Tawnyshadow's Elder Ceremony

The day had come, sooner than she would have liked, and her paws seemed to be moving to fast as she joined the rest of her beloved Clan, marching to the end, the moment that marked the end of her prime, all that she had worked for, turning to ashes before her eyes. And it was all by her own doing. Her choices had led her up to this moment; her fault, all her fault. The words rang like taunts in her head, etching itself in her walls as if determined to make sure that she never forgot the mistakes that marked her youth. It seemed like just yesterday that she took the first steps on this new journey, and all too soon, it was gone, stolen from her without even a warning, no chance given to say goodbye. So many things she wished to say, now dead in her heart as she faced Leopardstar. It was over. Heatherberry's words had marked it. She still remembered the one moment when her world stopped, when it all came to a screeching halt.

Stubborn. Reckless. And as foolish as it was, she'd do it all over again. If it meant her retirement, if it meant never having the chance to be a mentor again, or a mother, never be able to hunt with her clanmates or help out when she could. Never have the chance to make up for her mistakes. The thought of it brought a sob to the she-cat's throat. Useless. Emotional. She had prepared herself for days, knowing that it'd be hard, of course it'd be hard, but for the love of StarClan it was just walking, she had kept her tears in for so long why couldn't she just keep it in a bit longer?! She could cry all she wanted in the elder's den, who was going to know? Who was going to care when she rotted away, accompanied only be the cobwebs and shadows in her nest? Her kits, who she had all failed, and now walked happily in the stars with Moondancer and Sagestone. Sagestone. Oh, Sagestone, how she missed him. She had curled up with him as kits, fell asleep in his warmth, kept him close when she had no one else, not her late parents, not the other apprentices, him, it was always him. And she failed him too. Where was his grave now? It had fallen into ruin while she was away; the blasted shoulder kept her away from bringing offerings to the sites where all her loved ones were buried. Or just the ones whose bodies had been found. Dawnbright, Creekpaw, Skunkpaw, where were they? Dawnbright would have liked red flowers, she knew, and it pained her that when her daughter had still been alive she had not given enough. Had she ever told any of her kits how much she loved them? How much they truly meant? No, of course not. She could cry it out for the entire forest to hear now but she was too late.

And her time had ended. StarClan had given her enough chances, and she had ran out of them. Tawnyshadow took her position, trying not to show the limp that was the cause of her early retirement. She was pitiful enough as she was, why make it even worse? Was her own contempt not enough? She didn't need the scorn of her clanmates, though she could feel it fester in the gazes of her clanmates, burning into her pelt and wearing it away. Stars, just get this over with.

One comfort in the storm was her mate who remained by her side, caring for her even when she had been reduced to nothing but a half-pretty coat of fur. Tawnyshadow let herself lean into Sunflare, latching onto his scent and using that to ground herself. She'd be fine. She had to be, even when- even when she was-

Her name was called. She stepped forward, moving on legs that no longer seemed willing to support her. Her tail laid limply on the ground, devoid of the vigour that once claimed her very being. And despite all that, her head was held high, just as it always was. The ceremonial words were repeated, and all too soon it was her turn to speak. To seal her fate. Tawnyshadow found the words stuck in her throat, perhaps for the first time in a ceremony. This really was it, wasn't it? "It is," She managed to choke out at last, then waited for the final lines of the ceremony to be said. It was all over now. Everything she worked so hard for- gone. Just when she found her purpose it was taken from her. The she-cat closed her eyes and took in a shaky breath.

It was over. Tawnyshadow let herself lean on Sunflare, who was as supportive as ever. That's right, he still loved her. She still had him, even if there was no one else. She nuzzled his neck, finding comfort in his warmth and letting him guide her away from the crowds. All she wanted to do now was to curl up and sleep her nightmares away.