lost in the sound [closed]

Hard as he’d tried to push away the night at Sunningrocks, Snowflight knew it had gotten to him. Only a sunup ago, he’d almost snapped at Nightwolf, of all cats. All of him, inside and out, felt as raw as the tip of his freshly torn ear. Something had to give, or else he would. But who could he talk to? After how he’d blown up at Willowbreeze, he wouldn’t dare ask Addershade for help with what was, in essence, the same problem; though Nightwolf was older, Snowflight couldn’t for the life of him imagine his brother having any expertise with this; and Spiderquill was gone. Dead. That left one cat. A cat who made friends across borders and had loved Applefang enough that even Snowflight, a near-stranger, had known it. That was the kind of advice he needed now.

Stars, he hoped he could trust her. If Ivystar got wind of this, he’d be lucky to make it out of RiverClan with his tail still attached.

With a slow exhale meant to fortify him, Snowflight poked his head out of the warriors’ den. There she was, in the middle of camp. Whether she was busy, he had no idea, but he couldn’t afford to overthink it. Letting out another breath, he padded over, his tail’s swaying the sole remnant of his usual confident stride. “Hey, Streamtail.” His face wrinkled as he grappled with what, exactly, to ask. “You free for a walk? Just—by the river, before it freezes.” Memories of his stumbling gratitude toward Beecloud shoved themselves before his eyes, unbidden. Why was he so bad with words when it counted?

Streamtail huffed lightly as the cold air swept across her fur, flicking one ear with annoyance. “Why does it have to be this freezing?” As soon as that question left her maw, she heard a rather familiar voice calling her. Turning her head to track the cat who had called her, Streamtail instantly straightened herself upon seeing Snowflight. “Snowflight! Oh, of course!” Even though the blue-gray she-cat didn’t know the white cat particularly well, she still deemed him as family. Streamtail’s heart ached with a little guilt as she remembered that she wasn’t there for Snowflight after Applefang’s death.

“Oh.” Struck by the realization that his fate was more or less sealed, Snowflight took a stab at “energetic” and fell just short. His second attempt, however, went smoothly. “Perfect. I’ll lead the way?” Once he had his answer, he set off toward the camp’s exit at a pace better suited to walking across a bed of coals, only pausing to make sure Streamtail was following. The journey itself was quiet, though Snowflight was half-certain Streamtail could hear his thoughts from how noisily they were bouncing around inside his head, until the river’s babbling cut into the silence. He wandered onward a few more fox-lengths. To his dismay, every muddy patch of land looked the same as the next—all of them horribly unsuited to this conversation.

Stars, that sounded like an excuse even to him. Snowflight heaved himself into a sitting position and motioned toward his right side for Streamtail to follow suit. “So, uh,” he began, eyes on the water. “This isn’t really a walk. I had…something I wanted to ask you about.” Maybe a few things, depending on how this went. Hunching his shoulders, he hesitantly peered up at the blue-gray she-cat.

Streamtail started following Snowflight to StarClan-knows-where, before they finally stopped near the river. Turning towards Snowflight and sitting down by his right side, Streamtail watched him in concern as he peered up at her. "You can tell me anything. To be honest, I'd already guessed that you had something to talk about." If there was one thing the she-cat was good at, it would be reading other people's emotions. The way Snowflight sat right now told her everything she had to know. "So...what's wrong? Is it about...?" Applefang She added silently in her head, heart growing slightly heavy as she remembered her former mate. Maybe this was a bad idea. I still haven't...moved on quite yet.

He’d always been something of an open book. Still, the white warrior grimaced as Streamtail confirmed how obvious he was. “Right, yeah.” At least she seemed willing to listen. The only question was how—how to explain, how much he could gather without saying the truth. Turning toward the river again, he watched the fish flit by, a hair's length too far beneath the surface to scoop up. He had one last chance to back out. To jab a paw into the water and let this keep gnawing and gnawing until it split him apart. Snowflight exhaled sharply through his nose. “How’d you know you loved Applefang?” Out loud, it was even more kittish than it’d sounded in his head. “Sorry,” he said, steadier, “I know it’s… You don’t have to answer. I just—was wondering.” Applefang had been family to both of them. Snowflight could talk about him most days, but the wound’s edges hadn’t quite healed; assuming Streamtail felt similarly at best, he wanted to tread carefully. Well, carefully by his standards.

Streamtail smiled reassuringly, already taking the hint that Snowflight was very uncomfortable. What he asked next surprised her. Relaxing slightly as she remembered that they were family, Streamtail's eyes wandered off somewhere far away. "Well...if you love someone, you feel like you would do anything for them. I was in love with Applefang since I was an apprentice. He was so kind and silly and we would joke around about his clumsy long legs and my strange tail. When you love someone you never stop thinking about them, even when they're in StarClan..." Trailing off, emerald eyes shining with unshed tears, Streamtail blinked twice, forcing herself not to cry. "You love someone...don't you, Snowflight? Is that why you're asking me?"