I've made a mistake (Closed)

Oh Starclan, this is gonna be hard. As Maplecloud slowly worked her way back through the territory that she had spent her entire life in, she realized that this was going to be much harder than she thought. She had spent so much time away from her clan, those she loved- those she needed. She wasn't even able to make it back to camp on her own. How was she supposed to tell everyone what had happened? She hardly even knew herself, but it had to be done. After all, Starclan and Blacktwig had helped her come this far, hadn't they? This had to be the right thing to do, else they wouldn't have led her here in the first place, right? What if it wasn't really Starclan, it was just the wind, or some other non-Starclan something? She could turn back now, and not have to do it at all. No, I have to do this.

The walk to camp was not easy, physically, nor emotionally. She had lost weight and was beginning to loose some of her hair, and with the forest having just begun leafbare, it would not be easy to regain. The wind sent a shiver down her spine, and she began to shake. Certain places in the forest reminded her of before she had went away, so she tried not to think about it too much. As Thunderclan camp came into view, she had to stop for a moment. Did she really want to do this? Would Blizzardstar accept her back? What if she didn't? Where would she go then? With those thoughts in her head, she began to make her way towards the camp entrance, ready to be back home. If Blizzardstar would let her.

As she came to the entrance, she realized that the sun would soon be up. If she wasn't going to be accepted back into Thunderclan, she didn't want the whole clan to see. Padding up to Blizzardstar's den, she sent a small prayer up to Starclan. Please let this go smoothly. "Blizzardstar, may I come in?" There was no going back now.

Blizzardstar was caught in an uneasy dream when Mapleclod had arrived. Images and phrases from the talk she had with Flamestrike coming and going, as well as the promise she made to the former deputy with starry pelt, her clans as they worriedly talked about the small prey pile and the medicine cats discussing a shortage of herbs beyond what was originally planned, the talks she had with Darkflight and Honeyspark….

Her eyes opened slowly as her puffed up fur started to go flat against her body when she realized she was in her den. However, it took her quite a bit to get out of that drunk-like state that you go through when you wake up, looking at Maplecloud with half closed eyes “W-wha…who?” She had to shake her head and look at her for some seconds before her mind could finally put the pieces back together and recognize the clanmate she had thought lost for so long even in her somewhat changed state “Maplecloud? Is it really you?” The white leader felt as if she was still dreaming, the pelt of the cat before her was nowhere close to the bright starry pelts of a StarClan cat, so she immediately discarded this as a message from them “I thought…when you disappeared…” With a sincere smile she immediately got closer to her and rubbed her cheek with a soft purr as a greeting “It’s good to see you again, old friend…where did you go all these moons?”.

Nothing made her happier to come back to a warm welcome. Her anxiety had gotten the best of her- she hadn't been thinking straight. Blizzardstar was her friend, she should have known she wouldn't be too upset. Maplecloud had to admit- it was a little funny seeing her wake up and not know what was going on. She must've looked worse off than she'd thought- it took Blizzardstar a bit to figure out who she was. When she came closer she flinched just a little, but shook it off. "It is gr-great to s-see you too, Blizzardstar." The last part of the sentence didn't shock her a bit, she knew it was coming. Maplecloud just didn't know how to put it into words. So much had happened, she barely seemed to know herself.

She sat down right there in her den, tears beginning to swell up in her eyes. As thoughts began to pour into her mind, her eyes darted around and she quickly realized that she was taking a little too much time to begin her story. Gotta start somewhere. "I do hope you r-remember Blacktwig." Just a single tear fell down her face, and she looked down at the ground beneath her as she continued. "Not l-long before he went missing, I had f-found out that I was pr-pregnant with his kits." She didn't realize that that was somewhat big news and that she hadn't actually told anyone but Blacktwig. She had spent so much time dwelling on the thought of it that it didn't seem like anything huge to her anymore. "You sh-should have seen the look on his f-face when I told him. He was the ha-happiest cat in the world. But then- as you know- he went m-missing. I was devastated, of course, but I just c-couldn't stand the thought of our p-poor kits growing up wi-without him. When I w-was out on a p-patrol one day, I made the decision to ...go out and look for him. I didn't think anything b-bad would come of it, and I was set on c-coming back to c-camp by the time n-night came around." She really did plan on going back home, it just- didn't turn out that way.

"While I was out, I re-realized that I had gone a l-little too far, and I didn't know... where I was. I started to panic, and I tr-tried to calm down and f-find my way back, but that only made it w-w-worse. I was terrified." She took a breath, looking into Blizzardstar's eyes for only the second time the entire time she'd been there. This time, her gaze stayed focused on her, not moving back down to her paws, or all acros the den. "Before long, the s-sun went down and it was d-dark. I found sh-shelter in an old, b-bent up twoleg thing that r-reeked of something l-like c-crowfood. I spent qu-quite a while t-there, at least a h-half-moon, until one day, I felt the worst p-pain. At this p-point it was... getting difficult to find f-food, and even if I m-managed to sniff s-something out, it was s-so hard to c-catch. I figured I was ju-just hungry, but b-before long, I had five p-perfect little kittens. Ther were three she-kits and two toms, I named them Mi-Mistkit, Fallowkit, Goldenkit, Sunk-kit, and Oakkit." She smiled at the memory, holding back a sob. She looked at Blizzardstar quizzically, as if to ask if she had any questions so far.

Blizzardstar fell silent when Maplecloud started to tell her the tale about why she had gone missing. The bit about her being pregnant caught her completely off-guard though. She had no idea, and after Blacktwig and she went missing nobody had told her anything about it. Dear StarClan, if she had known she wouldn’t had allowed her to go anywhere beyond the camp’s bramble walls.

“I…I understand…you were devastated by the loss of the one you loved the most and decided to try and find him on our own…you didn’t think on what could happen if your quest didn’t go out as planned. However, you should’ve thought about the worst case scenarios and at least took a warrior or two with you instead of going alone. I just hope you keep that in mind, if someday you decide to try and find someone else” Blizzardstar was trying really hard to understand and stay neutral. After all, all this had happened many moons ago, scolding her over a mistake she had already learned from all that that time ago would be foolish…but there was one bit of her story that she had left aside and made her curious and scared at the same time.

By the time she had returned her kits probably should be already around apprentice age, maybe younger if she was making her calculations wrong, but old enough to walk and she knew she wouldn’t leave them behind just to come and find her, not when knowing how dangerous the twolegs’ territory could be…but…if she hadn’t brought her kits with her. With a deep breath and fear in her chest she moved slightly to be able to see behind Maplecloud, and outside her den, hoping to see the small figures of her kits waiting outside…but she only saw the empty space of the camp “Maplecloud…w-where are your kits?” Her voice was shaky, and deep inside her she felt like she already knew the answer…and answer she seriously didn’t want to hear even if she had made the question.

The question she knew would arise. The one thing she couldn't prepare for. "Blizzardstar, it's all my fault! All of this is all my fault... She buried her muzzle in her paws, not wanting Blizzardstar to see her in tears. She'd already known, but talking about it was so hard. After a minute or so had gone by, she stopped herself from crying. She had to finish. "I was out hunting for my poor little kits. They had already grown so thin. By the time I had come back, I only had the smallest little mouse and a lizard. But what I came back to... Oh, it was the worst thing that has ever happened to me!" "When I came back, there was a fox. He had already gotten to the kits by the time I was there, so all I could do was try and fight him off. It was too late for three of the kits, and one was in critical danger. I could only save one in the end." She was trying her best not to have another outburst, but she was on the verge of tears again. "His poor little soul. He had to watch all of his siblings die, right in front of him. Not even half a moon later, he caught greencough. I don't know much about herbs, so there wasn't much I could do. His frail little body wasn't strong enough to carry on." That was it for her. She couldn't talk about that anymore. She got up and walked closer to Blizzrdstar, missing having a friend to lean on. As she sat down close to her friend, she picked the rest of the story back up again. "At that point I knew I didn't have much of a reason to live anymore. I couldn't make myself eat, and so it wasn't long before I was on the brink of death. That's when I saw it." This was the part she was particularly excited about. Her stomach decided to wait until that moment to start grumbling. "I was just about to go look for some prey for the first time in... a while. There was this... Well, I don't know what it was. It looked kind of like dust. Yeah, that must have been it... Dust." She didn't really know what it was at all, it was like shiny dust. She had never seen anything like it before. "After looking at it for a bit, it started to move, so I followed it. Then, it led me back to the forest. It was a sign from Starclan, I know it!" She was being a little bit exaggerative, it had only led her to the twoleg place. But anyways, she knew her way back to camp from there.

Blizzardstar listened to Maplecloud’s story with low ears and tears in her eyes. Losing her kits like that…she couldn’t even start to guess the pain she had to go through. She had lost so many loved ones in her past, the greatest loss still being that of the brother she looked up to so many moons ago, but she had heard that there was no greater loss than that of a queen that is forced to see their very own kits join StarClan before they do.

Without thinking she walked towards the grieving she-cat and laid at her side, placing her long fluffy tail on her back in an attempt to comfort her. She had more questions, but her mouth never opened to make them. She didn’t have the heart to force her friend to answer them when she clearly wasn’t in condition to do so.

She would soon find out she didn’t need to ask though, as Maplecloud told the rest of the story without any kind of questioning from her part. A special dust that guided her back home…well, that definitely did sound as StarClan intervention for her. True, she wasn’t there to see it and she wasn’t aware that Maplecloud had exaggerated a bit, but she was so sure about it that she couldn’t help but feel somewhat convinced of this as well “We have to thank StarClan for your safe return home then” She purred softly “We can get you something to eat, and then announce your return to the rest of the clan if you want? I’m sure that you’ll find a lot of new faces around, so it may be a good idea for them to know your name”.

Blizardstar's efforts at comforting Maplecloud definitely helped, though it only chipped away at the pain a little. When she mentioned something to eat, her ears definitely perked up. You could clearly see her ribs right through her thin silver pelt, and she was likely one of the skinniest cats in the forest. "That sounds g-great." As she thought about what Blizzardstar had said about the rest of the clan... Well, her thoughts weren't all positive. "Are... Are you sure they'll a-accept m-me back? What if th-they don't un-understand?" Surely, if Blizzardstar thought it was right, it had to be, didn't it? But the little bit of doubt still stuck in her head, and would for many moons. How could they accept her, when she had left them practically right at the beginning of leafbare? She wouldn't blame them if they made her leave, but that was what she had come here to do, right? Then, an interesting thought popped into her head. "That... That dust. It led me back here, and I'd like to remember that forever. I'd like to change my name, Blizzardstar. Dustcloud?" Maplecloud didn't want to be Maplecloud anymore. Maplecloud was depressed, lonely, and had no purpose. Dustcloud would be a new beginning for her, she could start over with a new slate.

She looked back to Blizzardstar, her head tilted in a questioning way.

Blizzardstar gave her friend a comforting smile before getting up, her tail still on her back “We all make mistakes. I can’t say that they will understand right away, as they probably won’t, but give them time and they’ll accept you back. This is your home, we are your clan, and we won’t just push you aside” The white leader turned around to walk out of the den, wondering if she would be able to find something big enough to in the fresh-kill pile to feed Maplecloud. This Leafbare had been especially though on ThunderClan and the pile was quite low, she was grateful to have such a long fluffy coat now, as it hid the effects of her lack of food from the cats around her…though she knew she was nowhere close to how thin her friend was.

Her last words made her stop in her tracks almost immediately, turning to look at her with a surprised gaze “Change youy name? I-I mean, if that’s what you really want I can do it…but I can’t just give you back your old name if you ever decide you don't like the new one. Are you really sure you want this?” Blizzardstar was a bit concerned, wondering if this was an impulse-driven decision from her grieving friend that she would come to regret later on.

"I..." Was she sure? She had been Maplecloud all her life, and this would be a big change. But it just felt right. "Yes Blizzardstar, I am sure." She got up and followed her friend out of her den, her gut grumbling. How was she still alive? She didn't really feel hungry, but obviously, her body needed food. Dear Starclan, she could smell the pile all the way on the other side of camp. She followed after Blizzardstar, out into camp where everyone could see her.

ooc: short, but who cares ¯\_(ツ)_/¯