I Hate You, I Love You (CLOSED)

It was cold outside. However, after waking up in a sweat from nightmares, Shellwater needed a breath of fresh air. The small calico she-cat extracted herself from the overly fluffy pile of moss and sticks that was her bed- with only one elder to dote on, the apprentices often tried too hard to make her comfortable- and slowly made her way out of the small, lonely den. The dark sky above was completely clear, leaving the distant light of the stars to shine down on the clearing of RiverClan camp. Tiny glowing pinpricks of light made up Silverpelt, the home of StarClan, the benevolent warrior ancestors that watched the cats below them from afar. Yeah, right. Though she knew that the legendary cats were real- one of the Dark Forest monsters had killed her daughter, for goodness' sake- they were hardly involved in their charges' lives. If anything, the starry warriors seemed indifferent towards them, if not downright neglectful. Why did they have to take her entire first litter? All but one of the second? Even her mate? The scarred elder glared up at the twinkling sky, orange eyes filled with a deep bitterness that not many cats could ever imagine. One would think that being maimed by a psychotic warrior and scarred for life as an apprentice would use up your quota of drama, but then she had to be led on by Sleetfang, and then proceed to lose her entire family through either death or disownment. But no, apparently not. It was never enough. When she finally thought she'd found peace, with a loving mate and three beautiful daughters, it had all gone downhill. The worst part of it was that even though Otterleap had torn her heart to shreds, some crazy part of her shattered mind still loved him. She hated him more than anyone- except maybe Lionfur, or herself- but still she loved him. Sometimes, Shellwater wished that she could make herself stop feeling emotions. Everything would be much easier that way.

With a sigh, the mottled black-and-orange she-cat shook her head. A self-pity fest would get her nowhere; what was the point of dwelling on a past you couldn't and wouldn't change? Things had just turned out the way they had. StarClan wanted to make her life a misery? Fine- they'd succeeded. There was no reason to dwell on it. Instead, she could focus on the few good things she still had. A Clan full of apprentices who took care of her every day, kits that would linger in the den for hours at a time to hear stories, a grandkit who would visit her occasionally. Snowblossom looked surrealistically like her aunt, except for the happiness in her eyes- eyes that could actually see, unlike the elder's snow-white daughter, who had had a disability that prevented her from having normal vision. Poor Snowpaw hadn't deserved to die so young. She would have made a great warrior... and, maybe, her most kind-hearted kit wouldn't have abandoned her like Otterleap and Splashwillow did. Her one remaining kit avoided her like the plague, probably embarrassed to have the shell of a she-cat for a warrior. Maybe it was some sort of twisted justice, making her live up to her name. A shell of her former self.

The chill was starting to get to her. Shellwater shook out her short-furred pelt and stretched a little bit, delaying going back into her secluded den despite the warm, overly fluffy nest waiting for her. With a longing glance towards the nursery, and then the warrior's den, the she-cat realized she missed her former life. She still had some fight left in her, but her injuries- physical and emotional- had caught up, causing her to request the leader's permission to join the elder's den. Barely a moon afterwards, Mistfeather had died, leaving her the sole elder of RiverClan, doomed to a life of solitude even surrounded by her Clanmates. Maybe, just for old times' sake, she'd take a walk around the camp. The calico she-cat had barely put one small paw forwards when she heard pawsteps behind her. Jumping at the sudden sound, she whirled around, heart racing for the first time in a while.

Despite his oath in his youth, ironically, he'd ended up just like his father. It was poetic, just like his father, he'd destroyed his own family through his selfish, reckless actions, too caught up in his own emotions and passions to notice what he was doing to others. He'd let his grief, his self-hatred and his guilt wallow, consuming all of his life until he was just a shell of himself. Otterleap was driven by nothing but hatred in various forms tied in with fear. So much fear. He'd killed that apprentice in ThunderClan with that fear, and let himself be consumed in more self-hatred. It was a vicious circle that wouldn't relent. But that was good, he didn't deserve relief.

But it turned out, many thought different.

It was a slow process.

Splashwillow had supported him through everything, but that came with it's own downside. She was too concerned about his fragility to push him when he was needed, which was where cats like Dewpaw and Lakewhisper helped. They reminded him that he was a clan cat, with duties that he had to fulfil. That was the first step.

Then, he had to earn their respect again. He'd done that in fighting the fox that had killed Darkpaw, taking it's life and almost losing his in the process. Not all liked him, but they at least knew he was necessary. That he was willing to do the jobs no other cat was willing to do, to throw himself in the fire to help others keep warm. It was pathetic for a senior warrior, but everyone had to make do.

And now came the final step... Accepting his mistakes and asking for forgiveness. And no one in the clan was less likely to forgive him than Shellwater, so he'd left the task undone. He'd let the moon wax and wane without doing anything, just keeping his distance as he'd always done. He didn't want to open these wounds up for her, or that's what he told himself to justify his actions. Ivystar would give him a pointed stare, whenever the elder was about, but he'd shirk away, dashing off to hunt or fight. Anything but face reality.

But tonight, it was as if StarClan themselves were urging him. He'd awoken from a dream that had him puking just outside of camp. The memory of the chilling cold that had claimed Snowpaw, and kidnapped him. The spark to all their misery. It always left him weak, vulnerable, and he just wanted to head back to his nest, press up against his children and pretend all was well. But she was there.

Surrounded by glittering moonlight, Shellwater was stepping out of the elder's den.

For a second, he could pretend they were kits again as the light made her seem younger than her years. She looked as beautiful as the day he'd first decided to himself that she would be his beloved mate forever. But it was all an illusion, an idle thought of his. The reality was that they were estranged former mates, unable to even occupy the same space for longer than a split second.

Reality was always grim.

He thought about turning away, running like the coward he was. But tonight, hidden in the darkness, he felt a flicker of courage from within as he looked at those amber eyes that he'd admired for so long. Love wasn't a feeling that spawned randomly, it was a deliberate decision. And he'd decided against it in that damn cavern, fallen prey to foolish infatuation. He'd made a decision to hurt her, and it was time to decide to be a balm to her pain. It was the least he could do. So he followed her, pawsteps uncomfortably loud as the camp was still with silence.

"Shellwater, would you like to go for a stroll?"

It was him! It was him. Of course it was. Fighting down a foolish spark of happiness she'd felt when she saw Otterleap's face, reminding herself that he no longer felt that way, was difficult. But it slowly got easier to do. She still wasn't used to not running up to him when she saw him. It had been a moon... a long cold, lonely terrible moon. She'd been so happy when he returned from wherever that darned Mist had taken him, only to be crushed. She had been driven lately by some wild urge to seek him out, demand that he explain what was wrong with her, what she had done wrong, but he'd never been around lately, even if she had wanted to carry out that mouse-brained fantasy. Every time she caught sight of him, he snuck away, probably too cowardly to face her. She... understood.

Not sure of what to feel, Shellwater watched the tom she loved with wary eyes as he approached, head over her shoulder, not completely turned in his direction. Her frame was small and diminuituve in the moonlight, the white glow from above making her shabby short fur seem slim and silky, hiding the scars that lay always beneath her pelt. Her burnished orange eyes glittered with some confused and restrained emotion as they met his sea-green ones. Should she walk closer? Farther away? Ought she to retreat, as he had done? But no- this meeting wasn't coincidence. It seemed like- something else, pushing them back into each other after what seemed like forever. Despite the pain he'd dealt her, she couldn't just run away from this. They'd have had to confront each other eventually. So the calico she-cat settled for turning around completely, facing him with some shadow of the bravery she'd once had.

The elder blinked as he finally spoke, the voice that haunted and graced her dreams effectively shattering the uncomfortable silence. Whatever words she'd been expecting, it weren't those. Memories flashed back to sunlit greenleaf days, walking through a bustling camp, watching their kits go about daily business, gazing at each other with pure, unadulterated adoration. And now, she watched him and the way he looked at Finchstream, and avoided her like greencough. It hurt. And yet....

His eyes. She'd never been able to say no to those glittering green eyes. And then, in that flash of a moment, she saw in his gaze a hint that, maybe, he was hurting just as she was.

Would she regret it? Likely. But she had to give him the chance. He'd saved her life, then broken it. What right had she to deny him the chance to talk? The once-beautiful she-cat stood up on her small calico paws, walking up until she was next to him, but still a mouse-length away. His intoxicating scent enveloped her, but she refused to brush against his handsome tabby pelt, resisting the urge for all she was worth.

"Yes, Otterleap, I would."

He was prepared for an rejection, heart steeled against any harsh words that she could possibly say to him. So her acceptance was unexpected, he almost panicked, uncertain of what to do next. He hadn't actually planned much beyond asking her, so caught up in the possibilities of failure to see a chance. But of course she'd accepted, she was always too kind, too gentle, it was why Sleetfang had managed to seduce her. Woo her with false words of love, promising her the moon. He'd never promised her more than his fidelity, but he'd broken that one as easily as Sleetfang had.

Not quite meeting her eyes, he lead them both outside the camp, walking softly in the moonlight through the silvery reeds. Their pelts parted each stalk, their gentle sway adding a melody of sorts through the wetlands, as the croaks of spawning frogs formed the base of the natural song. It was a sort of sick parody of a romantic moonlit walk that they might have taken when they were younger, a mockery of the state they were both in.

He wanted so desperately to speak, yet his voice failed him. Next turn, next puddle, he told himself, waiting to break the silence between them. He couldn't though, and then he ended up there, the place that they'd lost everything and what little joy they had turned to ash. It was fitting that among the ashes he broke apart again.

"Shellwater, I blamed you for everything. It was easier that way. It was easy to blame you for my mistakes, it made me feel less wretched. I slept with a ThunderClanner in that cavern after seeing Snowpaw die. I slept with her thinking of you, thinking I'd die in that pit. When I returned, looking at you brought me so much shame and misery. You reminded me of everything I'd lost, and I blamed you because it was more convenient than acknowledging my sins. I'm sorry for all that I've done, I'm sorry for breaking your heart and tearing everything down to satisfy my selfish heart." Otterleap finally confessed the truth that only Ivystar and Splashwillow knew, the bitter truth that he'd hidden in fear of it all. "You deserved better than me. And it breaks my heart to see you like this because of my actions, because your mate was a coward. Please... Live again."

Walking together, just the two of them, brought back hundreds of memories, as heart-breakingly painful as they were bittersweet. When they'd first become mates... when she'd been expecting kits, both times... long dawn patrols... time spent with their daughters. The beauty of the scene they strolled through, glimmering moonlight and rustling reeds, seemed some sort of a sick, ironic joke. Though her life had fallen apart, life went on, callous as ever. Every time she made herself glance at the tom walking along beside her, the love of her life, he looked young again. The silvery lighting brought to mind how he'd looked when he rescued her from the folly of attempting to drown herself. It was then that everything had started.... And though Otterleap had torn her life apart, she wouldn't have changed her decision for the world.

Then he began to talk again, and she listened.

While the news that he'd cheated on her with some other she-cat, likely younger and prettier, didn't exactly surprise her, it did fill her with a mixture of emotions- sadness, anger, betrayal, resignment. No wonder he'd made that outburst in the middle of camp. She knew that finding out she was pregnant with Sleetfang's kits had almost killed her, when she had devoted herself to a tom that truly loved her. And it seemed, now, that he did. Despite her loathing for the words he spoke, and unadulterated sense of abandonment, it filled her with some tiny, soaring, desperate hope that- maybe- he didn't hate her like he'd claimed.

It was a mess, there was no doubting that. This whole ordeal was a mess. Both she and he had made mistakes, countless unforgivable screw-ups that they'd had to live with, seeing the deaths of their kits... And yet. And yet, they were here, willing to put enough of their past behind for honesty, the slim chance to make things right. And as Shellwater listened to the pleas of the cat she desperately loved, still, even now, something.... changed.

The slim calico took a deep breath, and felt what seemed like years of heartbreak and shattered self-image melt off into the ground. Maybe her demons couldn't be scared off so easily, but here, in the moonlight, they conceded a battle within. For a few moments... she was herself again. Not the broken elder, not the grieving mother, not the crushed warrior.... just her. Shellwater.

"Otterleap... you should have told me." Her orange eyes reflected the moonlight as they gazed pensively on the tom. "I know how you felt about me and Sleetfang, and about my kits with him. Our whole lives, we've been honest with each other. Of course, both of our lives have been horrible. But for me, it was always all right- because I had you." Her voice wasn't as weighted and heavy as it had been. Instead, she sounded- normal- as she continued, looking into the distance at the sky above them, cold stars glittering. "When you disappeared, and Sparkwillow dragged back Snowpaw's frozen body, I almost lost it. But I held myself together, hoping against hope that you would finally return. Then Sparkwillow died, too, bearing those kits, and I nearly broke. Even through my tears as I cursed StarClan, I thought of you, and wished you were there to cry with me. I knew with you, it would all be fine. Then when you came back, and tossed me away like some piece of fresh-kill the kits had played with, it was too much. I've never been strong, Otterleap, you know that. Ever since that fox-hearted WindClan warrior tore me to shreds as an apprentice, I've been broken. I honestly don't know why it took me this long to snap... except, you were always at my side. Until you weren't. And now, I finally know why." The she-cat's piercing eyes returned to the brown tabby tom's, meeting his gaze evenly, full of some mixture of emotions she didn't really understand and couldn't name. "...Don't you know the only thing I've ever wanted is your love?"