Hear Me (Closed)

OOC: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkB2eJfF3W8

The evening fell, bringing a pleasant chill to the previously warm, humid air as a cool breeze swept across the landscape. As the moon rose, the ShadowClan cats began to get up from their nests and go about their regular duties, and the medicine cat was one of them. A full day had passed since her apprentice had gained his full name, and yet Honeydrop's inner being fought against what she had decided to do at this point long ago. Ever since he was a young kit, Roaringblaze had expressed a natural, irrepressible curiosity, something that helped him learn more than any technique she could teach. She had always done her best to answer all of his questions, on topics from the medicine cat code (which seemed ironic, given her secret violation of it) to the effects and names of certain herbs, roots and berries. There was one question, however, that she knew he wanted the answer to most of all- a question that burned inside his yellow eyes whenever she looked at them, but one that he had been far too polite to ask her. The question of her past.

Of course, she had never been surprised that he wanted to know. She often forgot that many of the Clan's newer members- her own sons included- knew nothing of the incidents that had left her with both emotional and physical scars that would never fully fade away. It was a puzzle to some of them, especially the curious young apprentice, how a medicine cat so apparently kind and cautious had ended up in such a predicament as to barely escape alive, as the thin line across her throat suggested; other questions included why she often avoided her father Mudfoot, why she was so kind to Flamestrike (though that one had a completely separate answer that she did not intend to give) and the reason why she had such a deep-seated hatred of rogues- except for the aforementioned tom. All those questions, or most of them, found their answers in the traumatizing story of her past, which seemed ages ago but had in reality happened not too many moons before. Over the course of two moons, her appearance, her personality and her life had been altered drastically, and Roaringblaze still didn't know why.

Today, that would be remedied.

The golden dappled she-cat nudged the new full medicine cat with her paw, rousing him from an exhausted sleep. She had informed him yesterday that they would be having a talk soon, now that he had gained his full name, and though she hadn't been specific, she suspected that he had gleaned her meaning with his powers of deduction that he so often used. "Time t-to w-w-wake up, R-Roaringblaze." She still enjoyed the way his name rolled off her tongue- despite the stutter marring her otherwise beautiful voice.

Roaringblaze woke to the stuttering voice of his once-mentor, sleep gently rolling off his body from a needed rest. The medicine cat's yellow eyes slowly blinked open, the golden pelt of Honeydrop focusing into view as his pupils adjusted to the sun's early rays. He felt a twinge of fondness for his fellow medicine cat and curled up into a sitting position, feeling alright with the world for the first time in a long while.

"Morning Honeydrop." The small tom yawned widely, looking around the den and seeing his latest project a few rabbit hops away. He felt a burst of inspiration and hoped he could finish it today. Roaringblaze got to his paws and faced Honeydrop again, this time noticing her expression.

With a jolt that erased any last trace of sleepiness and distraction, he remembered what was going on today. Honeydrop hadn't said what it was going to be about specifically, but her vague words yesterday alerted Roaringblaze that this conversation could either be about two things: her past, or a sign from starclan about the mist. But Roaringblaze doubted she would've waited till morning to tell him about any updates about the mist, let alone the clan, so the new medicine cat was almost certain she was going to talk about her traumatic experiences.

Wanting to alleviate some of her nerves or fears if they were there, Roaringblaze smiled and acted as if everything was normal. He'd let her take the lead on this, giving her all the time she'd need. "That was a good night of sleep," he commented truthfully, stretching out his limbs. "Do you want me to take care of restocking our horsetail supply today?" Gathering that herb was a pain, but Roaringblaze was willing to do it if it gave Honeydrop some time. "I know we've been putting it off, but I can do it if you want."

Honeydrop took a deep breath in, offering her former apprentice a soft smile of thanks for his consideration. At the last sentences he said, her body stiffened involuntarily. She thought she'd gotten over that old reflex. She wasn't surprised that Roaringblaze had noticed her apparent aversion to going out to collect coltsfoot or horsetail- something that she would hopefully explain today without getting cold feet. But the ShadowClan medicine cat steeled her nerves and made herself nod, her deep amber eyes showing only a trace of the internal struggle she went through. "W-We can go t-t-together. I'm s-sorry that I've b-been putting it off f-for s-s-so long. A-And we can... t-t-talk on the w-way." She was going to do this. Even though reliving her traumatic experiences was the last thing she wanted to do, the tom deserved the information. He deserved to know why his otherwise capable mentor was so... disabled. Why she was a horrible medicine cat. He deserved to know all of her faults, and so she would tell him. Then he would understand. Then he wouldn't be obligated to like her and tolerate her any more. Their friendly relationship had been wonderful and healing while it lasted, but she wouldn't selfishly let him hold onto his misled belief that she was a good cat. She would let him know her past. The honey-gold she-cat stood up on shaky limbs and and began to walk out of the medicine den. At least their walk to one of the places that terrified her most would add a proper setting to her distressing history- and would lessen the chances that someone would overhear their conversation. "W-Walk with m-me, please, R-R-Roaringblaze."

Roaringblaze nodded at her request. It looked like she wanted to get the talk done now, which he totally understood. "Sure thing, Honeydrop."

He went over to the entrance of camp, turning around to wait for Honeydrop to catch up with him before heading out into the marsh by her side. The autumn breeze made him shiver, the wet bog beneath his paws clinging to his fur like a foreboding preview of leaf-bare's cold touch. His fur wasn't think enough for leaf-bare, making the young cat shiver relentlessly as they padded on towards the horsetail patch.

As they traveled on, Roaringblaze fought a bundle of nerves. He didn't know what to expect, which left him on edge. Most importantly, he was scared that talking about something that made her so paranoid and have frequent nightmares would make her feel worse. Roaringblaze hated confrontation more than anything, and hated talking about his own problems because doing that felt like he was facing it. He didn't know if this would be the case for Honeydrop, but if it was Roaringblaze was going to have to be alert-

'I want to heal all kinds of wounds.'

Roaringblaze remembered saying that with a start, the memory of Echopaw hitting him. His promise to her threw him out of his thoughts swirling down a cowardly path once again. Honeydrop needed him, Roaringblaze realized. She needed him to do more than just pick up the pieces- he needed to help her heal.

When they reached their destination, Roaringblaze was prepared and resolved to do just that.

The chilly air was bracing as the pair padded out of camp and into the territory. The mud beneath her paws was cold as well and wet with dew, a reminder that it had likely rained earlier in the day. Despite the cold, however, her mind was warm with nervous anxiety, and a deep-seated desire to run off into the woods. But she knew that it wasn't an option. She had come this far, and it would be cowardly to stop. Her former apprentice was about to find out how useless and disabled she was- she didn't want him to know about her cowardice, too. He would hate her enough after this. The silence was stifling, the loudest sound she'd ever heard. It was oddly peaceful, though, in a way. It seemed a shame to break it with her stuttering voice. But she would do it. For Roaringblaze. "I w-wasn't always th-this w-way," she started, her voice seeming unnaturally loud in the quiet air. She was sure the tom could hear her heart beating. "I-I didn't always s-s-stutter. I d-didn't a-always have this s-scar. B-But it's how I a-am now. Because of t-two cats- a r-r-rogue, and a-an exiled w-warrior. I'll... s-start at the b-b-beginning."

The she-cat took a deep, shaky breath and began her story, traveling back in time in her mind. To a place where she was a brand new medicine cat with a brand new apprentice, a soft voice and a beautiful, unmarred pelt- and a sure faith in StarClan. "I h-had only been a f-f-full medicine c-cat for less th-than a m-moon when I got an a-apprentice. Her n-name was- was P-P-Puddlepaw." Despite the young she-cat's recent conversation with her at the Moonstone, just saying the apprentice's name brought back a world of pain all its own. She found herself wincing, then gritted her teeth and pressed on, pawsteps more firm as she walked on, looking straight ahead instead of at Roaringblaze. She couldn't look at Roaringblaze. "Sh-She had a s-s-sister whose n-name was W-W-Wolffang." The gray warrior's name was bitter on her tongue. "E-Even though she w-was a very y-y-young warrior, my f-father, M-Mudfoot, took her a-as a m-mate." She remembered her utter confusion at why her father was attracted to the fierce young she-cat, the feelings of betrayal at Ferretshine's memory. "W-Wolffang was... not r-r-right in the h-head. She was c-crazy, p-possessive of both my f-father and my a-a-apprentice's time. Sh-She thought I was o-overworking Puddlepaw, th-that I was g-getting b-b-between them, th-that I w-was the cause o-of their recent f-f-falling-out."

"W-Well, she d-decided to take m-m-matters into h-her o-own paws. When I-I was a-a-alone one day, i-in the medicine d-den, W-W-Wolffang came in, p-pretending to have a-a torn c-claw. I w-went to go l-look at it, b-but it was f-f-fine. The n-next thing I k-knew, she h-had me p-pinned down to the f-floor, one p-paw on my th-throat, o-one on my sh-shoulders, claws u-unsheathed. She w-was going to k-k-kill me, R-Roaringblaze." The golden medicine cat shuddered as the memory came back, the initial fear and panic of that moment washing over her all over again. "Sh-She would have c-cut open my th-throat if F-F-Flamestrike hadn't w-walked in just th-then. He n-needed something for b-bellyache, but h-he forgot all a-about it wh-when he s-saw what was h-h-happening." She thanked StarClan every day for that touch of bellyache that her mate had experienced. He hadn't been her mate then, of course. "He t-tackled W-W-Wolffang, and t-told me to g-go get Th-Th-Thrushstar. This w-was when Th-Thrushstar was s-still leader. I r-ran out to g-get him, and h-he was absolutely o-outraged. It w-was almost f-frightening to see. He e-exiled her i-immediately, but not b-before she asked M-Mudfoot to come w-with her. H-He didn't, of c-course, but I c-could tell he w-wanted to. He l-loved her m-more than m-me. I th-think he only s-stayed for Sh-ShadowClan." She could feel the pain of realization pang her heart again, remembered the feeling of blood trickling down her throat from the thin scratch that had almost been deeper. She shook her head again, trying not to let tears steal into her eyes. She already probably looked weak in Roaringblaze's eyes. "A-Anyway, it sh-should have been o-o-over then. B-But it w-wasn't." The medicine cat looked into her former apprentice's face for the first time, the emotions in her face mostly unreadable. She would ask him before continuing, she needed to know if there was any explanation that she would not have to painfully relive before this was over. "Wh-What have you h-heard of B-B-Bear?"

Roaringblaze wanted to fill the silence that had fallen between them, but he had nothing to say that wouldn't be intrusive. There was something fragile about it, the bog the only thing daring to fill the air with sound as Honeydrop prepared to speak. So he stayed quiet, looking forward to give her a sense of privacy as she collected her thoughts. He wanted to glance at her, but the medicine cat refused himself from doing such a thing for her sake. This isn't about him and his curiosity- today's conversation would be about Honeydrop and the deep scars that had left unforgiving psychological wounds.

When she started to speak, Roaringblaze listened as hard as he could.

Her words were not pretty. Their weight was as cruel as a rat's poisonous bite, retelling a story as vicious as unforgiving as the dark forest itself. He was shocked at how horrible other cats could be to others. Honeydrop had to go through that?

Once she finished the part with her father leaving the clan, Roaringblaze thought the story was done. But then she asked him if he ever heard of a rogue named Bear, as if the terrible story continued. For a moment, he felt like she had been cheated.

Gulping down words he desperately wanted to say, Roaringblaze shook his head.

Honeydrop took a deep, shaky breath and nodded, closing her eyes to muster up as much strength as she could. She would need it, especially to tell the next part. "B-B-Bear was a r-rogue, a h-horrible tom who h-hated the C-Clans and all their w-warriors. He was f-forming an a-army of r-r-rogues and k-kidnapped C-Clan cats from e-every Clan, t-training them to f-f-fight and t-take control of th-the f-forest. He and W-Wolffang met up, a-and th-they became m-mates. She wanted r-revenge on the C-Clans, especially Sh-ShadowClan. Especially m-m-me." Even as she talked, they came upon the place of their destination. A small grassy hollow, protected from wind, with a few clumps of coltsfoot and horsetail among the trodden-down grass. Though she wasn't as completely terrified of the place as she used to be, she still had to fight hard to keep control of her limbs and slow down her breathing. Angry at herself for still being so weak, she shook her head and continued. "I-I was h-here, collecting h-h-herbs, when it h-happened."

Her deep amber eyes took in the sight, memories flashing back to the day of her nightmares. "Of c-course, I was sh-shaken by the m-m-murder attempt. B-But I tried as h-hard as p-possible to be k-kind to poor P-P-Puddlepaw. She h-had just l-lost her own s-sister, and it m-must have been h-hard for her a-as well. S-So instead of a-asking her to g-go get the h-herbs we n-needed, I w-went a-a-alone. Oh, h-how I w-wish I hadn't." The medicine cat sat down on the cool, muddy grass so that she wouldn't have to keep forcing her legs to stay still. She had to be calm, she had to be strong. Roaringblaze was already looking at her like a weak cat, she didn't have to prove him right. She just needed to spit out the rest of her horrible story and this would all be over. "A-As I was c-collecting herbs, B-Bear came up t-to me. W-W-Wolffang had t-told him about m-me, and h-he had d-decided that he w-wanted to h-have a m-m-medicine cat f-for his little 'C-Clan' of r-rogues. And W-Wolffang wanted her r-r-revenge as w-well. He t-told me to c-come with him. O-Of course, I r-refused and s-started to walk a-away. But th-then I saw that W-Wolffang was th-there too." Her unreadable eyes traveled over the spot where she had stood those moons ago, a rogue on either side, ready to take her away from everything she had ever known and loved. "Th-They had a-ambushed me- th-they were going to t-take me l-like they h-had other C-Clan cats. Wh-When I r-realized that, I kn-knew I was d-d-done for. I c-couldn't hope to f-fight them o-off with no t-t-training. There was n-no one th-there to h-help me, like F-Flamestrike had d-done last time. W-Wolffang pushed me t-to the g-ground, then t-told me to c-come or they w-would m-m-make me. I-I knew I h-had only one ch-chance of e-escape- to r-r-run. I h-had to s-surprise them, a-and I had to d-do it n-now, wh-when I stil c-could." Even though she had known it would be almost futile, she had tried anyway. There was no other choice, except to come quietly. And frankly, she would have rather died than do that.

"S-So I th-threw a pawful of m-mud into B-Bear's face, sh-shoved myself into W-Wolffang's side, and r-r-ran for a-all my l-life was worth. Wh-Which wasn't m-much. But I-I'm not a v-very fast r-runner, and c-camp was f-far off. Th-They caught u-up to me e-easily, then B-B-Bear knocked me o-out and th-the next thing I kn-knew, I w-was in the A-Abandoned Barn, a-along with his r-rogues and the other C-Clan cats he'd t-t-taken. I... I g-gave up h-hope. I th-thought I would d-d-die there, R-Roaringblaze, away from e-everything I ever kn-knew, everyone I-I'd ever l-loved. A-A-Alone." Despite her efforts to hold them back, the tears came- just like they had when she was trapped in the Barn, like they had when she had come here with Flamestrike after the whole ordeal. Tears dripped silently down her cheeks, slipping through her tightly shut eyes, carrying the feelings of loss and pain and despair with them. She didn't know if she could keep going.

Roaringblaze's eyes widened as the story spiraled down into a dark abyss of pain and hurt that he could only imagine. Honeydrop's stutter got worse, the darkness she bottled up bursting out like a heavy rain that knocked down ancient stones and batted trees to the ground. His heart dropped as her painful emotions crashed into him, his eyes burning as he took it all in. This was worse than he had realized, so much worse.

When her eyes crinkled shut with tears, Roaringblaze couldn't hold it in anymore. He started to cry with her, silently taking in the raw bundle of insecurity and feelings of deprivation his mentor had finally revealed. Roaringblaze never felt more proud to look up to Honeydrop. She opened up something so dark and horrible in her past to him.

Roaringblaze's voice failed him for a moment as he gathered himself together. Right now was a crucially important moment. Honeydrop, in this vulnerable state, needs him to use the right words and actions to show her how strong and amazing she is.

He hugged her in the way cats do- he pressed his side against hers and wrapped his tail around her shoulder.

"Honeydrop...thank you so much for confiding to me something so hard to talk about. I can't even imagine how horrible that was." His voice caught in his throat. "Mentor, you're amazing. You went through all of that, but here you are going strong. I didn't know this for a long time, but recently I learned that one of the hardest things to do is to confront your demons and talk to someone about it."

His eyes steeled with determination. "Mentor, I know you think you're weak. But you're not. You taught me more than the kinds of herbs and remedies there are. You taught me to protect the cats I love and care about. You survived the horrible things life threw your way and continued to serve your clan anyways. Your past haunts you, but that doesn't make you weak Honeydrop. That makes you strong because that's all it is now- the past." He offered a smile. "I'm going to help you see that. You may not believe me now, but I'll make sure you do someday. So believe in that, if you need something to hold onto during times when it gets hard."

Honeydrop hadn't even been able to finish the story before breaking down into tears. So much for a complete confession. But even as drops of water streamed down her cheeks, she could feel them carrying the pain with them. Not all of it, but some of it. Somehow, confiding in Roaringblaze- letting him know how weak she had been, how much had happened to her, how it was all her fault- somehow, it had alleviated some of her own suffering. Of course, she could never truly recover from her experiences, as the scar across her throat and the ones on her heart would never heal. But maybe her old wounds could at least close, and keep the pain farther from the surface. But at what cost had she managed to recover some of who she must have once been? At the inevitable cost of pushing her apprentice farther away from her. The medicine cat prepared herself for the tom's response, steeling herself for the worse. But she was not expecting what would happen.

He... he understood. Somehow, Roaringblaze understood. As the black tom pressed against her side, offering her words of comfort, her emotions fought their way to the surface a second time. A fresh wave of tears rolled down her cheeks. The words he spoke were so forgiving, so impossibly kind, that she almost couldn't believe what she was hearing. Besides Flamestrike, no one had truly believed in her since- since Ferretshine died. And something he said resonated deeply within her- someone else's voice echoed in her head, a voice she had heard when they visited the Moonstone two nights ago. He was a cat who was only ever meant to heal rather than harm, to love rather than fight. And you were the perfect cat to teach him, Puddlepaw's voice whispered, in perfect harmony with the determined chorus of her apprentice. Though it was hard to believe that the words were true, it was counsel from StarClan. And they were always right, weren't they?

Honeydrop barely managed to choke out three words- the words that needed to be said. "Th-Thank you, R-R-Roaringblaze."

There was still so much to tell him. How the Clans had waged war on Bear and his rogues; how Flamestrike had fought Bear, who turned out to be his long-lost brother; how she had ended up rescuing the orange warrior from death, and then in turn was saved by him as he killed Bear before the tom could kill her; how they had found Wolffang's two kits and carried them away to ShadowClan. But that felt like a conversation for another time. Who was she to ruin the perfect moment of love and compassion that they now shared? Because right now, with her fellow medicine cat's pelt pressing against hers, and his trusting words ringing in her ears, Honeydrop finally felt like maybe, just maybe, everything would be alright.