Fear (Closed)

As the days passed, Snowpaw steadily improved— physically. Her memory, on the other paw, stayed the same. Moons upon moons torn away. She could make new memories fine, but they didn’t always register quite right, as over and over she was surprised by how much cats had aged, or by new names and faces that didn’t make sense to her.

Still, she was making improvements. Her face and leg were still scabby, but her ear was pretty much healed, although a chunk would always be missing. Slowly, she’d started standing up, though everything ached. Soon she was limping around, first in the medicine den and then around camp.

Snowpaw was losing weight, though. She wasn’t eating like she should. Deep down, she felt like she was only sinking further into the muck of her situation with each improvement she made. She could see it in the way other cats looked at her, or didn’t for that matter. Some couldn’t even seem to bear looking her way. They were mourning Snowfoot. Snowfoot was someone’s mother, mentor, sister, friend. If Snowfoot was here, everything would be right. That it was Snowpaw instead was the wrongest thing in the world. She had to bring her back somehow.

Today, finally, Fuzzybelly had cleared her for a walk outside camp. She had to take a warrior with her, though, and she couldn’t go far. That was okay. She had somewhere in mind and it wasn’t too far away.

And now she was standing before Swiftheart. “Hey, um, Swiftheart,” she mewed. “Fuzzybelly says I can go for a short walk, and I was wondering if you could come with me. I was going to ask Marshmallow, but she’s on patrol.”

Swiftheart's ears flicked at the sound of pawstepts approaching. Looking over, her good friend Snowfoot was coming over... well Snow didnt really remember she was snowfoot and thought she was still snowpaw. The memory was fading and Swiftheart really was not sure how it was, and who or what all her good friend remembered

Swiftheart wondered a little what she should be calling her and settled on just using snow.

"yes, I would love to join you Snow! she purred raising to her paws. She walked along side her as they went out of camp.

"its nice out here she purred quietly watching the leaves from their non pine trees fall down and flutter in the wind.

"starting to get a bit cold though... is the med den keeping warm enough for you? she asked

“It’s okay,” Snowpaw sighed. “I mean, other than the fact I’d rather be out training. I’m no use to my clan like this.” She stopped short upon seeing a beautiful blue jay feather on the ground. Gently, she picked it up. Snowpaw took the lead just slightly and soon arrived where she intended. Her mother’s grave. Last she knew, she’d still been visiting on a regular basis. Wobbling a little with the odd angle, she stuck the feather quill-first into the dirt. She sat in silence for a minute, then spoke. “Swiftheart, do you think she’s watching from StarClan? I know she wasn’t a clan cat, and she probably doesn’t care about me anyway. She’s probably just wishing Snowfoot would come back.”

Swiftheart couldnt help but to remember that Snow and her had a very similar conversation at this same place awhile back ... when Snow was first reliving the hard times of losing her mother. Swiftherat had tried so hard ot be there for the younger molly, to be an older sister of sorts and comfort her in her times of losss. Now, looking at her friend she felt terrible that Snow was having to relive all this again, that the relive of closure was ripped away and that the pain was now back all over again.

Swiftheart slowly sat next to her friend watching her place the feather carefully down.

The question snow asked was similar to before as well. Swiftheart the first time said that indeed she did belive that Light was watching from heaven... but did she still belive that now?

Swiftheart's faith in starclan had been put to the test lately, she wasnt sure of anything anymore it felt like. Sometimes she lay awake at night wondering if the stars were even real, was starclan there anymore and if they were... did they care?

Deep down, Swiftheart still belived, she always belived even if times it was so difficult.

She drew in a shaky breath. "I .. I dont know. I... I have been having trouble keeping good faith in starclan of late she said quietly. She fought back tears she wished that she could have given her friend more hope like she did last time but the truth of it was... Swiftheart was not sure anymore, she didnt know if light was with starclan or not. She used to be so sure but now?

She rested her tail getnly on Snows shoulder "but if she is up there I know she is still looking out for you and cares about you deeply she said quietly.

"just as I do. I'm always gonna try and be here for you but I cannot control everything, she looked to her friend slowly with a slight smile that was somehow sad at the same time

"your mom made a promise that she would always be there for you, she wasnt able to keep that here in this lifetime but beyond Swiftheart looked up to the sky

"I think she still is there for you yes. swiftheart said more confidently this time.

"I do think she is up there and is always looking out for you even if she isnt here here

She chose her next words carefully as she could wanting her friend to know that she was always gonna do her best for her
"I dont wanna make promises of alwyas being able to be here for you snow... I may also be called back when my time here is done. But I CAN promise that while I am here, I am always gonna have your back

Snowpaw leaned into the older warrior and purred. “Thanks. To be honest, I’m right there with you. It’s hard to believe in anything when your whole world disappears.” Then she grew silent for a moment. “Wait… hold on… does this seem familiar to you? Have we had this conversation already?” She stared into space for a few seconds. “Okay yeah we totally have, I’m so so sorry, it’s gotta be annoying to be asked the same question again like that.” She was talking faster than usual, backing away with her ears pinned. This was so embarrassing.

Swiftheart gave her good friend a nuzzle as well as snow leaned into her.

Swiftheart nodded a little in answer to snows question if they had this before. "similar things yes, she answers.

"no, dont feel bad or embarassed she quickly added on, "you remembered it, so that is good and maybe its getting better. And also, I never mind trying to comfort and help you