Seeking Calmer Waters [Closed]

A heavy sigh escaped Acornstar as she sat on the border of the Sunningrocks, almost hidden among the bushes that lined where the rocks met the forest. Technically she knew there was no harm in her being on Sunningrocks - as it currently stood, RiverClan and ThunderClan were allies... But for how much longer, it remained to be seen. She stared down at the river, listening to the gently lapping of it as she waited for Perchstar to make an appearance - having asked a passing RiverClan patrol to fetch the leader for their long awaited talk. She wasn't sure what to think, what to expect. Her mind couldn't help but keep drifting back to the Gathering, of the poor attitude she had held and how disappointing she must have been to Perchstar in that moment.

How could the sleek, longest-reigning leader think anything but poor thoughts towards her after her abysmal handling of the situation with Wolfblossom? How could any of the leaders think she was fit to be Mottlestar's replacement after that? She was obviously not Mottlestar and even now, after having gained her name, lives and the approval of StarClan - the small leader among them - she felt... Like she couldn't. She wasn't Mottlestar and she would never be no matter how hard she tried. It was the bitter truth but what was left to see was how she would handle her actual leadership now that she had regained her senses and gotten the harsh truth of where she had to grow from the very Stars.

...Even now, she wasn't sure what to think of what would happen. She didn't want to ruin the alliance, not after what Perchstar had meant to Mottlestar but perhaps she had sealed it the moment she had chosen to reveal to the entire Clans what had happened instead of holding her tongue and letting the truth die with the fallen leaders. She would do her best, but also knew that as things stood... She could not offer her Clan to the same defense that they had offered - even if SkyClan seemed ill at ease to consider seeking revenge for Birdstar's death in their content attempts to paint themselves the victim. Her Clan needed time to recover, to regain their strengths and if trouble came for RiverClan...

It wasn't easy, she didn't like it - maybe they could find a middle ground that would keep their alliance safe but... She twitched her ear, steeling herself. She couldn't be the cowering, grieving 'leader' she had been at the Gathering. She had to be better - she had to be a proper leader. And so she waited, hoping that Perchstar would answer her summons so they could know where they both sat.

Perchstar had been expecting a visit from Acornstem, so she wasn't surprised when Dovetail came to her with the news. She'd been having a slightly better day than normal--more lucidity, and fewer nightmares--which made it easier to get up and walk alone to Sunningrocks. However, she had some difficulty preparing herself for the disappointment she knew she was going to face. Mottlestar was gone. She wouldn't be there. And even if the talks went well, and the alliance continued... it wouldn't be the same. However nice of a cat the new ThunderClan leader turned out to be, it would always be an unfair comparison. They wouldn't be friends. Not in the same way she had been with Mottlestar. It was a bond she had taken for granted, and it was now one that trailed behind her like an empty shadow.

It didn't take long for her to arrive. The early newleaf warmth ought to have made this outing a pleasant one, but the best she could do was using the comfortable temperature to stave off the grief waiting just outside the edges of her consciousness. She would be a leader in this interaction. She would regain her strength, her neutral mask, if only for this conversation. When she made it to Sunningrocks, she saw Acornstem waiting there... sitting behind the border. Instead of on the rocks themselves. Perhaps she didn't wish to overstep any perceived boundaries, but it felt more than anything like an indication of what was to come. The unprecedented alliance, the bonds between the two Clans, couldn't stay in the way that it was. Her veins could not ice over any colder; the physical confirmation of her suspicions did not affect her outwardly in the slightest. If that is the way it will be, then that is the way it will be. Whatever works best for RiverClan.

For her part, Perchstar stepped onto the rocks, allowing their surface to warm her pads as she sat. No matter how the conversation went today, this territory would remain RiverClan's to access. There was no doubt about that. But she took her spot, and offered a dip of her head to the leader opposite her. "Greetings, Acornstem. Or is it Acornstar now?" Her face and voice were perfectly emotionless and calm. Even though it felt almost dizzying to sit here, across the border where Mottlestar ought to be, and see a light brown pelt rather than tortoiseshell. Nearly as if the friendship they'd shared had never existed. With one flick of her ear, she wished the stubborn thought away. She could do this, for her Clan. "Speak. What's on your mind?"

Acornstar took in a deep breath as she saw Perchstar arrive at the border, slipping into the river to cross in the graceful way that was known only to RiverClan before reaching the rocks to take her seat. She wasn't sure how she expected this to go - how she wanted this to go. To somehow keep the alliance supported would perhaps be the best, but she wasn't sure if it was a possibility - if she could live up to what Perchstar expected out of her. As the leader spoke, she dipped her head as she tried to find the words to speak.

"Its Acornstar, I received my lives a few sunrises ago," she meowed, curling her tail around her paws to hide the nervous shifting of her weight between them. She had rarely spoken to the other higher ranks even as deputy, Mottlestar had always lead those talks and she had never even been invited outside of the one time Birdstar and Wolfblossom had stormed the camp seeking justice for Trufflesnap's actions. But as the sleek leader called for her to speak her mind, she had to find the words to speak. "First...I wish to...Apologize. My actions at the last Gathering was..." she drifted off, before she sighed heavily. "Of that of a kit. I realized that soon after, that I allowed my grief and rage to control my tongue and I understand you likely do not think highly of me - and I...I do not blame you. I wouldn't have been surprised if the Stars had turned me away after such a performance, but they had other thoughts," she admitted with a shrug of her shoulders, an almost tone of bitterness that they had thought to make her leader. Even now,  she struggled to agree with the idea that she was meant for it, 'born for it' like Firefly had proclaimed but... This was her role, she would do her best.

"But that brings me to why I - we - are here. The alliance between our Clans was formed by you and Mottlestar and now that she is gone... It falls upon me to test the waters so to speak. I respect you, Perchstar. You are the type of leader that...That I will never be - calm, collected...Willing to do what is needed and I have no doubts that you...You do not respect me and if it is the case, I am not surprised. But I do want this alliance to continue - for the prosperity of both of our Clans... For how much you meant to Mottlestar. But the simple truth is that I can't offer you the same thing that Mottlestar did," she sighed, shaking her head as she stared down at her paws. "Not only because I am not Mottlestar, but because... We had agreed to aid you when you called upon us and we did... And the cost was..."

Her expression darkened, whiskers twitching as she sank in a little on herself as her ears fell. "You won - you got what you wanted but we paid the price. But I do not blame you - and I am not even sure if I blame myself anymore for failing to sway Mottlestar away from the battle. Mottlestar made her choice, she knew the risk and it was paid. If you called upon our aid and I felt my Clan strong enough to help, perhaps I would but... What I had not liked about it all was the timing. We had barely regained our territory, we were still preparing and safeguarding our lives when... We are not as strong as we were. We lost our leader, a promising warrior and...And a beloved Clanmate all in the same day. Predators stalk our territory, having taken the life of one of our newest warriors in the last moon."

There was a long pause as she swallowed her grief, thinking of all of the cats who had been lost recently. It was the way of their life, her Clan was not special in losing a warrior but to lose so many in such a short amount of time... "...This is all to say, if we renew our alliance, I cannot offer you claws if you need it. We didn't just lose highly respected and promising cats, but took a heavy blow to our will as we all find ourselves grieving these terrible losses. ThunderClan needs to focus on ourselves, to rebuild our strength and safeguard our future. Past that... I want to make this work, I do but I understand if you would rather... Not link yourself with me."

Acornstar. So she had gotten her lives after all, then. Perchstar dipped her head in acknowledgement, but other than that, she stayed silent and listened. The apology for the actions at the Gathering was appreciated; it was not something that she could understand, exactly, but she supposed that in hindsight she could sympathize. Her own path to leadership had been rocky. She hadn't cared for Jaystar in the slightest, and she'd been lucky to have the support of her Clanmates, but taking power at the tail end of the Dark Forest's reign had been difficult. If she'd had to deal with the death of cats she cared about at the same time... well. She did not exactly begrudge the display of emotion. It made sense, for cats who could feel and express things normally. Still, she remained silent for now, letting Acornstar talk. And she certainly did have a lot to say. Talking about respect and whether it was mutual, talking about the current flux of their alliance... talking about the war.

"You got what you wanted, but we paid the price."

It took all of Perchstar's self-control not to bristle at the implied blame. Even if Acornstar backtracked after she had said it, it was clear what she truly thought. What most of ThunderClan would have thought, with the minor exceptions of the cats who had been there at the battle and offered her brief comfort--unless that, too, had been an act. It hadn't been enough. Nothing she could have done would ever been enough. Yes, she had asked Mottlestar for aid, but ThunderClan had their own issues with SkyClan to sort out. With no RiverClan interference, the war might have happened, as like as not--and Mottlestar might not have been avenged in that case. She could not be blamed for the sickness nor the journey to the other lands; her promise of war had been to herself, and so she'd had to fulfill it. Waiting longer would only have given their enemies time to gather strength. The other cats who had died, of predators and sickness, were also not RiverClan's fault. None of it--in even the greatest technicality--was Perchstar's fault, not in any case other than the fluttering of a butterfly's wings. But Mottlestar had still died. That was the gulf that lay between them, widening irreversibly, and it appeared that they would both be unable to cross. Whatever foolish hope of true mutual respect that Perchstar had harbored slowly began to dwindle. She had known that she could no longer find a friend across the border... but she had not known to what extent she would have to retreat.

"I cannot offer you claws if you need it."

There it was--what all of this had been leading up to. Their alliance, of an unprecedented strength and mutual trust, crumbling between them. The most important agreement of protection, dissipated in the wake of its strongest advocate. Mottlestar... I am sorry. I do not want to abandon your Clan, but this decision is not solely mine to make. Perchstar kept the neutral calm on her face, but the stones beneath her paws suddenly no longer felt as warm. As if a cloud had crept across the sun and darkened the very newleaf that they had all waited for. What little remained of the true bond of friendship she'd had... it could not remain. The word "beloved" briefly entered her consciousness and then left as quickly as it came, sharp and agonizing in its brevity. She closed her eyes. This one moment... she would allow one moment to mourn. Then, the sunlight would leave for good. Mottlestar was gone.

"I see." When Perchstar reopened her eyes, any emotion that had previously been fighting its way through--hurt, frustration, loss--vanished. Pure neutrality. After all, this was a conversation between two leaders, not friends. No vulnerability. She couldn't bear to open herself up to another pair of fangs... and Acornstar had decided that she was not worth the sacrifice. I promise you, if I could trade Mottlestar's life for mine, I would. But she did not give me that choice... and now, both you and I suffer the consequences. She spoke slowly and clearly. "If you cannot offer me what Mottlestar did, then I cannot offer you what I offered her. It is as simple as that. I will lay aside the accusations of blame and grief--they are of no import. This is a conversation of our... former alliance's terms." Her torn ear flicked. As the word left her mouth, she hated it. "If your Clan is not willing to hold up their former end of the bargain, then ours must be retracted as well. From now on, RiverClan will be the sole owners of Sunningrocks, both for hunting rights and being allowed to use them. I will not share my territory with a Clan that claims only the benefits of an alliance and none of the sacrifices."

There was little more to be said. She could explain herself further, but would it even be necessary? Their alliance had been one of trust, respect and safeguarding, offering defense against the miscarriage of justice. But now that ThunderClan had nothing to offer in return--nothing but a vague promise of goodwill, which they both knew was easily shattered--Perchstar could not be benevolent. She could not be a benefactor at RiverClan's expense. The sharing of Sunningrocks had been a major change and a large vulnerability on her part, and she had only been willing to extend it when Mottlestar's love and support came on the other paw. Now, the territory would be back where it rightfully belonged. If this was a deal-breaker even for Acornstar's goodwill, then so be it. "I hope that this is not the end of peace between our Clans. I bear you no ill will. But if you are not willing to give support, then you cannot receive it." It was only through sheer force of will that she kept her back straight, kept her ears swiveled forward instead of back. I'm sorry, Mottlestar. "Please inform your Clanmates of the borders reverting to their former state, and exactly why they must do so. Any trespassers will be dealt with according to the extent of the law. My Clan and I will not be overtly hostile to yours, but an alliance in name only would be just that. There is little point in retaining the title when it would not mean anything. If you have any issues with me or my Clanmates, I hope that you will take it up with me peacefully. But in the meantime... I have nothing else to say. Unless you have questions."

Disappointment crossed Acornstar's face as Perchstar finally spoke - the answer clear. Their alliance was over. She wasn't that surprised, she knew it was a risk but she had hoped that there would be something they could work out even if, at this moment, ThunderClan couldn't risk themselves if trouble had come for RiverClan. It still  hurt, knowing that Perchstar wasn't even willing to consider any other path for their alliance to perhaps exist in some way - truly she must be desperate to cut ties with ThunderClan now that Acornstar was leader. "Of course," she finally replied with a small, worn smile. "Sunningrock is yours, I had no intent to fight you on it if things had ended up this way. My Clan will be informed," she responded evenly as she tried to keep the utter disappointment from her voice. "I do not wish ill-will towards RiverClan and should any of my cats prove to disregard my orders, I hope you will inform me so punishments may be had. That being said...I do hope that once ThunderClan finds its paws again - when our strength has returned and we are certain we are safe from the grief in our hearts and the predators in our territory that we can speak again of these terms - to renew this alliance properly." She wouldn't hold her breath thought - no doubt ThunderClan was a weak link with her now at leadership.

...That was it, she supposed as she started to push herself to her paws before she stopped. She had almost forgotten in her disappointment but there was other things that required Perchstar's attention and an offer she had to make. "...There is actually two other things we need to speak of - the first is something I'm unsure if Mottlestar had spoken to you of with the war pulling our attention towards it," she meowed, staring at the leader. "When we arrived in our camp after our moons away, we found multiple cats waiting for us. One of which you already know the fate of - Vipershade, or Nightstalker as he was known before Mottlestar accepted him to our ranks. One of these cats however... Was one of yours. Sleepycloud - a she-cat who had disappeared many moons ago to my understanding. She found a mate with one of our warriors, Stormsong who had likewise disappeared. The timing of their relationship is something I'm not fully aware on... But they came to seek a place within ThunderClan together as Sleepycloud was expecting kits and were accepted. The kits have been born and the family has settled in and while Sleepycloud shows no desire to return to RiverClan, the fact that she now lives within our camp is something that you deserve to hear from me personally."

Why did Acornstar look so disappointed? Had she truly expected for Perchstar to continue giving ThunderClan all their current privileges if she backed out of their end of the agreement? The RiverClan leader had used up all of her sympathy accepting the apology for the display at the Gathering; Acornstar being disappointed with the results of her own choices was none of Perchstar's business. The other leader said something about possibly re-entering the alliance when they had more strength. That was a problem for the future; Perchstar would not worry about it right now. The alliance had ended when Mottlestar's corpse fell mangled at her paws. As much as she hated it, she could not do anything about it without putting RiverClan in jeopardy, and that was the last thing she wanted to do.

Before she could turn to leave and escape her unhappiness with this interaction, Acornstar spoke again. Perchstar turned around, giving her attention once more--but this was not a conversation she'd expected to have. Nightstar--or Vipershade, she supposed--had not deserved her care nor pity, and so she had given him neither. Dying on the battlefield was as honorable a death as he could have gotten, and she did appreciate him saving Littlesplash, but a nod towards the heavens was as far as that relationship went. She did not care about the tom. However, it seemed that he was simply a segue, because the next name to leave Acornstar's mouth wasn't one Perchstar had heard in more than a year. "Sleepycloud?" Owlshriek's daughter, alive? The last of her former Clanmate's line had died out with Hawkshriek's unfortunate death at the lake territories, or so she'd thought. But Sleepycloud had been alive this whole time? And... now she was living in ThunderClan?

Well. I suppose the apple does not roll far from the tree.

Some part of Perchstar could not help but feel betrayed by Sleepycloud's absence. Not only the fact that she'd left without a word, leaving Poppyshine to mourn her for moons, but that when she'd resurfaced she hadn't even bothered to inform them. She had simply traipsed across the border with her forbidden mate and left her former Clan, to whom she had sworn an oath of loyalty, behind without a second thought. To hear that she had "no desire to return" only worsened the sting. Perchstar had been kind to allow the heavily pregnant Mapleleaf into their Clan, and Sleepycloud herself had only been given a place to live because of RiverClan despite bearing WindClan blood. To flee to ThunderClan without even caring what became of her other family members... her brother who had died while believing she no longer lived.... Only Perchstar's long moons of practice kept the unhappiness from showing on her face. Her shock faded, replaced again with neutrality. "...Thank you for telling me this. I had thought her dead, as had her family. Since she apparently does not care for the ties she left behind, this will not affect our relationship with ThunderClan. I appreciate the knowledge... as bittersweet as it is." Certainly, Acornstar could have had more tact in delivering the information. But perhaps she did not care. Perchstar would do her best not to care, either. Remembering the time that she had napped alongside the kit in her den would only worsen the deep ache, so she dismissed the painful memory. How am I supposed to tell Poppyshine? Why hadn't Mottlestar told her--? Well. Probably because of the war. And so everything came full circle, she supposed. The gray-and-white she-cat sighed and flicked an ear. "You said there were two things. What is the other?"

For what little was it worth, Acornstar was blissfully unaware of how poorly she might have been wording things. Her head was abuzz with everything, still struggling to come to terms and show an effort of strength despite how tired she still was. Her mind wanted to drift away, to focus on things other than her duties but it hadn't been her luck... She had almost forgotten about the second thing until Perchstar brought it up.

"Ah...Right," she started, shifting on her paws as her gaze fell towards the ground that separated the two. "I...I mentioned this in passing at the last Gathering during my... Rant," she started carefully - for her own sake - thought she winced at her own mention of her previous actions. "But we lost more than just Mottlestar and Vipershade that day. We...We lost their daughter, my mate - Firefly. It...Its something Murkyrip...Murkyriver should know, that her sister has passed away and... And an offer with it." She straightened up, taking in a deep breath as she lifted her gaze to stare at Perchstar. "I do not put blame on Murkyriver for leaving ThunderClan and I can only hope that she has found a truly happy place at your side. However... Her family is buried on our territory, at the Owl Tree so...If she wants, I will grant her permission - with an escort of a ThunderClan warrior - to visit the grave site once to say her goodbyes... If only so that she may truly serve your Clan without regrets."

After the shock of learning that Sleepycloud still lived, and the hurt of knowing she had not cared enough for her family to even let them know about her decision to abandon them, Perchstar knew that the second piece of information would not be quite as earth-shattering. And her assumption had been correct. What little information broke its way through the numb neutrality was a brief pang of sympathy for Murkyriver. The she-cat had already learned of her mother's loss; the similar loss of a sister would only deepen her grief. Not that the stoic warrior ever showed much of her emotion. Still... this would somehow not be the most unpleasant piece of news she would have to give. She did not relish it, but she would do it. Mentally she added Murkyriver to the list of cats she would call to speak with her once she'd announced the general news.

"I appreciate the information, and the offer," Perchstar said, her voice completely without emotion or tone. "I am unsure of whether Murkyriver will accept it. I will ask her and, if she agrees, she will wait here at Sunningrocks for an escort." This had been a productive meeting, though not a pleasant one. She'd hoped beyond hope that not all of her alliances would fall apart, but... she supposed that the fateful discovery of Beechfang had truly been the end of both of her friendships, the real one and the fake. It felt as if everything she'd worked for had begun to crumble beneath her paws. Even her Clanmates. "If you see Sleepycloud, could you tell her--" She'd begun to talk without thinking. She cut herself off with a sharp shake of her head. "No, never mind. I do not want to know." Acornstar had said there were two things. Both things had been told and acknowledged. Perchstar stood up, no longer feeling the warmth of the Sunningrocks. Three very heavy things had been added to the weight on her shoulders; it was a wonder she could get up at all. A kinder cat would open up and empathize with Acornstar's loss of her mate, but Perchstar could no longer express any emotion without the rest following behind it, and a cat who could not see beyond her own borders did not deserve the vulnerability that such a declaration would require. She could have the empathy of her Clanmates. Perchstar's own heart had stretched too far and too thin to expend any more care. Ice-blue eyes looked one last time across the river. "I wish you good health," she said. "Please inform your Clanmates of the borders reverting to their natural state. Trespassers will be punished as usual. Aside from that, I hope our relations can remain peaceful, if nothing else. If you ever need to speak to me again, wait on your side of the border and inform a patrol. I am always open to discuss anything necessary. Farewell." And with that, barring any protests from her fellow leader and former ally, she would leave. She had a lot to tell her Clanmates.