We Can't Rewind, We've Gone Too Far [Closed]

There was a sense of celebration and relief throughout WindClan following the defeat of Asylum. It was as if a new life was given to the cats...But there was one cat who it seemed the light had been stolen from - Hayglow. She was curled up in her nest, a tight ball that was so unlike how she often sprawled to take up as much room as possible. Her wounds were slowly healing so there wasn't much she could do, other than wallow in her thoughts and memories. She had killed a cat - there was no denying it. For however bad that Lexine was, Hayglow couldn't bare the thought that she deserved it. Or...At least... Hayglow wished it hadn't been her. She had made vows to herself not to fight if she could help it, she had never wanted to injury another cat - the idea was sickening to her. Why would one cat cause such pain to another? And yet, she hadn't just hurt Lexine, she had killed her. Deep down, she knew it was 'okay.' It had been self-defense, one of the two were going to die but it didn't ease her burden in the slightest. She just...

She wasn't sure what to do with herself anymore, being so sicken by her own actions even if she had never meant them in the first place.

Admittedly, the brown and white tom had taken note to the manner in which his denmate seemed to sink further and further into her nest. He tried not to think too much into it, agitated by the way it distracted him from far more important tasks that needless worry. Fawnstep had thought little of Hayglow on his hunting patrol but as he went to briefly retire to the den, his teeth ground in frustration. Why was she still there? Curled so tightly without her sides rising in the normal manner of sleep? The fact that the thought even crossed his mind was enough to send him racing across the moor; the warrior was not much in the business of pandering to the needs or concerns of others. It caused him to turn from his intended path. However, he quickly stopped short with his claws sinking into the ground.

She'd saved him and protected him from an attacker, on top of previously fighting against Asylum cats. Fawnstep's tail flickered back and forth once or twice before he relented and began to pad towards the freshkill pile where he had just deposited a fair sized rabbit. Sinking his teeth into the velvet fur, the tom began his journey back. After a few more long strides he reached the side of the she-cat's nest. He dropped it before nudging her slightly, "You don't have to get up or anything but at least eat. You need your strength, Hayglow."

Hayglow hadn't noticed when Fawnstep had poked his head into the tallgrass only to retreat...In fact, she only moved when the rabbit landed next to her and she was poked. She blinked, raising her head in surprise at the...Kind move from the warrior, ears sheepishly laying back. "Oh...Uh, thank you, Fawnstep," she meowed. She hadn't quite realized how hungry she was - so lost in her own thoughts, time had slipped by and nobody seemed to want to disturb her. She was thankful to be left alone, but it still warmed her heart to see at least one of her Clanmates making sure she ate something. She reached a paw out, dragging the rabbit closer before she paused. Her mind drifted back to when she was first shown prey when she had arrived, how horrified she was at the idea of eating some alive. ...And how sickened she felt when she was told she was expected to hunt prey herself. She had gotten over it, but...

"How do you do it?" she questioned, her voice soft as she suddenly found herself looking up at Fawnstep. "I-I heard what you did to...To that Nightstriker. That you killed him rather...." she paled a little, recalling the stories that were told before more Asylum cats had arrived to drag Fawnstep away for his actions. "...How? I can't...I don't like the idea of hurting another cat. I never meant to...I had just reacted at Fourtrees and..." Her eyes fell back to the rabbit before her. "...Isn't that pathetic? We are warriors, aren't we? Yet I don't like fighting, I never wanted to and now I've..." Another pause. "...I'm sorry, I don't know why I am asking you this. I guess I am just...Curious?"

He was grateful for the fact that she pulled the rabbit closer, finding himself unsure of what he might say if she hadn't. But the lack of will to eat the creature was palpable. Fawnstep looked at her blankly, tipping his head in the faintest nod at her appreciation. The urge to continue about his business and find something to busy his paws with was overwhelming. Yet, Hayglow had more to say. It was a good thing his paws had hesitated for a second more than the gesture; it seemed she had more to say.

The warrior's ear flicked at the idea that she still thought of him killing the Nightstriker. In the moment, and even now, Fawnstep hardly pondered it. Stripping the other cat of life had simply been something that had to happen, needed to be done. Maybe it wasn't the strictest adherence to the warrior code but it had protected his patrol. After a moment, he found himself still stricken with a lack of the right thing to say. Fawnstep sighed but it was more out of disorientation than anything else, "I hardly thought about it, just needed to do what was right for the cats I wanted to protect. Probably similar in a way to how you reacted at fourtrees."

He paused but only briefly to find her gaze, "Warriors also aren't supposed to kill to win their battles, Hayglow. I like to think the intent behind your actions is what matters, no matter what that is. And you're a good cat. Don't worry about it too much."

Hayglow's ears slicked down as he spoke - that he had done what was needed to protect the cats. But...She had only reacted to save herself. It had been a selfish action, to protect herself and only herself in that heartbeat. She...She grimaced, raising a paw to scrub at her face - no, she was overreacting. She was trying to turn it negativity, she was trying to find a reason to be angry at herself. She looked up to meet Fawnstep's gaze as he went on about how they weren't suppose to kill to win their battles... Before a soft growl escaped her. "Di-Didn't you hear me? I don't even want to fight in the first place! I-I never want to hurt another living cat even if the battle doesn't end with..." she broke off, a few loose tears dripping down her face. "I promised I would give my life to protect WindClan when I became a warrior but I-I don't want to fight anymore. I don't know if can live up to what a warrior is suppose to do, I..." she shook her head, pawing at the ground. "...Maybe...Maybe I can find another place in the Clan but I never want to fight again if I can help it."