the world is closing in on me [closed]

There had never been a time that Ivypaw had felt as low as she did now. No matter how much hunting she did, nothing seemed to block the constant stream of negative thoughts from her brain. The only thing she could do was work, work, and more work- if she tired herself out enough, she'd be able to go straight to sleep when she curled up in her nest at night. For her, there was no such thing as overworking. No amount of hunting, patroling, or battling she did would be too much, not if it earned her her warrior name. The sun was directly above her as she laid in the middle of camp, letting the sun beat down on her back. She didn't have too much longer until her next patrol, and she wanted to get some rest in before it came. If she didn't, she wouldn't be able to perform the absolute best to her ability. She ignored the pain in her muscles as she shifted her head to rest on her paws, her tail curling around her body. She let her eyes shut, just for a moment.

The gray and white warrior sighed as she padded heavily back into camp, setting two fish down on the fresh kill pile. She was so tired... But she didn't want to be in camp either. At least a task that kept her mind and paws busy prevented her thoughts from wandering across the gorge and back in WindClan's moors. She shook her head, trying to shake the idea away as quickly as it came. Stars, not again! There was no way that she could pursue a relationship with the tom, unless.... No. She silently commanded herself. Enough is enough. It's not possible, unless you want to sneak around. Besides, Raventail probably didn't feel the same way. She gazed absently around the camp before her eyes landed on Ivypaw. The apprentice had been staying busy as well, pushing her paws to the limit. Perhaps she would enjoy some company, even if it was just silent company.

Padding over and settling herself next to Ivypaw, Dappleshine purred quietly. She hoped that the apprentice didn't mind her company, she thought as she twisted her head to groom her chest absently. "Mind if I join you?"

Startled, Ivypaw shook her head at the grey she-cat in front of her. "O-oh, of course," She smiled at Dappleshine, her green eyes now wide awake as she watched the warrior groom down the fluff of her chest. Subconsciously, she began to do the same. Hours of dirt and mud from her hunting and patrolling were matted into the fur on her legs and chest, and a feeble attempt to get it off now might at least make the job easier later on that night. As the silence grew thick between the two she-cat's, Ivypaw became more and more uncomfortable with it. She wasn't quite up to a conversation at the moment, but she wasn't sure if she was up for putting up with the silence, either. With a nearly inaudible sigh, she looked up to the younger cat with a smile. "So, were you successful in your hunt today?" A ghastly attempt at conversation, but an attempt nonetheless.

Dappleshine blinked at the apprentice warmly as she started to groom her own chest, and noticed the mud and grime built up there. Her eyes softened, and her head tilted slightly - it was clear that something was weighing on the she-cat's mind, but the warrior wasn't quite sure how to go about getting her to open up. For now, she just stayed quiet, mulling over options in her head. When Ivypaw broke the silence, she looked up, meeting the other she-cat's gaze. "Oh! Yes, quite successful. Greenleaf has really brought out the prey, even after everything that happened in Newleaf. I wonder if it's always this way, or if it's usually better, you know, without the flood. How was yours?" She hesitated for a moment before continuing. "I hope I'm not stepping on your paws at all... But it seems like something is weighing on your mind heavily recently. Is everything alright? If you need someone to talk to... I can't promise I'll be able to help much, but I'll be more than willing to listen and do what I can."

A true smile briefly mounted Ivypaw's face as she heard of the great fortunes Dappleshine had encountered while hunting, happy that the Clan was being supported by the best of the best. A nod gently accompanied her quickly fading smile as her fellow RiverClanner spoke of the Newleaf that had just passed and the travesties that had come along with it. It was quite a tragedy, the loss of many great warriors staining the hearts of those who survived. "Oh, mine was... It was okay. I could have done much better, though." She spoke in an overly happy voice, trying to hide the guilt that had come along with not doing the best that she could manage.

And then, Dappleshine's entire tone changed. Was it that obvious? She'd tried so hard to cover her tracks, to make sure no one would notice... And she had obviously failed at that too. "W-Well, nothing's wrong. What makes you think that something is wrong?" She asked carefully. Help...? No, she couldn't accept help from someone else! Then she wouldn't truly be earning her warrior name, it would be earned in part by another cat. That simply would not do... Her features contorted just for a moment as she tilted her head, her guarded gaze meeting Dappleshine's light blue eyes.

As Ivypaw smiled a true smile, her shoulders relaxing marginally. While it was clear that something was gnawing at the she-cat's heart, she still took comfort in knowing that Ivypaw found comfort in the Clan's well-being. "You're a magnificent hunter, Ivypaw, I've seen you in action. Remember when Sparkfrost caught the tail of that raccoon?" Dappleshine chuckled lightly as she recalled that hunt, eyes glimmering in amusement. "You were the one who taught him the skills it took to be able to sneak up on the raccoon in the first place, and give him the first strike! You did it in just a few heartbeats too. I admire you for that, I always have."

As she breached the topic of what was going on within Ivypaw's thoughts, the other she-cat's eyes grew guarded. Taking a deep breath, Dappleshine responded. "Ivypaw... You've been working yourself so hard. You always worked hard, taking on responsibilities with confidence and grace. Recently though, it seems as if your throwing yourself into them headfirst. I've been there myself, I still am to a degree. I haven't wanted to be in camp, sitting idly... It just leads to hurt. I don't know what your reasons are, but I know that my own mind was soothed by talking to some dear friends of mine.... There's nothing wrong with turning to another, even if it's just to have someone listen. If you don't want to, I completely understand. Please though, if you need someone to just... keep you company, I'll be here. Maybe we can go out together sometime, imagine the catch we would bring back together!" She didn't want to push the apprentice too much, so she left it there. Maybe Ivypaw would get angry, or walk away, or even ignore her... No matter what though, she would stay and be there if she was ever called upon.

Ivypaw’s gaze hardly softened at Dappleshine’s remarks, but she was thankful for the she-cat taking notice of her efforts. ”Well, Sparkfrost already knew what to do, he just needed a nudge, I suppose...” She muttered, pushing dust around with her paws as she avoided the younger she-cat’s gaze. She listened intently to what she had to say, trying to keep an open mind to Dappleshine’s ideas. With a deep breath, she made eye contact with the grey she-cat. ”Well... It couldn’t hurt, I think...” With the tip of her tail constantly twitching, she thought of how to phrase what she was thinking. ”Just... watching my siblings and cats even younger than me, such as yourself, surpass me in rank, it’s not easy.” She shook her head, thinking of the large amount of cats who had made more progress than herself in such short amounts of time. ”I haven’t proven myself to the Clan yet, I don’t think. I’m a rogue by blood, so I think it leads to more distrust. But still, that doesn’t explain why Berrycloud and Sparkfrost progressed before me, considering we share the same origins. And I’ve watched countless kits be born, apprenticed, and even become warriors in my time. I just don’t understand why I can’t seem to do it.” She was running out of breathe, spilling the thoughts that had plagued her for the past several moons. Realizing that she had, in a way, called Dappleshine out in her explanation, blood drained from her face. ”Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean, like... I’m sorry...” She shook her head, inable to find the words she was so desperately searching for.

"You were so quick and ready to give him that nudge though. I really admired you for it, you were amazing with helping him remember." As she listened to the other she-cat reveal her worries, Dappleshine thought to how she would have felt, had one of the cats younger than her moved on before her. For the first time, she wondered if maybe that was how Wasppaw and Magpiepaw had felt, when she became a warrior. Noticing the panicked expression on Ivypaw's face as she apologized, she shook her head and smile, flicking the apprentice's shoulder lightly. "No, there's no need to apologize at all. I think I can see where you're coming from, and I'm really sorry that you feel that way, I don't know why you haven't been made a warrior yet... You certainly deserve it, and have earned it several times over. I've seen it, and I know a lot of others have too. Have you talked to Jaystar about it? Maybe he sees something that we can't? For what it matters, I don't think that blood means a whole lot. I trust you with my life, and I know that you would be there if needed. You're reliable, and strong, and kind... I hope that your warrior ceremony comes soon, you really deserve it."