Complaining can be draining (closed)

Sitting atop the Fallen Oak with his long tail wrapped around his little paws, Tinystar let out a long and drawn out sigh, and soon after, a yawn followed. Behind him, the sun had started to rise up further into the sky and the warmth from its' rays began to beat down through the thinly covered canopy and onto his pearly white fur. Unfortunately, he couldn't say that being awake at this hour was a pleasure, for he would've much rather have kept his eyes closed and stay asleep in his cozy, yet very lonely nest. But to his luck, he'd woken up too early for his liking after yet another restless night of sleep, so here he was; sitting alone on the side of a fallen tree, listening to the eerie silence of the woodlands.

For what felt like days, Tinystar let his mind wander and didn't really think of anything in particular, until his thoughts landed on Moonlight, much to his dismay. While he deeply loved his mate and missed her more than any cat could imagine, thinking about the deceased she-cat wasn't exactly something he wanted to focus on, for more often than not, it ruined his mood. Of course, there were more memories than he could count that he enjoyed remembering, but in the end, they just left him feeling even more alone than he already felt, and was.

Hearing the shuffle of fallen leave sounding from somewhere behind him, the tiny, white and grey leader swiveled his head around in an effort to spot who might've been lurking around.

"Hello?"

The early morning light shimmered down in hypnotic dapples through the canopy of thin trees that made up the skyline of SkyClan's forest. Amberdawn blinked hard against the mystifying shimmers and her own sleep, shaking herself and her sleek golden tabby fur slightly as she padded at an easy pace through the forest. She smelled strongly of vole and her Clanmates, for she had just broken her fast and said a warm greeting to the returning dawn patrol before heading out of camp in search of herbs. The young medicine cat's muscles felt a bit tight from recent walks; it seemed she had taken an apprentice on their Moonstone journey every day for the last half a moon. It was for that very reason that, weary or not, Amberdawn needed to venture from camp: she'd used nearly all of the traveling herbs.

It was much easier to retrieve daisy and burnet near camp than sorrel or chamomile, for those grew in Twoleg gardens. Amberdawn didn't want to stray far from camp; SkyClan had only had one of their medicine cats - herself - for the last moon and a half or so, and she found herself missing her mentor as much for professional reasons as for personal ones. It turned out that Firflower's most recent litter was a pawful, and unfortunately being that Amberdawn was really still an apprentice she found herself constantly wishing for an extra set of more experienced paws. Not only that but the SkyClan medicine cat found herself befriending and somehow also mentoring ShadowClan's new medicine cat, Mothpaw. It was becoming increasingly difficult to balance her responsibilities. Since she had been away from camp so much recently, she really wanted to stay close at least for a day or two.

She realized after some time that she had been wandering aimlessly and glanced around, calmly accepting that, wherever she'd wound up in her walking meditation, she'd simply have to start her search there. Her dark amber eyes glanced up to catch the sky through the trees, noting the sun's location. She'd try to be back before the sun-high patrol left camp. Then she took in the sights around her and smelled ThunderClan. Amberdawn realized with a slight start that she had come close to the ThunderClan border, and she was grateful she'd come to her senses before crossing. She adjusted her path towards the Fallen Oak and began to scan for herbs.

Then she realized she'd scented something else, too. Someone familiar, and close to her heart for many reasons. Amberdawn had found Tinystar alone in the forest again, and this time she did not hesitate before rounding the bend to view the small white tom already looking for her. "Tinystar, good morning - it's just me," the she-cat mewed soothingly as she stepped fully into view of her grandfather and raised her tail in greeting. "Have I interrupted you?" Amberdawn paused, observing her leader with her keen eyes. "Oh - were you sleeping?"

Of all the cats he wanted to talk to, Amberdawn was at the top of the list, and the little leader couldn't have been more relieved to see her. "Sleeping? N-no," Tinystar echoed, cocking his head to the side, somewhat confused as to why she thought he'd been sleeping. Pushing the thoughts away, he came to the quick conclusion that it didn't matter.

Through all he'd had to deal and struggle with for the past moon or so, a spark of joy ignited somewhere deep within the tiny legged tom and for the first time in what seemed like centuries, the faintest smile grew on Tinystar's white maw. It was probably an odd sight, seeing his spirits suddenly lifted, to some extent, but he was truly greatful to be able to spend time with the she-cat.

"I'm glad you're here, Amberdawn," he mewed softly, motioning with his long tail for her to join him atop the fallen branch. So much had been on his mind as of late, and while part of him felt bad for wanting to confide in his family about his worries, he didn't have anyone else to talk to, and who better then the cats closest to him? Not to mention, all the she-cats that accompanied him as SkyClan's leadership team had great advice and opinions, and he was truly blessed to be surrounded by and work alongside such wise mollies.

Tinystar seemed surprised at the question and denied her guess. Amberdawn felt a little silly; of course he wasn't sleeping. He had been quite alert and searching for her when she'd arrived. The exhaustion in his eyes that dragged at his expression and weighed his shoulders had been what prompted her suggestion, but she recalled another time several moons ago when she had stumbled upon him in a similar fashion as now. Things had been different then; Amberdawn had found her grandfather with red, puffy eyes that had been emptied of tears and who was shivering in the snow by the High Pine. It had been much colder then, and she had felt a bit colder towards him then too.

The seasons had warmed up, and Amberdawn and grown, and while she knew she and her grandfather didn't always see eye to eye she knew that their disagreements were for another place - another time. This was a different day. Something was troubling him, and instead of seeking the guidance of others he retreated into the forest and into himself and his thoughts. Tinystar beckoned her closer, and Amberdawn nodded once, immediately making her way towards him and leaping up to sit beside him on the fallen tree. She turned and settled herself down, her pelt brushing her leader's white one. It was always strange to not look up to him but, rather, to have to look ever so slightly downward. She wondered how Scorchstar always felt addressing her kin at Gatherings.

The medicine cat apprentice sat quietly, comfortably beside her grandfather for several long moments, the birds of the forest singing the sun higher into the sky. They watched for a short while, and then Amberdawn asked softly, "Is anything troubling you?"

Glad that she’d been so willing to join him, Tinystar was able to relax his once tense muscles. Quietly thanking StarClan that things between them seemed to be on fair terms, he turned to look up to the younger molly as she asked him if anything was troubling, and just the thought of not having any worries made him want to chuckle aloud. Her question was most likely rhetorical, but both of them knew the answer all too well.

”To say nothing is troubling me would be a lie,” he admitted, looking down to his paws from embarrassment. Had there ever been a time that he wasn’t worried out of his mind? Apparently not.

Not really knowing where to start or wanting to completely unload all of his concerns onto his granddaughter, he took a shot in the dark and chose one of the many subjects that’d been lingering on his mind for quiet some time. ”What’s with Mintwhisker being gone for so long? And why’d that RiverClan cat want to visit you?” the little leader blatantly blurted out as he looked up to the tabby, not really knowing how else to word it. Part of him was annoyed by his medicine cats’ and their out of clan relations, but he also knew he could trust them, which is where such a confliction of feelings came into play. Hopefully, she’d be able to put his worries to rest, but he didn’t dare count on such relief just yet.

When Amberdawn asked if Tinystar was troubled, she expected that she knew the answer; however, she was still surprised by how quickly he admitted to it. Even the last time she'd found him with the sorrow freezing to his face in the leaf-bare dawn Tinystar had hesitated to reveal himself - although then, perhaps, it had been because of the dark nature of the thoughts. Maybe these were easier to process. "What's on your mind?" Amberdawn prompted her grandfather with a genuine look of interest, her tail swinging gently in the air over the tree limb beneath her. The small white tom seemed to mull over his thoughts for another moment, searching for the right words, before finally asking Amberdawn some questions.

The golden tabby apprentice blinked at his inquisitive stare, shrinking away ever so slightly while she tried to gauge his intentions. Was he being accusatory? Amberdawn answered after a moment, "I-I'm not sure why Mintwhisker has been gone so long, I... I assumed she had spoken to you about it." She tilted her head and asked, looking perplexed now, "Wait, RiverClan cat? Who tried to visit me? Mistlepaw, the new medicine cat apprentice?" Amberdawn had no idea to what Tinystar was referring; she'd heard nothing of the sort.

Upon her reply, he prayed with all his might that she was telling him the truth in not knowing anything on his worries. He absolutely hated the thought of not being able to trust her and pushed such notions under the moss, so to speak.

"No, she has not talked to me about her absence," the little leader mewed, unable to hide the ever so slightly annoyed, yet also concerned tone in his voice. "I understand that you medicine cats find the need take responsibility in training other protégés, but you all still have a clan to stay loyal to," he added, hoping he wasn't sounding selfish. But who could blame him? He had faith in Amberdawn's skills, but having his senior medicine cat gone for such an amount of time... it was beginning to become somewhat harrowing, especially when he had no idea what she was actually doing over in WindClan.

"And a few sunrises ago, Sparkfrost of RiverClan tried to enter our territory to visit you. Thankfully, I'd arrived just in time or Hawkstrike might have clawed his ears off," Tinystar sighed. That warrior had too much enthusiasm when it came to defending his clan, and unfortunately, it usually seemed as though the tom wanted to start a war or some sort of grudge, which was the last thing any of the clans needed right now. "The last thing we need is a war between us and RiverClan," he added with a roll of his eyes. Just the thought sent a shiver up his spine, seeing as though his clan had no chance against the fish eaters, much less them and their allies. Luckily, there wouldn't be a battle anytime soon, or so he prayed.

The small medicine cat listened quietly, feeling guilty for not knowing what Mintwhisker was doing - especially when she learned that Tinystar didn't know, either. His voice held concern, but at a deeper level it held annoyance and frustration. Amberdawn understood - she was frustrated by her mentor's absence too - yet as he continued to speak, his words cut into her. "I understand that you medicine cats find the need take responsibility in training other protégés, but you all still have a clan to stay loyal to," the tiny white-and-gray tom admonished.

She winced slightly, immediately looking away to stare hard at the ground. She could feel her eyes starting to sting with tears, yet her expression was shock and fear as she gazed. Does he think I'm being disloyal? She didn't say anything else then as Tinystar spoke again, answering her question: Sparkfrost had tried to visit. The golden tabby's fur flushed with embarrassment as he explained that the peculiar RiverClan tom had crossed the border trying to visit with her, and then she was immediately horrified to learn that Hawkstrike - of all SkyClan's warriors - had found and attacked him to chase him out. "Oh, no, I hope he's okay..." Amberdawn murmured reflexively, and then she sucked in a breath and cast an anxious glance at Tinystar.

Immediately she rushed into explaining, "I'm really sorry, Tinystar, I know Sparkfrost fairly well - I found him and helped to rehabilitate him while some of us were trapped by the lake. I... I'm sure you noticed how strange he is; his Clanmates told me that he had suffered a head injury as a young warrior and he'd forgotten most of his life and training as a warrior. I had to help him learn to use and strengthen his muscles properly, and teach him about Clan life. He practically grew up for a second time on the lake shore, and..." Amberdawn paused for a second to think, and then finished, "Well, there were no borders there. He must be having a hard time adjusting to being back in the forest with them."

Now that she was speaking, Amberdawn couldn't hold herself back. "Please don't be upset with me, Tinystar," she peaded, turning her watery dark amber eyes to gaze imploringly at her grandfather. "I didn't know Sparkfrost would try to come and visit. I didn't know Mintwhisker would leave for so long. I-I've tried to stay near home whenever I can because she's gone, but all our apprentices need to visit the Moonstone, and I need to keep building our herbs stores that were destroyed, and I have to share tongues with StarClan, and... I've really been doing my best..." Her eyes flickered and then squeezed shut as she looked away shamefully. A tear fell from her eye and disappeared on the forest floor below. "I want Mintwhisker to be home. She didn't even look at me during the last half-moon meeting... she was gone before I woke up from my dream."

If only he'd thought before he spoke.

Watching as Amberdawn began to explain herself and the situation, tears began to fill the she-cat's eyes and Tinystar's heart sunk. He was such a mousebrain! Of course his medicine cats wouldn't betray him, was he crazy? If only he'd stopped to process the true reasoning behind Sparkfrost's visit and Mintwhisker being gone instead of being a paranoid fuzz-brain, per usual. He absolutely hated seeing cats close to him in such an emotional state, especially when it was because of him. Scooting closer to the molly, the little leader took a breath, this time going over what he should say.

"I'm not blaming you for anything," he began softly. "I... i just felt as though my own family wasn't telling me things, especially with Mintwhisker gone, and I got scared that I might be losing you, that's all," Tinystar added, closing his eyes and trying his best to hold back the tears. Great StarClan, when did he get so mushy?

"I'm blessed by your loyalty, I truly am. I know you'd never go against SkyClan and I should've never doubted you. Mintwhisker... I don't know what's gotten into her these days, but I might go have a word with her myself sometime," he finished firmly. Not acknowledging Amberdawn during a medicine cat meeting? That seemed highly unlike her and while he hated to assume the worst, something must've been going on. Whatever her reasoning was, he would find out sooner or later, that was for sure.

When Amberdawn had finished speaking, she felt heavier than she already had; inside she stormed with emotions of guilt and shame, frustration and dismay. The young cat remembered for the thousandth time, as countless cats before her had done, that every cat in the world had their own life, their own struggles, and their own problems. Tinystar was clearly unhappy, and she had just gone and added to it. She was always complaining, wasn't she?, when truly she had nothing to complain about at all. She had a mentor who had trained her to her full name, her grandfather was leader of the Clan, she had family, friends... Amberdawn sniffled, and beside her she felt Tinystar shift and move a little closer; she kept still, neither moving away from him nor leaning closer. Why did it always feel like everyone was so far away even when they were right by her side?

Tinystar spoke in a calm, reasonable voice, expressing his fears that his family was keeping secrets and sneaking around. He stated he feared he might be losing her, and Amberdawn just shook her head immeasurably, thrown further into her feelings of helplessness. She did everything for Tinystar and SkyClan; what had she done to make him question and mistrust her? The words "I should have never doubted you" were repeating in her mind, and each time a devastated voice cried in response, But you do! Deep down she felt that he was still angry that she didn't support his execution of Sparrowpaw. She would never ask.

Tinystar was still speaking, commenting on Mintwhisker's absence and saying with a firm voice that he would talk to her. Amberdawn's guilt grew. I didn't mean to get her in trouble with Tinystar. What else could she do, though? She wasn't good enough for Tinystar; he needed Mintwhisker. She wasn't good enough for Mintwhisker, either.

The medicine cat nodded once, and with a tight, quiet voice she said, "I know she's training Aspenpaw... Maybe things are bad in WindClan." That was what Mosspaw had suggested, when she and Amberdawn had returned from the medicine cat meeting together. She thought of her own "apprentice", Mothpaw of ShadowClan. The knowledge had been weighing so heavy on her, and she hadn't had her mentor to share it with... if Tinystar wanted truth, then she would tell him. "I know you might not want to hear this, but... things are definitely bad in ShadowClan, Tinystar. I'm... worried about StagClan and what has happened to ShadowClan."

She hesitated for a moment considering Tinystar's statements about training other Clans' medicine cats earlier, but then she continued, "I-I received a prophecy from StarClan, at the last medicine cat meeting, that ShadowClan would fall and be no more. I didn't understand - I thought that maybe I needed to help train Mothpaw so that she could save her Clan, and that was why StarClan had told me about a different Clan. And then... then ShadowClan went away, and Mothpaw's gone. My vision came true. If Mintwhisker had been here, maybe we could have understood together..."

Amberdawn felt two more tears slip from her eyes and she squeezed her eyes tight, trying to clear the rest. It didn't help to cry. "I just want to be a good medicine cat, and a good SkyClan cat," she whispered. "I just want to be good."

"That is concerning, but I bet my eight lives that they'll return, stronger than ever" he mewed, looking down to his paws and trying his best to be as empathetic as possible. It was hard though, not entirely caring about the well-being of the other clans, but no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't find much care in him. StagClan was certainly an interesting topic, but he had faith in Scorchstar and knew they'd make a comeback, no matter what prophecy StarClan gave Amberdawn.

Ears perked, he listened onward as the she-cat spoke. "And I just want my family to be strong," the little leader half choked as he nuzzled the side of his head against her amber pelt. "You're an amazing medicine cat, Amberdawn. I'm truly blessed to have such amazing medicine cats, I really am," he returned. Great StarClan, why did he always have to get so emotional?

"I... I'm just scared. Scared of Mintwhisker betraying her kin and clan for those rabbit chasers... scared that I'm not doing a good enough job of keeping our family close and strong," Tinystar continued. How was he supposed to keep his family close when Mintwhisker was off with another clan? Of course, she was only one cat, but ever since Moonlight's death, not having her around as well made the hole in his oh-so-tiny chest feel even more empty, which was beginning to drive him crazy.

Despite Tinystar's words, Amberdawn could sense the lack of interest behind them. She couldn't blame him for not being too enthused about the happenings of the other Clans; he was still recovering from his illness, and from the loss of Moonlight in the mountains a few moons before. ShadowClan had never been SkyClan's ally after all - not that Amberdawn had heard, anyways - and hadn't ever really had a need to interact with the Clan from the wetlands. She wished he understood her concern for the other Clan. All of the Clans, really. It was her StarClan-given duty. Still, Amberdawn didn't dare say so now - not after he had voiced his distruct so clearly. He was ready to move on, and she was fine with avoiding his prying thoughts.

When at last Amberdawn had finished speaking, confessing her fears, she stared quietly at the forest floor. Beside her, Tinystar spoke some more. He wanted his family to be strong, he said. The small white tom pressed his head against her and she felt anything but strong as she leaned sadly back against him, feeling no comfort from the gesture. He complimented her, speaking highly of her skill. Again, though, he spoke of Mintwhisker and her possible betrayal. Amberdawn shifted uncomfortably. She regretted that she had elaborated what little she know on her mentor's absence; what if Tinystar didn't allow her to return because he thought she was turning on her Clan? What if... Tinystar thought Amberdawn was disloyal because of her mentor?

Tinystar expressed fear that he wasn't doing a good job of keeping his family strong, and Amberdawn found herself without words to respond. How could he keep his family strong if he was so often doubting and underestimating them? The golden she-cat took a moment to think before she answered gently, "It's hard to be close to anyone if we don't open ourselves to the possibility." She knew it was something she needed to take to heart, too, but... it was her job to be open. She was nothing but open. So why did everyone she cared about always start to distance her?

The medicine cat looked down to her herbs, and then up to the sun. "Oh... I probably need to get my herbs back to camp," Amberdawn said quietly, gently pulling away from her grandfather. Certainly it would please him that she was going home again.

It was obvious that even his attempted words of affirmation didn't do much. It was hard, trying to grow closer with his family when they all seemed so distance, but he tried his best... even if it didn't seem as though it was going very well. Listening to her, she once again spoke nothing but truth, and the little legged tom let her words sit for a few moments before giving a soft sigh.

After a little while of stifling silence between them, his ears perked when she mentioned having to get back to camp. "Oh, yes," he mewed softly with a nod. Getting up, Tinystar hopped off the fallen tree. Seeking out her herbs, he picked up part of the pile. If he couldn't be a decent leader, at least he could be of some assistance in moments like these, no matter how small of a task it seemed. Giving Amberdawn a week smile while his maw was filled with herbs, he quickly turned away and headed back to camp, his shoulders hunched over and tail dragging on the forest floor bellow.

He didn't exactly feel any better than when he'd been sitting alone early, but at least he'd been able to figure out where one of his medicine cat's hearts was. Upon speaking to the younger she-cat, she'd seemed almost defeated at the fact that she didn't know much of Mintwhisker's whereabouts, but he couldn't blame her. The confusion of not knowing where his senior medicine cat was had begun to grow into anger for the tiny leader, but he always tried to remind himself that she probably had good intentions, no matter how hard it was to convince himself of such a notion.