Swanpaw's Moonstone Journey

Newleaf was still rainy. Every morning it seemed the Clans woke up to a damp forest and soaked nests and dripping pelts. It was fine that the plants seemed to be flourishing after the devastating flood, but Amberdawn frequently found herself wishing for a few days of sunshine instead of clouds. Doubtless, everyone feared another flood, but no one seemed to speak that fear aloud. The whole forest just waited quietly, day after day, as the rains came and went and puddles pooled up and dried out over and over. Amberdawn was grateful for the break in the monotony when she learned that she needed to guide one of her Clanmates to the Moonstone again. The golden tabby was even more pleased when she learned that the Clanmate in question was her friend, Swanpaw. Still, the joy was dulled by the knowledge that, like their other friend Leafpaw, the pretty silvery she-cat had suffered losses because of the flood.

Swanpaw had swept up on shore with Amberdawn; the apprentice had been without her father and mother, Tinystar and Moonlight, for so long. Her brother Sunflower and sister Daylily, too, had been gone. They had made it safely to the mountains, though it turned out that "safety" wasn't the true word for it. In the end, Moonlight had succumbed to infection of a wound, and Swanpaw had to learn the truth long after the rest of her kin were forced to face it. The homecoming had only been a small relief.

It was in times of darkness like those that a journey to the Moonstone seemed most necessary. With everything Swanpaw had been through - and with the knowledge that her siblings had both received their warrior names - it was likely that her turn to move on had nearly come, but first... well, first she needed to find some peace and guidance from their ancestors. Amberdawn hoped dearly that Swanpaw would be able to see her mother, but the medicine cat apprentice knew better than to hope for such a thing. StarClan worked in mysterious ways, and it would do no good to tell the warrior apprentice that she might see her kin if it was just as likely she wouldn't. All Amberdawn could say was that she was to receive wisdom from StarClan; at least, that was what she'd been trained to say. The golden tabby waited at the part of camp closest to Highstones, a bundle of herbs at her paws for her friend and kin to eat once she had awoken and felt ready for the journey.

Swanpaw awoke to another grey day. A watery sort of light filtered through the entrance to the newly-patched apprentice's den, and glowed faintly through thinner patches of the roof of leaves above. No sound of gentle rain pitter-pattering against the tightly woven branches came, just the windy grey feeling of a cloudy New-leaf's day. Though recently it felt as though every morning she should have woken up to rain falling like tears from the sky, grieving for its children lost to the flood.

With a sigh, she rose, stretching her legs before settling down to groom the moss from her pelt. Even the moss in her nest was damp, the usually dry, dusty-tasting bits of green holding a slight flavour of moistness to them as they clung to her tongue. She licked them off, eventually standing up and shaking her pelt to release anything left over. Others in the apprentice den were already up, judging by the occasional empty nest, and she stepped carefully around those that were still sleeping, their sides rising and falling softly.

Outside, slightly brighter light greeted her, the wind playing a soft song through the leaves above as she glanced around. Something was niggling at her mind, a memory that today there was something important going on... but she couldn't quite remember it through the light haze of sleep still clouding her mind. Then memory returned in a rush of wakefulness as she spotted Amberdawn sitting patiently by one of the entrances to camp, a bundle of herbs at her paws. Suddenly anxious, she hurried over, her pelt fluffing up against the cool breeze.

"I'm sorry, Amberdawn. I forgot we were going to Highstones today, and I... I may have slept a little longer than I meant to," She said, her tail twitching anxiously behind her as she looked up into her friend's face, feeling faintly ashamed that she hadn't thought about it at all. At the same time, a distant hope was rising in place of the grey dawn's melancholy now that she was reminded of the meeting with StarClan, and anticipation that maybe she would see someone she knew....

Amberdawn was watching a nearby tree shift in the breeze, eyes and ears focused on the looming thing. Thoughts of unsteady trees with sopping roots had put her on edge lately; she remembered when the flood hit how easily some had been torn from the ground, as easily as cats had been torn from their families. When the medicine cat listened to this tree, however, there was no disconcerting slopping sound at its roots and no cracking at its limbs or base. No, the tree was simply swaying, and the rustle and rattle of its blooming branches and leaves in the breeze should have been peaceful. It almost was, but Amberdawn was waiting, too focused to be at peace, and soon her companion-to-be arrived on the scene, drawing the golden she-cat's attention away from the nearby tree.

Swanpaw greeted her friend with a breathless, anxious apology. "I may have slept a little longer than I meant to," the silvery-gray she-cat admitted. The young she-cat's eyes were dark with weariness and uncertainty.

Amberdawn shook her head lightly, answering, "It's alright, Swanpaw - you must have needed the rest. I haven't been waiting long. We've still got plenty of time for your journey." We'll just be doing a little less sight-seeing, she added to herself. Swanpaw likely wouldn't miss much since she didn't know the path to Highstones yet anyways. The medicine cat apprentice pressed the leaf of herbs towards her friend. "You can't have a proper meal until after you've spoken with StarClan, but these herbs should tide you over until then. Sorry they don't taste any better."

Swanpaw felt the tension leach out of her body as Amberdawn reassured her, the older she-cat's comforting voice easing the worry in her chest. "We've still got plenty of time for your journey." The wan light of the dreary sky above testified to that, though hopefully later it would clear enough for her to see the moonstone shine. What does it look like? She pondered the thought as she gave her friend a relieved smile, turning her attention to the bundle of leaves the other pushed towards her. "Oh, I don't mind. I'm not very hungry."

She leaned curiously down to sniff at them, taking in the slightly bitter medley of scents wafting up. Do they really taste as bad as the others say? Cautiously, she licked them up, the taste proving as bitter as the smell had predicted it to be, though not quite as bad as she'd feared. It was actually rather... interesting... though not in a particularly pleasant way. She hastily swallowed them, licking her lips a few times to help wash out the taste. "The taste isn't... bad. But I wouldn't want to eat any more," She mewed with a slightly sheepish smile.

Swanpaw was receptive to her reassurances and seemed to relax a little bit after Amberdawn spoke. When the medicine cat instructed her friend to eat the herbs the apprentice took that in stride, too, wrinkling her face and licking at her lips with an odd expression that Amberdawn understood only too well. The silvery she-cat commented on the taste with a bashful expression.

Amberdawn laughed. "I suppose it's better for us that they don't taste very nice so we don't use precious plants for flavor," the golden tabby she-cat purred. She waited for another moment for Swanpaw to get more of the taste out before she stood to her paws. The grey sky was lightening only barely as the sun rose, and the pair would have less light to go by on their journey than Amberdawn really liked. It would be alright, though: the two of them had survived the floods, and they could certainly survive a trip to Highstones. Cats made that journey all the time. She herself had already made the trip since returning home, and things had dried out a little since then. "If you're ready, let's head out.

---

The pair encountered a drizzle at various parts of the forest on their walk, and most of the moor was dark by the time they were walking through it. Amberdawn remembered the route she had taken for so long with Mintwhisker and other medicine cats and followed it carefully. The terrain changed to more stone and rubble and Amberdawn was relieved when she could make out the Mothermouth a short distance away. As the medicine cat and her Clanmate approached, Amberdawn mewed, "We can't talk once we're in the tunnel until you've shared your dream with StarClan. It's, um, kind of weirdly dark in the tunnels, so stay close - and I'll make sure to stay close to you too."

She hesitated outside the tunnel, looking Swanpaw in the eyes and continuing to explain, "Once we arrive in the cave we'll have to wait for the Moonstone. Once it's lit, you will have to lay down next to it and touch your nose to it. StarClan will put you to sleep to share tongues with you." She tilted her head, "Do you have any questions?"

Swanpaw gave her lips one last run over with her tongue as Amberdawn stood. The taste was still there, but she ignored it as best she could as she prepared to follow her friend. "I'm ready," She mewed, a slight catch in her throat as a new nervousness rose in her throat. What will happen? Am I ready for this? The thoughts whirled through her mind as she followed the other out into the damp forest, wet leaves and pine needles slipping slightly beneath her paws as they wound beneath the trees. She had done as best she could, surely Amberdawn and her father wouldn't have allowed her to go if she wasn't ready. But the doubt still persisted, as steady as the cloudy sky overhead.

~~~

The stormy sky overhead had not cleared, the billowing clouds sending the occasional drizzle down to soak through their fur. Darkness had descended early, making the hole Swanpaw now stood before even more forboding, its gaping blackness reaching out to swallow her whole. She couldn't help but give a nervous twitch of her ears as she glanced from the gaping mouth to Amberdawn, the medicine cat's presence a comforting reminder that she wouldn't be alone.

She nodded and swallowed as Amberdawn spoke, the oppressive void drying her voice up in her throat for a moment. I don't think I'll dare stray.... With an effort, she turned her eyes from the pit and looked her friend in the eyes as she gave instructions for when they were at the Moonstone.

"Do you have any questions?"

Swanpaw glanced at the tunnel mouth, her doubts surfacing once more. "I.... Amberdawn, do you... do you think I'm ready for this? I... I'm not sure I can be the warrior everyone wants me to be...." She trailed off before all the thoughts and wonderings she had held in her mind for moons spilled out. Her gaze dropping to the ground, she wished for a moment that she hadn't spoken as she felt the medicine cat's eyes on her.

The medicine cat apprentice was glad that she had checked in with her Clanmate one more time before sweeping into the darkness of the cave. Swanpaw's eyes shifted with uncertainty and unease before asking softly if Amberdawn thought she was ready. "I'm not sure I can be the warrior everyone wants me to be..." the silvery she-cat admitted, looking to the ground with waves of shame flooding off her pelt.

Amberdawn's face softened with sympathy and she took a step towards her friend, nuzzling the she-cat's cheek and affectionately nudging her chin upwards. "This is your Moonstone journey, my friend, not your ceremony," the golden tabby she-cat replied gently. "You won't become a warrior until you're truly ready, and when you are ready, you get to choose what sort of warrior you'll become. No one else - not your kin, or your Clanmates, or even or ancestors." Her golden tail-tip flicked in the darkness and she finished with a light sigh, "When you see StarClan they will give you wisdom, and I pray it brings you peace and confidence. I know you will earn your name. Now, let's go down."

She slipped through the entrance and waited a moment to feel her friend close behind her before continuing at an easy pace. They had time for the moon to shine its light upon the mystical cave. The pair walked in silence before stepping into a cavern, the air swirling gently with coolness. A glimmer appeared in the darkness, and Amberdawn watched with awe as the stone was slowly lit, catching fire with moonlight the spread a silver glow throughout the cave. Amberdawn looked at Swanpaw, nodding to the Moonstone. Then she settled down, tail wrapped neatly around her paws.

Amberdawn's voice broke through the swirling thoughts in her head like sunshine breaking through the clouds, and Swanpaw felt her head being lifted as her friend gently encouraged her. "You get to choose what sort of warrior you will become. No one else - not your kin, or your Clanmates, or even our ancestors." The words wiped through the doubt of the last few sunrises, bringing with them hope. Swanpaw's tail stilled, the slight nervous twitches fading as she took a deep breath and smiled her first real smile since they came back to SkyClan territory, wan though it was. "Thank you...." She mewed quietly, and fell into step close behind the other she-cat as they made their way down into the darkness.

Somehow it didn't seem so forboding anymore, even though the darkness wrapped around her like a thick wad of moss, snuffing out any glimmer of light to see by. All she could sense was the rough, sandy stone underneath her paws, the smell of her Clanmate ahead, and the distant sound of dripping echoing from some unknowable place deep  within the cave system. It seemed to go on forever, and yet time wasn't measurable down here, even the amount of steps seemed like forever and none at all. Though as she stumbled slightly over an unseen crack in the ground, her fur brushed the side, so it had to have gotten narrower. She cast a quick glance over her shoulder, but there was no longer any glimmer of light to mark where the entrance had been.

And it was forgotten as the tunnel opened up around them, their pawsteps suddenly echoing softly from cavern walls. The faintest scratch of light fell onto a dull mass in the center of the suddenly massive space, fading before it could reach the far side of the cave. Swanpaw's breath caught in her throat as she stared at that dull gleam. This... this is the Moonstone? She could see the faintest sparkle cast by the dull light far above on its surface. A sudden concern entered her mind, and she glanced anxiously at Amberdawn. Will the clouds clear? Her friend's expression - from what she could see of it in the strange dimness - was peaceful, though, so she looked back to the stone, anxiousness making her tail twitch.

She was just in time to see the faint light grow, the dull glimmer strengthening as a crack grew in the clouds above. All of a sudden, a piercing beam of clear light broke through, shooting down onto the stone and lighting it with the brightness of a thousand stars. Sparkles danced in her vision as she automatically squinted against the sudden brightness, her mouth opening in utter awe as it lit up the cavern around them, ribbons of white dancing across the walls and floor of the cave. It's so beautiful.... Oddly, it almost seemed familiar, like the memory of a kind black and silver face, whose blue eyes had once shone as brightly as the stone. It almost seemed to call to her.

Hesitantly, with one last glance at Amberdawn, she stepped forwards, her paws crossing the distance to the stone in silence, white light shining off her fur like stars. The weight of everything she had experienced seemed to shed from her shoulders as her wide eyes regarded the glittering rock with kit-like curiosity. For a moment, she stayed standing in front of it, letting herself absorb the sight in her memory. Then, she crouched down next to it, hesitating for just a moment before closing her eyes and pressing her nose to the cold stone. She gasped as what felt like a freezing bolt of lightning danced through her blood, flashing behind her eyes and numbing her body.

For a moment, she floated in darkness, a strange sensation of being alone and yet not surrounding her. Feeling began to return, and her eyelids fluttered open to see that she had awoken in a forest much like SkyClan's, the dark shapes of trees etched against the somehow warm light of stars that looked close enough to leap to. Her mouth opened in a smile of pure joy as a breeze gently rustled the leaves of the trees around her, the rich smell of pine and others swirling around her. "Is this... StarClan?"

“It is. Welcome, my kit”

Between the dancing shadows casted by the rustling pine needles of the trees surrounding them, the starry pelt of Moonlight finally became visible as she approached Swanpaw.

Her stripped pelt shone as if trying to mimic or even outshine the beautiful silvery light casted by the Moon, which so many moons ago became the inspiration for her very own name. The awful looking bald patch on her right shoulder, that terrible scar that Smokefang had caused to her back during the battle against her and the corrupted tribe cat, was nowhere to be seen.

With a warm smile and light steps, Moonlight came face to face with Swanpaw before nuzzling her head, purring softly “I missed you…” She knew that most interactions in these kind of situations were started by the living cat, but she was sure her companions would let this one slide. Many of them had been mothers and fathers on their own turn, they probably could understand both the sadness and grief she had to go through when death ripped her apart from those she loved so dearly, as well as love and happiness she felt by being able to talk and touch one of her living kits again instead of having to contempt herself by watching them far above them, between the stars that now were her home.

“I’m so happy to see you again, and know you are alive and well…I’m sorry I couldn’t say a proper goodbye, but we have a chance to speak again…one that many don’t have until the day they join our ranks”

Swanpaw was brought out of her stargazing as a voice broke through her thoughts. a heart-achingly familiar voice. Heart pounding, hardly daring to even hope, she turned with wide eyes to see her mother padding out of the shadows. The she-cat looked more radiant and healthy than she had when she lived, her pelt sparkling with stars to rival those overhead. The warm smile on her muzzle seemed to light up the world.

Swanpaw couldn't speak through the lump in her throat as her mother nuzzled her head, her eyes blurring as she drank in the scent she had known since birth - no longer tainted by death, but somehow... more. "I missed you, too...." She somehow managed to breathe around the clogging in her throat, her voice breaking slightly as she closed her eyes at the contact. It felt like she was a kit again, snug against her mother's belly.

“I’m so happy to see you again, and know you are alive and well…I’m sorry I couldn’t say a proper goodbye, but we have a chance to speak again…one that many don’t have until the day they join our ranks.”

The sound of her mother's voice brought her back to reality, and she opened her eyes again, the heartrending reminder that this would likely be the last time she saw her mother before her own time came returning. I have so many questions! So many things I need to know.... Thoughts swirled through her head, each of them discarded before she finally spoke, her voice quiet and almost hesitant. "What did you feel when we were born? Did you... did you ever regret it when Softkit, Ravenkit, and Leafkit," She swallowed against a sudden new lump, "died?"

Moonlight’s calm smile remained while her kit spoke, not wanting to influence or disrupt her train of thought as she allowed her deepest worries and doubts to reach the surface she stood completely silent until silence made itself present between them again, the signal that Swanpaw wouldn’t add more to her question.

“What I felt? Happiness and love, my kit…an urge to protect you and help you make your dreams come true, regardless of what it could take and the price I had to pay for it” Her smile faded for a couple of seconds with the second half of the question though “Losing a kit…that’s never an easy experience, Swanpaw…very painful too. As a mother, you feel like if part of you was ripped away right before of you in the most brutal and fox-hearted way possible, you feel an overwhelming feeling of impotence and wish you could trade your very own life for their own…it is an experience I wish for none” Her voice was almost a whisper for this part of her speech, but her smile slowly returned as her eyes landed on Swanpaw’s.

“But regret it? No…no, I would never be able to regret giving birth to you and your littermates, Swanpaw, even if they couldn’t live as long as you” She gave a soft lick to her head, a warm and loud purring soon erupting from her throat “Just look at you…so strong and ready to become a great warrior. You make me so proud, my kit…and I really hope that when the day comes for me to see you join our ranks, you will come with stories to tell, of how all your dreams became a reality and the challenges you successfully completed to get there. A great warrior not only for SkyClan, but the whole forest…and that you know that for as long as there are stars in the sky and the moon shines, I’ll be there, walking at your side, even if you can’t see me”.

“Just remember, my kit…nothing is free in this life. You have to fight for your dreams. Even if you fail a thousand times, it’s very important for you to get up and try again. The moment you lose hope? The moment you give up? That is the moment you know you’ve been truly defeated”.

Swanpaw listened to her mother, the older she-cat's words of wisdom swirling through her mind. She felt a slight pang at the pained tone in Moonlight's voice as she answered Swanpaw's second question, and for a moment could see just how much the death of her siblings had hurt. More than a river of grief was held in those words, but pride also ran underneath, and a peace she couldn't fathom.

“But regret it? No…no, I would never be able to regret giving birth to you and your littermates, Swanpaw, even if they couldn’t live as long as you.”

Swanpaw gazed upwards, into those loving eyes, feeling a warm tongue rasp over her head softly before her mother continued, “Just look at you…so strong and ready to become a great warrior. You make me so proud, my kit…and I really hope that when the day comes for me to see you join our ranks, you will come with stories to tell, of how all your dreams became a reality and the challenges you successfully completed to get there. A great warrior not only for SkyClan, but the whole forest…and that you know that for as long as there are stars in the sky and the moon shines, I’ll be there, walking at your side, even if you can’t see me."

An odd swirl of emotions filled her at those words, her heart trembling within her at the thought that she could possibly be all that Moonlight thought she was. Yet an odd determination rose through her as well, along with hope. The grief that had sheared through her before at her mother's death seemed to still at the molly's words. Always there, like she has been since I was born.... A smile began to twinkle in her eyes, and she felt her body relax. Yes, the time she could spend with Moonlight wouldn't last forever, and eventually she would have to leave, but that didn't mean she was gone.

She was still processing the realization when her mother's voice broke through her thoughts, and she looked back up, searching Moonlight's eyes. "I won't," She promised, a new determination surging through her. I won't give up my dreams. Then a thought occurred to her, a sudden concern breaking through the peace of a moment ago. "But... how will I know what to do? Sometimes I feel so weak, and I..." The image of Tinystar's claws slashing across the throat of a she-cat she could have, should have been able to help flashed across her mind for a heartbeat, "...I don't do what I know I should."

Moonlight gave her kit a compassionate smile “Your weakness comes from your indecision, Swanpaw” She purred, looking down as the soil under them. Unsheathing a claw and dragging it across it, she made a line before Swanpaw, then three lines that split from that one…then many lines, some straight, some twisted, some that cut off at parts, other so faint they were hard to see… “Before you, there are many paths to take when a decision must be made, bifurcations of what you want to do, what you need to do and what you are expected to do. Yet, these are not always clear, they twist and intersect, blur and appear out of nowhere. It’s very hard even for the oldest and most wise cats to ever exist to differentiate them at times, so don’t feel bad for it” Her words were soft and calm, somewhat slow as she gave the living cat some time to let them sink in, process them, understand them.

“Even leaders can make mistakes in these paths, only to find out way too late. The trick is to learn to listen to your heart…your heart always knows the path to take, but its voice it’s the faintest” Her head raised as she used her still unsheathed claw to gently tap on her daughter’s chest with it, folding it right after “The pressure of your position, of your clan, of other clans, even your duties as warrior, they will scream in your ears, they will try to drown the whispers of your heart, you must learn to not let that happen”.

Moonlight’s ear flicked lightly, like if listening to something Swanpaw couldn’t, aware of a truth she kept to herself…for now. Instead, she just nuzzled her kit one more time, she wanted to give her as much comfort and love as she could in this way before she had to leave, knowing the chances of her doing it again during her lifetime would be slim…if they existed at all “When you learn to listen to your heart and not let the other voices intimidate you, you will find the strength you are looking for…and you will be able to teach those around to do it too, maybe even prevent irreparable mistakes from taking place again”.

Swanpaw listened as her mother spoke again, a gentle, understanding smile gracing the other molly's maw as she looked down at the soil and began to draw a line through it. The apprentice leaned forward slightly, curiosity rising through the uncertainty as she watched twisting lines split off from the others, Moonlight's claw carving furrows in the ground in a way that grew almost like the branches of a tree. Fascinated, she watched until the maze was finished, glancing up with pricked ears as Moonlight began to speak again.

'It’s very hard even for the oldest and most wise cats to ever exist to differentiate them at times, so don’t feel bad for it.'

If it's hard even for them.... She looked down again at the mass of lines curving around her paws, a sense of bewildered despair beginning to come over her. It all seemed so... beyond anything she could manage. Her head stayed bowed until a gentle touch on her chest lifted her troubled eyes once more to stare into her mother's.

“The pressure of your position, of your clan, of other clans, even your duties as warrior, they will scream in your ears, they will try to drown the whispers of your heart, you must learn to not let that happen.”

"I'll try," She murmured, her eyes flicking back down to the lines her mother had drawn in the soil. Her mother nuzzled her head, a sense of finality that brought a chill to her heart in the gesture. The panic of knowing that her mother would soon be gone rose in her throat, and she swallowed against it, attempting to calm her racing pulse as Moonlight spoke.

“When you learn to listen to your heart and not let the other voices intimidate you, you will find the strength you are looking for…and you will be able to teach those around to do it too, maybe even prevent irreparable mistakes from taking place again.”


Tears began to blur the edges of her vision as she searched her mother's face, and she took a deep breath. "I will. I'll do it. I promise I'll do the best I can." The panic began to fade as she gazed into her mother's sparkling blue eyes, free from pain and grief. A strange sort of peace settled on her, along with a determination to do what she had promised. It wouldn't be instant, no, but somehow she felt that things would be different - that this time, she would be able to keep her promise.

Another thought occurred to her after a moment, and she opened her mouth almost without thinking. "Mother... are - are Leafkit and the others here? Are they safe?" It was one question she had wanted to know the answer to for a long time, and one that strangely hadn't come to mind until now.

Moonlight smiled and nodded before gently cleaning the tears off her daughter’s eyes “Doing your best is the best path you can take, and more than I can ask for, Swanpaw…I believe in you, and I know that you will go far” The silver tabby she-cat purred softly.

She could feel her starry pelt rise lightly, an odd chill going down her spine. Their time was running out…she knew it way too well, but she didn’t want to admit it. She hoped her daughter could have a long successful life, but that also meant that she wouldn’t get to see her, touch her, talk to her for many, many moons…not like this at least. Oh, how much she wished for them to have just a bit longer…just a bit…but she knew that wouldn’t be possible.

Taking a deep breath which then she had to hold, she slowly took a couple of steps back, her heart already aching from the loss of contact with the living cat she loved so much.

Her ears perked up with her question, a warm smile making itself evident on her muzzle almost immediately as she nodded “Yes…yes, they are here, safe and sound” She flicked her tail, and several smaller eyes appeared within the calm shadows of the forest that surrounded them, though they didn’t approach “Watching over you just like me…so each time you feel alone, each time you feel you have nobody at your side and you fear all hope is lost…look at the sky, look at the stars. We will never turn our backs on you, Swanpaw…we promise”.