Starry Starry Night (Closed)

"But regardless if you think that they would, do you think that they should punish themselves?" Nutfur tried again, hoping that what she was asking was a bit more clear this time. She truly wanted Spotfur's opinion on this, as she didn't know the answer. Was it a good thing to isolate herself from love beyond friendship to punish herself for her actions as an apprentice? Or should she just move on, pretending it didn't happen? Maybe even take on a new mate. Looking directly in the tom's eyes, she realized that what he said would matter to her. That he mattered to her. That's why this was so important.

Spotfur tilted his head. "Well... I guess some cats would feel super guilty and want to punish themselves. I think they should just confess because that would satisfy almost everyone. I doubt anyone would believe them if they confessed and said that they punished themselves, after all." Why did she want to know?

"Well..." Nutfur hesitated, knowing that Spotfur simply would not be able to understand and give an answer unless she explained the scenario. In her case she couldn't confess, she would be kicked out or maybe even killed for hiding her sins for so long. But she still wasn't sure that she could completely trust him. But it was worth a shot to know if what she was doing was the right thing. And that was something that she desperately wanted to know. So she stared him straight in the eye, gaze suspicious and demanding. Was he the cat she thought he was? "Can you keep a secret from everyone? It's... horrible, but can I trust you to keep it a secret?"

OOC: Spotfur, the Holder of Secrets

IC: Spotfur looked at Nutfur, feeling like he should shrink away from her demanding gaze. "Um... I've kept other secrets this long, I think I can do it for you too." He wasn't going to give away Sweetheart's secret, and he wouldn't give away Nutfur's either, but he did have a bad feeling that she was a codebreaker too.

"Thanks, I just need someone to understand." Nutfur took a deep breath, really hoping that she was asking the right call in trusting Spotfur. If she wasn't, her world would come crashing down around her. But she needed to know if what she was doing was right. Taking another deep breath, she began. "When I had been an apprentice for a little less than a moon, I was at the Gorge alone. It wasn't allowed, but I didn't know that at the time. There I met a WindClan apprentice named Echopaw. We started talking to each other, and decided to meet up again. It was at our second meeting that I realized what was going on. I kept accidentally leaking clan secrets, and so did he. At our third meeting I called it off. He d-died a little while later. I got kind of depressed for a while, thinking that I was nothing but a good for nothing codebreaker. That's why I didn't confess right away. And after hiding it for moons, my punishment would have just been greater." Now it was out. She just hoped that he would understand, and that he wouldn't tell anybody. But now that the hard part was over with, she needed the answer to the question that made her confess all of this. "That's why I need to know. I've been punishing myself by not letting myself have any love beyond friendship. Is that the right thing to do?"

Nutfur? A codebreaker? That was... actually kind of expected. "I.. I'm really sorry he died. I suppose it'd be for the better that you couldn't have kits or something with him. I think... maybe for a few moons, it would have been good to keep yourself aloof, but after this long... I think you should develop relationships. Loving is wonderful and I'd wish no love upon no one. Ease back into normal Clan life and maybe have kits. They will remind you of true love."

"You really think so?" A heavy weight seemed to be lifted off of Nutfur's heart the moment that Spotfur uttered those words. She should open herself to love, at least try what he was saying. Not let herself be terrified by the emotion that was filling her as she looked into his green eyes. That long ago sin wasn't as horrible as she kept making it in her mind, at least not bad enough to keep on hurting her social life because of it. But now that she thought about it, he hadn't said that she shouldn't punish herself, just that she should let herself love again. Did he believe that her crime was really something that could just be let go of? "Do you think I should punish myself in a different way?"

Spotfur nodded. "Yes." He said sincerely. Then he heard her next question. She was still worried. He wrinkled his nonexistent eyebrows in hard thought. "If you've been punishing yourself since you were an apprentice... That's several moons... I don't know. Don't work yourself up over it, though. I mean, you could give yourself a small scratch and just be over it. Not that I want you to hurt yourself, of course., no! I'm just... not very creative when it comes to punishments. I'm much more creative when it comes to words."

"A small scratch? Have you seen this?" With those words, Nutfur held up her front right paw. A long scar ran across it, the fur around it thinner. It was obvious that the wound hadn't been treated properly for a while after it was dealt. Being in the presence of a medicine cat wasn't helpful if they didn't have any herbs. Looking over at Spotfur, she realized he meant hurting herself intentionally, instead of having a scar that just was a constant reminder of everything she had failed at. "Well, this one wasn't purposeful. It just is a permanent sign to me alone of what happened. Trust me, I'm more creative punishments than you seem to be. You have no idea how much goes on inside my mind."

Spotfur gulped as he saw that, eyes widening. He hadn't noticed that before. "I believe you... Are you sure you still need to punish yourself for something that's been over with moons ago?"

OOC: short and crappy but I have no time so

"Of course I'm not sure! Why do you think I'm talking to you about this, mousebrain?" StarClan, how could such a wise cat ask so many questions that had already been answered? The insult was for the most part lighthearted, but the stress in Nutfur's tone showed that she was being serious. Right now, she wanted Spotfur's input, and he should give her his most honest answer. Simple. Looking at him, she waited for his answer. Not what he thought she would want, what he would think. "Now tell me what you think. Not ask what I think."

Spotfur put his paws up in a slight surrender. "Calm down, I just don't want you to hurt yourself if you don't need to. You could go 1 day without eating any prey and call that good, or you could eat as little as possible for X days, or you could just tell Ivystar or Jaystream and accept their punishment."

"Telling Ivystar or Jaystream would get me exiled without a doubt, and I would rather die. ThunderClan is the only other clan who would accept a rogue, and a codebreaking RiverClanner wouldn't be taken well. Maybe I just won't eat accept when absolutely necessary until I do some heroic action that saves the clan or something to redeem myself," Nutfur decided, feeling a sense of completion that she hadn't felt sense her moonstone journey. She trusted Spotfur to keep her secret, and his idea actually helped her to not be so far down in the pit of guilt. Smiling thankfully at him, she realized that she was not going to fear or repress the feeling in her chest. So what if she kinda liked him?

Spotfur's gaze did not relax, but it stayed worried. "Just... don't let yourself die of starvation or whatever. I don't know what I'd do if you did, knowing I suggested it."

"I won't die. I just won't be a burden to my clan. Because as I much as I speak against it, I do love this clan and am loyal to it." Those words covered everything she was thinking. Nutfur felt a bit calmer, almost ready to laugh at the fear in Spotfur's eyes. Of course she wouldn't kill herself, if she was going to do that she might as well go and confess to Ivystar. Dying would just have a horrible impact on all her clanmates, even the ones who hated her.