how do you know what to say

In the days since ShadowClan was ousted from their own territory, Mothpaw's thoughts had been a bit harder to grasp than they usually were. She was always flighty, even at the best of times, but this was something different. The things that led up to their leaving weighed on her - being asked to choose between her sister and her father, her sister delivering harsh words that felt like they tore a hole in her heart. She hadn't been able to understand it, before now; she'd needed the time and distance that their time here in RiverClan was currently providing.

And she'd had just enough distance to form a plan. ShadowClan would go home eventually, that much was inevitable... And she would have to face Silentpaw, after everything she'd said. She'd always thought highly of her sister, but... She couldn't deny that Silentpaw's words had hurt her on a level she'd never really felt before. And some of it rang too close to her hollow heart. After all, her criticism may have felt cruel, but... Some of it rang true. Their misadventures were always her fault, she never knew what to do... She was clever enough to realize that she wasn't the clever one, at the very least.

But with time to think it over, Silentpaw wasn't the only one to have problems. She wasn't nothing, whatever her sister might believe. Lucky for Mothpaw, she happened to know a cat who was particularly good at telling others what she thought of them, even if the truth was harsh. If anyone could give her some advice, it would be...

"Thornbriar?"

Something about Thornrbiar asking a simple question sent Mothpaw back to the days when she'd been her apprentice, and she opened her mouth to say 'nothing', before recalling where she was. She wasn't in ShadowClan camp, trying not to get caught causing a bit of trouble. She was in RiverClan's camp, trying to find the words to convey an emotion she wasn't sure how to express. "You're, um... Really good at saying what you think. Without caring what anyone else thinks." She paused. "I... Silentpaw said some stuff that hurt to hear. A lot. And I... I want to tell her that. But I don't know how to say it without... Without feeling like I'm just a cornered mouse." Another pause. "I just... I just want to say what I think."

At that, Mothpaw faltered. But only for a moment, as the memories of what exactly Silentpaw had said to her came rushing back.


Her sister's words echoed in her mind as her heart shattered all over again. "I... I don't know," she admitted. "I'm not good at this. Or much of anything, really. She was right, at least a little bit... I always mess things up and then I don't know how to fix them, even though fixing things is what I'm supposed to do now!"

She lowered her head and took a deep breath. "All I ever wanted to do was help! But I just... Break things... Over and over again. I thought maybe picking a different path would help, but it's only gotten worse... And I just want to go home, but..."

For Mothpaw, home had always been wherever Silentpaw was. Now, though... She wasn't sure. But here with Thornbriar, she felt a little closer to it than she'd been before.

"Y'know... I always admired her. 'Cause when Silentpaw talked, it was important! Everyone listened! I didn't have that, so I talked more instead, because maybe then they'd pay attention! And maybe what I said would be important too! And Silentpaw was smart and knew how to fix things... Even my mistakes. Especially my mistakes, 'cause I just kept making them, all the time! And I tried to help, but it only ever made things worse... And I tried to protect her, because she seemed scared sometimes and I wasn't... And I guess I wasn't supposed to do any of that because now she hates me! And I can't hate her because she's my sister! But I'm upset and I don't know how I can say it without her just reminding me that I've always been completely useless, like I don't already know that she's so much better than I am!"