Fake Happy [Solo]

Weakling. Pathetic. Worthless.

A shaky breath escaped Foxfire as he sat curled at the banks of the Moonlit Creek, head bent low as he stared into his own reflection. His eyes slowly traced the scars that lined his face, words spoken - and perhaps words only thought to himself - echoing in his head. His ears slowly slicked back as he pulled away from the river, memories flickering in his head. The terror of the black she-cat tackling him from the shadows, claiming revenge for what his Clanmates had done to their deputy. The pain of the scars that now lined his fur… The fearfulness of watching his Clan marching into battle in rage of what had been done to him - even if there was wrong-doing on both sides… The still bodies of Leaftwirl and Beanheart. Slain by ShadowClan.

Useless.

He hadn’t been able to protect any of them. He had barely been able to protect himself. What kind of deputy was he? What good had he done for SkyClan? Why did he even… He paused, breath catching for a second before he released it in a shaky exhale. He...He wasn’t sure how much more of this he could take. Every wrong that fell upon SkyClan felt like it was his fault, even if his Clanmates would say that it wasn’t. It wasn’t his responsibility but...He was deputy.

...He didn’t want to be anymore.

He didn’t want the burden, he wasn’t sure...He wasn’t sure he could be happy anymore. It was so hard to smile, finding only the smallest opportunities away from his duties could make him feel like himself anymore. He could do so good, putting on the act when with others. To pretend that everything was okay and right in the world when he had Flowerthorn looking out for him or seeing Basilpaw’s smile... When he could go out on patrol with his Clanmates and just pretend to be a normal warrior for once… But was that truly him anymore, thought? Was this just how he was meant to be? He wanted to be the deputy that everybody expected him to be. They all would say that he was fine, that he would get used to it but…

If this was what awaited him, then he wasn’t sure how much more he could stand it. How much more it would take until he...Until...He did something...Regrettable, he supposed. He had done so much to escape the burden on him, to survive and wait for the sunrise where he could raise his head and be happy as deputy… But it wasn’t sure he could be. He was just...Fake happy. He sighed, blinking as he once again leaned forward to stare at his own reflection. He didn’t know the cat that stared back at him. He wasn’t sure he liked him.

He wanted to change. To find out how to deal with the weight that Spottedstar had placed upon him. He had so many options that had bubbled into his head, but it had been so hard to put any into action when...His Clan needed him. Spottedstar needed him. Everything had been so chaotic, there hadn’t been the option to really...Do anything, about his situation. Not without making everything worse.

But he couldn’t put it off any longer. He...He couldn't He wasn’t sure how much more he could handle before he reached his breaking point - if he wasn’t there already. It was time...It was time to make his choice...And he was already certain of the path he was going to take. He swallowed nervously as he pulled away from the river, staring at his paws as he dug his claws into the ground. How many cats had done this? Made the same choice. Why would they? Give up something so...Honorable. He was...He was just letting his Clan down. Spottedstar, Basilpaw...Flowerthorn. They expected so much from him but he wasn’t that cat. He never was, and never would be.

It just wasn’t him. And he couldn’t let them fight to protect somebody that he wasn’t. Not anymore. No longer...

He slowly pushed himself to his paws, fur prickling already at the shame he felt for his cowardly choice. Would his Clanmates understand? Flowerthorn...She had claimed that she always had his back, giving him the hope that perhaps it wasn’t just his position that was giving the second chance. But if it was...He...No, he wouldn’t blame her if it changed things. If she wanted nothing to do with him after this. He would only deserve it...

Basilpaw? She always thought so much of him, having always thought he would be the next deputy while he had denied that idea at every turn. But it was true, he had been made deputy and she was always there to support him - to tell him how good he was doing. How would she feel about this? Her faith in him was misplaced, it was wrong. He wasn’t who she thought he was - he couldn’t be that…

Wolfcall, Deerpaw, Sunflower - all of them had told him how good of a deputy he was but...He wasn’t. Stars, how had he fooled them all? How did they truly believe that he...He was worth it. He just...It...It was him. It was just all in his head, he...It wasn’t true, none of it was true. He could be a good deputy, but yet...The voice in his head told him that he would never be anything. And...It was tiring to fight it when he was alone, when he didn’t have somebody to pretend to be okay for. He...It was better to cut out what drove the voice. He turned and padded toward the camp, gaze low as he started to try to form the words he would have to say to Spottedstar. Already he could feel his heart sinking at however the leader would react...

But he just couldn’t take it anymore.

And if he didn’t do something now…

It was time to change things, for his own sake.

OOC: Directly leads into Successor of Fate