Falling Apart (Closed)

Mottleheart had messed up - there was no doubt about it. He had barely been a warrior long but still he was faced with a burden he hadn't pictured he would face so soon...His attraction to Duskcloud had been something he himself hadn't expected but she was a beautiful she-cat - he couldn't help but admit that. But it had just been a simple thing and he found that attraction faded fast but it had been to late. His ears flickered back as he stared at his paw, sitting outside of the warrior den in silence. He was a father. When the black queen had announced to him that she was expecting, it was both something they didn't wish for as they had already drifted apart. It had been agreed that Mottleheart wouldn't be named the father but when the two kits were born - one looking like himself and the other Duskcloud, he knew there was no hiding it and had come clean. He still wasn't sure how most of his Clanmates felt about it and felt the burden weighing heavy on him. But when he announced himself the father of the kits, he had made a vow to be the best of father he could to the two kits - even if he and Duskcloud would never truly speak to one another again.

To say that she was surprised whenever Mottleheart declared himself father of the newest kits in Windclan was an understatement- Brindlewhisker had been completely blindsided by the confession. Ever since they became warriors the distance between them seemed to grow and grow, and although she had initially been okay with the newfound development in their friendship, but deep down she had to admit she felt incredibly hurt- Mottleheart was her closest friend and their relationship was founded on the principle that they could always confide in one another. So why did he never speak a word to her about everything that had happened with Duskcloud? She had been one of the last cats to find out in fact- it seemed that every cat in the Clan knew before her.

She quickly padded towards Mottleheart, her breath billowing in the cold air as she approached her the brown and white warrior, barely making a sound during her rather nervous approach. Quickly settling down beside the tom, she let the heavy silence gape between them for several heartbeats as she worked on the best way to strike up a conversation between them. Scuffing her paws in the cold, dry dirt briefly, she felt a pang of resentment fill her- she had never thought it would be hard to talk to her friend.
"So..kits? I never anticipated you of all cats starting so young." Brindlewhisker finally spoke joking halfheartedly as she glanced over at Mottleheart with curious eyes

Mottleheart ears perked at the sound of paw steps, his gaze shifted up to see Brindlewhisker patting over to him. For a second, his heart soared - it had been so long since they had talked. But when she settled down next to him and silenced filled the air, his heart sank. Out of the two, Brindlewhisker had always been talkative and yet here she was with little words to say - until she finally spoke.

He flinched at her words even if she was trying to make it light-hearted. He was sure she must of been hurt - he had never told her about his relationship with Duskcloud - not even when the she-cat had announced to him that she was expecting his kits. He had wanted to forget about it and act like it never happened but...That wasn't happening. "I..." he started, his gaze falling back to his paws as he shuffled them on the snow. "I wasn't expecting to be a father either," he finally admitted with a soft shrug, left unsure what else to say.

Brindlewhisker twitched her ear at Mottleheart's unsure words, observing him with intent eyes- was that all he had to say about this situation? But perhaps that's all that should be said. If she was given the chance to mull over the details of everything that had transpired between Mottleheart and Duskcloud would probably just add to her frustration about the situation. Flicking her tail, she let out a nearly inaudible sigh; he wasn't giving her much to go off of. "Since when has he ever been the conversationalist though?" She reflected, feeling slightly nostalgic as she recalled the first time they had truly spoken to one another.

"Unfortunately I don't think any cat really plans to have kits. You'll just need to move on from moping over that bit." Brindlewhisker mewed firmly, glancing at Mottleheart once more. Although her words were now brisk, she still felt the gnawing, pinching sensation of her grief over it all. She had always figured that she would end up with Mottleheart sometime in the future but now? Now they could hardly even keep a conversation going between them; it was clear that some sort of invisible rift had opened up between the two and seemed to be steadily widening. "I know that his kits aren't exactly helping in this situation, but it's not their fault." Brindlewhisker reflected with a pang of guilt- she had avoided his spawn since the moment it became apparent he was related. "Have you named them yet?" She questioned, promptly making sure to leave out any mention of Duskcloud.

Mottleheart blinked in shock at her firm, brisk words. What was that about? His ears fell flat as he frowned sharply. Moping? Was he moping? He had simply stated the truth - his relationship with Duskcloud had been a foolish quick thing and when he had broken it off with her on good terms, they both weren't expecting for her to be expecting kits from it. It tone hurt him but he tried not to show it. "Raccoonkit and Ravenkit," he finally said in response to her question, his gaze shifting away from her. "Raccoonkit after the leader Raccoonstar and Ravenkit for her black fur." There was a few moments of silence as he tried to think of something else to say, his gaze searching the horizon for his words before he finally spoke up more.

"Even...Even if I wasn't planning to be a father, I'm going to try to be the best one I can to the two of them..." There was a faint tone of sadness in his voice, even a slight hint of fear. He had never had parents of his own - his father had disowned him at birth in blame of his mother's death. The closest thing he had to a mother was Ashstar. He wasn't sure how to act like a proper father and it scared him. He was also so scared that this rash actions that had ended in the two births would harm his relations...

His gaze flickered to Brindlewhisker. Ever since he was young he had be fond of the she-cat, the way she filled the silence that he so often left, how close the two seemed to be and how he felt happier just when she was around. When he was an apprentice he had never had a name of that feeling but after what had happened with Duskcloud he now did - love. But it wasn't the same the one he had for Duskcloud - for him and Duskcloud it had been a simple attraction between the two of them that had fizzled out. For Brindlewhisker, he knew the feelings he had for her was much stronger but...He feared now that she didn't feel the same way after what had happened between him and the black queen. He was now even unsure if he would be ready for another relationship as he now had to care for two kits. Sure, Duskcloud was there to help but he had a feeling that once the kits were apprentices - she would care little for them.

Brindlewhisker felt Mottleheart's eyes on her and it made her skin burn and her throat tighten, and she quickly dropped her gaze to her paws- which had resumed their nervous shuffling. "Ravenkit and Raccoonkit? Those are nice names," She reflected, a twinge of guilt overtaking her at at the usual pang of resentment that echoed within her at the mention of Mottleheart's kits, "I'll eventually have to come meet them or else it'll just make everything between us worse." she decided with a twitch of her tail. "I think you'll be a wonderful father. The rest of the Clan thinks so as well." She spoke once more, glad to finally speak a truth; it seemed like something was always hidden between them now. The words were genuine- despite how little Mottleheart always said, it had been obvious from the moment they had met that he would be a good father.

The question that had long been burning within her mind now lay upon her tongue- it was something that she had always wondered about, and it's nagging sensation often kept her awake late into the night. Now that the oppurtinity had finally arrived and she was presented with a chance to learn the answer, did she really even want to know? "Why Duskcloud of all cats?" Brindlewhisker abruptly question, the words flying from her mouth before she even had a chance to process the fact that she had actually said them, "I mean I know why- every tom in the Clan with eyes has always looked at her-" She quickly added, ears flattening with embarrassment at the words that seemed to be flying uncontrollably from her mouth, "But don't you want something real? To be with a cat you truly care for?" She mewed the last part softly, her ears heating slightly as she stared down at her paws. "The only cat that Starclan forsaken she-cat could care about is herself." She added silently, voicing her resentment and jealousy internally.

Mottleheart smiled softly at her words, happy that she thought so. He felt a pain of regret - a regret that he had betrayed her but there was hope that she wasn't angry...He only had those hopes for a few seconds before she suddenly spoke up again, questioning why he had picked Duskcloud. He jolted at the harshness of the words, staring at Brindlewhisker with wide eyes. There was such a venom behind them that he had not expected, a hurt expression flashing across his face but in a few seconds, it flashed to almost one of anger.

Could Brindlewhisker see that he was done with Duskcloud - the two of them had plans to barely talk again unless it was for their kits sake. His ears fell flat as he his fur bristled. "Of course I do!" he growled back. "Duskcloud was a mistake! I-I thought there was love between us but I was wrong, it was only an attraction that faded quickly..." his voice drifted off, a hurt expression returning to his face. "Of course I want something real - I ended it with Duskcloud the moment I realized it was all false. We both never thought kits would come of our engagement until it was to late. What I had with Duskcloud wasn't real, and it wasn't love. I know that much."

He tried to plead with her but there was a change in his stance. He had twisted his body and leaned slightly forward, planting his paws firmly in the snow. His ears were flat, eyes hard as his fur bristled along his back. He had gotten defensive - he had said more words then he was expecting but he was ready to spout more to justify and defend himself from Brindlewhisker if she wanted to judge his personal life even more. Why was Brindlewhisker acting like this? They were friends - nothing more. Even if he wished for something...He wanted to shake his head - she was acting almost as bad as Rockpaw had did during his first gathering. What was with these cats?

Brindlewhisker recoiled as if Mottleheart took a swipe at her face- the sudden anger in his voice and eyes catching her very off guard. What had she said that made him angry? After a few moments of the momentary shock, her eyes narrowed to slits, reflecting none of the previous emotional turmoil that had been taking place within her merely seconds ago. "You wouldn't know what love is even if it struck you in the face as hard as it could." She thought bitterly, swinging her head away from Mottleheart to stare at the empty camp, tail tip twitching as her entire body tensed.

"Fine. I understand now." Were the only words that she allowed herself to say at the moment, her voice frosty with anger and hurt. Brindlewhisker allowed her tail to curl around her feet to hide the way her claws now flexed- what had she expected to hear? Why had she hung onto the illusion that something could ever exist between them when they could hardly hold a conversation without tearing at each other's throats. The words he had spoken effectively dashed any remaining hope within her, and she could feel her throat closing in once more, rendering her unable to speak anything more for a few heartbeats. Sheathing her claws, she continued to glare in the opposite direction, wounded by Mottleheart's tone. "There's no need to become so defensive over a question." She grunted, fur prickling slightly.

A flash of shock flared over Mottleheart's face as Brindlewhisker seemed to shut down. He would have been happy to leave it there but it was her final words that caused him to blink. D-Defensive? He was getting defensive? How else was he to act when she questioned something like that when she did! He wanted her to understand but her words...She doubted she saw it the same way he did. His ears fell flat as he studied her face, her body. She didn't want to seem to want anything to do with him. What had he done wrong? So many emotions started to swell up in him as he tried to sort them all out.

He was angry that she dared to question what he saw in Duskcloud when it was clear he wanted nothing else to do with that she-cat. He was shocked at how angry she seemed to be and he couldn't understand why. He was confused on why she seemed so...Angry and distance but most of all - he was scared. He was scared that he was going to lose one of his best friends and he wasn't sure what to even say to that. What could he say? His ears fell flat as his stance fell from his defensive one as he stared at her with sad eyes. But then, despite his attempts, the anger started to rise.

"Don't you end it with that!" he hissed softly, his voice cracking despite his best efforts to keep it solid. He stepped in front of her, trying to meet her gaze even if she didn't want to look at him. "I-I don't understand what this is all about! Why is my relationship with Duskcloud such a problem with you? We are friends, Brindlewhisker!" his voice cracked once more, perhaps a hint that he had wishes to change that but he felt it was to late for any hopes of that now. "Why does Duskcloud have to come between that?"

"Duskcloud started coming between us the moment you began to place her above me! I was your friend and she- she was just some stupid fling- a stupid, stupid fling! You claim she was a mistake, but yet she was more important than me." Brindlewhisker rounded to meet Mottleheart, eyes wide with disbelief at his words. Her tail lashed at her own words, all the frustration, hurt, and envy finally allowed to escape their stifling confines within her mind. It felt good to finally be able to express how she really felt about it all. She stamped her foot as she tried to gather hold of the thoughts and emotions that were clashing within her- she had always wanted to say this to him, so why did it hurt so much?

"And now you have kits. Kits, Mottleheart." She finally whispered, staring up at him with sorrow reflecting in her eyes. "How can we expect to continue along as if nothing has changed? So much has changed in our lives that I feel like an outsider looking in. You have cats who depend on you now- they need you to take care of them and love them." She mewed quietly, shuffling her paws nervously. "And I don't think I have a place in your life any more." She uttered the last part with a touch of bitterness; yes she could have a place in Mottleheart's life, but being so close to him would constantly be a reminder that she had allowed such a distance to grow between them.

Mottleheart had nothing to say. His ears were slicked back on his head as she stared at her at disbelief. He had never meant...H-He didn't realize his actions would have...He couldn't thing of anything to say. "No, I...I didn't mean! I never meant..." But then his eyes grew hard as his fur started to stand on edge. "Why is it always my fault? Why does everybody leave me and blame me!" Words that he had never heard but knew was spoken rang in his attention. She was going to blame this all on him and leave just like his father? He had thought her better then that. But she had stuck an unseen nerve that he had worked so hard to never reveal and now angry tears threaten to spill from his eyes as he growled at her. "If you really want to have no part in my life - then fine! I don't need you! I thought we could work though it but if you don't think we have a chance, then it shall be that way." For a second, the hard glare in his eyes soften as his voice broke. "I really thought...Perhaps there was something..." He shook his head, unable to finish as he turned and started to pad away slowly. If there was any final words, he would let her speak it but if she truly felt they were done - they so be it. But as he moved away his whole body shook as tears spilled from his eyes, afraid to let Brindlewhisker see how much her words had hurt him. He had never meant for this - he didn't want to be at blame again. Not again...