But I Still Have So Much More To Live For[C]

The days seemed to pass in a blur, but her mind was still trapped in the horrible moment in the medicine cat den, where her future had been delivered to her without so much as a warning. An elder. The thought had made her cry in silence until her throat was dry. Of course she respected elders; they had served the Clans for ages, and deserved the care and rest that came after. But that was the thing-- they deserved it all because they had already done their part for the Clan. She was still young, much younger than other warriors like Swiftheart and Pineblossom. Even Poppycloud was older than her by a couple of moons. She should still be among her fellow warriors, hunting and fighting for her Clan and upholding the Warrior Code in everything that she did. Maybe if her shoulder wasn't getting in the way of everything, she'd even be mentoring one of Pineblossom's kits right now. Her first and only apprentice, Beetlechaser, had gone missing before they begun the journey, and now that they were back she could not even search for a sign of his presence. She was pratically crippled.

She knew she wasn't being fair to herself. If it were any other warrior in her place, she'd think that retirement would be the best option for them as well, and would have no hesitation in hunting and caring for them. It was simply how a Clan functioned. But she still had so much more to live for. She had thought once of having a second litter of kits, in hopes that she'd do a better job than her first litter, all of whom were dead. She still had to make up for her mistakes which had resulted in her son's blindness. There was so much she had to do, and now she couldn't even have a day to finish them all? It would have been better if she had died in that horrible fight with the fox instead.

In her trance of tears of grief, the warrior found herself seeking out an unlikely friend. Pineblossom, a warrior who she had always held in high regards, but would once never have let see her tears. Tawnyshadow limped towards the white-speckled she-cat, fighting back tears as she spoke in a soft voice that was so unlike her, "Could I talk to you for a moment?"

Tawnyshadow let her friend guide her, and sat down numbly in silence. "I-" her words were getting stuck in her throat, and she swallowed uncomfortably. She knew that Pineblossom would offer nothing but comfort after learning of her situation, and perhaps that was why she came to the dark-furred she-cat first. She wanted to be comforted and cared for. She wanted to be able to cry on someone's shoulder, even if just for a few heartbeats. "It's my shoulder," She finally admitted, unable to bring herself to look up at her friend, "Heatherberry took another look at it the other day, and-" The urge to cry made it hard to speak, and she had to take a few moments to calm herself down. "It's not getting better," her voice was soft, barely a whisper, and yet it was perhaps the hardest thing she ever had to admit. Harder than any apology, or insult, or even admiting to her faults. It was so much worse. This was the first time she had said it out loud. She's not getting better. It was impossible to continue, but somehow she managed to cough out a few more words. "Heatherberry told me that the best option for me was to retire, and Leopardstar's going to hold the ceremony for me in a few sunrises."

Tawnyshadow knew that Pineblossom's words were meant to comfort her, but it only left a bitter tang in her heart. "But I haven't," Her voice was soft and rough, full of raw hurt. "I haven't earned any sort of rest, not when I have yet to repay for all the harm that I've caused. If I had been a better mentor, a better clanmate-- a better mother, so many more cats would be alive right now. How can I accept even a moursel of food from anyone when I so clearly don't deserve it?" Her gaze snapped back to her friend's, a rising panic in her that she could no longer quell. "I'm not ready! I haven't made my peace yet, I can't be thrown away yet!"

Tawnyshadow leaned into her friend's embrace, taking in deep breaths as Pineblossom spoke. She wasn't getting thrown away? She hadn't killed her kits, hadn't caused her apprentice and friends to go missing or die? They were all words she had never heard of-- not in her dreams, not even in her kithood. They were foreign, and yet they seemed to have lifted a boulder off her shoulders. It wasn't her fault. Pineblossom was right; she still had a use in the Clan. She wasn't useless. Tears sprung to her eyes once more, and she didn't try to hold them in. Her tears stained the snow below her as her body shook like a reed in a storm. She hadn't caused any one to die. She didn't kill any of them. She repeated the words like a chant under her breath, as if to make up for all the times she failed to hear them. When she finally calmed down some, she whispered softly to her friend, "Thank you."

Tawnyshadow nodded ever so slightly to show that she understood her friend's words. Friend. The word, given to her, of all cats... it made her heart warm for the first time in a long, long time. "Sorry for crying so much in recent times," She whispered to her... friend. Her friend. Someone who cared for her. Someone to care for. It brought tears back to her eyes, but this time she didn't fight to keep them in. "Promise to check in on me once I've moved to the elder's den?" Tawnyshadow laughed softly through her tears.