you here today, Sandblaze, to see uh, if you wanted to be my mate." As the words escaped her lips, her tail trembled. It was the biggest moment of her life, aside from her warrior ceremony. Refusing to let him speak before she finished her script, however, she pressed on. "Together, we can be strong. When you are weak, I will be strong. When I am weak, you'll be there to care for me. You can't say that you don't love me Sandblaze, I know you do! It's been just us, and it could always be just us!" Finally, she turned to look Sandblaze in her eyes. Her eyes burned with so much. Fear. Love. Anxiety. She felt all of it in this moment, yet she was sure of Sandblaze's response.

As Burningsun spoke, Sandblaze stopped hearing the words. They fell from his ears in exchange for the fierce drumming of his pulse. With hunched shoulders, the tom wrenched his eyes shut and pretended to listen. He already knew what she had said. He didn't need to hear what would only break him deeper. He felt a great splitting and groaning inside him, branching from the hairline fracture left by Delta's exile. It was a Great Emptiness, one that consumed him like a sickness. He would infect her any minute now. It was inevitable. In a different time, he might have rolled his eyes at his own edginess, but he had never known a pain like this before. Everything felt turned on its head without his sister. Her absence was a reminder that he failed what he had tried so hard to do. What else could he do?

Well, actually, he did know, didn't he? All he had to do was run. He moved through the trees like he had wings of his own. His movements were lumbering and stupid on the ground. Perhaps he could outrun the sinking feeling through the trees. There was no need to push it down if he simply escaped it. Pressing his claws into the rock's surface, scratching them one by one against the stone, he braced himself for the inevitable. He braced himself for the sprint that would follow it. Burningsun would not be able to stop him. He approached her with softness. He licked the top of her head, nuzzled her chin for the last time. When he pulled away, he couldn't bear look her in the eye.

"I'm not strong, Burningsun," he said defeatedly. "You couldn't understand the weight on my shoulders. Not ever in your entire lifetime." He commanded the tears in his eyes to return inside his body, but they didn't listen. His blue eyes became just like the creek that first night so many years ago. And then, he lied through his teeth and felt his heart tear on every word. "I don- I can't- I can't love you. I don't. I've lost my little sister, and she took all the love in the world with her. I have nothing left. I can't be your mate. Please understand." With that, he relinquished his hold on the one she-cat who could have loved him back. Sandblaze turned away just in time to miss the look on her face as her heart broke, and he felt remorseless. It was for Burningsun's own good. A few moments of pain versus a lifetime of sin and muddied blood was a good enough excuse for him. In a second or two, the tabby had scaled the height of a tree and taken one last look at the one who loved him most.

"Please."

And then, he was a blur, leaping from treetop to treetop. He had no idea where he was headed, but all of his tears were left behind.