Thoughts on the Wind [Closed]

Mottleheart sat on the cusp of the hill that surrounded the WindClan camp, his gaze fixed on the horizon as the winds tugged on his short fur. While the days were getting warmer, the wind still sent a shiver down the warrior's spine as he shook his head. He was never admit it, but the memory of that foul rogue attacking Rockpaw still shook him. What kind of warrior was he, panicking in a moment like that? Rockpaw would have died if Brindlewhisker hadn't been there... He wasn't even sure what had come over him in that moment. Was he truly a warrior if he broke down at sight...The sound of combat? Sure, he had never been fond of the idea of fighting the other Clans but would it be something he could even do if it was truly needed? His eyes narrowed, his claws digging into the ground as he bit back a hiss of anger at himself. He was a mess. He didn't know what to do with himself anymore...

Ashstar needed a break. From the stress and responsibility of leading a Clan to her own personal grief that never seemed to go away, she never had a moment to relax. Which was probably why she found herself walking aimlessly around the moors, alone with her troubled thoughts. Whenever it seemed the sun would warm her pelt, a cold gust of wind swept it away. Whenever it seemed the good parts of her life would outnumber the bad, something else happened. Dear StarClan, what is wrong with me? Can I not lead my Clan well enough? What... What do you need me to do? As she padded quietly through the long grass, she found her former apprentice, Mottleheart, sitting by himself, lost in thought. He was probably the cat she trusted most in the whole Clan. It had been a while since she talked to the tom. He had his own problems now, and had come a long way from the timid apprentice she had mentored. The WindClan leader padded up and sat by him. "Hello, Mottleheart," Ashstar greeted the tom quietly. "Fine day, isn't it?"

Mottleheart hadn't realized Ashstar had stumbled upon him until her voice filled his ears, causing him to jolt as he quickly sheathed his claws. "Ashstar!" he gasped but there was a joy to his voice, his eyes lighting up in simple pleasure to see the leader. With things being how it was the two never got to see each other, both busy with their own duties. Her company was something he gravely missed from his time as an apprentice."Yes, its a wonderful day." As he spoke, he turned his gaze to the horizon once more, shoving down all of his uncertainty. Ashstar was like a mother to him, caring for him when he was an apprentice and needed a parent figure the most...He wanted to see her proud of him and so he couldn't let her know how he had reacted in the face of battle. It was shameful, having a breakdown like that... He couldn't stand reflecting poorly upon her after all that she had done for him. And so he forced a smile on his face, his eyes as warm as ever. "How are you doing?" he asked, flickering his tail in invitation for her to sit next to him.

Ashstar smiled at the tom's happiness, sitting next to him on the soft grass. A slight breeze ruffled her fur as she looked down on the cats in WindClan camp. Mottleheart was like a son to her, and just being near him brought her joy. She drank in the sunlight, feeling at peace for a few moments. The smile faded off her face when he asked how she was doing. "I'm..." she started, glancing down at the ground. "I'm not that well, to be honest. I know it's been a long time since my mate's death, but I still feel grief. More than it seems I should."

A small smile crossed her face as she looked over the horizon, spring green eyes somewhere far away. "You'd have liked him, Mottleheart. He was always so sweet and caring, kind and considerate. His sense of humor could brighten the darkest day. I loved him more than anything. He was the joy of my life, the reason for my existence, the sun in my sky. Losing him... It was like losing a part of me. It was even worse than when I lost my son, Sharppaw. I died from the pain. It's mostly gone, now. But somehow, I can never fully escape it." Ashstar looked into her former apprentice's eyes. "You remind me of him, Mottleheart. When I'm with you, sometimes it's like I never lost him at all. But then I must return to the reality where I am Ashstar, leader of WindClan, and I'm all alone." Her fluffy gray tail wrapped itself around her paws and her eyes closed. "But I need to be strong, and I can bear it. I've lived this long; I have six more lifetimes left. I must hope that the pain will fade eventually." She blinked suddenly, what she had been saying catching up to her. "I'm sorry to unload all my problems on you, Mottleheart," Ashstar apologized, slightly embarrassed that she had gotten so carried away in a simple discussion.

Mottleheart's ears flickered back in concern the moment Ashstar noted that things had not been good for her. He opened his mouth, ready to give her comfort but the words died as the leader started to ramble on. His heart sank but his ears perked, wanting to hear every word in an effort to help. His eyes studied the she-cat, trying to gathering up what to say even as she met his eyes but nothing came to him. He just sat there in silence until she suddenly apologized and he gave her a shake of his head. "Its quite alright Ashstar, I don't mind," he said, taking in a deep breath. There was silence for a few moments as he shifted on his paws before he found the will to speak. "I only know stories of Icestorm but I am sure he was a brave warrior..." He grimaced, trying to find the right words. Emotions...Had never been his strong suit but he couldn't just stand by while Ashstar poured out her heart to him. "I am honored that I remind you so much of him and while I will always be by your side as a loyal warrior..." His words faltered, his ears sleeking back as his gaze fell to his paws. "I don't know if I can be that warrior you think I am. I...I can't fight, Ashstar," he admitted, terror flashing in his eyes as he recalled the fight at Fourtrees. "The idea of fighting the other Clans...Other cats...I can't stand the thought of it, I can't stand it. When Brindlewhisker, Rockpaw and myself were attacked by that rogue sunrises ago...I...I don't know what happened," he whispered, his voice dying as he attempted to focus on the memories, to gather a clear picture of what had happened. "I...I froze, I panicked. I...I was stuck in the memories of a young kit witnessing RiverClan descending on his Clan and I did nothing other then beg for it to stop. I am no warrior, Ashstar...I don't know what I am."

As Mottleheart spoke, Ashstar moved in to comfort him, wrapping her fluffy gray tail around his patterned body. His concerns were legitimate, and she could feel his pain. She knew that this had been a problem for him ever since kithood, and just like grief, problems like that never truly went away. She knew that from experience. The leader's spring green eyes looked deeply into her most trusted warrior's brown ones. "Listen to me, Mottleheart. This isn't RiverClan or ThunderClan, where they only value brute strength. Your worth in this Clan isn't measured by your fighting skill, or whether you choose to fight at all. That is your choice and yours alone. There are just as many other ways to help your Clan. In WindClan, your value is placed in your heart- your loyalty and love for your Clan and Clanmates. And those, I know you have." The she-cat pressed her nose to the tom's. "You are a loyal warrior of WindClan, Mottleheart. That us all you ever need to be."

Mottleheart tensed in surprise as Ashstar wrapped her tail around him, a comfort he had not felt in so very long. He allowed his body to relax as she started to speak, letting his weight sink into her for support as he closed his eyes, allowing her words to wash over him. If there was one thing he respected the most of Ashstar was that she had taken the time to be like a mother to him - she had seen how lost he had been after the fight with RiverClan and had worked hard to bring him out of that broken shell...But it seemed that he had not escaped that broken kit that feared the name RiverClan. He allowed himself to take a deep breath as he took in her words, opening up his eyes when he felt her nose press against his own. After a few moments, he gave her a weak, but true smile. "I...Thank you Ashstar," he whispered but there was no denying that there was still doubt within him.

If there was one thing he respect the WindClan deputy for was how willing he was to throw himself into fighting to protect his Clan, not caring what the other Clans thought of him and while Mottleheart greatly disliked the idea of violence lest it cause more trouble then needed...He had to admit he was jealous of Smokepelt. Mottleheart knew he wouldn't be a good deputy like Smokepelt, he would be far to terrified to do anything, like how he had panicked in the fight. But...There was truth to Ashstar's words. Strength wasn't everything. His smile strengthen as he blinked away his doubts. "I will be a loyal warrior, that I know I can be. I will always be there for you and WindClan," he purred before frowning every so slightly. She had comforted him...It was time for him to comfort her. "Ashstar...Know that you are never alone as leader. You have me, Smokepelt, Brindlewhisker, Raccoonfang, Jayfall...So many cats behind and with you. We all want the same thing, to see WindClan be the best Clan that it can be. We accept your judgement but know that you never have to make them alone."