I Have No Idea What I'm Doing

Batsong had been meaning to catch up with Smallbean for awhile now. She often looked to him for advise, unofficially she viewed him as a second mentor, the mentor she never had for being a med cat. It put her in an interesting spot, the leader was her mentor when she trained to be a warrior and the deputy was her "mentor" of sorts when she practiced to be a med cat. Although under the most formal rules, she never had a med cat mentor and had learned alot of it from the other clans and picked up what she could and alot of hard work and determination on her part


She respected both of them alot (Shrikestar and Smallbean) and looked up to them too. But she sometimes also felt like they were both so much more experienced than her at their roles... like they always knew what to do and meanwhile she was here fumbling around it felt like barely able to save the clan from disaster after disaster. Smallbean knew what he was doing, and so did shrike, but she felt like alot of the time she hadnt the faintest idea if what she was doing was right or wrong or up, down sideways. She felt like of the high ranks she was still the apprentice of both of them... which led to her feeling like she was never sure what exactly she was to do, she knew that she was supposed to be giving them guidence on things too but she felt that she barely knew what she was doing, yet alone be giving them direction on things.

The self doubt that she had cast out long ago was creeping back and it was not a fun mental place to be doubting your every move and action. The recent events had caused alot of this. The earthquake... Starclan had literally told her it was coming but she hadnt enough time to tell or even process it before it happened, she felt guilty like she should have done something different. Then there was Whisperear getting cat-napped by the twolegs, she had been with them since their parents died, practically raised him along with Coyotegrin and now she couldn't protect them. And then too, the most recent events of losing Daisybreeze, a warrior who died to defend her and she couldnt even save them back. All of this ate away at her, what was she doing? Could she do anything right like smallbean or Shrikestar? Her mentors had put alot of effort into training her and she felt like so far she had led them to nothing but disappointment after disappointment.



She spotted the deputy a little ways off and hesitantly went over to him only after seeing that he wasnt busy or anything.


"Smallbean? c-could you help me ermm... sort some herbs?" she asked looking to her paws as an excuse...

The med cat went into her den with the deputy... oh right... she had sorted all the herbs already this morning she really should have thought of a better excuse to talk with him... but she felt bad wasting his time to just straight up ask to talk to him with nothing to actually do. It was so much easier to ask for advise when their was something both of them could work on and talk with while doing so.

Great job Batsong, now you are wasting his time and look like you are losing your mind all in the same go... wanna do anything else stupid while you are at it?? she harshly told herself in her mind.

She gave a little sigh. "w-well I g-guess the truth is I n-need your help and advise on alot b-bigger problems than that..

she said glancing at him, "if you have the time.. I k-know how busy you are she quickly added wide eyed.


She settled down clearly very flustered, once she somewhat clamed down she attempted to explain,

"I erm... I ju-just feel like I have n-no idea what im doing" she said suddenly.

"S-starclan t-t-told us ahead of time this earthquake would happen and we c-couldnt stop it and then, her voice was wobbly,

"I c-cant even save my clanmates Smallbean, w-w...what am I dd-d.d-doing!?

"I dont know how you and Shrike are able to do it, know what to do all the time, know how to fix everything and where and what to go she shook her head slowly,

I d-dont even know what S-starclan wants half the time, yet alone w-what I want

She thought back to the December med cat meeting... what that poor Riverclan med cat must feel like... She understood it somewhat, being put into this position and not having a mentor anymore. Smallbean had always been there for her as a temporary mentor of sorts but it felt unfair to dump all this on him while he also was holding down a busy deputyship during a very difficult time.

She shook a little shaking her head, "That wa-wasnt all meant to ... I didnt want to unload all this on you,


She was nervous to meet his gaze, worried she would find disappointment, that the cat he had spent so long training was crumbling under this and that she had failed over and over and over.

Smallbean was by himself when Batsong had approached him. The deputy glanced upward, meeting Batsong's downcast eyes with his own. "Oh, um. Yeah, sure." Her demeanor was reserved, something that he didn't at first question - Batsong was often shy in nature. But the silence that followed them as they walked to the medicine den set a bad feeling in Smallbean's gut. Even if shy, Batsong was almost always positive or ready to say something. Then, when they entered the small makeshift den, all of the herbs were already in their right place. Puzzled, he closely watched the medicine cat, hoping she would provide some explanation.

The medicine cat broke their silence with a sigh, and Smallbean only sat, giving her a simple, "Oh... Don't worry... I have the time." It took no more than a heartbeat for the tom to figure out what could be troubling Batsong, she'd been there when Daisybeeze had passed to Starclan. Even he found himself grieving the death of the warrior, despite not having been incredibly close to her. The least he could do for the medicine cat was lend an ear to listen. Mirroring the she-cat, he sat down and wrapped his tail around his paws, a worried look creeping onto his features.

Smallbean often saw himself in Batsong, something that he resented. He resented the fact that she had to worry and could do nothing about it, something that he was all too used to. It was moments like this that made him realize it. The medicine cat poured out all of her worries, and he did nothing but listen all the way though. It wasn't just that he wanted to let her talk, but also that he needed a moment to think of how to respond. The thing was, he didn't really know what he was doing either. He was taking it day by day, making his duties to the clan his main priority. Beyond that, he didn't have any aim or goal. If it looked like he knew what he was doing though, even if only to one cat, it made Smallbean ever so slightly more confident in his actions. This wasn't about him, though. Batsong was clearly in emotional anguish. Both because she had asked him for help and because he knew what it was like, he wanted to provide some kind of comfort, if he could.

"Batsong, there was no way we could have known about the Earthquake. Even if we did, there's... nothing, nothing that we could have done to prevent it." Or it's victims. He decided that part was better left in his head. "And... Daisybreeze..." He paused and looked away, like he was in deep thought. He took a different approach with his words. "Something you'll learn as a medicine cat is that... is that you can't save everyone. No matter how much you want to. Some things just can't be helped- And it hurts, Batsong, it really does. Starclan knows it does. But you can't linger on it forever. It'll do more harm than any wound." The tom fell silent, gaze dropping to his paws. "There's no way to know what Starclan wants. Sometimes, it seems like even they don't know what they want. But it's okay not to know, Batsong. It's okay not to know what to do sometimes."

Batsong found his words very comforting somehow... The fact that her deputy also didnt know what he was doing completely all the time would usually worry her. But she somehow found it comforting in a weird sense that someone else knew what she was feeling on some level or another. He was also just trying to do his best for their clan and that was all anyone could really ask of them she supposed. Still, there was a great amount of guilt she felt that she was a failure to her position and she had somehow let everyone down, even if maybe Smallbean was too kind to say that directly.

She knew he was right, this did hurt more than any wound... She wondered if he had encountered a similar thing while he was med cat... so long ago. Before she was even born. Best not to ask him of such things, she wouldnt want to have to reremember how she was feeling right now. She closed her eyes briefly.

"Smallbean, thank you for l-listing to me here and now. It r-really does help" she purred quietly.

And it really did help... him having had a med cat position in the past made it easier to talk with him and he understood her a lot too.

She rested against him for a couple seconds, just glad to have him around for support and for someone to talk with about things. They were both in this leadership for their clan together.

She felt like she had no family left, and she didnt.... not after Whisperear was taken by those twolegs.

But even with no direct family, her clan was still here and she would fight her bestest to keep it that way too!

She felt alot better already and didnt want to be too much of a downer for him either... she wanted to do something to get their minds off all the loses that they had all gone through recently with their home being taken from hem and many of their clanmates also taken as well.

She sat next to him for a bit just happy for his company... hmm

"Truth or dare smallbean?" she asked him quietly a little grin and a flick of her ear. She was a shy cat indeed but ever since she was a kitten she had a little streak of mischievousness as well. It was an inocent mischievousness, nothing mean or evil. But it was moreso a playful and curious mischievousness

"Of course... I'm glad I can help." Smallbean had never considered himself to be good at reassuring those in distress, so if he was able to help Batsong feel better, even in the slightest, he was satisfied. The medicine cat seemed a little bit calmer now, his words must have really provided solace for the medicine cat. Solace enough that she changed the conversation into a game of truth or dare. A puzzled expression crept onto his features, shocked at the sudden contrast in Batsong's behavior. "Huh..?" Was she trying to lighten the mood? He had prepared himself for a heavy discussion, it was now swapped with participation in a kit's game. It wasn't something to complain about though, he enjoyed the light-hearted energy, something that he noticed a lack of within the past few moons. It was just... surprising. "Um.. Truth." He sighed, wondering what Batsong had in mind.

She was glad he agreed to play, there had been so much wrong with the clan that it was gonna be nice to just be able to relax for a bit . Besides it was good to be able to bond with clanmates. She tapped her paw a couple of times squinting while trying to think of a good one…

Hmm umm… y-you were med c-cat for awhile. You ever f-find someone attractive that you c-couldn’t do anything about? Ohh or maybe you did do something about it? she asked with a curious tilt to her head … it was great, like being kits all over again playing truth or dare late into the night past their bedtimes when the queens all thought they were asleep.

“Oh and umm d-dare for mine” she purred softly not wanting him to reverse this question for reasons of her own

"No... I didn't." He furrowed his brows, gaze averted and clouded with regret. His response wasn't a lie... He wasn't a medicine cat when he'd met Cedarheart, nor was he one during the events that had followed. The deputy suppressed a frown at the memory before raising his gaze to the medicine cat. Batsong's question sparked suspicion. Had she been interested in someone? Anxiety tugged at his stomach, only slightly. Starclan was nothing to be messed with, he only hoped that it wasn't the case.


Realizing that it was his turn to ask a question, he quickly tried to come up with something on the spot. "Um... I dare you... I dare you to..." His attempts to produce a dare were fruitless. If he was being honest, there wasn't really anything he wanted to see the medicine cat do. Even when he was a kit he'd never possessed the playfulness he saw in Batsong, not enough to be practiced in this kit game. Eyes tracing over the den's interior, his gaze rested upon the stacks of herbs behind the medicine cat. "Uh.. I dare you to um- eat two Ragweed leaves." Slowly, he gestured to them with his paw. Normally he wouldn't suggest such a thing, considering that it was leaf-bare and nearly all herbs were in low supply, but Batsong had seemed to have a fair amount and they had no harmful side affects.... apart from being bitter. As bitter as they were, though, he was sure Batsong wouldn't have a problem with them, she was probably far used to swallowing herbs no matter how bitter they were.

Patiently waiting, he declared his next move. "Oh- um.. Truth."

Luckily, ragweed was actually in super good supply since it grew in rocky areas and well .. they were in highstones right now.

She nodded agreeing to her assignment of sorts and grabbed two of the leaves from the pile and munched on them.  They were bitter for sure but she was used to eating them all the time, used for strength and stamina, it was somewhat common for her to use in traveling packs if needed.  Lately they were right next to the moonstone though so there hadnt really been a need.

She munched some more and finished the leaves.

Hmm it tasted so bitter... so earthy kinda?  A bit like a grain maybe... kinda like a seed that mice would sometimes hoard up but more stringy than that and the stem of it was not fun to chew around.

It shape of the leaf was kinda fun though, it was a cool looking leaf with lots of little parts that jutted out.  The effect it had was pretty immediate, leaving her fealing much more energetic and ready to go though.  It definitely did its job.  It made her feel wide awake and ready to go do a practice spar or maybe go clean out another den or something.  The aftertaste kicked in a little bit later and the aftertaste was even more bitter than the original.  But also kinda in a refreshing way?? It was so common to just eat rabbit and hares that it was kinda a nice thing to eat this in a weird sorta way.  Not something you would wanna have every meal but maybe moreso for variaty.  

Imagine only eating meat of rabbits, this allowed for a new flavor and taste to enter her palate...


hmm so he hadn't felt anything for anyone when in this role?? Hmm well that was good she guessed.  But she was a little disheartened by it somewhat... cause she deep down did kinda care for someone.  She did care for them... but she was med cat and she couldnt act on anything she felt which was very difficult but something she did every day.

She admired this person, but kept it at just that.  If she were not bound she knew it could quickly turn into a love but she tried very hard to suppress these thoughs.  While she was med cat she would never actually take any actions on what she felt.

But it was so difficult to do that.  But she did suppress them and no one knew that she felt this way. And she planned to keep it that way, she also planned to never take action on them either.  

This job demanded so much of her already, late nights already to keep things running smoothly and dont even mention her warriors getting all beat up too.

It demanded as well that she couldn't love or be loved, that was probably the hardest part.

He was super fun to play this game with but also a bit dangerous to play with as after all this game was all about truths... because she for one didnt really wanna eat more herbs... The ragweed tasted good but only in small dosages and she had hit that limit.

She couldnt imagine a better clanmate to play this with though... and also to she couldnt imagine a better clanmate to want to spend the rest of her life with.  But that was something that the stars would not allow and was just a distant far out of reach wish that would never come to pass.  She knew it was not worth dreaming over.  So she burried these thoughts again hoping they would be content to never raise again.  However, other ideas were being thought about as well... ways to make it maybe have a chance of coming to fruition.  She had been talking for awhile here and there with her clanmates... scouting out possible warriors who might want to one day become medince cat. Yes, she had been looking.  And although she had kept telling herself she was looking to be sure that the clan would always be ready... she knew that subconciously there was more going on than just that, she was planning options, options of her possible replacement if she decided she ever did want to make that leap and quit her position to ask Smallbean if he would ever want something like that.

She had asked leading questions to Fuzzface already to see just generally if he would be interested in herbs... it was a maybe from him... She had asked sleepyhollow and she said she would if the clan needed it... Batsong wondered if she would do that... she had been interested in herbs... granted herbs about poison but herbs none the less.

If smallbean ever showed intrest in maybe wanting this with her... a life together, then she would step down from med cat. She wouldnt risk them having a forbiden thing. It wasn't fair for the clan. And as med cat she was not going to put herself in that spot. It had been hard enough when she had a FR when she was a warrior and couldnt imagine doing it as med cat. It was something that IF she ever asked him about and IF he ever said yes she would only then step down and be with him...

But that was all things far far into the future and things she would waste no more time thinking about now, besides, Birchpaw was so close to getting his full name and she wanted to be sure he was ready for anything she could still give to him

She smiled back at him flicking her tail a little.

"hmm ... I want you t-to tell me the truth ab-about this...

she said tapping her paw against the ground
how did you kn-know it was the right time to come back and be a warrior and not a med cat when you returned?  What m-made you know it was right to leave being me-med cat behind? she asked the questino was about much more than this game. She wanted to know in his opnion, how she would know it would be an okay time to maybe step down if these things ever did come to pass. Sneaky Batsong, clever Batsong.

All the while she held a gentle smile poker faced reviling nothing at all

Smallbean watched with curious eyes as Batsong picked up the leaf and swallowed it without protest. Stillness befell them, but only briefly. When Batsong finally spoke, his eyes flickered over to her, piercing her with a particular uncertainness. The silence felt so much louder now, it seemed even the sounds out in camp had subsided to a hush. The air within the den had suddenly grown solemn and heavy, Smallbean didn't know if he wanted to stay. The way she had begun made the deputy think that the was serious, she wanted a response. Nothing left his closed maw, leaving the space she had opened empty. He hadn't moved a muscle, only observing the medicine cat until she spoke once more, portraying his awareness through his fixed gaze.

"I didn't. I never got a choice." He said simply, once she had continued her statement. "I was taken - a long time ago, when I was medicine cat. Twolegs got me while I was out one day." It was something that brought a sense of bitter familiarity to the clans' current situation. "When I finally came back, after many moons, there was already another cat in my place." Smallbean didn't know how he felt about his removal from the position. It wasn't something that he'd ever felt the need to mourn once he'd returned - he'd had plenty of time to think while he was trapped with twolegs. It was something that he was forced into against his will, even if he did begin to grow comfortable with it near the end of his time in the medicine den. It was a topic of conflict, yet he only ever stated it as a matter-of-fact. He was the medicine cat. The fact that he didn't feel remorse for it now, though, must be a sign that he was simply never meant to be medicine cat for long. It wasn't what he was meant to do, he supposed. "When I came back, it was sorta just... silently agreed that I'd become a warrior. It's.. not a bad thing, though. I'm not... unhappy, where I am. I guess it was just a different stage of my life. One that I had to move on from."

The deputy's suspicious grew, finding the questions that Batsong was asking concerning. Considering how she had began the interaction, Smallbean's worry had risen. When the opportunity came for him to propose a question, he took a chance. "Are you... thinking about stepping down?"

Batsong listened carefully to his answer nodding a little as he spoke to let him know she heard and cared about it.


Smallbeans question however caught her off guard.  That was a complicated answer one she was not the most eager to have to fully face yet.

She wrapped her tail tighter around her front paws thinking for a bit.

"Not r-right away n-no she answered quietly.  The clan still needed her in the role for awhile longer despite whatever her personal feelings were.

"b-but maybe one d-day if certain things were to ... h-happen and l-line up she stuttered glancing at him.

She heavily considered leaving that as her answer.  She had answered the question mostly... but just hadn't answered it with the entire of everything.


"S-smallbean?" she whispered.  She could feel her heart pounding more in her ears, the nerves were really getting to her... was she really gonna do this? ask him this?


Several times she almost backed out but she took a deep breath and just went for it, not thinking fully just winging it.


"you actually m-m..might determine that answer more than I r-r..really" she said nervously glancing briefly at him before back down to her paws shyly.

"Ya see I uhh.  w-w..well I ... the truth is smallbean that I c-care alot about you.
And r-right now its just that, just c-c..caring and n-nothing more.  I c-cant allow it to be anything more than that. B-but if I w-weren't m-med cat I think it c-could grow into something more." she said quietly slowly working up the courage to look him in his mismatching colored eyes.

"I l-love being medicine cat, r-really I.  I love healing my clanmates and l-looking after them.  R-really I do and t-there isn't m-much in this world I would trade th-this job for.  B-but I m-might if I k-knew you f-felt the same way about m-me that I do for you.

She couldnt belive she was telling him this... med cats were not supposed to feel this way... but she hadnt done anything wrong yet.  She had not broken any codes.  All she was saying is that if he had feelings for her she would consider returning to a warrior to be with him.  She had already had one forbiden romance long long ago and was not keen on repeating that.  She would have one or the other this time... Smallbean or Med cat... well if she even got the luxery of picking that was... she looked at him nervously ears held back a little wondering what his response to that shocker would be...

She didnt really fear rejection as much as that would be heartbreaking, she feared moreso anger ... would he be mad that his medince cat would even suggest such a thing?  She hoped not.

The seconds that passed afterwards felt more like hours as she had to remind herself to breathe.

Although Batsong denied stepping down, Smallbean was still worried by her response. It implied that she would be leaving her position for a reason other than retirement. That was alright but... the way she delivered the line sparked a lick of anxiety within him - it would only be a matter of time until it erupted into a blazing fire. She turned to look at him, but he couldn't bring himself to meet her gaze. Her words were separated and hesitated, more so than normal. Things to line up. The tom would have questioned her further on what this meant, but she was answering the question before he was able to even ask.

As she interjected the silence with more filler, his heart began to pound louder. He didn't like where this was going. He didn't like it at all. The more he listened, the more unpleasant he felt. Within moments, it was revealed, she got to her point. His heart sank. Why of all cats did it have to be him. A sickening feeling crept into his belly as he tried to push out a response. "Oh. Um..." Tears threatened to drip from his eyes. Nothing else about his outwardly appearance gave away his inner turmoil... apart the tremors that occasionally wracked his body as he struggled to keep it all in. Within the blink of an eye, with the communication of a few words, he was overwhelmed with emotions that he forgot he could have. It wasn't sadness, though. He didn't know how to describe it. It was a wild concoction of unpleasant emotions.

Fear and uncertainty clouded his gaze. His heart pounded in his ears and he felt like he couldn't breathe. She said she cared. He cared about her too. Not in the same way, though - at least he didn't think so. He got what she meant. The same mistake wouldn't be repeated again. He had to say something, it couldn't happen again. "I'm sorry.... um. I need... I need to think about it." Still refusing to meet her gaze, he stood up, turning towards the den's entrance. "...Goodnight, Batsong." The words were quiet over his shoulder as he exited the den.

Upon stepping out into camp, greeted by a slight winter breeze, pleasant against the heat of his coat, paired with the heat of his own emotions warming his skin. The setting sun hung low in the sky, not yet touching the horizon. It casted long, dark shadows across the snow-ridden moors. Half of Windclan's camp was engulfed in darkness. A million things rushed through his head as he walked in the direction of the camp's entrance, dragging his paws behind him. What did she even see in him? He wasn't tall, or brave. He didn't like to fight, he wasn't a romantic. They had a few common interests. Was that enough?

Smallbean had never thought that another cat would have an interest in him, far less, Batsong. The fact that she was willing to cats aside her position as medicine cat war jarring. As much as he didn't want her to, and as much as he felt bad for leaving her behind right now, he needed to figure out how he felt. What he wanted. His happiness.

With only a soft mumble to a nearby warrior, letting them know where he was going, he exited camp, emerging onto the vast moors. There wasn't much to look at this time of year, it was bleak; merely a sheet of snow covering everything in sight. It was good. With so little to look at, he could be alone with his thoughts. It was exactly what he needed right now.

Batsong had expected him to maybe be upset or angry or something like that.

Expected maybe he would tell her no simply that wasnt what he wanted.


And any of these she would have been fine with.


But what she got was somehow even worse, he just looked like the worst feelings were hitting him and Batsong closed her eyes tight...

Seconds later he was darting out of her den leaving her alone. She stood there not really sure what to do next. She understood wanting to think it over and truthfully if he did want this she would have to as well, to really make sure that the clan was ready for her to pass the med cat title on to Birchpaw. She loved being med cat and based off his initial response... she kinda was thinking she wouldnt have to part ways with her job after all. He had almost looked physically pained by the suggestion of them being together which saddened her a little but that was okay. He had to figure out what it was he wanted to, that was only fair she figured.

She tried to stop thinking about it and just focus on her work but that led nowhere really