What is Love?

A relatively blank stare gazed up at the sky, hollow and unseeing in nature. Two sunsets had come and gone since the death of Dewpaw and his burial as a respected member of the clan, but Mosspaw's conflicting feelings toward it all made her feel like a traitor. She harbored a secret, regarding the details of his death, that she had refused to share with anyone. That secret, however, explained the dismay and anger she had felt as he was praised by his loved ones and mourned by the clans. She had spent most of the time since pondering several questions that ran through her head in sequences. What was he intending to do? How long had he been planning it? What if the snake hadn't stopped him? What if she had been able to save him? What if she had more experience, could she have stopped it? Would she tell the clan, or at least those who should know, and ruin his image? Would anyone even believe her? And the final question that kept ringing silently in her ears... Was that truly what love is all about?

A flash of a familiar pelt caught her attention, and she turned her head towards it, eyes still unfocused. Her pelt was unkempt, moss clinging to it. Her paw still twinged with pain occasionally, but it had dulled to an ache rather than a sharp pain. After several heartbeats, her eyes focused and she recognized the pelt of Emberheart, speaking the name as she realized who it was. "Emberheart.... Do you have a minute?..."

Upon returning from patrol, a familiar voice caught Emberheart's attention. It was true that she was no longer Mosspaw's mentor, but the ThunderClan warrior still had plenty of fondness for her former apprentice; and a great deal of respect for her as a medicine cat in training as well. So when Mosspaw called to her, she turned to face her with a soft smile. "Mosspaw! Of course, I always have time for you," she said, and she meant it. She'd lost several of the cats she cared for in her life, and each loss only reminded her to hold on to and spend time with those who remained. Besides, if she could somehow assist her Clanmate and former apprentice, she was happy to do so. "How can I help you?"

Emberheart had smiled at her... Would she keep doing so if she heard the truth? Or would the day come when her beloved previous mentor abandoned her too? Mosspaw's ear twitched as she tried to shake away the dark thoughts that roamed in her head. Emberheart was better.... Nicer.... More dependable.... Then again, she had thought the same of Flintfang.

"Thanks, Emberheart..." She paused, taking a deep, steadying breath. "How have you been?..." Why had she asked that? That's not what she had called Emberheart over for... Was she afraid of the answer she might get? Perhaps, but she left it there regardless. A little small talk never hurt anyone, and maybe it would soothe the chaos in her mind.

"I've been alright," Emberheart replied. The loss of one of their own was always a sad affair, moreso when it was one young enough that they'd barely lived their life, but there were things that needed done despite all that; borders to patrol and a fresh-kill pile to fill. To say so, though, would feel like doing the deceased a disservice. Instead, she deflected; after all, Mosspaw had come to her for something other than small talk, she was sure. "But what about you, Mosspaw...?" Audible concern laced her voice. The poor apprentice had already lost so much in so little time. The certainty of her future as a warrior (though healing seemed to suit her); her father, as Flintfang had left; and presumably even a friend with the loss of a fellow apprentice... It couldn't be easy to deal with all of that. If there was one lesson that Emberheart had learned throughout her life, it was that loss never got any easier. The only thing that did was the ability to push through despite it, to focus on the future instead of the past. But Mosspaw was still far too young to be learning lessons like that.

"I've been better..." The calico responded simply, turning to place her head against Emberheart's shoulder. "I'm confused, and a little lost.. and really hurt. And I feel selfish for feeling hurt, and upset... But..." Her voice trailed off, and she felt like her throat was constricting her thoughts before she could get them out. "Emberheart, you've taught me so much, and I know you wouldn't lead me astray. What is Love? What is it like to love someone? What do you do, what do they do?" She pulled her head away and looked up, meeting Emberheart's gaze. "Why does it seem like everyone I love leaves me?..." The last question was whispered, a deep sorrow reflected in her eyes.

Those words rang through to the ThunderClan warrior's heart, and she felt a surge of pride and affection; not an unfamiliar feeling in the slightest. But Mosspaw's next words would reach her heart in a different way entirely.


A piece of her heart shattered for her former apprentice in that moment. Of all the questions Emberheart had expected her to ask, that one was probably the furthest from her mind. "Oh, Mosspaw..." The medicine cat apprentice was still so young, and she didn't deserve any of what she'd been through, not in the slightest.

But one of the furst lessons Emberheart had learned throughout her many seasons of experience was that life was rarely fair. Too often good cats would suffer without reason - a memory flashed in her mind, Specklefang's death for a sin she had never committed. Dawnpetal's demise at the paws of a fox, as her mate and daughter watched on. Those lost in the flood and its aftermath. The loss of everything she had known when she was barely old enough to comprehend it.

No. Life wasn't fair. They could only fight to try and make it so, and too often they would fail.

With Mosspaw's whispered question still ringing in her ears, Emberheart considered how she could answer. She'd always believed that honesty was best, with exceptions few and far between. But the truth was often a painful thing to hear, and she didn't want to cause a cat she cared so much for any more pain than she'd already been forced to deal with.

So she would be honest, and try to soften the edges of a harsh truth. "Love is complicated." Love was many things, to Emberheart. It was two apprentices sneaking out of camp to go on an adventure, those same two cats exchanging desperate declarations of affection before risking their lives... Dawnpetal's voice chanting her name louder than anyone else at her warrior ceremony. The pride she felt in each of her kits, the fondness she felt for Mosspaw... "There's the love you have for a mate, or your friends, or your kin, or your Clanmates..." Truth be told, at least in Emberheart's eyes those last two were the same, but she knew some felt differently.

"I have loved, and I have been in love." Saying those words in the past tense felt wrong, but the feeling of still deeply loving a mate who had passed seasons prior was something she wasn't sure she could put into words; at the very least, not without her voice breaking more than once. "To love... To love is to want the best for someone else, even if it hurts. Wanting to ensure their happiness, no matter what." She paused just a moment, letting that sink in, before continuing. "Love is when someone else makes you better than you are. When you can't imagine a world they aren't in... And then it happens, and it hurts... But it was worth it, all of it, because they made you who you are... Someone better than you were before."

But Emberheart wasn't done speaking just yet. Mosspaw needed something more than just her observations and experiences on the subject of love... What she needed now was reassurance after a devastating loss.

Her eyes shadowed with sadness as Emberheart hesitated, and her head drooped back to their place on her white paws. Her eyes had just closed when the silence was broken. Eyes opening slightly as Emberheart spoke, the medicine cat apprentice soaked in everything she said. Different kinds of love? That made sense... She loved Emberheart and Pricklebush in a different way than she loved Falconwing, Lilypaw and... Flintfang. She looked up to her previous mentor as she admitted she had been in love, and her eyes held unasked questions. Who was it that had made Emberheart fall in love? Who had been so lucky? And what happened to make Emberheart look so sad as she spoke of it? As she continued, Mosspaw turned away to gaze towards the camp entrance, listening intently. She hadn't felt that way about Dewpaw, she never had.... Yeah, she had cared about it, he was a clanmate, one she had considered a friend. But she had never really thought about him in those ways. Did that make her a bad cat?

Her thoughts were interrupted as the warrior continued. Turning her face back, relief and acceptance filled her and a rough purr rumbled in her chest. "Thanks, Emberheart.... Don't have that be any time soon, okay?..." She paused for a moment before she looked back out towards the forest. "Dewpaw... He said he cared about me... But I never felt that way about him, and I turned him down. Then Pricklebush got the sign about me, and I became the medicine car apprentice... Dewpaw... didn't like that..." She hesitated, afraid to reveal much more. "The day he... died... I had gone to collect herbs... He followed me, and I heard him stalking me... Emberheart, he was about to attack me... The snake was the only thing that stopped him.. As he took his last breaths, he said he loved me... To not be like him, and let love blind me... But was that really love?..."

"Oh, Mosspaw," Emberheart said again, her voice soft. "I'm so sorry. You should never have had to go through that." Learning the truth of Mosspaw's feelings toward Dewpaw, and the other apprentice's actions, filled her with something more than sadness. Anger on behalf of her former apprentice, who didn't deserve the pain the world kept sending her. What kind of cat would dare to attack a medicine cat and then claim it was out of love? How mouse-brained did a cat have to be? "No one would attack someone they really loved... Not the way you're describing it. From your description, Mosspaw... No, I don't think that was love. Perhaps it was something like it. But love - real, true love - is selfless. You value their happiness over your own. You would never hurt them, never intentionally..."

She lost her train of thought, just a little, overwhelmed by those memories of her own perceived failures. If she'd tried harder to spend more time with her family, if she'd tried harder to show that she loved them, if she hadn't hesitated, if her stupid fox phobia hadn't gotten in the way... Maybe Dawnpetal would still be by her side. But she couldn't turn back time, as much as she wished she could go back to that newleaf day so long ago. She could only learn from her mistakes, and do her best to protect the cats that were still here.

"And when something happens, and you feel you could have somehow prevented it... You never forgive yourself."

The calico dropped her head onto her paws, her ears flattening against her head. She looked as defeated and run down as she felt, as though a solid breeze would blow her away, a husk of the cat she had once been. The vivid light and love of life had been stripped away, leaving something broken and shattered in it's place, and as much as Mosspaw tried to pick up the pieces and pull herself together, at least enough to act as though everything was okay to the clan, she felt like whenever the curious and worried gazes turned away the mask fell apart at her paws, and the task of repeatedly putting it together was taking it's toll. Emberheart had agreed, what Dewpaw had thought he felt wasn't actually love... She wasn't sure exactly how that made her feel though. She didn't really feel any better thanks to that, but she did feel a bit validated by what the warrior had said.

Without looking, she lifted her head and buried it in Emberheart's side, her eyes dry even as her heart cried. She must had shed all the tears she had to shed, and instead just wanted the silent comfort of someone who had been steady in their support and guidance. Unwittingly, Emberheart had become a rock of support for Mosspaw, and she wanted to just stay in the moment that they shared forever. The warriors last words reached her ears, and Mosspaw simply nodded against the side fur of the she-cat. "I really tried to save him... There was nothing I could do.... Even with what he did.... I still tried... I wasn't good enough..."