let the storm rage on (closed)

A flood of emotions rushed through Kitespring, wrecking everything it came across. She had felt... empty in the short time after RiverClan came back from war, but now she couldn't describe all of the emotions flowing through her. It was like the river, in a sense - the rapids were too fast to locate a single emotion, and the waters were too fast for her to notice anything besides the entirety. Taking deep breaths, Kitespring tried slowing down her thoughts, trying her best to separate them from each other.

Distraught was the first emotion she identified - a cascade of distraught rushed her brain the second RiverClan came back from the war against SkyClan, and it never really disappeared. What happened to Poppyshine and the others - especially their broken spirits - horrified Kitespring, and it was the worst thing that could have happened to them besides death (and even then, they could find peace in StarClan. Here, they were stuck).

Anger was next, a wildfire burning through everything and Kitespring's soul. Anger at SkyClan for inflicting such horrifying scars on her clanmates, battering their pelts and scarring their hearts; and anger at herself, for not being there with them and helping them make it through. Even though she knew she wouldn't have made things better - she would have just been as scarred as they were - she knew they saw things that she would never be able to see, and she wished she could have helped them on what must have been a horrible journey.

Determination was the last emotion she noticed, hidden behind all the others. She had something inside her to give to her clanmates, and she had experiences which allowed her to empathize with them. The determination to help her clanmates, to help them in any way she can, to make life a little more bearable and hopefully help them recover. She didn't know if it would work, but stars, she was certainly going to try.

Poppyshine was the first cat she wanted to talk to, but the calico she-cat had just left for a hunting patrol, so she probably wouldn't be back for a while. Tonight, she thought. I need to talk with her tonight. But she also felt guilty choosing to help Poppyshine first, too, especially since Littlesplash and Cindersky and Perchstar also needed help. It wasn't fair to them either.

You can't just help nobody, mouse-brain, she scolded herself. Helping one cat's better than helping no cats. Work your way through-

Noticing Perchstar far away from Kitespring, Kitespring padded towards her. Back when Kitespring saw Perchstar jump up onto the Willow Branch, she noticed that she had been... forcing herself onto the branch. Perhaps it was because of her injuries from the war, but... her face seemed wrong, somehow, like her neutral expression wasn't real anymore. And Kitespring couldn't blame her, for hiding her emotions or for trying to show RiverClan nothing was wrong. It was the definition of caring.

"Hey, Perchstar," she said, smiling softly at her. Stars, she was taller than Kitespring expected. She's a cat, just like you. Stay calm. "Can I... um... talk with you... in the leader's den about something?" She felt Perchstar wouldn't want her to talk about her emotions in the middle of camp, so Kitespring wanted to help after. They never really interacted, and she could have been completely wrong about Perchstar's tells back when she jumped up to the Willow Branch, so it could go really poorly. She didn't think it would ever be 'exile' or 'execution', but the thought was always at the back of her mind, the Dark Forest warrior sitting on her shoulder telling her that's exactly what Perchstar would do. She knew better than to trust it, though. Perchstar was a good cat, and she was a good cat who needed help.

And Kitespring was going to help her as best as she could.

Perchstar was tired. Tired of grief, tired of rage, tired of exhaustion... tired of being tired. She wished, as ever, that she could simply turn off whatever part of her felt emotion so that she could better stumble through every duty that remained until she finally wore herself to shreds. The pain she could keep; that she deserved. But asking for her to continually bear these sorrows on her shoulders until she collapsed was beginning to be too much, even for her.

Mottlestar, why did you die for me? I never asked you to die for me.

She had been staring emptily at a half-eaten fish, willing herself to finish it--the more she ate, the more energy she would have, the longer she could stay awake and complete her responsibilities. That being the issue; she was having difficulty wanting to do her duties. Difficulty wanting to stay awake. It would be so much easier to close her eyes and simply never be forced to open them again. But she was not allowed rest... not that kind of rest. Not when she knew that her pain would not end, but simply be passed onto others. Poppyshine should never have had to bear any of it. So she would continue to perform her duties until she was rendered permanently unable.

Speaking of her responsibilities, one of them suddenly approached her now. Perchstar blinked and turned to the side, regarding the Clanmate who had arrived to speak with her. It was... Kitespring? The she-cat was normally quiet and preferred solitude, especially after her many losses in the past. A friend of Poppyshine's; had Perchstar spoken with her one on one, like this, before? She could not remember. She blinked, ice-blue eyes regarding the smile on Kitespring's face. A rare sight in RiverClan camp these days. Talk about something? Well, anything other than sitting here and allowing her thoughts to catch up with her sounded fine. Perchstar nodded. "Certainly."

As they walked, she tried to clear her mind so that she could think like a leader again. What could Kitespring want to talk about? Asking that one of the kits in the nursery be her apprentice, maybe? Or did she have some other idea for the Clan, or perhaps an issue with the leadership? Maybe she wanted Poppyshine to be the leader. That thought had come out of nowhere; Perchstar dismissed it. And yet if Kitespring wanted a normal conversation with small talk about the weather, they would not be retreating to the leaders' den. Whatever this could possibly be about eluded her, so she would just have to wait and be told. When they arrived, Perchstar sat by the side of the den, allowing Kitespring to sit wherever she wished. Her keepsakes--the stone, the feather--were tucked neatly under her nest out of sight. "What did you wish to discuss?" Her voice and face remained perfectly neutral, at least she hoped they did. The last thing she wanted was to worry anyone by causing a scene of some kind.

As Perchstar agreed to talk in the leader's den, the russet she-cat felt her heart pounding out of her chest. Stars, she hoped that Perchstar wouldn't be mad at her for asking a question like this out of the blue, especially since they never really interacted that much with each other. "I just... um, wanted to ask something."

Perchstar wouldn't tell her anything, most likely. She'd keep her face composed, as she usually did, as she was doing right now. Kitespring didn't know how much of that was a mask anymore, and she didn't know how much she could help. And stars, Kitespring didn't want to be on her leader's bad side.

"I... I saw you on the Willow Branch, back when everyone came back from t-the war with S-SkyClan," she started. "I've- I saw your face then, and... well..." She didn't want to say it. Terror bubbled within her, popping up in small bits and pieces wherever it went. What if she was wrong? Or worse, if she was right, and Perchstar freaked out from it?

She couldn't do it.

"It's n-" she started again, her mouth stopping itself before she could finish with the word nothing and bolt like the coward that she was. She didn't want to abandon Perchstar, especially since Perchstar was pushing her spirit to lead the clan. If she was right, and Perchstar needed help, she needed to at least try helping out. "I- um-"

Focus, Kitespring! For stars' sake, just say something!

"It- your face- I- it reminded me of... let me tell you a story." That was better. She needed to give context anyways, and she was more comfortable with telling a story. "When the River was polluted, and before we left for the Lake, I... I pushed myself a lot harder than I should have. It started by me not eating one sunrise and catching two pieces of prey for the fresh-kill, and... it snowballed. I ate a fraction of what I should have, since I wanted to save the fresh-kill for my clanmates and because I felt that I could hunt without eating much fresh-kill. Of course, my hunting skills deteriorated from a lack of eating, but I still didn't take more from the fresh-kill pile, since I knew how the rest of the clan was barely getting by as is. What if a piece of fresh-kill that I took led to one of my clanmates' deaths? I couldn't eat too much." Was that a bad thing to tell her leader about? Would she be reprimanded for doing that? It's important for her to know. If it helps her, and you get scolded, that's fine.

"Those days... were probably the worst moons of my life - even after I lost my Adi, my brothers, my sisters, everyone I grew up with besides Poppyshine. I was... not well, even if I was trying my hardest to appear that way. And if RiverClan had arrived at the lake a few sunrises later than they did, I... I think I would have seen it from the stars instead of alongside my clanmates." The sickness alongside the frailty of her own body would have killed her given enough time, though she did have to rest more due to her sickness.

"I guess my point was, um, I saw that same look in your eyes when you took the Willow Branch after coming back from the war. Determination, but not the good kind. The kind that devours you, that bites off a piece of your soul for an endless pursuit of a goal." It was ironic that her determination led her down that destructive spiral that almost killed her, yet that same determination fueled her to sit with Perchstar instead of bolting away at the first moment. "And even if your goal is noble like helping RiverClan recover from the war, it doesn't mean that it's worth biting your soul off for, and it can hurt you in ways you can't even see." The worries about her being wrong crept back up in her mind, so the russet she-cat added quickly: "And if I'm wrong about what I saw... please tell me. I'm here to listen."

It seemed that Perchstar had been leader for too long--or maybe, not long enough. Either way, her neutral act and stone face no longer seemed to be fooling anyone, even the most distant of Clanmates. Kitespring had lurked in the background for as long as the leader had known her. After the early losses of Darkglow, Flywhisker and Rushtalon, and the subsequently earthshattering loss of Dovesight, the warrior had retreated into herself. Perhaps that hadn't been the case all of the time, but... as much as Perchstar knew she ought to have, she did not have a strong relationship with every single one of her warriors. A leader was supposed to be a far-off and nebulous figure who offered support and strength without intruding. A leader was best if cats barely knew she existed. But it appeared she'd been noticed once again, despite her best efforts. She had been seen.

Kitespring had good intentions; that much was clear. As the soft-natured she-cat stuttered her way through an anecdote about her own troubles, Perchstar did not find it difficult to read between the lines. Loss... a pain the both of them knew all too well. And yet, in Kitespring's case, it had not come with the pressure of leading the Clan nor the responsibility for the lives lost. None of the many deaths Kitespring had experienced had been her fault. Conflicting emotions warred deep within Perchstar's gut as she sat in her own den: part guilt for her agony being so noticeable that a cat so far from her could notice it despite her best efforts; part ugly bitterness for being preached to about her own grief; part appreciation that Kitespring had thought to approach and offer sympathy or care. That last part was the smallest, and tinged with its own cynicism, though it ought to have been her first reaction if she was a good cat. Despite all these, her face remained ice-still, like a smooth surface of stone. If only she could truly be stone. Then this would not be so difficult.

Could she truly reward Kitespring's well-meaning kindness with a cold front? She had no obligation to the she-cat other than that of a leader. But her awful center kept trying to curb the unhappiness and find some kind of calm response. A response that would be graceful, but not allow for the opening up of her own pain. It was... hard to find. She almost wished she'd turned the warrior away, instead.

"I guess that hiding my emotions is yet another thing at which I failed," Perchstar murmured, allowing cold calmness to steal the harsh edge that would otherwise have crept into her voice. "You are... not wrong. But trust me, it is a lesson I have learned already. Early into my leadership... one of the lives I lost was to my own weakness. I had not been taking care of myself, and my body shut down on me. It is not a mistake that I intend to repeat." The subdued agony on Poppyshine's face and the worried panic from Stormdance had solidified that decision. As easy as it was to neglect herself... she could not, not beyond a certain extent. That was a foolish way to lose lives she could give instead to service. "I am not overworking myself. I am working... slightly more than usual. But it is a trade-off. If I sit still, then it feels worse, so I might as well use my time effectively." She shouldn't have had to explain herself. This was as much as she was willing to share, though; going deeper into the pain she felt and how much she had lost in the battle did not seem wise nor necessary. Instead, she sat still and flicked her torn ear once. She wished to end this conversation, but in a polite way, so... that made it Kitespring's prerogative to respond.