Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Back [Closed]

On small and nimble paws, Freckleface padded into camp, the morning sun just beginning to glisten, catching light on small drops of dew scattered across the camp. The sky, while still dark, began to slowly morph into a display of fascinating bright hues of magenta and orange. It wasn't often that she got to see the sunrise, as she was usually tucked away with Flintstar by the time the sun came up. Ever since they'd... talked, she'd been happy to snuggle up to him during the day, and, admittedly, whenever they both had a chance. It was no longer cold, but just feeling his warmth next to her was euphoric. After what had happened during the battle, she'd made sure to cuddle up extra close, realizing just how precious life was. If he didn't have eight more, she would have lost him that night... And that was a thought that she just couldn't bear. So she took advantage of the time that they had together and made sure to appreciate those mornings they spent falling asleep next to each other.

Gently, she dropped a lizard and a sparrow on the fresh-kill pile. Birds had become rather easy for her to catch, with her rather small form lending easily to an effective catch. As long as she was careful, she seemed to almost always catch them. Padding towards the leader's den, she made note of the scene around her- there seemed to be a pink haze cast around her from the rising sun, which was interesting. There had been a light rain during the night, so a thin mist rose around her. She thought about staying up later into the day, to observe whatever other odd things happened... But shook off the thought, craving cuddles from her fluffy mate. Cheerily, she walked into the den to find Flintstar curled up in his nest, already waiting for her. She smiled, settling in alongside him and resting her fluffy tail beside his own. She let her head sit comfortably on her front paws, closing her eyes. After a few moments of simply relaxing, taking in his scent, a thought popped into her head... One that she wasn't sure either of them had considered. Her eyes flickered open, and visible confusion wiggled its way onto her face. Mates... Mates usually had kits together. But their relationship was just different, so what did that mean for them? Without moving, she mewed quietly, "Have you ever thought about having... Kits?"

Flintstar had found recently, his nest didn't hold the same comfort that it used to. He had often found it a place to hide when he didn't want to interact with his Clanmates but with recent developments with Freckleface, he had chosen to allow her to share his nest. ...Now he found that he missed her whenever they weren't sharing the nest together. Her presence had become a comfort, something to help soothe him through the restless nights. Perhaps he was starting to get an idea of what...Love was. He was rather certain he still didn't feel it but perhaps he was getting a glimpse of what it was like to miss somebody when you weren't with them.

His ears perked at the sound of pawsteps approaching, a sense of relief flooding over him as he picked up the scent of Freckleface as she finally arrived back from her hunting trip. He raised his head to greet her, gently pressing his nose against her forehead as she settled down next to him before he laid it back down on his paws. Ready to simply enjoy the silence and comfort of her presence, his ear twitched as she spoke up. Kits. ...Kits? He titled his head to rest his cheek on his paw, running the thought through his head. Had he ever really thought about having kits? "Not really," he admitted, giving a slight shrug of his shoulders. "I never thought much about having any type of relationship like...Ah, that before you. " Thinking about it, he found the thought didn't really...Stick out to him. Kits...He...Guessed they were a thin but the thought of him having kits seemed so...Strange. It had never interested him - he could honestly say that the thought hadn't crossed his mind until Freckleface had brought it up.

Then he paused, blinking as he suddenly realized the direction that this conversation was going. They were mates. Mates tend to have kits. ...Ah. For some reason, the thought - the reality - of them having kits put him off. It...It wasn't that he was opposed to the idea but... He wasn't sure if he wanted to put an answer to why it made him so nervous. But...He...He also wanted to make Freckleface happy. If she wanted kits, he supposed he wouldn't be so...Opposed. He just...He turned his gaze to her, silently hoping that he was wrong where the direction of this conversation is going. His tail thumped the nest a little, hating the new awkwardness that was spreading through him. He just...He had been a parent-like figure with his younger siblings and he didn't... He hadn't been a good.... He pressed his cheek harder into his paw, suddenly very unsure on what to say or do.

Freckleface kept her head resting gently on her forepaws, listening as Flintstar faltered slightly. To be quite honest, the little warrior wasn't even sure if she was ready to have kits. She knew that she wanted to be a mother, dreamed about it, even, but she wasn't sure if now was the time. When she saw kits fumbling around the nursery, their bright eyes wide at the prospect of exploring the world around them... Her heart fluttered. She wanted to have kits... But did Flintstar?

The tip of her fluffy tail twitched as the two of them sat in silence, with the faint sound of birds chirping nearby the only sound within earshot. After a few moments, she twisted slightly so that she could look at Flintstar directly. For a few seconds, she simply gazed into his yellow eyes, but then she looked back down at her own paws. She didn't want to make him do something that he didn't want to... And she couldn't quite tell exactly how he felt about it. Lifting her gaze once more, she looked into his eyes, trying to keep her expression rather light and casual... As casual as a conversation like this could be, at least. "Do you want to have kits?" She meowed quietly, whiskers twitching every now and then.

Flintstar was silent, eyes tracing the soft outline of his mate as the two simply sat there. He...Honestly didn't know how he had become so lucky to have her. For all of his talk of not feeling romance, there had always been a small part of him that had simply felt it was...Too good for him. He had seen such happiness that it had brought Daisyflame, Ravenmist and countless others and he had simply assume that because of his own failings - when it came to emotions or just...Bonding in general, that it would be something that would never come his way. Even if he didn't feel the same way as Freckleface, not exactly, he still treasured the relationship that had come to be between the two of them. She was somebody who deserved somebody much greater than himself, somebody who perhaps could meet her in love as fully as she loved him but...She had agreed to let them try to work it out, to let him try to meet her half-way and find a way to make this relationship be balanced and work between the two of them. He wasn't sure if he would ever be able to find the words to tell her how much it meant to him and on some level, it...Hurt. It hurt in his doubt of being unable to express to Freckleface just how much he loved her in his own way.

So, he wasn't fully surprised when the question was finally offered. It wasn't so different from her previous question but even he was able to grasp it. It wasn't if he had planned to have kits, ever thought about it. It was if he wanted to have kits with her. To be a father. He... He could feel the embers of fear start to burn in his chest, trying to think of his answer, how he would tell her. He...He didn't mind the thought. Thornstar had been a suitable mother, he was certain he could take some of the lessons she had given to him and his siblings to make it work but... His tail twitched, slightly curling upon himself as doubt started to bubble in his mind. But...He was bad at...Feelings. Bonding. He barely knew how to tell Freckleface how much she meant to him, he wasn't sure if he would be able to be the type of father to Freckleface's kits that they - that she - would deserve. He...What if he failed? Blundered, made mistakes. Mistakes weren't bad but...He didn't want to risk losing more family on his own accord because he just didn't... But...Freckleface had given up a chance at a real relationship, a real...Romance, by being with him. He had promised to do what he could to be the best mate for her. "I...Yes," he finally said, although his gaze turned away from Freckleface as he studied the far side of his den. "Family is important to me. Having kits would be...Nice. You would be a wonderful mother to them."

Nervously, Freckleface watched Flintstar, wondering exactly what was going through his mind. Silence was certainly no stranger to the two of them, and usually, Freckleface welcomed it- it could be comforting at times, just sitting there with him. Most of the time, she didn't have a worry in the world- now definitely was not one of those times. This silence... It was alienating. She didn't feel like herself, watching Flintstar falter at the prospect of having kits. She didn't want it to seem like she was forcing such a thing on him, and she was almost sure that he felt that way. She probably would have too, if she were in his paws. After several moments, Flinstar responded, and Freckleface released a breath she didn't even realize she'd been holding.

For a minute or two, she just tried to accept what he'd said- to take the opportunity and run with it. But something inside of her knew that all wasn't right with her mate. "Tell me what you're really thinking." The little she-cat said softly, curling her tail around him slowly. "I... I mean, I can tell... I can tell it's not all... Okay. Something isn't completely... Right, for you. What is it?"

Flintstar...Really hated how perceptive Freckleface could be at times. He huffed as she pressed him to speak what was really weighing him down, trying to find the words to say it. He...He didn't want to disappoint her. He wanted to make her happy, she had taken such a chance in trying to be his mate. He had known that him not...Loving her back like she loved him had been such a heavy blow - he wanted to do his best to fulfill whatever Freckleface needed from him but... "...What if I am not a good father?" he finally said, his words slow and careful as he raised his head to look at her. He didn't want to say it but...He found voicing his fears to be helpful before and if there was anybody he could trust, it was Freckleface. It didn't make it any easier, but it was at least something. "I am not good at...Socializing. Bonding. I do not know if I could... I do not know how to interact with kits. I do not get them, I do not know the games they like to play. I was...Stiff around my siblings when they were kits. Awkward. I want to be a good mate to you - a good father to your kits but I...I don't know if I can. I don't want to be a failure of a father, I do not want them to dislike me because I don't know how to be there for them. I don't know how my siblings feel about me but...Family is important to me. It was important to Thornstar." There was a long pause.

"...I don't want to let you down."

The little warrior's face immediately softened at Flintstar's first words, features relaxing one by one. Freckleface knew the feeling well enough to identify with what Flintstar was describing- of course not to a T, but she could relate. When he finally finished expressing his concerns, she began speaking immediately. "Aw, Flint..." She mewed, brushing her tail against his back softly. "I have no doubt that you would be a great father, and I... I think I can relate to how you're feeling. There will always be that little voice in our heads saying that we can't do this or we can't do that, but nobody ever said we had to listen to it." Warm amber eyes looked up into Flintstar's, gaze loving and kind. "The silly kitten games and such... They can be learned, but all a kit truly needs is love, I think. They need to know that they are loved and that there is someone out there who'd do anything for them. I know you would be that cat, Flintstar. It may be difficult, at first... learning how to show them your love. But you and I... We can do it, I'm sure of that. You would be an excellent father, and you could never let me down."

Flintstar kept his gaze focused on Freckleface as she spoke, feeling the fear ebb away slowly at the comforting words that she spoke. He...Didn't know how he had managed to be so lucky to have somebody like her at his side. He thought over her words, over the choices that laid before the two before he raised his head. "...Then lets do it," he finally uttered, his face taking on a softer look as he almost smiled at her, moving one of his giant paws to easily cover her own. "If you want to have kits...Then I am open for it. Family has always meant so much to Thornstar and that was something she had passed down to me. I...I think I will still be...Nervous in some sense, but if you think I am capable of being a suitable father to them...Then I think perhaps I believe that as well. I do suppose now is a good of time as any to learn what a kit...Erm, how a kit plays and acts. To learn how to be there for them whenever we do have kits."