i am in dire straits and there is no escaping [C]

Silverhawk
T3 Warrior | ShadowClan | he/him

Ever since his foolish, mouse-brained afternoon spent with Bubblebeam, Silverhawk hadn't been able to get her off his mind. She plagued him; possessed him. Whenever Bubblebeam came to mind, he felt the need to press his claws deep into the marshy ground in mimicry of gripping her between. She enraged him. He would devour her, the next time they met. And when would they meet again? Silverhawk hoped it was soon, but then-- why did he care so much?!

Silverhawk's tail lashed once and he got up from where he'd been lying. He'd finished his duties some time ago; now, he just needed to go for a walk. He needed to escape his own nagging thoughts, try to run out of the constant burn under his fur. Was it shame? Was it triumph? He couldn't tell. For once, he refused to let his paws carry him toward the Highpine. He needed to get away from his own nagging thoughts and always-burning pelt. But as he began to move toward camp's entrance, a figure caught his eye: Pineblossom. For some reason, the sight of her stalled his paws. Silverhawk stumbled a step, looking scornfully toward the ground before glancing toward his adoptive mother again.

She didn't look busy... but would it be a bother, if she was trying to rest? Silverhawk shook out his coat. He didn't need to talk to her anyway. He could sort his own problems out. He could sort his own feelings out. But even when he tried to turn away, Silverhawk felt a tug at his chest. He clenched his jaw until his teeth began to creak, trying to will his suddenly-stony paws forward, but they refused to budge. Chill washed over him, but Silverhawk shook it off. Shifting directions, he padded over to Pineblossom and gently whisked his tail across her shoulder as he drew close. "Hello," Silverhawk said gently. "Do you want to take a walk with me?" He began to turn away before she could respond properly; though it was an effort in hiding his face, not a sign of eagerness. A quick breath through his nose, and Silverhawk added, "There's something I want your advice on."

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Pineblossom

Pineblossom half-turned her head when Silverhawk brushed against her and beckoned her on a walk with him. Perhaps it was mother’s intuition, but she had a feeling that this unspoken thing that he needed advice on was a little more important than something like how best to teach Wolfpaw how to catch a toad. She replied, “Of course,” and shifted her trajectory to follow him back out of the territory.

She wondered what would be weighing on Silverhawk’s mind…Perhaps something to do with Hawkmist, who she saw him with all hours of the day. He was more attached at the tail with Hawkmist than she had been with any cat in her own lifetime. Perhaps they had an argument of some kind. She knew from her talks with Nightstalker how swiftly those could get out of paw. Or perhaps it was something more of concern with the clan itself, or the family…Pineblossom knew better than to wonder during their short walk. She would not know until Silverhawk spoke it himself, but she couldn’t help but still wonder.

“What is on your mind?” she asked after they had moved a fair length away from the camp.

ShadowClan • Tier 5 • She/Her • 70 | 160 • #6699ff

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Silverhawk
T3 Warrior | ShadowClan | he/him

Silverhawk was grateful, at least, that Pineblossom agreed readily to walking with them. He only wished it was still cold enough to watch his breath billow so he would have something to focus on while they walked, rather than just watching his own paws hit the ground. His eyes didn't have long to wander before Pineblossom spoke up beside him. An ear twitched and Silverhawk found himself looking away still anyway. He stared out into the marsh, watching mist rise off the muck. What did he even say? What could he say, that wouldn't sound deranged? Silverhawk's ears pressed low, perked up, then half-slanted again. "I don't know," he sighed eventually, paws drawing to a halt. His tail swayed back and forth in a rare display of hesitance. Silverhawk hated how easily Pineblossom could tempt him into vulnerability just by being nearby. ...though he was somewhat grateful he had someone to speak with at all, and too hung up on other things to care terribly now.

"What's wrong with Hawkmist?" The question came out as a barky laugh. "Being around him makes me so angry! But he's my best friend. But I just want to rip his fur out every time I'm around him." Oh, why was he saying any of this? Pineblossom was going to think him insane. He still couldn't bring himself to turn and face her. The pit of his stomach was starting to curdle, realizing he'd trapped himself in talking; but now that he started, he wouldn't be able to stop. "I hate him. Not all the time, though. He's still my best friend. He just makes me claws itch, and-" now he'd gone and done it, let cursed Bubblebeam cross his thoughts while he spoke, "...and another friend, too."

Pensive eyes finally slid back, searching for Pineblossom. Silverhawk looked toward her muzzle rather than seeking the direct line of her gaze, afraid of what he might find if he did. "Is that how you're supposed to feel about friends?" A buzzing voice in the back of his head prompted him to ask Pineblossom if that was how she felt about Forestbreeze, but he boxed it away. "I hate them both," he spat. His lip curled like carrion had been smeared on his tongue with his next words: "I think I like them too much."

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Pineblossom

Silverhawk had always been a bit odd certainly….but this was something entirely outside of her wheelhouse. She blinked a couple of times as Silverhawk spoke. Is that how he was supposed to feel…? No. No she did not think so.

Pineblossom hesitated in choosing her words. There was a prolonged silence before she finally managed to come up with something to say. “It is not common. Those who you like are typically not those that you point your scorn towards…I suppose anything is possible. I am not in your head. Is it truly hatred that you feel, or is it…”

She paused. She had never felt anger or fury towards Forestbreeze, but she had felt it on his behalf. Was it possible that those protective feelings were being redirected somehow? Or…if not being redirected…then at least, jumbled up. Silverhawk spoke as though the feelings in his heart were stronger than any he had felt before. She knew that Silverhawk was not exactly close with other clanmates as he was with Hawkmist. (Or, apparently, this unnamed friend. She’ll ask him about that later.) If this was something stronger than platonic friendship, perhaps it is just so odd and foreign to him that his brain is supplying other strong emotions he is used to, like anger.

“…Or is it love?” Pineblossom finished bluntly. She could be wrong and Silverhawk will tell him as such, but she had seen the way the two of them spend all of their time together. “Sometimes the nature of one’s feelings can get lost in one’s heart. Do you see Hawkmist as simply a friend or do you wish for more?” There was no judgment in her voice; not even teasing. It was just a straightforward, honest question from his mother.

ShadowClan • Tier 5 • She/Her • 70 | 160 • #6699ff

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Silverhawk
T3 Warrior | ShadowClan | he/him

Pineblossom's quiet was hair-raising. When she didn't respond in a heartbeat, Silverhawk figured his best course of action would be to announce he'd suddenly figured it out and march away. She was judging him. He knew she was. Two heartbeats and Silverhawk was convinced she now thought him insane. Pineblossom reviled him, he was sure of it. His heart choked mid-beat. When she finally answered, Silverhawk's mouth immediately turned dry; his tongue, coarse and rotten-feeling. He cast his attention back into the marsh in an attempt to disguise the frustration and subtle hurt that wanted to surface. That was just a gentle way of saying he was a lost cause. Silverhawk's tail started to curl between his hocks, suddenly hit with the rare instinct to curl in on himself and disappear entirely.

Then, Pineblossom spoke again.

Silverhawk's ears stood up. His tail unwound and brushed lightly over the mud. Love?! He wanted to laugh at her, but the sound wouldn't come out. Neither would any mode of protest. Silverhawk settled for a quiet "tch" and screwed his eyes shut in a scowl. Since Pineblossom had supplied the word for him, it seemed, of course, the absolute truth; as if she had swept a paw through stormy skies, allowing bars of sunlight to sink through to his pelt. As if it had been that simple. Then why did Silverhawk feel sick and combative?

"Love him? No!" He finally said. A bit begrudgingly, he opened his eyes and looked at Pineblossom again. There was no resentment in her eyes, thankfully. Some of the tension eased out of his shoulders. "I said I can't stand him. Didn't you hear me?" But didn't the idea of more, whatever more meant, make his head feel light and dream-filled? Being able to say mine, knowing Hawkmist was his and his alone, was equally tantalizing. Silverhawk wanted. He wanted Hawkmist.

His tail whisked back and forth. A tertiary voice entered his head, echoing "mine" in breathier tones. The memory of it made Silverhawk's hackles ripple, but he was quick to push the fur flat. "I don't love Hawkmist," he repeated staunchly. Because if he did-- if the torrid, violent thoughts shared between Hawkmist and Bubblebeam meant love... no. Silverhawk shook his head and narrowed his eyes. No, no, no; he'd accepted friendship, he'd come to peace with being cruel enough to let her love him. He would not admit to loving (the word made him want to retch) Bubblebeam.

She was of another Clan, anyway. The point was null. Hawkmist was the sole concern. Even though Silverhawk desperately, selfishly wanted Bubblebeam all to himself, even if that meant abandoning her family for him...

Bite me.

His tail lashed once. "That's not how you feel about Forestbreeze, is it?" He sniffed as if that was the winning move in some imagined argument. But then his ears tilted back, and his eyes swept down to his paws again. A minute passed before he scoffed and jerked his head to the side to sourly mutter, "And how am I supposed to know if it is, anyway?"

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Pineblossom

There it was. Pineblossom knew how to read her son. She’d known him since the literal day he was born, even if he was not hers biologically. She knew a lot of his looks and glances so well that while his words insisted that he did not love Hawkmist, that he was not in love with him—she knew. She could tell. Pineblossom understood that that was what was going on here.

Still, she let Silverhawk play his little scene and do his little dance. She watched him with veiled amusement as he continued to insist.

“That isn’t how I feel, no,” she agreed, “but I do feel similar things. I feel protectiveness for him. I have heard the phrase ‘so cute I could eat you,’ and while I never understood it, it is something cats have said.” Perhaps that was what this was. Just a very…very…very intense version of that cuteness aggression. She would address that another time. “But if you are truly uncertain, let’s talk through it.”

She smiled a little. “Do you want to spend a lot of time with him? Do you want to perhaps spend the rest of your life with him if you can? Does the idea of being away from him put you a little on edge, perhaps? Do you feel alone when you aren’t with him? Then there are the more overtly romantic things: Do you wish to groom him often, more than just traditionally sharing tongues? Or would you be happy possibly raising kits together in the future? When you imagine growing old, do you picture him at your side in the elder’s den?” Her eyes crinkled a bit. “Not all of that is guaranteed to be romantic love. I’m sure that there are close platonic relationships that can feel similar. But there is always a difference between friendship and romance. Do your feelings for him differ strongly from your relationships from say…” She paused. Pineblossom honestly wasn’t sure who else Silverhawk was really close to, which made this comparison difficult to make. She settled for finishing with, “From any other friend?”

ShadowClan • Tier 5 • She/Her • 70 | 160 • #6699ff

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Silverhawk
T3 Warrior | ShadowClan | he/him

He was still focused on his paws, but Silverhawk could practically hear the smile that lingered in Pineblossom's eyes when she responded. There was a knowingness to her explanation that he wanted to sneer at, because he refused to believe she could see through his admittedly poor attempt at defenses, but-- but if anyone could, it was always Pineblossom. He wanted to withhold the grimace for her sake, but his expression twisted. He hated when things made sense, and this-- this, curse everything, made sense. He'd argue that Hawkmist wasn't cute but radiant, handsome, and beautiful; but that would only make Pineblossom's point, not his own. And whatever the adjective, Silverhawk did want to eat him whole, consume him so Hawkmist could be part of him forever; and, stars-blast-her, Bubblebeam too. Bubblebeam almost especially. Silverhawk's tail lashed again.

At Pineblossom's attention to talk through things, he looked up. Silverhawk frowned back at the smile he'd correctly guessed the presence of. His mouth briefly parted, but Pineblossom was going on; and on she went. Her questions came one after the other and they made Silverhawk feel a bit dizzy. He wanted to drop gracelessly back on his rump, but he stubbornly remained upright in spite of the fine tremor now running up his legs. The answer to everything was a yes, of course: he already spent most of his time with Hawkmist, and of course he wished they would spend their lives together; of course he felt empty without the familiar, grouchy presence before. And stars above, the idea of either of them raising kits sounded horrific-- for the hypothetical kits' sake, at least --but Silverhawk realized with a bit of horror that he didn't mind the thought.

And again-- for the love of StarClan, Silverhawk swore he would kill her next time just to get her out of his head --Bubblebeam invaded his thoughts. When did he start to care less about half-breed kits? When in the Dark Forest did he start to think she was someone he could start a family with?!

Silverhawk shook his head hard to clear his head. Pineblossom's final question was almost the worst one. Silverhawk didn't have any other friends to compare Hawkmist to besides Heatherberry, who was beyond not counting, and Bubblebeam. His whiskers twitched several times and he was quiet with contemplation. Eventually, he snorted, "Obviously I want to spend time with him. Being with Hawkmist is all I do outside of patrols and training." A beat, and he added, "And I don't want him to go anywhere." He almost included I won't let him go anywhere, but Silverhawk kept that line to his tongue. "Don't ask about kits again, though. We'd both be terrible fathers.

"But-- just--- yes! Yes, to everything." He blustered out. Even though he had no qualms with holding these feelings for Hawkmist (beyond the fact he simply couldn't act on them), the admission immediately made his fur burn and his stomach clench. Then he was quiet for several minutes, gnawing at his tongue with consideration. "No. I don't feel like that about any other friends," he finally, slowly, muttered. "But I don't have any other friends! I just..." He wanted to hesitate, but something was itching in the back of his head now that wouldn't let him stop. Curse this whole affair! "I have one other friend, and I- well, I don't feel the same about her. I want to shred Hawkmist, but I'd say she's 'so cute I could eat her.' It's-- it's different." He scuffed the ground with a paw while his words fumbled. "So then what am I supposed to do?"

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Pineblossom

Pineblossom already knew she was right the entire time was it was vindicating to show just how right she was. Silverhawk’s frustration was rather cute, like a kit throwing a tantrum. She knew it was quite serious for him so she wouldn’t tease him more than she already had. It was hard to come to terms with one’s first love. She remembered how it felt to realize just how much she loved Forestbreeze and tell him as such. Pineblossom was glad that she could be a guiding force for her son as he navigated these new feelings. It was something she never got a chance to do for Honeylight.

“Well,” she started, “you can always talk to them about it. Some cats do take on multiple mates. Just a couple of leaders ago in ShadowClan there was Murkystar who was mates with Mistyfalcon and Batglow. Multiple mates is not for every cat but potentially Hawkmist would be open to it if you just talk to him. And this other cat you mentioned.”

Now her curiosity got the better of her. Silverhawk dodged mentioning this she-cat’s name several times now. It made Pineblossom wonder just who she was. There were very few she-cats in the clan that she could imagine Silverhawk would be even remotely interested in.

“Who is this other cat anyhow?” she asked, head tilted and eyes gleaming with a mother’s curiosity. “You don’t have to be so shy, Silverhawk. I promise I won’t go and embarrass you if I know who it is.”

ShadowClan • Tier 5 • She/Her • 70 | 160 • #6699ff

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Silverhawk
T3 Warrior | ShadowClan | he/him

Silverhawk blinked. His ears flipped down, upright, and down again; he blinked, again. There was a look of surprise, incredibly simple yet just as profound, sprawling over his expression. He'd never even considered taking multiple mates as an option. Anyone he'd known to have one only had just that--one. Besides, he knew Hawkmist didn't have it in him to share. Neither of them did. Bubblebeam, maybe, but the two of them? Silverhawk almost scoffed outright. "Hawkmist would kill me for mentioning it," he muttered and scuffed the marshy ground. That end was almost more preferential to sorting out his feelings, but... pah. Silverhawk just shook his head.

He knew bringing Bubblebeam up was dangerous, but he still thought he could get away without Pineblossom asking too much. He was proving more and more to himself that he was barely smarter than a kit. Silverhawk looked toward Pineblossom, with her head tilted and eyes shining, and let out a snort-- half-amusement, half-resistance. "She's nobody," he puffed, his own eyes rolling with disregard. "Nobody you know, at least." His tail snapped back and forth again. His jaw squeezed tightly shut and Silverhawk ground his teeth together until the creaking sound filled his head. Eventually, slowly, he bit out, "...Her name is Bubblebeam."

Silverhawk snorted and batted a paw at the mud again. At least, if he were to violate the Code, his sights were set on another Clanborn warrior rather than some rogue filth. But still-- his eyes turned to Pineblossom again. There was something rare and pleading in his gaze, a quiet beg not to reject or implicate him. "She has the good sense of a mouse. She has no self-preservation, and she just talks and..." What was the point in announcing her flaws, perceived or true? Who was he trying to convince-- himself or his mother? "...And she's nice." His tail folded up against his flank again. Quieter, "You'd probably like her. She's... a little like Swiftheart."

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Pineblossom

Bubblebeam…Well that certainly confirmed it. Pineblossom knew no Bubbebeam in their clan. So he had gone and fallen for another clan cat…She felt a brief pop of anger in her chest, but he pushed that away. Happiness was rare for Silverhawk as Pineblossom noticed, and if this Bubblebeam made him happy, then he would be happy for him. But she would not allow him to break the code; there could be another way.

“First—I don’t think Hawkmist would kill you for it. If he does not like the idea, then that is fine. But he may surprise you. Especially if this Bubblebeam is as nice as you say she is.” She lifted her chin. “Secondly…I hope you don’t need me to tell you that a romance with a cat from another clan is the stupidest idea you could have, so I hope that you have not considered that as a possibility since this realization this afternoon…However.” She sighed for a moment. It felt complicated to lay out, but she would do most anything for her son’s happiness. “If I can meet her, at the border or at a Gathering, and I like her, andshe is agreeable to the idea—I can talk to Leopardstar about allowing her into the clan. Only then would I give my blessing. Otherwise I expect that you pursue nothing beyond tepid interclan friendship with her, understood?” She stepped forward and brushed her shoulder against his. “So stop being so indecisive like I was at your age. Tell Hawkmist how you feel. If you think Bubblebeam would be happier here than where she is now, then we can see about that too, whether or not you pursue her. Alright?”

ShadowClan • Tier 5 • She/Her • 70 | 160 • #6699ff

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