can only be (solo)

After a few hours of wandering through the Twolegplace, as the faint rays of sun began to set and the unfamiliar surroundings were drenched in darkness, Perchstar finally admitted to herself that she was completely, hopelessly lost. There was no landmark she could recognize; no hint, however sparse, of any cat or place she knew; not even any knowledge of direction, aside from where the sun was setting and where it rose. From those, she may have been able to calculate the general direction of where she would like to assume the forest was, but it was nearly nightfall, and she was far worse at calculating the position of the moon than that of the sun. As much as she hated the idea, she would need to find somewhere to sleep.

Of course, she couldn’t sleep in her far-off leader’s den, with her sparse nest and her pathetically nostalgic keepsakes. There was no moss to speak of to build her own makeshift nest, either; the entire Twolegplace had very little green in general. She had no desire to sleep in the house of a Twoleg, however warm and sheltered from the cold it might be. The last thing she wanted was to be forced into becoming a kittypet. She’d rather starve as a mangy loner than take one bite of food from a Twoleg.

But I won’t have to do that. I’ll get home, and I’ll be able to hunt for myself. I will get home. I will get home.

But as the sun gradually vanished over the spiky tops of the Twoleg dens, and the temperature slowly dropped from a manageable chill to a deeper cold, her platitudes seemed less and less comforting. She had no clue of where she was. All that she could really do was wait and hope that tomorrow would bring her better luck.

It took her a while to find a decent place to sleep. She didn’t want to sleep anywhere near Twolegs, or out in the open, or close to any monsters. Every time one roared by, she felt a tremor run through her. Though she didn’t remember the exact moment of impact... just the knowledge that she’d been killed by one of those fiends made her uncomfortable. Not to mention the many hours she’d spent stuck inside of one, feeling its rumbling run up through her paws, as she was sick to her stomach with loneliness and panic. No, she didn’t want to see a monster for a very long time, if she could help it. So she did her best to avoid any Thunderpaths.

Eventually she happened upon a small side path, which was full of old-smelling items and looked like it hadn’t been touched by Twolegs for a long while. It was hard to sort through the many unfamiliar scents. Her nose felt almost raw from the strange smells that had been assaulting it nearly all day. So while she deduced correctly that no Twolegs would be here, she unfortunately didn’t notice the deeply buried scent of another cat. Instead, she simply hid herself within a makeshift cave of strange, loose objects that looked almost like cobwebs, trying to bury herself so far that she would remain unseen and perhaps avoid the cold. Then, to the distant sounds of monsters and weird screeches and howling wind, Perchstar barely managed to drift into an uneasy sleep.

"I-I suppose I haven't said a proper congratulations yet, everything happened so fast. I know that being deputy wasn't something you chose, but I think you were the perfect cat for the job at the time we needed it. You helped keep RiverClan stable during my brother's odd reign, so many cats look up to you too, especially the youngsters. I look up to you also, Perchstar. You've been so strong, so brave...you'll be an incredible leader."

His voice was echoey, as if she was hearing it from a faraway distance. And yet, she could see him clearly right in front of her. His soft, open face. His long gray fur. His shining green eyes, looking into hers with both hesitance and honesty.

"I wasn't the best deputy... There was a lot that I could have done better. There were many things that I failed to do. I've... tried to make my peace with them, though... And I've recognized finally that leading this Clan is something I want to do." She remembered this very moment. The realization that despite everything, she loved RiverClan, and she wanted to do her best for every one of her Clanmates. The realization that she was worthy of leadership. The moment she had ceased to resent her position... for a little while. Everything had seemed so clear, for once. "I truly care about RiverClan... I want it to flourish, and grow. And the best way I can help with that is by taking the position of leader, as strange as it may feel to me."

Was it still true? Those words... did she still believe them?

After everything?

After he was...?

But no, Ashflight wasn’t gone. He couldn’t be. He was right here. She felt his breath on her face, warm, and smelled his scent. He was right here. He was right here.

“What matters is that we use that knowledge to guide us in the future, into new experiences. A new time. I will stand by you, Perchstar, no matter what." He was closer to her, closer, his eyes almost stuck to hers. She couldn’t look away.

”Ashflight...” she found herself murmuring. ”Are you really here?”

"Perchstar, you're my best friend.”

”You would never leave me, right? Not after you promised.”

“Perch...I love you. I have never loved another cat as much as I've loved you, and I-I can no longer keep my feelings to myself. You are the light of my life, the first soul I think about when I wake up and when I fall asleep. Thoughts of you have distracted me beyond all reason; the gleam of your pelt, the sound of your voice, your smile, your eyes...I love every part of you, even the messy things you try to hide.” She had replayed these words over and over in her mind. For moons. For so long. All she wanted was to believe they had been real. “I want... I want to call you mine, so badly. If you'll have me, if you feel the same...will you stay by my side? I know I don't have much to offer, I'm just an average warrior--heck, lower than that! I'm rogue-born, I got into RiverClan trying to steal prey for my siblings. I joined Asylum out of desperation but was too much of a coward to face my mother, I ran away from my home in their hour of need, and it took me way too long to return. I...I'm the farthest thing from the perfect mate for RiverClan's leader, but regardless... my greatest desire is to be by your side."

”Is it?” Her words were nearly silent. She should have felt as happy, as nervous, as alive as when he first said those words. But for some reason, she only felt numb. ”Was it all a lie? If you wanted to be by my side, then... where are you?”

He didn’t answer. He stared at her, eyes alight with such warmth and passion that she felt as if she might burst. And yet, nothing inside of her. Coldness. Deadness. She’d given up.

”Ashflight.” The name was desperate, a final plea to the dead. She wanted him... she wanted to want him. She wanted to be wanted. It felt as if her heart had frozen over completely. ”Ashflight, please. Please. Are you there? Come back. Come back to me.”

He was smiling at her. And yet, he was growing farther and farther away.

”Ashflight. Ashflight.”

He was leaving again. He was leaving her.

Everything was so cold.

Slowly she opened her eyes, fearing the worst. Of course, he was gone. He had never really been there. Not for moons. He wasn’t coming back.

She couldn’t even feel sad anymore. She just felt empty. The sound of the wind whistling through the Twoleg dens echoed in her ears, hollow and pointless. It was cold, but she hardly cared anymore. It didn’t matter. She was alone.

It was so dark.

Ignoring the world, Perchstar closed her eyes again, willing herself to go back to sleep. Perhaps everything would be a little bit easier if she just didn’t wake up.