Walk in the footsteps of a stranger (Closed for Ink)

The amount of devastation made the apprentice's heart ache, everything was blackened and the smell of smoke still thick. Specklepaw felt like she was suffocating, the smell of fresh-air never to grace her lungs and flush them of the black soot that seemed to become every fibre of her being. Specklepaw brought in some of the smoky air into her lungs, the feeling of filth making her want to vomit. The she-cat could barely look at the devastation, turning to look at her large paws that were turned black from her tireless hunting but she couldn't bring herself to clean them.

If grief was a physical being for the she-cat, it would be the water and sludge from Shadowclan's territory with no foundation for her to stand on. She felt like if she gave any leeway she'd be sucked under and drowned, but she wouldn't let it. She was a fighter and she'd be damned if she'd let it take her, there was still a future for her, her friends and their kittens. A fiery spark of determination spiked in her chest, alighting the soot that rested in her lungs.

Turning to look to her clan-mates, her face set as she looked upon their grief much like hers. They were drowning much like her, she couldn't help them all directly but she'd start from the top, Blizzardshine. The deputy was obviously trying to best to give the clan hope, but she knew the face of hopelessness. She stared into a face much alike hers every day, the older apprentice had been wearing that face for as long as she had been alive.

Getting to heavy paws, her chest rattling as she breathed, a wet cough racking her body as she made her way to the deputy. "Blizzardshine, do you want to go on a walk?" The apprentice's voice was hoarse and crackly as if she hadn't used it in seasons. She doubted that she could help the deputy, for she wasn't wise and experienced like her. She was only moons old, barely a full twelve moons, so what could she really do for her? She had to help, if she wanted to help the clan she had to help Blizzardshine.

Blizzardshine was on the edges of camp, right next to the river as she allowed her front paws to soak on its clear waters. The cuts made by the brambles on her front paws and muzzle were still easy to see and healing rather slowly given her refusal to get treated by the medicine cat. The herbs were scarce after the fire and of extreme value to the clan, those should be stored or used on cats in worse conditions instead of wasted mindlessly on small wounds like the ones she was forcing herself to deal with. The wound were indeed bothersome, but even without herbs she could tell that once they were healed there would be no scars left behind.

She let out a deep sigh as she stared down at her own reflection in the flowing water of the river. Her fur, usually shiny and fluffy, was dirty and shaggy even after all the time she spent every single day trying to return it to its former glory, burnt patches not allowing it to look as it used to and the ash and soot always managing to get everywhere as she tried to look for any remaining prey on the territory to feed her clanmates. Her eyes, usually shiny and full of life, now were dull and troubled, and the more she tried to hide her feelings from the clan to keep them above the water the more they worked to betray her.

She was so lost on the stormy waters of her mind to notice Specklepaw as she padded towards her, causing her head to rise rather quickly with straight ears and wide eyes when her voice brought her back to the real world “Oh, hello Specklepaw” She purred the best she could, her hoarse voice not helping the white deputy at all “Sure, is there anything on your mind? Something I can help you with?” She was sincerely surprised to be asked to go on a walk, at the time most of the clan was so down that the patrols were made mostly because of fear of another clan trying to take advantage of their weakened state and steal their territory, or the hunger they felt because of the lack of prey. As she spoke she slowly got back to her paws, turning around to face the apprentice in a more comfortable position and waiting for her to lead the way.

"..." Specklepaw said nothing, a frown creasing her face as she looked beyond her seasons. Tilting her head she headed towards the burnt territory, before she started padding towards the charred forest. She was silent for most of the walk, looking back to make sure Blizzardshine was following her. The large apprentice recognized where she was heading despite the wreckage, it felt like she had walked this territory more than almost twelve moons.

Coming up to the top of the ravine Specklepaw gave an audible inhale out of shock to see the camp, she was glad that what was left of Sandblaze's body was dragged away and buried or else she wouldn't have brought Blizzardshine here. "It's not help for me that I need. It's what you need." Specklepaw spoke, turning to look at Blizzardshine in the eye before turning again and stumbling down the Ravine. Sending pebbles showering down as she flinched with every heavy step, she wasn't taking the herbs for her joints again. She didn't need them compared to the rest of the clan, their burns on their pelts too severe and easily infected.

Once she got to the bottom she waited for Blizzardshine to meet her down there before diving into the camp... or what was left of it. "You won't be doing any kind good if you're suffering, Blizzardshine. Thunderclan has been through a lot, I can tell. Through elder's stories, though the streaks of black on healing trees. In the eyes of the senior warriors as they remember their trauma with the Dark forest." She hissed, unkind of the mention as she settled herself on her behind as she faced the miserable she-cat.

"I'm not blind. I can see despair just fine, I've seen enough of it in Falconpaw's eyes. I can smell it, I suffocate on it almost as much as I do on this smoke. I'm not wise or seasoned as you are, that's a given." She hissed, before getting to her paws. She was keeping Blizzardshine's head spinning, she walked up to the deputy and swiped the earth. Sending up a cloud of black soot but revealing stalks of green underneath. "But, we all recover in time. This is proof, but it will never be truly gone like the charcoal on the burnt trees." She meowed, her brows furrowing as she looked up at Blizzardshine through small eyelashes. Determined.

"Look around you Blizzardshine! We loose and we loose! There will never not be misery so suck in your gut and scrunch up your face, yowl it into the forest! Curse the dark-forest, curse all who had wronged you! Do it until your throat burns and you've no air in your lungs." She spat, spinning on her paws as she raised her head to the canopy; her legs stepping apart as she beckoned Blizzardshine with her tail. Opening her jaws as wide as they could go and drawing as much air until her lungs until they left like they could fill and yowled. It felt awkward for Specklepaw as she screeched into the air, but the feeling of released tensions kept her going.

Blizzardshine tilted her head when she got no answer from the apprentice, but guessed that it could be a private issue that she simply couldn’t let the rest of the clan know about. Without hesitation, she padded after the apprentice through the scorched territory, recognizing the path they were taking and not feeling exactly comfortable with the decision of the apprentice. It was true that she had been there to mourn and bury the remains of Sandblaze some sunhighs ago, but she wasn’t one of the warriors that went to retrieve the body, so she hadn’t got close enough to see the state in which the camp was in…and in all honesty she didn’t know if she was ready yet.

Walking the path her paws knew so well even with such a different scenery, she could feel her heart racing against her chest at full speed and a lump on her throat. However, all the worry she felt towards watching the camp’s awful state soon disappeared as soon as Specklepaw spoke, causing her to flinch visibly “M-me?” Her voice showed how confused she felt with the revelation as she followed the big apprentice, her heart sinking as her eyes finally witnessed the destruction of the camp. This was the second time in her life she had lost her home, and though the first one wasn’t as severe, as she born unaware of this fact, this time it hit her like a monster from the Thunderpath.

Her eyes went from the darkened scenery around her to Specklepaw once more when she resumed speaking to her, the memory that struck her the hardest being that of the Dark Forest. She simply couldn’t help but feel a mix of confusion and worry as her younger clanmate made clear that she could easily see through her calm and happy façade. All she wanted was to give the clan hope and support them even if that meant carrying all the despair and sadness of her clanmates on her shoulders completely on her own, but knowing that an apprentice could so easily see through her fake smile…it was possible that the rest of the clan had done the same without her knowing? Could it be that she was only making things worse instead of helping like she originally intended to? Could she…be repeating the same mistake that Rockthorn had pointed out about her, which led the tom to the path he had taken? Was she failing to her clan again?

Tears started to pool on the white she-cats eyes as her while act started to shatter and fall all around her like pieces of broken glass, revealing in her expression the confusion, the sadness, the anger, the impotence, the fear, and many other emotions that she had been trying to keep hidden behind smoke and mirrors all this time. She looked with lost gaze at the green stalks underneath the ash Specklepaw had just kicked away, her next words a bit fuzzy in her head as she grew dizzy from her own thoughts and emotions, which were now free from bounds and had gone into an all-out rampage inside her.

Trying her best to follow Specklepaw’s advice, she mimicked her and allowed her to yowl, her voice flooded with so many feelings that it would be extremely hard for anyone hearing to point out all of them correctly. However, her yowl didn’t last as long as the apprentice’s, her legs turning weak underneath her and causing her to fall on the darkened floor, raising a small cloud of ash and soot as she broke down to tears, her claws leaving small tracks on the burnt forest floor. Her mind was so troubled at the time she wouldn’t be able to tell why she was even crying at the time, even less form coherent phrases…or words.

So she just stood there, crying and almost curled up in a tight ball as for the first time in only StarClan knows how long, she let her emotions take over her instead of bottling them up in an attempt to keep her clan afloat.

Specklepaw's head lashed around when she saw the deputy collapse beside her into a fit of tears, doubts and regret making Specklepaw's gut feel cold. Sucking in her breath and swallowing she fully turned to look down at the deputy who was curled at her paws and shuddering, self-doubt making her hesitant. Scrunching in her face she let the deputy sob for a while, after all she needed it. So much devastation had happened in so little time, the she-cat had no time to put her feelings straight.

"You don't need to be alone, Blizzardshine. You don't need to... to... suffocate! On all this disaster!" She spat sourly, turning on her foot she laid next to the white she-cat. Wrapping large paws around the she-cat's form and pulling her into her chest and throat, a not-so-shockingly deep purr rumbling from her throat like a monster on the thunderpath. A pink tongue peaked out and started rasping at the she-cats face, drying her fur, clearing away the soot and cleaning the scratches on the she-cat's muzzle that was alike hers.

Specklepaw's mind stirred as she internally spited herself for being such a hypocrite, she was in pain herself but more physical than anything. Her joints hurt, her chest rattled and she spat up bile almost constantly, her wounds tasted of infection and everything just seemed to burn. Sure she was hurting on the inside, she was still grieving over her father hitting her and disowning her. Her home being turned to ashes, her siblings hardly ever being there. Rockthorn killing his ex-mate. Mentally shaking her head she forced herself to focus on Blizzardshine, snuffling her nose into the white and grey she-cats fur.

"I'm here for you Blizzardshine, you don't need to carry this weight anymore. There's cats who are always willing to help, you don't need to keep rubbing your paw pads raw for us." The apprentice spat, the she-cat didn't deserve it. Blizzardshine was too soft, she should just leave the silent suffering for cat's like her; after all, Specklepaw despite her youth was strong. She grew up in her own dark time, with Rockthorn and her father. With a time full of destruction, though she couldn't imagine what it could have been with the Dark Forest.

"It'll only be up from here. The fire is gone, Rockthorn is bound to be caught soon being injured as he is. No cat will be eager to start up a war, we've got Skyclan coming to our aid. And if any cat wants to fight Thunderclan, they'll have to go through me." It was half a joke but Specklepaw had no doubt in her mind that she could tear down a whole Riverclan battle patrol with one paw behind her back, after all that was the one thing the she-cat felt confident about in herself.