i remember who all this was for (c)

After returning, Perchstar had slept for hours. There had been no dreams--no nightmares--nothing. The moment she was safe, her body took the chance to shut down completely, offering her as much rest as possible. But a moon's worth of exhausting travel, near-starvation and endless stress couldn't be slept away in only one night. She awoke feeling no longer like she would collapse immediately, but still tired. She did not awaken in a dark Twolegplace alleyway as she had momentarily feared. Her return had not been some fever-induced dream, after all. However, she was not in the leader's den either. She was in the nursery. An unfamiliar, almost uncomfortably soft nest surrounded her form. The tiny forms of her kits were snuggled so far into her that she could barely see them. So they had not been some kind of hallucination, either. All of it had happened.

She would have gone back to sleep, if not for the loud rumbling that suddenly echoed in the nursery. Hopefully no one had heard that. Perchstar tried to stand up from her nest to go grab a fish, but realized that her shaky legs had gone completely numb in protest. Two days without eating or hardly drinking had certainly taken their toll. And it would be difficult to untangle herself from the grasping presence of her kits, as well. She let out a quiet sigh, trying to evaluate what she needed to do. As leader, the thing she wanted most was to jump headfirst back into her duties that had likely been neglected for so long, and take some weight off of Poppyshine's shoulders. Poor Poppyshine probably needed rest even more than she did. However, as loathe as she was to admit it, she needed at least another day to recuperate. So... how was she supposed to rest and feed herself and her kits at the same time?

Perchstar's conundrum was solved at the appearance of a familiar, friendly face. A face and voice that she had missed so dearly for the past moon. The first one to greet her when she'd returned. The same cat she had just been thinking of. "Poppyshine," she murmured. Instinctually, she tried to stand and greet her friend, before remembering the numbness of her legs and the kits clinging to her. She settled back down as her friend approached and pressed close with a warm purr. The sensation was one she realized that she had missed. Perchstar had never quite figured out how to purr. It seemed to be an expression that came from a feeling of warmth and joy--feelings that often escaped her, no matter how content she might be. But the sudden feeling that struck her heart at the closeness of Poppyshine almost made her understand, only for a moment. It was... comforting to know that her friend was right there. Of course, Poppyshine darted out quickly, having heard the embarrassingly loud rumble of Perchstar's stomach. But thankfully, she was back just as fast. There was no chance to protest... and honestly, she did not want to. The fish was too appetizing to think about anything else. All her other worries and thoughts, as well as any pretense of dignity, were temporarily forgotten as she ate.

She had nearly finished the fish by the time that Poppyshine spoke again. Perchstar wanted nothing more than to listen to her friend--but even the first words that she said required some immediate response. "You shouldn't have to," she insisted quietly. "I... I know that my circumstances are not ideal. But I would still like to resume my duties, if possible. The Clan has suffered long enough without me. I am very grateful for your help in my absence, but I know how difficult it is to do so many jobs at once. You did not even appoint a temporary deputy, did you?" It would be unlike Poppyshine to even admit the possibility of Perchstar not returning, though it would have been the most logical thing to do to take some weight off her shoulders. If she didn't want Poppyshine to work herself to the bone again, she would need to step in. The last thing she wanted was for her friend to collapse of overworking herself on her account.

The deputy spoke again, and Perchstar quieted herself to listen, taking another bite of fish. It was refreshing to eat real food again after surviving off of nothing but rats for so long. Right... I nearly forgot about the Gathering. It must have been odd to be leaderless at Fourtrees. Poppyshine must have given the announcements... was the deputy's spot for RiverClan simply empty? Hopefully the other Clans would not assume that they were weak. Perchstar's ears pricked up slightly at something that her friend mentioned. Birdstar had been... worried? "You--told them? You said I was missing?" Her question hopefully did not sound quite as concerned as she felt. She disliked letting the other Clans know when they were struggling. If it had been just Birdstar or Mottlestar, that would have been a different story, but if she had announced it to all the Clans.... Well, she supposed it didn't matter. No one had attacked them, or Poppyshine surely would have told her. She took a breath to calm herself down. "I guess it should be all right. I'm back now... hopefully I am well enough to go to Fourtrees this moon."

Being short on paws was not something that surprised her. RiverClan had lost many warriors and not gained many more apprentices from when she had been gone, it seemed. "Yes, I see that some of the kits have yet to take their ceremonies. Have you appointed any new warriors in the meantime? Rowanpaw was due for his, and I think Darkpaw and Toadpaw were well on their way." She stopped herself. None of this was truly important right now. "I trust your judgement on everything that you have done in my absence. It's just that... I've been gone for so long... I feel as if everything has progressed so quickly without me." It was an odd feeling. She was normally so involved in everything going on with her Clan, so to be gone for an entire moon with no news of them was alienating.

However, Poppyshine's warm words soothed her anxiety-raw nerves. It was... comforting to have her here. To see her. To feel her head resting against her shoulder, to feel the purrs running through her form. It felt as if everything really would be okay. As if all the platitudes she'd whispered to herself for the past moon in a futile effort to keep her strength had finally been fulfilled. "...Thank you, Poppy," Perchstar whispered. "For... everything. For keeping the Clan going in my absence. For not judging me upon my return. For--for not giving up on me, even if I feel as if you should have. Your friendship, and your support--they mean everything to me. They... they kept me going while I was searching for a way home." It was odd for her to say all these things out loud. They choked her throat a little bit, and she tried not to feel embarrassed as she coughed slightly. Hopefully the kits would not awaken. She was... glad to finally have a moment with her friend. It made everything feel real again. "Thank you."

The non-answer on the subject of a temporary deputy was all Perchstar needed to know. However, she did not push. There would be no point. She was home now, and had no intention of leaving again. She also nodded at the explanation of events at the gathering. Though she personally disagreed, and tried keeping as much information as possible, it had not ended badly. She supposed that if she'd been waylaid on ThunderClan territory, it would've been better for her since they knew to look for her. Still... she was glad that her brief travel through the other Clan's lands had been brief. She had not wanted to be any more vulnerable to others than she already was, and giving birth on the territory of another Clan would be concerning at best. Listening still, she finished the last few bites of her fish. Though she felt like she could eat a million more, her stomach was already full. It would take some time to be able to eat normally again.

The next thing Poppyshine said caught her attention. Toadkit had been in the nursery when she left, and... Rowanpaw.... "Rowansong," she repeated, trying out the name on her tongue. "I see." It felt odd, but she would get used to it. It appeared that the night she'd spent thinking about what name would be best to give the fully grown tom had been in vain. She could not begrudge Poppyshine the ceremony of her own son, especially when Perchstar had not been there to do it... but she also could not help but feel disappointed. She had been very proud of who Rowanpaw--song--had grown to be. She had... had wished to be there for it. But that was that. She tried to shake the regret away and pay further attention.

Then Poppyshine was pressing into her again, warm purrs shaking her whole form and vibrating through Perchstar. It felt real. The words she spoke were so reminiscent of dreams that replayed constantly in her head, yet so distinct from them that she wondered how they could possibly contain so many of the same words.

"I love you, so so dearly."

"Not yet. But... I could."

"I could not imagine my life without you."

“Perch...I love you."

"I missed you."

Without realizing it, she kept searching for the warmth of being wanted. Loved. But why was she searching? Why look, when it was right here? Why leave ever when such unfathomable joy was pressed into her side, rushing over her like a calming river current, streaming into her heart with such sudden clarity that it was difficult to keep her breaths steady?

This was different. It was not the same kind of heart-flutter she'd felt twice before. But it was better... a solid, real feeling that she could not deny.

"I... love you too, Poppy." It was with wonder as she said the words she realized they were true.

This was not love. But it was love. The understanding seemed like she'd finally opened her eyes after years of stumbling around with them sealed closed, like a bumbling kit incapable of sight. Why had it taken her so long to realize?

But Poppyshine did not stop there. A cheerful change of conversation topic was enough to momentarily still the sun-bright pause of clarification. "The kits... I..." She felt her ears flattening slightly as she looked down at them. Not because she disliked them--far from it. But because of what they reminded her of. The entire last moon. The sea of stars. The last day. Even with the sudden, hot rush of emotions that had flooded her moments ago, the reminder of everything she had gone through seemed more like a chilly leaf-bare breeze than anything else. She would care for her kits her whole life. But, their father... the circumstances... the reasons she'd feared returning. They all came back with a vengeance. "They were... a surprise to me, too. I suppose that giving birth alone was all I could expect, after missing all others in camp. After missing yours. I am lucky it went so well for me."

She trusted her friend. She trusted her with anything. But to speak of what happened so soon, to have to say it all out loud and remind herself that it was real... it seemed unbearable. The last few words were whispered, barely audible. "Do I... do I have to explain?"