New Star Wars Trailer

Disclaimer: I am a huuuuuuuuuuge fan of the original films from the 80s, as they were originally shown. That means this and this and this. They're among my favorite films and I consider them to be some of the greatest movies of all time. There, I said it.

Then there are the prequels made in the early 2000s, which I consider to be on the level of putrid diarrhea. That means this and this and this.

I should also admit, while I'm at it, that I grew up with all six of these movies. I loved alllll of them. Most of my action figures as a little Sleepy-kun were from Star Wars. I have an embarrassing amount of Star Wars knowledge saved up. While I loved the prequels as a little kid, I eventually grew to hate them. For obvious reasons. If you are unaware, the prequels are literally like a 12 year old autistic boy's fanfiction. They're flashy and entertaining if you're say, six, but they completely fall apart if you're sober and any older than thirteen.

That all being taken into consideration, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to think about this movie. Is there a gigantic possibility that it is going to be a big, coiled, steaming turd?

Yes.

Is there also that slim chance that it will be the greatest thing since cocaine?

YES OH MY GOD PLEASE

But there's no way of knowing. There might be some more information floating around somewhere, but I haven't been following this at all, so everything I know comes from this trailer right here. Which tells us absolute jack. It's just snippets from random scenes. Said snippets make me both terrified and mildly aroused. I do not know if the latter reaction is healthy. I guess the force is awakening or something.

My thoughts and observations:
1. the voiceover in this movie is deliciously evil
That might sound like an insult, but it's not. The Emperor was deliciously evil and I loved him to bits. Even in the prequels, after he got a puffy inflamed monster face, I loved him to bits. He was just so passionate about being villainous, almost to a cartoonish level, that just the memory of him brings a wicked smile to my face. His evil cackling filled my heart with joy. I enjoyed nothing more than watching him orgasm in his cloak a little whenever he felt enough hate in himself or the others around him. Good night, sweet prince. I'll always love you. You may be gone, but your loyal subjects remember.
In all seriousness, the voice sounds a little dumb, and like the actor is trying too hard. I'm not really worried.

2. SURPRISE STORMTROOPER BETCH
The fact that he's black and not a clone is promising. I like the idea of the new Republic still using old stormtrooper uniforms and equipment. It's also possible that the Empire's still around, which is fine by me, because he's still not a stupid clone.

3. r2 is a ball
I hope that's not R2. I'm pretty sure that's just a random droid, who at most, might take R2's place as a lovable feisty bastard. It's time to put 3PO and R2 to rest. They're like 50 years old at this point, since Lucas was a retard and put them in the prequels. I refuse to believe they are still relevant or functional this far into the future.

4. MOAR STORMTROOPERS THEY LOOK KINDA SCARY
That's it really. They have slightly fancier visor designs now. I like 'em. No idea what their presence could possibly mean, or what they're doing on that dropship.
Shaky cam to remind us that it's still J.J. Abrams directing this. I'm a little worried.

5. CUTIE ON A SPEEDER ON TATOOINE WOW
That's all. I approve of cuties on speeders. If she's cute. It's hard to tell since she's so covered up. It could be a cutie, but it could also be Gwendoline Christie under all that for all I know.

6. oh god x-wings it's so sexy
Have you ever seen the "special" editions of the original films? If you're unaware, it's where good old George went back and added a bunch of stupid crap to former cinematic masterpieces, possibly out of pure spite for his fans. It's where the whole "HAN SHOT FIRST" stuff came from. Anyways, I bring it up because there's a lot of obvious and crappy CGI added in. Usually I would forgive it, because he was doing this back in the early 2000s and so it all looked like crap, but:
a). It didn't need to be added in the first place. It's really obvious in A New Hope, when they're traveling through Mos Eisley. Like, there's stuff happening on the screen, and you're into it, but then George Lucas swoops in and plants fifty Toy Story-lookin' dinosaurs everywhere for no reason at all. There's Jawas flying off saddles, there's brontosauri freaking the hell out and bucking their legs, it's nuts. It has nothing to do with what's happening, it's not adding to the atmosphere, so it's retarded. It's moronic and superfluous, and Lucas just did it because he has a small penis and overcompensates with technology.
b). IT'S F**KING UGLY.
The ultimate irony is that the original versions of the original films, which are 20 years older than the prequels, look infinitely better. Why? Because it's ALL REAL. In the original films, they actually bothered to go out into the desert and s**t to film. They bothered to make actual sets. They bothered to make actual props. Aliens and stormtroopers and even some of the droids are people in costume, so it looks like you're actually seeing real things. Please compare original Jabba to CGI Jabba, for example.
If you look at the prequels, literally everything is blue screen. Everythiiiiiing, except for maybe some parts in the Phantom Menace. It's even more appalling and obvious when you see the behind the scenes. IT'S UGLY AND LOOKS LIKE A VIDEO GAME. A VIDEO GAME FROM 2002. AGGH.
I went on a tangent, but my point was, while CGI is almost lifelike in the magical year of 2014, I really hope they don't try to substitute it for real, tangible things. Like I get you can't build a functional spaceship, but you shouldn't try to substitute everything with CGI if you don't have to. CGI can be neat when used to enhance things (e.g. Titanic) or it can look like a stupid video game off your PS2.

3. that lightsaber is really fckng dumb
http://prntscr.com/5bc1a0
Is that a... Is that a god damn crossguard? A laser crossguard?
I... I mean, I suppose that would be useful. There's been like four surprise amputations with lightsabers in the series total, and real swords have crossguards for this sort of thing, so you don't get your fingers cut off. But it looks dumb, and it's made more dumbererer by the fact that I know this shot was supposed to make me jizz my pants. I'm not jizzing my pants. I want someone to cut off the stupid tiny lightsabers protruding out of your hilt.

4. TIE-FIGHTERS
MILLENNIUM FALCON
AGGH
The presence of TIE-Fighters shooting at the Falcon makes me think that the Empire is still kicking. Which might normally make sense, but isn't this like, 30 years into the future? The Empire still hasn't crumbled 30 years after the destruction of the Death Star? The Rebellion still hasn't been crushed or worn out? What is happening? I'M SO CONFUSED

5. I heard the old actors are coming back
a). why
b). no, erally, why
I get that we all love their characters, but they're crusty old men now. Crusty old men and a reaaaaaaally crusty old woman.
I'd be really happy with Luke as a Ben Kenobi-type character, to serve as a mentor figure to a new protagonist (like the son of Han and Leia, maybe?)
But anything more than that, and ehhh. Harrison Ford is as old as my grandma. I don't see him being much of a rougeish smuggler these days. And let's just say that Leia ain't exactly able to rock the slave outfit anymore. I'd be happy to see her act like Aunt Beru, and extremely displeased to see her walking around on the Millennium Falcon acting like she did when she was in her 20s.
All of these are distinct possibilities, because you can never underestimate the power of the Dark Side cash grab.

tl;dr I hope with all my being it's good. At the same time I'm prepared to hate it with every fiber of my body.