BITTERSWEET

By the time Sagelight padded back into camp from the long journey from Highstones, the sun was beginning to rise on the horizon, heralding the start of a new day. His walk back to SkyClan had been uneventful, much to his relief; he didn't think he could handle anything else going wrong. He couldn't stop replaying the dream in his mind, over and over, the burning sensation of his fur, the bright glow of the fire, the horrible yowling of the Twolegs... The tom was painfully tense the entire journey back, mind clouded with exhaustion and fear. He absolutely dreaded telling Spottedstar about all of this, and about...the incident. As much as he hated to spill all these beans at once, he thought he may explode if he didn't confess to his brother. At least it would get it off his chest and off his mind; he could handle whatever punishment the spotted leader felt was best. He deserved it.

The medicine cat entered camp, trembling from the weight of knowledge on his shoulders. His paws and legs ached and he longed to just go to his nest in his den and sleep, but this must be done, and it must be done immediately. Sagelight stopped in front of the leader's den beneath the Tallbranch, ignoring the rustling of other SkyClan cats in camp. If they were calling to him, noticing the severe look on his face, he didn't notice. There was a rushing in his ears, his eyes dull yet moist with tears threatening to spill over. Taking a deep, shaky breath to steady himself, he plunged through the light brush that hid the entrance to the den and stood facing his brother. He didn't care if he woke the leader, he needed to talk to him before he melted into a puddle of exhaustion and fear. Heart threatening to burst from his chest, he sat down on his haunches, tucked his trembling paws beneath him, and meowed, "Spottedstar, we need to talk. Immediately."

Spottedstar woke up in a daze and with some alarm. He hadn't expected to hear a voice in his den, and the silhouette against the slight morning light that leaked in from the entrance made his fur stand on end. However, he soon recognized the frame and voice of his brother and settled back into his nest with slight embarrassment. "What?" He meowed, trying to remember what Sagelight had said to him while he was still half asleep. "Immediately? Of... course. Tell me what's wrong." Well, there wasn't much choice, anyway. The medicine cat had settled in already and he looked disturbed. Spottedstar wouldn't send him away in such a state, even if sleep clouded his eyes and threatened to pul him back under as he spoke.

This was it. This was what he had been worrying over for a long time. Sagelight swallowed hard and began, shakily, lowering himself down to a loaf position to prevent his legs from giving out on him. "I...I got a prophecy from StarClan tonight, at the medicine cat meeting. There were Twolegs, a-and a big fire..." A shudder ran down his spine at the memory. "I don't know, I can't say what it all means yet, but I pray to StarClan they aren't here, or get too close to camp--...You haven't heard anything about them being here, have you? I haven't seen anything. And, and the creek, it was almost completely dry... I have to assume that this is a very straightforward prophecy, it was very clear...So...I had to tell you. So we can prepare. I don't know when it's coming, but I have a bad feeling that it could be soon..."

He inhaled then exhaled slowly, muscles tense. Okay, first part of this was done. Time for the hard part... "And...and there's something I need to confess," he murmured, raising his gaze up from his paws to look into his brother's amber eyes. Tears were spilling down his cheeks from fear and guilt and he sniffled, looking away again. Would Spottedstar cast him out? Would he be demoted? Would he become the next Mintwhisker? He unsheathed his claws, digging them deep into the soil of the den beneath his paws. "I-I'm sure you've heard about how Tinylegs has been ill lately...? He...he came in for the usual old age pains and..." Sagelight swallowed hard, squeezing his eyes tightly shut. It was hard to admit this out loud, to become so vulnerable in front of his leader, but...He couldn't imagine doing this in front of anyone but Spottedstar. "I, uh, I...I've really b-been...not feeling the greatest, for several moons now. It st-started after I became sick a while ago, and...the stuff with the Righteous Few didn't help at all, and I, I've just--...I hate complaining, but I've just felt so, so...drained. And exhausted, and there's just been no respite...Having Honeysong around has helped, but I haven't been sleeping well, and after Mom passed--...A-Anyway, Tinylegs, he..." He took another deep breath to steady himself, not meeting Spottedstar's gaze. His voice had dropped too, just barely on the edge of his own hearing abilities. "I gave him some poppy seeds, to help with the pain, and I-I...I...I mixed them up with foxglove seeds, they're very similar, they look almost the same, but foxglove causes heart failure. I...I managed to get him stable with yarrow and he's recovering, but...Spottedstar, I...I almost killed him. He could have died, and it's all my fault. It's all my fault, I'm so sorry...I h-hope you can forgive me, but whatever punishment you think is best, I'll...I'll accept."

Sagelight's voice shook as he broke down into sobs, curling tightly in on himself to keep the prying eyes of his brother off of his face. He could feel them digging into his pelt as he covered his face with one paw. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..."

'Of course, how could I forget about the medicine cat meeting?' He thought to himself, shaking himself awake. Spottedstar knew it must have been serious if Sagelight came right home and into his den after the meeting. He sat up, serious and growing wider awake as Sagelight reported his dream. A growing sense of dread gripped his heart. "Oh, stars," he hissed, feeling irrationally angry that such a disaster could threaten them only a few moons after their latest problems. "Twolegs. Fire. We'll need more patrols... more herbs... stockpile prey - no, that would be a waste, it wouldn't last..." Spottedstar paced in what little room remained in his den, muttering under his breath about the correct course of action and only stopped when Sagelight continued. It was the word "confession" and the tears wetting his cheeks that shocked the leader, and the dread in his heart budded into fear. Memories of Deerfrost clouded his mind as he took a single step towards his brother, unsure whether he should rush to comfort him.

Some of the panic that caused his pulse to beat in his ears eased as Sagelight described being tired. Now that was something Spottedstar could sympathize with, and his expression immediately softened. Perhaps the medicine cat was simply explaining how upset he'd been or was asking for more help. As the leader thought about Tinylegs' condition, he could only think that he was grateful that Sagelight had been working so hard to take care of their former leader even though his leadership had been rocky. And after Firflower's passing... There was nothing but love and understanding in Spottedstar's gaze, and he stepped closer with the intention of nuzzling his younger brother.

Then the real confession came. Tinylegs' brush with death wasn't a severe illness but a medical mistake that could have killed even a leader. Spottedstar gasped in shock, horrified at first to learn that Sagelight could make such a mistake, then dropped his gaze to his paws, filled with grief that his brother could be so painfully overwhelmed. Of course he could never do something like that intentionally - like Deerfrost. And he certainly wouldn't have admitted it if he really wanted to keep it hidden from Spottedstar. Tears pooled in his own eyes; despair wracked through him like a wave. He hated to see his brother in so much emotional pain and begging forgiveness, curling on the floor like it would swallow him up. Spottedstar darted forward and rubbed his wet cheek along Sagelight's neck and shoulders to try and rouse him from his sobbing. "No, no - Sagelight, please get up! Of course I forgive you, it was an accident! You were so tired... you're still so tired... How could I punish you? You don't deserve that." The spotted tabby settled next to his brother, curled around him, and licked along his spine in even, rhythmic strokes like a queen would comfort her kits for several heartbeats. Did he deserve punishment? It seemed odd. Medicine cats loved their jobs, they would never make a mistake like that twice. And Sagelight was so loyal and loving, there was no way he'd allow that to happen again. He just needed a clear mind. "No... you just need rest. Honeysong has her full name, right? Let her take over your duties. Not for long, a moon, perhaps? Hunt with the warriors, sit with the elders, but Sagelight, please just let Honeysong handle the medicine cat duties. And... you should talk to Tinylegs, if he's able. I think his forgiveness is more important than mine."

Sagelight began to quiet down as the comforting form of his brother curled around his body and gradually he relaxed more and more, sniffling as Spottedstar spoke of his "punishment".

He nodded, numb, a wave of exhaustion laying thick on his pelt like a blanket. "Thank you for forgiving me..." he mumbled, rubbing his wet cheek against his brother's face in thanks for his kindness. Quietly, he shuffled closer into the tom's warmth, laying his tail across the leader's. "A moon of rest...I think I can do that. Honeysong is more than capable, I know for a fact. I'll...I'll do my best to get the rest I need. You know me, though, it'll be a struggle to stay away from my work." Despite his recent emotional outburst, Sagelight cracked a tiny smile, butting his head up under the spotted tom's chin affectionately.

He sighed heavily then, laying his head down on his paws. After a few moments of silence, the medicine cat opened his mouth again to whisper, "I miss Mom..."

Spottedstar smiled briefly as Sagelight rubbed against him, feeling pleased that he could at least provide some comfort. Of course giving up his duties would be hard. The leader made a mental note to spend more time with his brother so that he could keep him distracted; maybe they would both benefit from some quality time together, and maybe both of them could keep their minds off of their mutual pain. Then Sagelight spoke again, and Spottedstar broke into a deep frown. He wanted to be strong, but Firflower's passing still stung like talons in his mind and heart. Tearstains that had dried against his face became wet again as new tears dripped from his jaw. They were silent and angry tears. The leader hadn't known the source of the sickness and wondered why Firflower had to be the one taken, a selfish idea that had planted itself in his heart long ago. He responded in a similar whisper that was cut by a barely restrained sob. "I do too."

"I miss them all. The ones who died, the ones who left... It doesn't feel fair. I don't understand why we keep losing cats." He hissed through the sighs and sobs, kneading the dust beneath his paws in frustration. The hollow pain in his heart deepened as he pictured Deerfrost's face as he was pronounced an exile, the lifeless eyes of his kits who didn't survive to adulthood, Mintwhisker when she returned to the Clan in the middle of Tinystar's trial before mysteriously disappearing after hurting Sagelight. Amberdawn - Marmalade? - and Sandblaze as they announced their intention to leave for good. "Sometimes I feel like I'm being punished. You're a medicine cat... I know I told you to take a break, but..." He cut off with a short, bitter laugh, feeling a little ridiculous at exposing his true feelings. "You should understand StarClan. Did I do something wrong? Have I caused StarClan to hate SkyClan?" Spottedstar meowed, gazing at the wall of his den with new tears pooling in his eyes. Only Wolfcall knew of his affection for the former medicine cat. Spottedstar might have to confess all over again so that Sagelight could tell him if he'd offended their ancestors, and that made him nervous. He pressed close to his brother to seek comfort.

Spottedstar laid with him and cried alongside Sagelight, and the medicine cat only pressed further into the comfort of his brother's fur. The older tom's quiet sobbing amidst his speaking made it a little hard for Sagelight to understand him, but he tried his best, craning his ears as far as his hearing would allow to pick up what was being said. "...I don't understand, either. I don't know why SkyClan keeps losing cats. I miss them all, too..." Spottedstar began kneading the dirt with his paws, the lynx point noticed as he squinted to watch the rhythmic movements.

"I kn-- I t--d you to t-ke a bre-k, but..." He blinked, rotating his ears to desperately try and catch what his brother was saying. Spottedstar continued. "...You sh---d un--rs-and Sta--lan. Did I -- som-thi-- wro--? H--e I cau--- StarC--n to ha-e SkyCl-n?" Sagelight hesitated for a long moment, deciphering that in his head. Something about StarClan and SkyClan, he guessed. That middle part concerned him. 'Did I do something wrong?' seemed like the most plausible answer. With a sigh, the medicine cat tucked his head underneath his brother's chin, letting a faint, comforting purr rumble through his chest. "I don't think you've done anything wrong, Spot. I think you've done all that you can to keep SkyClan safe, like a leader should. As for StarClan, they haven't told me anything against you or SkyClan except for what I just received...If they did, I would tell you. I don't think it's you, I think...it's all the others."