Don't Get Close Enough To Let Them Break You {Open}

(occ: A preface to this topic, it takes place on the same day as this topic.  Please feel free to post here when the time is right, I want as many people to be involved as possible~)

It was an odd sort of day for Leopardclaw.  In truth, nothing out of the ordinary had occurred, it just felt...off.  As if something was different in the air, in the very nature of his surroundings.  He shrugged it off as the natural turning of the seasons, as leaf-bare's icy grip on the forest finally seemed to be loosening, but as he went about his day assigning patrols and making sure everything in camp was running smoothly, he couldn't seem to shrug off the strange sensation that something was amiss.  If the tom was being honest, his life has been feeling wrong for a long time now.  Ever since that day he had found Lichenfang brutally mauled, laying in a puddle of her own blood, a dark cloud had been eternally fogging his mind, making every pawstep take more effort than he could spare, and every interaction a test of self-control.  His nest at the center of the warrior's den had become his closest acquaintance.  He has thought at the time, maybe he could get through this, but soon enough those dreams were dashed to pieces.  His once large family was quickly growing smaller; Honeyspark had died soon after she had been returned from RiverClan, and Orchidfeather had bled to death in the nursery, trying to bring her beloved kits into the world.  Every day Leopardclaw counted his blessings, and watched over his remaining family members with eyes like a hawk.  Reedheart, Birdflight, Dawnpetal, Ivyshade, Newttongue, Violetfall...Pantherpaw, Timberpaw, Wrenpaw, Waspkit, Pumakit, Mothkit...  He needed them...more than they could ever know.  He went on with his day, bearing with the odd feeling, and had almost forgotten about it by the time he settled down in the shade underneath the Highrock, his hazel eyes beginning to flicker with an exhaustion he could no longer control.

”Leopardclaw!” Dawnpetal rose her voice in a desperate shriek as she rushed into ThunderClan’s camp, tears falling from her eyes. She had left Birdflight to carry their fallen Clanmate and brother back to camp while she raced ahead to alert the deputy of the terrible news.

She skidded to a halt before her adopted father, unable to decide whether to try and catch her breath from the run or use what breath she had left for sobbing. Trembling heavily, she looked up at Leopardclaw. ”I-It-It’s R-Reedheart!... H-He’s—!... He’s...” Too emotionally exhausted from the horrors that she had witnessed by Sunningrocks, she collapsed to the ground with a soft, breathless wail. She couldn’t speak anymore, but once Birdflight returned Leopardclaw would be able to see for himself what she was trying to tell him.

Birdflight was nearing the camp, exhausted beyond relief. Her eyes clouded with sorrow so powerful that it made her breathing ragged. Her nose was taking in the scent of death. Reedheart was being dragged by the scruff of his neck back to his home. Her jaw ached but she didn't care. She only wanted to get back home with the carcass of her dead sibling. She longed to hide in her nest, hide from the cruel world. No tears could spill. She had wasted them all.

The calico warrior finally managed to enter the camp. She set Reedheart's dead body down and looked away. She could feel the oncoming pain her father would show. His broken heart tearing into even smaller pieces.

(occ: this topic is now open to all)

Leopardclaw's black-tipped ears instantly flicked up as they detected the shrill sound of Dawnpetal's heartbroken wail.  The deputy's head shot to alert, his hazel eyes widened with deep dread.  He knew his adopted daughter well, and she was not one to cry and wail unless something truly awful had happened...and that frightened him to the very depths of his bones.  At the sight of her pale ginger pelt bolting through the camp entrance, he leaped to his paws to meet her half-way, the glimmer of intense worry in his eyes only growing by the sight of the tears that flowed from hers.  She was breathless and frantic, and by his natural fatherly instinct he rested his ringed tail-tip comfortingly on her shoulder, bending down slightly to meet her gaze.  "Dawnpetal, what's wrong?!"

”I-It-It’s R-Reedheart!... H-He’s—!... He’s...”

Reedheart?!  As his daughter collapsed, exhausted, at his paws, he fought back the urge to yowl out the thousands of desperate questions that were beginning to rage in his mind.  What's wrong with Reedheart, where is he?  What happened, why are you so scared...where is my son?!  His heartbeat quickening, the large tom bent to touch his nose to her cheek in an encouraging gesture, but before he could...a scent touched his nose.  A bitter, rotten smell that choked every sane sense in his brain, an aroma that reeked of indescribable pain and heartbreak that could be caused by nothing else, the scent of...

Death.

"No..."  His breath caught in his throat as Leopardclaw forced out a rasping, disbelieving whisper, his hazel eyes wandering up against his will to gaze over at the gorge tunnel just as it began to rustle.  His heart thudded down into his stomach as Birdflight pushed into the camp, her numb face almost completely hidden by a sopping heap of oh-so-familiar golden spotted tabby fur that dragged in her jaws.  There was no mistaking him; the deputy's son Reedheart, the last surviving member of his and Lichenfang's first litter, his beloved kit...was dead.

Leopardclaw couldn't speak.  His eyes were widened to the very edges of their capability, and his mouth hung open and gaping for all the world to see his shock.  His heart pumped so hard, so fast, it felt as if it would jump out of his chest and escape him at any moment.  Slowly, very slowly, he extended his legs and stood up from his bent position beside Dawnpetal.  He walked forward on trembling legs that could barely hold his weight, every step stinging as if it was being placed in a den of adders.  One painful pawstep after another, he made his way to where his kit had placed her brother's body down on the sandy ground that was once his home, until he was close enough to touch him.  He extended his forepaw and placed it gently on Reedheart's silent flank.  It was still, and cold...and that is when the tears began to fall from Leopardclaw's eyes.

His lip quivering violently as he held back a tremendous wail, he fell down beside the body, his streaming eyes glazed and unseeing.  His world was just an incomprehensible blur of colors and sounds he did not understand, the only thing remaining was the unrelenting burn of raw agony.  As if he was moving in slow motion, he twisted his head around in the direction of Birdflight, who had turned her face away from him.  His voice devoid of all possible emotions, he meowed a question so low that even he barely heard it himself.  "W..What happened to him..."

Marshpaw watched silently from a corner of the camp. His paws ached from a long day of hunting, but for once, his mind was clear. He knew his family had forgiven him. That alone had taken enough weight off of him that he felt he could simply fly away in a single leap with the memory of every moment. Still, the moment he looked up at Leopardclaw, his muzzle went into a soft frown.

The tom seemed lost in thought as the camp bustled about. The thought of going over to speak to him made him get to his paws when another cat burst through the entrance. His pelt bristled for a moment at the tone, his eyes widened and he made a couple leaping steps towards the entrance when Birdflight came in... with the body.

The dark tabby stalled. His mind blanked out for a single moment, but it was enough time for the body to be hauled to the center of camp. For Leopardclaw to have reached it. Marshpaw swallowed back a pang of sorrow for the younger tom, and for his son. Too young to have died... all the cats in the camp felt like they were too young for such a cruel fate.

Slowly, he padded over to Leopardclaw. His paws taking the slightly upward steps of a cat walking through paw-deep marsh as he stood solemnly next to the grieving tom. What could he say? No words would be of comfort now. Instead, he chose to sit silently next to him. His eyes looked up at Leopardclaw's with sorrow and grief for the life lost. Words slipped through his muzzle before he could stop them.

"I'm sorry Leopardclaw." He meowed softly. "He was a great warrior, a great son. He was lucky to have you." He added, though he wasn't sure his words helped as he simply sat next to the other tom's side. His dark amber eyes blinked back tears that threatened to spill at the tragedy before them.

Without a second thought, Dustcloud was on her feet. She'd heard the calls from Dawnpetal and Birdflight from all the way across camp, the same sort of calling she'd heard from many cats through her time. She lifted her tired eyes, but when they settled on the cold body on Reedheart, she was immediately on her paws. Her mouth agape, she rushed towards the yellow spotted tom she knew to be Reedhearts father: Leopardclaw. Inside she knew the pain that the tom felt; the loss of a kit was something no cat ever needed to suffer through, it left an empty hole in a cats chest that could be covered, yet not repaired. She stood behind him as he cried, sympathy evident in her eyes. She knew nothing would help sooth the pain, but the least she could do was provide support. With a low, near inaudible sigh, she made her way to the grieving Deputy's side, letting her tail curl around his back in an effort to show that she cared. "H-He hunts in th-the s-st-stars now, Leopardcl-claw." Reedheart was a good cat, she couldn't help but wonder; what had happened? Shaking her head, she cleared the thought. It wasn't her business to meddle in, and the older she-cat only cared to comfort her Clanmate at that moment.

Owlkit padded out of the nursery when she smelled a new cent curious what it was she walked towards the source of the cent and immediately regretted it. it was Reedheart and he was not moving. she knew what that ment Reedheart was dead. she did not know the warrior so wel but she knew he was a fine warrior. She wanted to cry no cat should ever have this fate. she ran back to the nursery and hid here face in here mothers fur. why was the clan live so unfair sometimes?


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owlkit of thunderclan & lilykit of windclan

Sharptooth padded towards the others as Leopardclaw let out a heart-wrenching wail, confusion in her eyes. "What?" She mewed, a faint smile on her maw. This was a joke- who was that, on the ground?
"What? What is it?" Her voice grew desperate. "Who is that? Birdflight, who's that?"
She was scared to look, scared of what she'd see. No... This wasn't happening. Not again. She had lost too much- Thunderclan had lost too much. Driven by sheer panic, she took a step backward. A flash of spotted fur.
Reedheart, her closest friend since apprenticehood. Her mate. All she had left. All that Thunderclan had left.
This wasn't happening. This wasn't...
But it was.
She saw his body.
Sharptooth stumbled forward, fell to her knees.
His body was cold.
There was nothing left.
She hadn't loved him the same way he had loved her. That, she was certain of. But she had still loved him. Dearer than kin, closer than her most trusted friend.
His eyes were wide open. Sharptooth's paws were shaking. "No. No. No...!"
Who did this. "Who..." She muttered, staring sightlessly at his body. She turned to the others, her pelt rising with her anger. "Who did this?" She repeated, her voice sharp. "Who killed him? I swear to Starclan I won't rest until I find who did this. I'll... I'll..." What would she do? What could she do?
She was helpless, and Reedheart- like Shrewheart, like Coyotefang -had left her on the ground.

Through the blurred edges of his vision, the only thing that Leopardclaw was capable of seeing was the one thing he had feared most in this world; except now it was reality...his reality.  Tears that he didn't even try to control fell from his glazed hazel eyes, soaking the sandy earth between his paws, but he didn't notice.  He didn't register anything that was happening around him, it was only him and Reedheart's cold body.  Alone.

H..how could this happen...no, this isn't happening!  It can't be!  StarClan wouldn't do this to me...Grasswhisker please, haven't I been through enough?  This isn't real...I fell asleep beneath the Highrock, this is just a terrible nightmare, like the other ones that I've had.  It...it has to be...it has to... I can't lose my son!

He vaguely realized the presence of Marshpaw, sitting silently beside him; he felt the gentle pressure of Dustcloud's tail across his back, yet for once he didn't flinch.  The soft pattering of small paws that sounded as if a kit was running away...Sharptooth falling to her knees beside her mate's body...

This is all your fault.

Leopardclaw's pupils widened.  Oh, it had been so long since he had heard that monotone inner voice, filled with depths of hatred and scorn.  He wanted to push it away...but he didn't have the will.

Did you really think that you could have a normal life here, filled with love and happiness and peace?  You came from pain, and it will follow you for the rest of your days, you can't escape it.  You were never worthy of being a warrior in this noble world, much less a deputy, an advisor, a father.  You're still just a hopeless, unwanted rogue, doomed to death.  The nerve of you, bringing kits into this world to inherit your terrible legacy.  

The only person who is to blame for this...is you.

"Get...away...from...my...SON!"  With a single fast move, Leopardclaw leaped to his paws to face the gathering crowd of cats around him, lashing out with an unsheathed paw that barely missed from hitting Dustcloud as he forced her tail off of his back.  His lips were drawn back in a furious snarl, the pupils of his eyes narrowing to tiny, concentrated slits.  The fur along his neck and spine bristled, rippling like the surface of a stormy lake as he sank his unsheathed claws into the dirt.  Yet, tears still fell from his eyes.

"G..GET AWAY!"  He whipped around to growl at Sharptooth, at everyone.  For the first time in his life...he had lost all sense of control.  "T..t..this i..is because of ME!  Because of my ignorance, my STUPIDITY!"  His voice caught in his throat, raspy, yet blazing with unrestrained fury.  His tail lashed wildly as he paced back and forth, his eyes darting from his paws to the crowd, to the body.  His breath came in shallow gasps, heart racing at the speed of a Twoleg monster.  "If Darkflight had never taken me into ThunderClan...if we hadn't had kits...if I had never become deputy...If I had never become a clan cat..."

He paused and was still.  Something was beginning to sink in.

"....if I had just died in the snow...like I was meant to....I wouldn't have to suffer like this!"

Dawnpetal recoiled at her adopted father's lashing out, backing away just as every other cat did. She couldn't stand to see Leopardclaw so broken, but hearing how he had wished himself death really broke her heart. She knew just how he felt. Reedheart meant so much to her as well -- to all of his siblings. But he meant most to his father. She could just imagine what it would be like if she were in Leopardclaw's place, and Ravenpaw's body lay in the center of the clearing cold and lifeless instead of Reedheart's. She'd probably go a little mad, too.

She was the first to tentatively approach her hysterical father, speaking softly as to not spook him into another outburst. "Leopardclaw... This was not your fault. Some things just can't be controlled. I know what it's like to lose someone important. A mother, a father, an apprentice, a mentor, a mate, a kit, a friend... Every cat in ThunderClan knows what it's like. You're not alone in your grief. Even if you may never recover from this tragic loss, take comfort in knowing we will all be here to support you, as you are always here to support us. Reedheart will live on in our hearts and in StarClan, and when our times come we will reunite with him and with our other fallen Clanmates.

"You've done well by him, and you've done well by the rest of your kits, too," she continued gently. "You have had so many strong, loyal, and loving sons and daughters, and you have helped them all overcome their demons and their tragedies. If not for you, half the Clan wouldn't be here today. You've done so much for us. For me, Birdflight, Newttongue, Ivyshade, Violetfall, and all our other littermates. And for Reedheart." She walked up to him and pressed her muzzle against his shoulder.

(OOC: Super lame and corny, but whatev)

(occ: I'm going to post rapid-fire with Leo so that this can prograss quickly)

Leopardclaw stood still, staring down wide-eyed at his trembling paws, claws still extended and grinding into the dirt in an unconscious effort to control this terrible burst of long-contained emotion.  Dawnpetal's soft, encouraging words touched his ears, he heard every phrase...but he couldn't seem to comprehend it.  Serenity, joy, peace...the hope and passion that his adopted daughter spoke of was such a foreign concept to him at that moment, he could no longer remember why he had once believed in those things.  He had been a fool; he must've thought that things could get better, that he could have a loving, loyal family by his side for the very first time...but he knew the truth now.  That familiar sentence flooded back into his mind from when he was a lonely apprentice; "Don't get close enough to let them break you."  To become close to someone, to form a connection that ran so strongly and so deeply with another cat, opens yourself up to the most terrible weakness.  Heartbreak.  To get close is to risk losing everything.  His mother had taught him that when she abandoned him in the snow to die...and Grasswhisker proved it when she left him in death.  Mottledwing, Cherrykit, Mintkit, Falconpaw, Flowerpaw, Orchidfeather, Honeyspark...Wolffang and Coyotefang...and now Reedheart.  They were all gone...and because of his foolishness, he had allowed himself to be connected by the ties of friendship and love, and in the end, it left him like this.  Broken, in agony...defeated.  Yet...they all still look up to me.  Why?  What have I ever done that made me more than I am, a pathetic scared outsider?!  Why must you depend on me?  I never wanted this!  I just wanted to be happy...yet they're all looking at me to be some great member of the clan, part of their foundation!  I'm nothing but a weak link...  "......Don't lie to me Dawnpetal."  He flinched away from her touch, hazel eyes burning with an expression of pure fury.  Yet, the tears still fell.

"If I was such a great father, then why are half of your siblings dead?  Tell me, if I was such a great mate, then why is Lichenfang crippled beyond repair, never able to hunt or swim or even walk comfortably again?!"  As he spoke, he once again began to move, his body hunched in a defensive crouch, his lips drawn back in a snarl.  "DON'T TELL ME...that I'm great!  I don't know what Blizzardstar could've ever seen in me...putting the clan in my paws someday will only lead to ThunderClan's doom, CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?  Everything I love and care about, all that I've built my life around, is dying!  I won't let that happen...I...I can't be....I..."  His eyes flicked so rapidly that it was impossible to tell what he was looking at as his face once again fell to his paws, and the golden spotted deputy took a few small, unsteady backward steps in the direction of the gorse tunnel.

As cats came over, Marshpaw moved to give them space. He listened in silence as Dawnpetal and Leopardclaw spoke. Marshpaw felt words on his tongue and turned to speak when Leopardclaw snarled. The dark tabby felt unsettled by the golden tom's change. He had never seen Leopardclaw actually get angry, though he could certainly understand it. As Leopardclaw continued his words of self-loathing, Marshpaw frowned and stood. He padded quietly to walk beside him as he spoke.
"I see a cat who is focusing on the wrong things." He meowed seriously. His amber eyes stared at Leopardclaw unrelenting and trusting. "Blizzardstar chose you, because you are a great cat. You will be a great leader. I know it's hard... but think of everything good you've brought to this clan. Your kits are excellent and good warriors, your mate is still alive, and the clan has faith in you because of all that you have done." Marshpaw paused, then looked back towards the circle of cats.

"I haven't known you that long, but even I can see that you're a good cat, and I'm honoured I get to be in the same clan as you." He looked at Leopardclaw one last time before he slowly stepped back to give the other tom some space. His tail twitched as he waited silently to see if Leopardclaw would turn back and honour his dead son more... or leave. Hopefully, to come back later, but he wouldn't stop him. If the other tom wanted to take a step back, to mourn privately, Marshpaw wouldn't stop him.

The sound of blood rushing in his ears blocked out all sound, all sense of focus and calm, and in the end, only panic was left in the deputy's hazel eyes.  Somehow though, he took in Marshpaw's words, but just as his daughter's had the statements held no truth in his mind, and he was left with only empty claims.  Why...why do they all have to look up to me, as if I'm some kind of hero?!  Can't they see what I'm truly am, I'm NOTHING!  I can't even protect my family...they're all slipping away!  How do they expect me to be a good leader and protect the whole clan?!  His paces backward towards the entrance halted, as he finally lifted his face to gaze at the dark-pelted tom.  His chest heaved with shallow breathes as he spoke, the sturdy calm that always seemed to linger in the heart of his gaze completely gone.  "I...I don't WANT.....I can't....."  His eyes once again fell to the ground, and he lost all words.  In the corner of his vision he could still see him, his spotted pelt, dusty and soaking with river water.  He felt cramped, crowded by countless expectations and pressures that he couldn't live up to.  He wanted to run, leave this pressure behind.....

And he did.

Without a word, the long-legged tom whirled around, and raced out of the camp entrance, vanishing into the forest until the only trace of him that remained was the rustling gorse leaves he left in his wake.