An Otter's Lament [Closed]

When he'd returned to camp after the battle, the adrenaline had worn off and only the crippling shame of his actions remained around him, choking him. His vision had begun to blur and he'd stumbled away to the edge of camp, unable to bear the idea of getting his wounds treated. He'd been foolish, driven by fanatical hatred into committing murder. The warrior code said it was okay in self-defence only. Thistlepaw had been an apprentice, how was that self-defence?

When he heard the familiar footsteps of his leader, he was prepared for the final blow or harsh words that would be soon followed by a command for him to be exiled. But instead, she'd stilled in front of him, sighing before speaking words that would haunt him forever. "I'd promised Blizzardstar that blood would be shed, that I would bring her death for each clanmate of mine she harmed. Perhaps I was writing a self-fulfilling prophecy. I know what you're thinking, you're thinking that I'm going to kill you for making this feud over land into a bloodfeud or exile you to become a wandering rogue. Pointless. You've brought us into war and chaos with one foolish bite of an apprentice's neck. So, when Blizzardstar brings her warriors for our apprentices blood, you will protect them with your life if necessary. That is how you will repay RiverClan."

"What about ThunderClan? How will I repay them?" Otterleap remembered meowing weakly.

Ivystar had looked at him cooly before replying. "You're a RiverClan cat, not a ThunderClan cat. Leave worrying about diplomacy to your leader. You should be more worried about your clanmates reactions, we are not popular cats today. Check your moss for sharp stones before sleeping in it tonight."

It was annoying how her wit only came out at the worst times. He'd hated that when he was an apprentice, and he hated it then as a warrior.

Unlike her predictions, there had been no sharp stones wedged into his nests. Though his clanmates had set up their nests clearly away from him. It was to be expected. This was probably his real punishment, social isolation and the weight of his actions on his chest. Every time the scent of blood wafted into camp, for a second his heart stopped. What if it was one of their clanmates? An apprentice killed by ThunderClan because of him? But each time it was nothing.

He didn't know how long he could bear the weight.

He was losing his mind.

It was impossible not to hear about. Otterleap had killed a Thunderclan apprentice. The thought left an uneasy feeling in her paws. Her stomach felt like it was in knots constantly, and despite leaf-bare's clutches... she wasn't hungry. After the battle, she'd seen little of other cats in desperation for the safety of her nest.

Her mind supplied the image. Blood on his muzzle and a dangerous air around him, violence a threatening presence around him. Her eyes however, saw a very different picture. He looked so far removed from that image that her mind could barely process it. He seemed lonely.

Her stomach clenched tightly as she picked up a vole from the fresh-kill pile, a mission in mind. She padded slowly towards the warriors den and forced her fur to stay flat even as it loomed closer. When she was close to the tom, she placed down the vole and nudged it towards him. She swallowed anxiously, and fought to suppress her paws from kneading the reed floor.

"You l-look hungry." Dewpaw's voice shook, and she hated it. She hated her own shyness and wariness. He was a warrior... of her own clan! There was no reason to be so anxious. "Y-you should eat... k-keep your strength up." She looked back towards their clan mates, then to Otterleap and made the decision, despite her worries to sit down close to him. "A-are you ... alright?" She asked softly, her tail twitching the only visible sign of her nervousness.

It was foolish.

So lost in his own head, despite his experience as a warrior, he didn't notice Dewpaw until she was a fur's breath away from him with a vole in her jaw. His fur bristled involuntarily, before he forced it to lay flat again as his dipped his head in greeting. He wanted to speak, but his throat choked up at the sight of the vole being offered to him. She was the first to talk to him, bar Splashwillow and Ivystar. Just this simple action, probably offered out of respect for his rank, left him all wobbly.

"T- Thanks Dewpaw for your... concern... Don't worry yourself, I can take care of myself. I'm not a senior warrior for no reason." Even to himself that sounded weak. He was a shell of his former self, even more than when he'd broken up with his mate.

Oh how the mighty had fallen.

Dewpaw watched Otterleap closely, then gently nudged the vole closer to him. She turned to glance back at her other clanmates who were all busily going about their lives. Somewhere in Thunderclan, one cat wouldn't be doing the same. The thought prompted her to look at the camp walls. What if Thunderclan decided to take revenge? Isn't that what Ivystar had said happened last time?

She fought back a whimper of fear at the thought. Her gaze turned back to Otterleap. He still looked downcast and alone. She took a deep breath and glanced up at the intimidating form of the warrior's den. Someday she would be in it, she would earn her warrior name.

"I..." She started, then paused uncertainly. "Thank you." She murmured after a moment, her gaze fell back to her silver paws as anxiety soared in her heart again. "T-thank you... for protecting us all." Dewpaw glanced up at Otterleap. "I... I know it ended badly... but we're safer now." She added softly, her tail tucked neatly between her paws as her claws poked into a reed. Thanks to him, they were safe. Thunderclan could go find different grounds to hunt, why would they possibly go after a clan that had already defeated them? She tried to find solace in those thoughts.

Hoarsely, the warrior laughed at Dewpaw's words. That was something new, he'd heard whispers taunts, murderer, code-breaker, spoken under breaths as if that made it's impact less painful or real, but never a thank you. It was as if this apprentice was determined to rake out all his well-buried emotions and lay them out in the open for all to see. He fought back the sobs that crept through him, leaving his fur rustled and whiskers astray, instead he tore into the vole. Incisors cutting into it's gamey flesh and swallowing, the meat forcing his breathing to be equal so he didn't choke. Only when he was certain that he wasn't going to do something foolish like get stupidly emotional, he spoke softly.

"You're welcome. I don't recommend following in my path, but I suppose if anyone had to do it, better me than an apprentice like you... We should be safe until Leafbare ends, holding Lionspark has ensured it. But... But we never know... Did you fight in the battle, Dewpaw?" The warrior asked, trying to distract himself from the subject and focus on something else. The battle was a massive blur to him now, a mess of red and gore. He barely remembered who he'd fought.

The quiet silver and grey she-cat smiled at the laugh, then sat silently while the white and brown tom ate. Her gaze on a piece of reed that stuck out along the wall of the warrior's den. She wondered if she should push it back in, but didn't move to do so. She wasn't going to be part of this den for awhile, if she ever did. The doubts that she would made their return as she heard Otterleap speak.
"No cat should have to." Dewpaw started, her voice quiet enough that he might not be able to hear her. She took a deep breath before trying again, this time at a reasonable volume. "I was, I-I didn't do much though... She looked away from him towards the ground ashamedly. "I lost quickly, I-I let Lilytail down." She should have been faster. She should have been stronger.

She should have been willing to fight. Dewpaw flexed her claws into the reeds beneath her paws, the cracking noise rousing her from her disappointed self-lecture on what she should have done. That didn't matter... they had won after all. "I-is it wrong that I... I hope we don't have to do that again?" She asked softly. Her voice low and nervous. The clan could do without another battle right? No matter what the other apprentices said or griped about.

Lakewhisper had been curled up in his nest not far from Otterleap and Dewpaw, when their voices woke him. Groaning, eyes still shut, he shifted in his nest before trying to fall asleep again. It was no use though. He was now awake; there was no going back to sleep again. Rising to his paws, he made his way to sit next to Otterleap with a yawn. "You do know this is the warrior's den. Where cats like to, uh, I don't know.. sleep?" He meowed teasingly to his two clanmates after grooming the bits and pieces of his nest off his pelt.

His gaze slowly rested on Dewpaw's nervous form, and he couldn't help but smile. He appreciated her kindness towards his uncle, and he knew Otterleap must appreciate it too. So many cats were judging the older tom extremely harshly for a mistake that could have happened to any of them. He knew his uncle was a good- no, great- warrior, but he could tell that their clanmates' judgments were taking a toll on Otterleap. Why his clanmates couldn't be understanding or supportive to their own clanmate (instead of the enemy clan's cats) was beyond him. It was nice knowing, though, that there was at least a tiny ounce of hope of loyalty in his clanmates.

"I didn't notice, I thought it was the gathering." Otterleap shot back, a hint of lightness entering his voice as he nudging the fellow warrior lightly and peeling off a rather stubborn piece of moss on his pelt. Lakewhisper's presence broke up the heaviness of their moment, though the senior warrior had no intention of not answering the apprentice's thought-provoking questions. Keeping this sort of thing bottled up was how he ended up where he did, Dewpaw needed this, as uncomfortable as it was. "We all have to play our part for the clan. You didn't let anyone down, and this will get easier with time... But there isn't anything wrong with feeling hesitant about it."

That was all he could say to her. He wished that he could promise her that there would be no more battles, no more blood shed over land, but that was impossible. All he could offer was this shred of comfort, that they were all suffering together.

Dewpaw looked at her paws guiltily as Lakewhisper spoke. Her blue eyes observing the reed lining of the den religiously as she moved back to give the other warrior room. Her body hunched up a little and made her flinch slightly as some scratches were aggravated.
"S-sorry Lakewhisper." She apologised softly, though her voice was drowned out by Otterleap's. He seemed unconcerned with the interruption, though she fidgeted anxiously over it and turned her head away thoughtfully at his words. She glanced back towards him then up at Lakewhisper. He seemed completely at ease, so at least she wasn't in too much trouble, she hoped. That it would get easier, however... she doubted it. The thought of fighting again nearly made her sick, but it was her duty. Her obligation.

"At least you think so." Dewpaw murmured. Her gaze turning to meet Otterleap's with some fear, though it wasn't of him now. "I don't want anycat to get hurt again... or for you to be..." She didn't have to finish her sentence. It was obvious from the conversations she could hear across the camp. The accusations and unfair words. Things he didn't deserve. She glanced at Lakewhisper, as she stood. Snow falling off her fur where it had settled while she had been sitting. "I should go back to hunting... If you want to join me when you're better... you're welcome to." She offered, smiling at both of the warriors before turning and leaving the den entrance at a steady pace. Her heart a little lighter now that she knew he was a good cat. She could only hope he was right about not letting her clan down, at the very least hunting should make up for her lack of fighting.