Never Again (Closed)

What was worse? Walking back to camp covered in open wounds of fiery agony that left a trail of scarlet in the snow, or knowing that he had caused another cat to be doing the exact same thing? Neither of it was at all good, but the one that hurt Clearpaw more was the second one. His sobbing had long stopped, not because he felt better, but his throat was too weak now. The only thing that was preventing him from completely hating himself was the promise he had made immediately after the... Shutting his eyes, he tried to stop himself from thinking of the word. It was something he had always despised, and he didn't want to admit to himself that he had been part of one. Fight. No matter how he tried to shut it out, the fact still remained that he had been in a fight. A real one, where both cats used their claws. Once again, the she-cat's cry of pain echoed in his ears and the sound of blood dripping from his pelt did nothing to block it out, in fact only seeming to make it worse. As the physical pain from his wounds got worse, so did the mental trauma. Oh StarClan, was she feeling her wounds slowly worsen as she dejectedly walked back to camp as well? Did she hate him with as much passion as he knew he deserved? Hurting a cat was wrong, and he had said that more than any other cat he knew. In an effort to calm himself down, he repeated his vow over and over again in his mind, which settled him down enough for him to get back to camp. As he padded through the trees that formed camp, he wondered what he would say if anyone asked him why he was a depressing disarray of blood and fur. For less than a moment he considered lying and saying a RiverClan she-cat attacked him without reason. That thought left as quickly as it came. No, he crossed the border, and he fought back. He was the evil one. Hiding it would just add to the sin, and he couldn't bear the thought. No, he had to tell the truth as soon as possible. Pushing past the elderberry bush, the apprentice entered the medicine den. Despite his current state, for few moments he let himself admire the beautiful array of herbs that had been preserved through leafbare. Their scent and color amazed him every time. However, as soon as remembered what they were for, he sighed, and the whole pain of the situation seemed to double, knocking him right off of his paws.
"Amberdawn! I'm sorry. I have committed an evil today," Clearpaw cried out, pain lining his voice. Mintwhisker didn't seem to be around, but he could clearly scent Amberdawn nearby. Hopefully she would be there quickly so he could admit what he did sooner. On a more selfish note, he also hope that having his wounds treated would give him hope that the RiverClan she-cat wasn't as hurt as he thought she was. Still, that was a false hope that he didn't really believe, and he knew that what he done couldn't be undone by words or actions. Crawling over to one of the moss nests in the medicine den, his throat seemed to find the strength to let out another sob, causing some of his wounds to bleed more. Later he would clean out the moss he ruined with his blood himself, but he could hardly focus on that right now. Soon his guilt would be slightly lessened, much like how it was by the vow, and maybe if he kept doing the right thing, he could start to feel less bad about the wrong thing. Still, nothing he ever did could undo his actions. All he could do was never do it again, and make sure other cats saw the strength in peace as well.

The medicine cat's den was freshly cleaned up; Amberdawn had sorted through the herbs for the thousandth time that leaf-bare and picked out the spoiled ones, placing the good ones back in their storage and bundling the spoiled ones up with both medicine cats' old bedding. She'd also shuffled around every edge of the den collecting stray cobwebs (for their store, of course), nudging small jagged pebbles and rocks outside, and picking up various debris to discard. Once she'd cleaned the main part of the den, she'd placed a few nests for new patients. She had been replacing her and Mintwhisker's sleeping nests with fresh moss and a few downy feathers she'd found by the river when a voice broke into her quiet cleaning concentration. "Amberdawn! I'm sorry. I have committed an evil today."

Amberdawn's fur bristled as she emerged from the rear of the den where she and Mintwhisker slept. Immediately the scent of blood reached her, and a second later she spotted the white-and-silver tabby coat of Clearpaw spattered with red slumped into one of the patient nests she had prepared. Immediately the golden tabby she-cat gasped, "Oh goodness, Clearpaw!" The medicine cat apprentice padded hastily over to the tom who was a bit older than her, her eyes first attracted to the mess of shredded skin and fur tufts on his back and belly and then to the more distinct clawmarks across his cheek. All the wounds were fresh, still unclotted and bleeding heavily. She took a deep breath, thinking, I have to be calm and help him be calm, too.

The medicine cat apprentice let out her breath. Amberdawn then instructed gently, "I want you to breathe slowly with me, okay? One deep breath in through your nose..." She pulled in another deep breath, then added, "Hold it for a moment, and then breathe out slowly through your mouth." She paused, then exhaled. "And I want you to keep breathing like that. It'll help to slow the bleeding." Amberdawn listened to him breathe slowly for a few moments while she examined his wounds, smelling RiverClan scent on his fur and in his injuries. She went through what she would need to treat his wounds in her mind. Then, the medicine cat apprentice asked gently, "Now, I need you to stay calm for me. Can you tell me what happened?"

"It was my fault!" Clearpaw cried out, not even comprehending what Amberdawn had said right away. As soon as her words registered in his head, he nodded, taking a long, deep breath in his nose. A moment later he exhaled through his mouth slowly, beginning to feel a wave of calm wash over him. The guilt and pain were still there, but the shivering and sobbing stopped almost immediately. Without the constant jerking movement, he could feel his blood dripping less, more of pooling around his wounds. Continuing the method of breathing, he felt his body relax until he was almost entirely still, which definitely helped the physical pain his wounds had felt when he had been walking. However, the breathing did nothing to help him forget about why he was wounded. All of this was his fault, and he deserved that. But it was more than just crossing the border that made him guilty. No, if that was the case, he would feel bad, but get over it quickly. This had been him crossing the border and then fighting. There was nothing worse than knowing he had caused such horrible pain to another cat. 
"Amberdawn, I accidentally crossed the border! I didn't mean to, but that isn't the worst part. This cat attacked me, and then I-" The shaking and uncontrollable sobbing started up again, and Clearpaw paused what he was saying to take a few more slow breaths, until the quivering ceased. "I attacked her! I was in the wrong, but I still attacked her! I drew blood, made her feel pain, and it was horrible! I have always spoke of the evil violence brought to the world, but now I have wrongly hurt another cat! I'm evil Amberdawn! How can I continue to speak out for peace when I have added to the world's violence? I evil..." Once again, his voice cracked with emotion and the sobbing resumed, and this time it took him quite a few more deep breaths to regain control. In through his nose, out through his mouth. However, once he did find himself calming once again, he found that he actually felt better. Of course, telling the truth would make him a better cat, and his soul could surely feel that. The promise he made to himself resurfaced in his head, and he realized he forgot to tell that part of the story. "Afterwards, I made myself promise to never hurt another cat again, or let anyone else hurt another cat. I just had to make sure this never happens again."

Amberdawn just blinked patiently, though a touch startled, when Clearpaw blurted out that it - presumably, the attack - was his fault. He was quite visibly agitated; she wondered if he was in too much shock to do what she said. After a moment, however, he seemed to acknowledge the instruction she'd given and began to breathe more slowly and purposefully. She nodded gently and purred soft encouragement as he did so. After a few moments the apprentice's bleeding began to slow, though his wounds would still need a thorough cleaning, a healing poultice, and a bandage to ensure they healed quickly and with minimal scarring. When finally Clearpaw's trembling had stopped, Amberdawn murmured, "I need to clean your wounds so I can see the worst ones; it may hurt a bit in some places, but I'll be gentle as I can be."

After the first few moments of Amberdawn's careful examination, the warrior apprentice began to explain what had happened. Clearpaw explained how he had accidentally crossed the border and how he'd been attacked. He began to get worked up immediately, and Amberdawn leaned back slightly to give him space to breathe, her expression showing nothing but patience and sympathy as he tried to calm himself again. "It's okay," she reassured him gently. Once he'd calmed down, she resumed her examination. The silver tabby continued how he had attacked the RiverClan apprentice in response to being attacked himself, and the guilt that he was feeling. Words tumbled out of his mouth: "I drew blood, made her feel pain, and it was horrible! I have always spoke of the evil violence brought to the world, but now I have wrongly hurt another cat! I'm evil Amberdawn! How can I continue to speak out for peace when I have added to the world's violence? I'm evil..."

Amberdawn opened her mouth to protest a few times, but the poor frazzled tom was, for several moments, beyond reasoning. Besides, she had invited him to tell her what had happened. She needed to listen, not argue. The golden tabby she-cat waited patiently as the young tom's sobs and quakes began to subside, replaced again by the deep, practiced breathing. Amberdawn leaned forward to softly lick at his forehead with long, soothing strokes, hoping to help calm him. After several long moments of silence broken only by Clearpaw's broken gasps and sobs, he finally calmed enough to explain how he had made a promise to never hurt anyone again - or let another cat hurt anyone else. The medicine cat nodded a few times, deeply, as she mulled over his words in her head and considered how best to respond.

Instead of responding to his tale right away, she mewed, "I have to go fetch some herbs for a poultice and some cobwebs to patch you up - I'll be right back. If you wouldn't mind, could you please clean the scratches on your cheek with your paw while I'm gone?" Amberdawn disappeared into the back of the den to sort through the herb store and collect what she needed - something that she could practically do in her sleep by now - and to think about what Clearpaw had experienced.

With a bundle of herbs in her jaws and a thick layer of cobwebs on the tip of her tail, the medicine cat apprentice returned to the injured tom. The golden tabby she-cat set down the bundle and asked Clearpaw, "When you accidentally crossed the border, did she give you a chance to leave peacefully? Did she ask you if you realized where you were?" She paused for a long while to let him answer, chewing up a poultice as she listened. Amberdawn then began to lick the juices from the mixture into the wounds on the young tom's back, expecting him to tense up or react with pain at first. After a moment the wounds would begin to feel numb and more at ease. She sat back to spit out the used pulp and said to Clearpaw gently as she began to apply the cobweb bandage, "Clearpaw, you aren't evil. An evil cat wouldn't be sorry they trespassed, and an evil cat wouldn't feel guilty for defending themself - that's what you did. You defended yourself."

Amberdawn sighed softly and nuzzled the good side of Clearpaw's face, continuing, "I don't think your promise was wrong. I don't think that your promise has to be in vain, either. There's nothing wrong But, Clearpaw, look at yourself. I've put the poultice on your back, but what about your belly, your cheek?" Her dark amber gaze scrutinized him curiously as she asked, "How did she attack you? How many times? How did you attack her? Was it fair? Did she fight like an honorable warrior?" The she-cat had a feeling she knew the answer; a cat didn't wind up looking like this if the fight was fairly fought. She hoped that he was realizing that as well and hoped it would sink in as she chewed up a bit more poultice and applied it to his belly. She quickly bandaged that with cobweb as well.