Ruh Roh Raggy! My insecurities! (C)

Iceheart

As sneaky as Nightstalker had attempted to be, Iceheart happened to be in the right place to spot him. She felt concern for her friend, in a similar burning way that she had felt for Ratrunner on a few occasions, and she found her paws moving her outside of camp and following after the deputy. She was slower than him, but it was easy enough to follow his fresh scent until she came upon him far, far away from camp.

“With how quickly you dashed out of there, I would have thought a fox was on your tail,” Iceheart huffed as she approached. “I’ve never seen you so worked up. Did something happen?”

Iceheart

Iceheart watched Nightstalker with a steady gaze. She understood that answer—the slight dodge, the belief that this shouldn’t be discussed now (or possibly ever). Iceheart shook her head. “With all due respect, Nightstalker, while you are older than me, I’ve bested you in battle. I’m not weak.” After a pause, she added, “And I might understand more than you think. Nobody saw you dart out of camp, but I did. It would not be unbecoming of you to speak what’s on your mind.”

Iceheart

Admittedly, Iceheart did not know much about the incident that Nightstalker spoke of. She had heard whispers of it, even had her own worries, but Marshmallow had not proven to be a problem to Iceheart yet, at least. She could understand Nightstalker’s worries, but Marshmallow was still a member of ShadowClan.

“It is alright to be cautious, so long as you do not hold it against an innocent party,” Iceheart mewed. “You said yourself that it has been seasons since the incident. Marshmallow should be allowed to prove that she is not a danger, and I think that you have been doing well with that. You can keep an eye on her, but you are giving her a chance to prove that she is still a worthy warrior. If she breaks that trust, then you may act on it.” Iceheart’s whiskers twitched and she cast her gaze aside for a moment. “I understand fearing that something will happen, but you cannot control everything. You must offer trust sometimes. Clans are not built on a single warrior.”

Iceheart

Iceheart looked up at Nightstalker when he came closer. Her whiskers twitched when he stated that she deserved her name, but when he elaborated, her heart swelled. Iceheart couldn’t put a name to the emotions that she felt suddenly swirling in her chest, only that they made her throat feel choked up like she couldn’t speak and the world swim through a light misting of tears.

She looked down at the ground, her ears flattening, and she tried to blink away the tears before they could be noticed. “You don’t mean that,” she mewed in a quiet voice. “I’ve done nothing to earn such kind words from you, Nightstalker.” What had she done? Been a mediocre council to him now? Even outside of Nightstalker, had she really done much of anything? She’d gotten involved where she didn’t belong with Leafpaw, she’d tried and failed to lead Honeypaw through a safe apprenticeship…Her fur was slowly turning white with every passing season. Even her body knew the frost that she held inside her.

Iceheart

Iceheart kept her gaze trained on Nightstalker’s paws. Her shame was too great to look up at him, even when he insisted that there was no shame to be had. He didn’t understand. How could she tell him, truly? About her slip-ups, or how she’d allowed Honeypaw to be manipulated by Fawnpatch while the Dark Forest was here, or how she was taught by Dark Forest cats rather than kept her loyalty to her clan, or that she was so cowardly that she went along with everything the Dark Forest had to say, or-

“Ratrunner,” she croaked. “He…I…” Her words sounded foolish as they sat heavily on her tongue. She could already hear what Ratrunner would say. I abandoned Ratrunner when he died. I left him behind. Foolish. You were an apprentice. You had no reason to believe you could stay. Why did it feel like every time she tried to tell other cats how cowardly and pathetic she was, they insisted she wasn’t? She came here to help Nightstalker and she’d turned it back on herself. “I’m a coward, Nightstalker. You speak too highly of me.”

Iceheart

Iceheart finally did look up at Nightstalker as he continued to speak. It hurt badly, like claws being driven further into her heart, the more that Nightstalker spoke. She didn’t know what she did to earn such high praise from Nightstalker, but it didn’t feel earned. It felt like a trick. That she had somehow convinced Nightstalker she was worth caring about, when that could not be further from the truth. The more he spoke, the more her body quaked from the confusion and almost anger at what he was saying to her.

When he offered to show her kindness for every reason she thought she didn’t deserve it, she did not take that as an invitation of kindness and love from Nightstalker. She saw it as a challenge, and a means to prove why Nightstalker was so foolish in thinking she was worth anything more than a foxtail.

“When Ratrunner died at the Gathering, I ran away,” Iceheart finally mewed in a tight voice. “I did not try and help, and I did not stay to grieve him. I turned my back on him and I left. I’m a coward.” It didn’t matter if she was an apprentice at the time. Forestpaw had been an apprentice too, and he’d stayed with Ratrunner when he died. Swiftheart and Duskflight had stayed. But Iceheart had run away and become exactly what her name implied.

Go on. Hate me. I know you do, Iceheart thought as she stared down Nightstalker. Ratrunner was someone that Nightstalker cared about so deeply. Iceheart knew that. She cared about him too. So how could Nightstalker still tell her she was worthy of kindness when she could not stay to even provide comfort to her so-called friend?

Iceheart

Iceheart stared at Nighstalker. How could he not hate her? How could he only reflect his own mistakes back at her? He was different—he was older, experienced, there had been circumstances to what happened to him, surely. It simply wasn’t fair for him to compare his failings to hers. But…as much as she didn’t believe his line of logic, he was still trying. He didn’t hate her on the spot, even after something so terrible. How could he forgive her?

Iceheart lowered her gaze down to their paws, feeling meek again after her angry burst of confidence. “No, you are no coward,” she mewed. “You weren’t then, and you aren’t now, either. You’re our deputy, and you’re doing a lot for ShadowClan.” Iceheart couldn’t understand what he saw in her, but she was not going to allow her own depressing thoughts to reflect on Nightstalker. “I’m grateful to have you, Nightstalker.”