A little honesty (Closed)

To be frank, Nightstar never really knew what he was doing, and he had ideas for how things were meant to be that was for certain. But there was a lot lost to time, and to the events that happened in his life that prevented him from the opportunity to truly learn how to be a leader or a deputy for that matter. Nightstar went from a warrior to a deputy and then leader within just a few moons, even less actually co-leading with Froststar. There was such a gap in his knowledge that would have been filled if he had a normal ascension to leadership, but that wasn't the case, and while it was obvious to him, it hopefully wouldn't be for the rest of his clan.

He was always a natural leader, but that wasn't enough for him. There were lessons that he'd never been taught, and he had to learn them. But this wasn't all just about him, Leopardsun would suffer for it as well. He wouldn't be able to teach her how to be a deputy, or how to be a leader, all he could hope for was that she'd learn as he learned and that he'd live long enough to be able to give her a whole wealth of knowledge to use when she became a 'star if she survived that long that was.

But there was one thing he could do for her, he could be honest in his naivety to the position, about his uncertainties, and tell her that he was learning just as much as she was now. He feared that she'd respect him less for it, knowledgeable Nightstar in all his glory and unwavering certainty admitting to her that he was not all he had made himself to be, and that was terrifying. This was for Leopardsun, he had to do it for her because if he didn't, he'd be setting her up for failure wasn't he? Breathing in and out to calm his nerves, Nightstar poked his head out and looked for his deputy, spotting her doing some work on the barriers, he padded forwards and called for her, "Leopardsun, if you're not too occupied, could you speak with me in my den?" he didn't leave her time to respond however and was quick to return to his den, it wasn't an optional request despite the phrasing, and his scurry back made that clear he was sure.

Truthfully, Leopardsun wasn't busy at all- whenever there was a lack of something to do, she threw herself into minor camp repairs and reinforcements; never letting herself keep still for too long. If she kept her paws busy, there wasn't as much room for her mind to wander, so she made sure there was always something to focus on. Even if it didn't really need doing, it was still something to do.

So Nightstar's veiled demand was a welcome distraction. She wrapped up what she was doing as quickly as she could- not wanting to leave something halfway finished- before swiftly making her way to the leader's den. She sat not too far from the entrance, looking at him curiously. "What did you need from me, Nightstar? You know I'm more than happy to assist."

The position of deputy had been unexpected. She was still young and inexperienced, and that meant she threw herself into making sure everything was done and done right even more than she had as a warrior. None of her clanmates had ever said anything to make her feel that way, but she still felt like she had to prove she had earned her place.

And, to that end, every time Nightstar called her in to speak she was half-worried that she'd made some mistake; though she put that thought out of her mind. She'd like to hope she'd be able to tell if he was upset with her, even if she doubted she actually could.

"It's not something that I particularly need from you, Leopardsun. I just wanted to make you aware of a few things." Nightstar meowed, making sparse eye contact with Leopardsun as he was battling with his nervousness. "My tenure as deputy, and as warrior before that, was not long, much like yourself. Because of this, I did not get the experience I needed to get from Froststar, and because of the flood and Froststars busy schedule, I wasn't able to get many teachings. I'm sure that this will show in how I lead Shadowclan, in how I make decisions. I just wanted to make sure that was clear to you, as I'm sure that my inexperience may affect you in some way. I cannot teach you how to be a deputy, and I cannot teach you how to take my mantle whenever I leave it. I'm sorry that I cannot pass down any knowledge, or teachings to you." Nightstar sighed solemnly, his cheek fur flushing a bit, bashful and embarrassed that he was even having this discussion with his deputy. Was he not supposed to be confident and knowing?

As Nightstar made it clear he didn't need something in particular, she made sure to listen closely. "...I understand," she said when he was finished speaking. "It's a small comfort if anything, but I'm used to learning as I go. Froststar was my mentor, and even then he was always busy... Between Murkystar's death and the Dark Forest, I was left to work things out for myself more often than not. ...I'd like to think I managed okay on my own, anyway."

Leopardsun had always wanted to follow in her grandfather's pawsteps, and now she was. She might not know where to fit her own, exactly, but she would figure it out.

"The lack of guidance isn't ideal, but... We'll learn together."

She looked to her own paws and then back at her leader.

"Some days I can't shake the feeling that he should still be here, but then I remember... Even if nothing is as it should be, we can't change it now. The past is gone, but the future is always ahead of us- we just have to keep moving forward and doing the best we can."

"I'm... sorry that you had to go through that. That you had to learn like that. That so many cats failed in their roles to teach their youth." Speaking contemplatively, without much ire, they both knew personally how tough every cat had it in Shadowclan at the time. "I understand. Having Froststar gone so soon, so quickly, it's not giving any cat the confidence in their leadership that they need. Or in the stars... despite what they had done. One would have thought that cruelty like that should have been whisked away with the defeat of the dark forest." Nightstar looked away, at the dark corners of his den. "We need to be different. We need to defy every standard set by the ghosts of Shadowclans leadership. We must." The young tom meowed determinedly.

"It is what it is," she shrugged lightly. "There's no going back, and no doing it over again. I think he was proud of me, in the end, and... At the time, that was all I wanted. Even now, really. Funny how even as I get older and find myself learning new things every day, that still stays the same."

It was strange, and vulnerable, to admit that she still wondered if he was watching them. If he would understand she was doing her best, that she wasn't quite trying to walk in his own pawsteps but somewhere alongside them.

We need to be different. We need to defy every standard set by the ghosts of ShadowClan's leadership.

"I believe that we will."

She spoke the words with confidence, though she didn't comment on his mention of the stars; her own lack of faith was something personal, as integral as it was to her thoughts. Kept to herself and to Honeylight, spoken in whispers on sunlit days and starlit nights alike. The stars had failed her, and in her eyes she owed them nothing- but ShadowClan, her home, her Clan, her kin? To them, to the living, she had made a vow to serve and protect them under a starless sky; and that oath, held dear to her heart, she would always keep.

Sentimental as she was, Leopardsun was a practical cat by nature. There were moments meant for musing and moments meant for thinking- this was decidedly the latter, so she shook her head to clear her thoughts and kept talking. "So, how do you figure we go about making things different? What, specifically, needs to change? Where do we start?"