fault in our stars [c]

The idea that Mottlestar had been able to get any rest since the gathering seemed like it was laughable at this point. Any modicum of sleep left her with nothing more than scraps and teases of what blissful slumber should have been, and in its wake she was left with the tumultuous roaring of her thoughts. It was almost as if she had become a Riverclan cat with how the tsunami of outcomes crashed, the torrential downpour of tears in its wake leaving her feeling as if she was simply a hollow husk of who she last was. In a way, she was. Covenants and rules that had become an integral part of her existence had been broken, and in a way that she hadn't even thought of.

It was stupid to think that she had escaped that evening without any repercussions. A naive thought, saved for that of a young apprentice. Not for a grown warrior, much less one who had just been given the mantle of a leader. So now, she found herself having to own up to her sins. In this instance, it took more than one cat to commit such an atrocity, one with permanent fallout that there was no going back from. Her heart had been given to those kits, even with the thought that they had come from a different father. She loved them all the same, but already, the idea that she had been unintentionally lying to them this entire time gripped at her chest with claws that not even she could resist.

Eventually, the thunderpath came into view, and it felt like her paws grew heavier with each step. Instead of giving her some sort of respite, the idea of relief, she only felt herself growing heavier. It was news that she didn't want to bring or bear, yet here she was. It was all she could do. What did she expect of this meeting? Perhaps a fight. Mottlestar truly didn't think for Shadowclan's leader to act so harshly, but it was a vulnerable moment. She couldn't put it out of the realm of possibility.

So there, the small tortoiseshell molly sat, awaiting the onyx-pelted tom.

Nightstar wasn't really one to follow odd requests, much less from cats of other clans. But perhaps he was here today because it was Mottlestar that was requesting his audience. Perhaps she was going to inquire about an alliance with Shadowclan? He supposed he wouldn't be against that, but Thunderclan wasn't as weak and needy as Windclan was... or still is, so he wouldn't be able to get away with as much, couldn't take advantage of them in a way that counted. But Thunderclan would be an ally that he wouldn't have to carry, he'd be able to expect them to come to his aid if he needed it.

The stench of the thunderpath wafted across his nose, and the tom as per usual straightened himself into a confident pose though it was dampened by his heavy limp and the fresh still bandaged marks across his inner legs. As long as it was him, it was no cat else. It wasn't long before Nightstar breached the foliage and was putting his paws on the path, waiting and feeling for a few heartbeats before launching himself across with urgency. It didn't take long for the Shadowclan leader to find Mottlestar, catching her scent and following it until the smaller mottled Thunderclan leader came into view. "Mottlestar. What do you need?" For the Shadowclan tom, this was kind, though any cat that didn't know him wouldn't be able to tell it, especially towards any outsider.

Mottlestar's tail stayed curled around her frame, the tip twitching in some sort of anticipation or release of anxieties that had settled deep into her fur. The words she would say ran through her head multitudes of times, never sounding truly quite right. Just how does one break this sort of news? It wasn't exactly one thing that she hoped. Part of her worried if Nightstar would call her insane, to mock her and strike her for attempting to spread such slander. But surely, surely there was a unspoken trust that developed between the two that they wouldn't simply disregard the word of the other so easily. They'd been through too much together. Nightstar alone had seen too much on his end of the forest, with Mottlestar feeling its effects.

With the onyx tom having arrived, she dipped her head in greeting. A fellow sign of respect, due for any leader who she would come across. Even if she was equal in status to him (quite literally, given they'd gotten their lives on the same night), there was still respect to be had for any cat that had been chosen to lead their respective Clans.

"Thank you for coming to meet with me, Nightstar. I come to bear news that is... far from what I would like to be sharing." One would easily assume that her tone sounded almost as if it was dipped in a grim sense of reflection, but it stayed almost painfully neutral. Perhaps it was a coping mechanism of her own that she had mimicked Nightstar's tonality, but her own bursts of emotion never fully stayed away. As her tail continued its twitching dances, the molly took a subtle deep breath. "I dislike wasting time, so I will simply get to the point. It is reason why I requested to meet without any warriors coming with."

With a flick of an ear, the tortoiseshell's tail left from around her paws. She didn't need the protective cocoon. "Our evening back from Highstones ended in more than just getting our lives. I had no idea, but soon after, I had another litter of kits. It wasn't until I lost my first life, a few sunrises before the gathering, that I learned of their origins. Starclan themselves scorned me about it, to tell me that... the litter was fathered by you." Her voice had strained at the mention of Starclan being the ones to tell her. It was her late son. But already, it sounded near-incredulous. "Murkyripple, Firefly, Thrushpaw, Rosepaw, and Turtlepaw are their names. So far, they've grown up with the full belief that Minnowfin is their father. They have no idea, only I have known until I have shared it with you. I felt the need to tell you first before telling them at all, should there be any feelings that you have." Somehow, she'd forced herself into a much more diplomatic trance than she had anticipated.

Some of them were already warriors. There was no way that Mottlestar had imagined Nightstar to suddenly wish to walk into Thunderclan camp, a smile on his maw and loudly claiming Come see your dad! That wasn't the type of cat that he was. That wasn't even the type of cat that Mottlestar was. Morningsun having finally revealed it to her had quelled a lot of her anxieties... and stirred up new ones. Murkyripple's demeanor now made much more sense, her theory that she had been a carbon-copy of Nightstar now taking on a whole new meaning. All of their tendencies to go for what they believed in, to dip their paws in danger. It wasn't just some lost sense of adventure that had been deep-down in Minnowfin or herself. But none of that was the purpose of this. Her chest felt like it was being crushed by the weight of a monster, two final sentences making its way out as Nightstar processed what she had said. "I do not expect you to make any moves to be their lives, or even claim them as your kin, but I still believe that you have the right to know. StarClan didn't tell me until after some had earned their warrior names."

Mottlestar was slow to start, to get to the point and it was quick to give Nightstar a sense of agitation and annoyance. He observed her building anxieties and brushed aside any curiosity or concern for it with relative ease, he was here for business, not for a quick catch-up since his time in Thunderclan. But the prickling feeling was quick to settle as the she-cat before him started to speak, that she was getting to her point, but it didn't feel quick enough when she brought up that night- a night that he thought was behind him after having to struggle with a guilty conscious and trying his best to showing Starclan that he'd do what he could to repent- and had he not done so? He'd gone hard on anti-outsider policies, had closed his borders completely, and showed that he was no one's friend or ally without sufficient returns. Now Mottlestar was before him, dredging up his mistakes that could easily be used against him; his jaw clenched and his gaze hardened as he regarded her with rising anger, but she pushed forth and he listened.

And in his anger, he almost didn't hear it, Starclan had told her that those kit's parentage was not what she thought and that they were his, and for a moment his anger grew evermore. His mistake, his moment of weakness while he drowned in uncertainty, anxiety, and grief now had faces, names, and lives. Murkyripple, Firefly, Thrushpaw, Rosepaw, and Turtlepaw. Mottlestar may not have known it, but some of those names were absolutely cruel, how many sisters and mothers did he have to lose? Was losing his mother twice not enough? He had to deal with Murky after Murky dying? Roseburn had disappeared or died, and now she shared a name with a Thunderclan pest? So often nowadays did Nightstar feel like he was suffocating, fur tickling the back of his throat, and that sensation prevailed now as he stared down at the Thunderclan leader with a mix of grief, horror, and anger.

Silence stretched between the two and Nightstar silently choked on his words. The fur along his spine raised as he just stared... he didn't know what to feel. His mistake now existed in a physical form, as proof of what he had done, and now Mottlestar threatened to expose it. He was the leader, his word was law, and he followed the warrior code, and no matter how he had been feeling and experiencing as a brand new leader left him with no excuses to explain away his actions.

His actions gave birth to two five kittens that were his. He never thought that he'd have kits, it never interested him, and the thought never crossed his mind. A part of him was saddened that he was not part of their lives, and couldn't put a name to a face. But perhaps that was for the best, he was so busy with his clan that he wouldn't be able to be a part of their lives even if they lived in the same clan. He couldn't let himself feel this way, he knew, because if he did then the chances of this mistake would be found out and he couldn't let that happen.

After an eternity, at a loss for words, Nightstars mouth opened and closed as he struggled for once to find the words. "Thank you. But Mottlestar- don't tell them. Don't tell them because if you do- I may just have to kill them. The forest- i-it can't know what we've done. We as leaders have codes to uphold, and what we did? We broke the code. What will our clans think? The other clans? They can't know- it'll open up Shadowclan and Thunderclan to an attack. Those kits? Those kits are a vulnerability now, a- a bargaining chip. To you, to me." Nightstar meowed.

"Shadowclan has a debt to Thunderclan, and as such, knowing that still, I am asking- no- demanding that you not tell those kits. Shadowclan will repay that debt by allowing you to keep those kits. I will not split their loyalties and your clan will remain five strong, forever loyal, and healthy- and they will remain as such as long as they stay blind to their heritage." His tone grew more resolute, "I will not have mercy should they cross my borders, or should we enter a war. But as long as you stay silent, I will not hunt them for the risks that they are." He repeated, making absolutely sure that their safety would be guaranteed with their ignorance. This was the only way he was convinced that Shadowclan and his position as clan leader would remain secure and safe.

"It saddens me that I don't know them, that I never got to know them, but now? Now it is the safest thing to do." for me went unsaid. Nightstar was never ambitious, and never strived for leadership, but since deputy-hood, he had done his best to secure the safety of his clanmates. It only got worse as he became leader, and got his lives, and now his desire to keep his clan safe had twisted itself into something ugly and cruel. Nightstar wouldn't let anyone drag him down if he could, even if he had to slaughter his innocent children. Shadowclan must be kept safe, by any means necessary, even if he had to burn every bridge outside of Shadowclan- even if it was with a cat he could actually tolerate. "I hope that you understand. That I do not speak lightly of this matter." He pleaded. It had to be done. For Shadowclan. No matter his personal wants and feelings on the subject.

For all that she had expected to come from the tom in response, it had taken almost all of her remaining lives to keep herself stilled before the scarred onyx tom. The father of a litter of her kits. His anger rippled off of him in waves that she certainly could have almost tasted, one only met not by fear but with a determination of her own. She was going to protect her kits, no matter what had happened. Still, she listened. She couldn't help her surprise that he regarded her word, not bothering with flinging claws her way or even the idea that she was a liar. At the very least, Mottlestar couldn't help but feel thankful for that.

The way that he regarded their existence... it both hurt, and relieved the leader further. He didn't want any claim to them. Truth be told, that was more than fine by her. They were the only ones that knew, and the Stars knew how many secrets they had to keep in their lives. As leaders, as friends, as confidents to those around them. It wouldn't be their first secret, and it wouldn't be their last one to keep. Even the night they'd spent together was a secret they had to hold down.

"I understand fully." Oddly enough, despite this being perhaps one of the better resolutions, her mouth had gone dry. Mottlestar dipped her head in gratitude, tortoiseshell ears gently folding back. "They will not be told, I promise my remaining lives on such. The only ones to know will be the Stars and ourselves. I don't expect you to treat them any different from another warrior of mine." She confirmed. It felt so wrong, in some ways. As a feline so focused on her family, as one who felt it was so important to have such bonds, to be practically forcing them to be severed. Rising her head back up, she sat once more on her paws.

"This will not go any farther than between us. I-Thank you, for coming to meet with me." She found herself slipping back into a diplomatic tone, shoving away all of the thoughts that happened to be swirling within her mind. Racing, in fact. "That was all the news that I had to share. I see no reason not to agree to what you have requested, and so I will honor that. I don't wish to hold you any longer, especially as we don't need any coincidental ears overhearing our conversation." Her ears had been put on a swivel, listening for any wayward warrior that might appear. That was the last thing they'd need. For some reason, she found herself wanting to leave the presence of the tom rather quickly. As if there was a temptation there that she knew she needed to avoid. Her natural desire to comfort, to protect, to soothe. It wasn't her job to comfort the tom, not in the slightest.

Rising to her paws, the smaller tortoiseshell gave one final dip of her head. "May the stars light your path, Nightstar, and I will see you at the next gathering."