The future's in your paws. Shape it well.Roleplay in a cat Clan of warriors. Based off the Warriors series by Erin Hunter. Takes place in an AU before the cats in the books existed.
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Nothing was constant. Not the ground under her feet; not the blue in the sky; not the fur on her pelt. Nothing. Even as Perchfall walked up and down the territory all day, putting herself on every other hunting patrol, speaking with her Clanmates, finishing ceremonies, it felt like the earth would move out from beneath her. It felt like the sky would fall and smother her. She wished it would. Anything was better than this swirling, melting mess of an existence that she forced herself through every day. The stench of death followed her everywhere: the warriors' den, the fresh-kill pile, the beech copse. It seemed that even the river reeked of blood and decay. She knew it was just her imagination, but that didn't help. She was barely present, even as she did things all day, every day, and only allowed herself to collapse late at night when everyone else had gone to sleep. Only then could she let out the dry, heaving sobs that were thankfully silent enough to not wake any cat. Not Hollyleaf, not Tinypool, not Poppyshine. Not even Ashflight. She'd failed them enough already. They didn't need to know how close she was to losing herself, how mindless her pawsteps were, how dull every heartbeat seemed in the secure knowledge of her complete and utter failure. Letting them know would be the last straw. All she could do was what she could do. Ceremonies. Patrols. Hunting. Words, words, words, empty, clipped and calm, flowing from an emotionless face and an emotionless voice that hid the crumbling, eroding sense of self from her Clanmates. She was just a figurehead keeping up the appearance that they were not completely under the Dark Forest's paw. Pretending that it was under control. Pretending she could actually do anything. Pretending she was fine. It was fine. Everything was fine. Everything would never be fine again.
Near the end of another such day, one that had felt like morning even since the night before, Perchfall stopped momentarily just to breathe. There was one last dusk patrol set to go out and hunt before the sun went down completely. Exhaling noiselessly, letting her trembling legs rest for just a moment, the deputy sat by the camp entrance. Had she eaten today? She didn't remember. Did it matter? Well, if she caught enough fish this evening, maybe she'd eat one later. It wasn't important. She just had to get through another day. Why? So that you can toss and turn all night and do all of this again tomorrow? So that you can keep lying to everyone? Lying to yourself? Why, Perchfall? Tired, she shook her head, forcing the thoughts away. It would do her no good to steep in her self-loathing. If she worked hard enough, if she was exhausted enough, maybe the thoughts would stop. She had to keep going. For everyone else's sake, if not just to keep up appearances. She had to keep going... because she didn't know what she would do if she stopped.
Cool evening air washed over her, almost a relief from the beautifully warm day that was drawing to a close. The sky had slowly begun to darken to a nearly invisible whitish pink, fading to a burnished orange around the treeline far beyond camp. Scenery, at least, never changed. And at least this patrol was with someone she knew. Poppyshine.... Her former apprentice could make any day a little bit brighter. Hopefully, the calico would be optimistic enough for both of them. Reminding herself of the cats for whom she put herself to all the trouble, Perchfall sat up taller. She straightened herself, set her ears forward, and let every tired line fall from her face. She was fine. She was fine.
Contrary to Perchfall’s slow descent into despair, Poppyshine still felt as bright as ever. She’d had her own tragic run-ins since the Gathering, but if anything, they’d encouraged her to cling to the brighter things. She’d developed friendships with so many cats in her clan; she’d become a warrior; and, of course, she till had her deputy and former-mentor at her side. Perchfall had been there to help her through all of the painful things, from the Gathering to the incident at the river to comforting her after her run-in with Softfall. They’d done so much together, had spent many moons at each other’s side and continued to go on patrols together when their schedules lined up.
All of this was why Poppyshine knew that Perchfall was not doing well. Perchfall was great at masking what she was feeling and hiding the bad emotions from her clan. It was good for the clan, to view her as an infallible deputy; but Poppyshine had spent too much time with her. She’d picked up on the subtle signs of irritation or depression or fatigue that weighed on the deputy. Poppyshine knew that Perchfall struggled to let anyone in, and though she desperately wished that her former-mentor would allow her the courtesy, Poppyshine knew to give her the space to deal with her feelings in her own way. Poppyshine would just have to be there to help when she could.
Poppyshine smiled brightly as she trotted over to where Perchfall sat, awaiting her arrival for their patrol. “Good evening, Perchfall!” she greeted with her usual cheery tone. She brushed her body against Perchfall’s affectionately, momentarily curling the tip of her tail around Perchfall’s before she turned in the direction of the camp’s entrance. “Shall we head out for the patrol?” She glanced Perchfall over silently. Poppyshine wasn’t sure how many patrols Perchfall had already gone on today, but she imagined it was too many. Perhaps Poppyshine could make sure this patrol finished up a little faster than the rest so they could get back and Perchfall could have some well-earned rest.
That voice was like a bubbling waterfall over a hot, dry desert. Perchfall's ears flicked in the direction she heard it, and sure enough, Poppyshine had arrived. The bright green eyes for which she'd received her name shone, reflecting even brighter now that the sun was beginning to set. locked onto the deputy's own dull blue ones. A light brush of fur against fur reminded Perchfall that she did, in fact, physically exist, and was not just floating hazily over camp like she felt she was. Blinking slightly as she was brought back to earth, she let her facial muscles relax. "Good evening, Poppyshine," she responded, letting a little bit of warmth into her voice. "Yes, just a quick hunting patrol." Hopefully, none of her exhaustion would bleed through her statuesque neutrality.
With a light flick of her tail, Perchfall began to walk out of camp, knowing that Poppyshine would be in step with her. It was a nice, almost comforting feeling to spend time with a cat that she understood, at least a little bit. She could never truly know every thought of any cat-- but after spending so much time with her apprentice, training her and learning with her, it was easy to know how she might react at any given time. Happiness, unadulterated warmth and love, and unfortunately a deep capacity for fear and sadness. If Perchfall had anything to say about it, she would shield the sunny calico from any harm that might try to befall her. And yet... what could she do about it? She hadn't prevented Poppyshine from falling in the river. She hadn't prevented her from being attacked by Softfall. She hadn't prevented the Dark Forest from seizing control of the Clan. If more bad things were to happen... what could she do? What protection could she even offer? You're deluding yourself, Perchfall. You just want to feel useful. Your actions mean nothing. A slight grimace crossed her face for a split second before she warded the thoughts off once more. This was something. Patrolling, talking, that was something. She could at least do something.
She had to stay in the present, had to not let herself sink in her own thoughts, otherwise she would probably melt into a puddle. Shaking her head almost imperceptibly, Perchfall glanced down at her companion. Poppyshine had been a cute little ball of fluff as an apprentice, but now she had truly begin to grow into her own. She was a warrior-- beautiful, graceful, light. Her limbs were longer now, and she was no longer so small as Perchfall remembered. Time moves on. Ignoring the persistent, steady ache of her tired paws, the deputy did her best to do what Ashflight taught her and start a conversation. "How have you found warriorhood?" she asked lightly, smoothly, keeping the heavy edge of depression from her voice. "I know the warriors' den has been getting a little crowded, and I still haven't managed to patch that hole in the corner. But you and your friend Owlshriek now get all the privileges and responsibility of being full warriors. What do you think?" Perchfall could barely remember her own time as an apprentice; she seemed to have always been fully grown, fully trapped in her mind, never really able to communicate her thoughts and feelings properly to others. But Poppyshine lived, she blossomed, she shone. The deputy had seen her bloom from a tiny kit to a capable warrior. What was the thought process of someone who lived so vibrantly as she did?
The air was cool as the sun had begun to sink down the skyline, and Poppyshine breathed the air in deeply. It was delicious now that newleaf had arrived, and it put her at ease. She loved RiverClan’s territory so dearly. It made patrols never feel like a chore, and instead, like a reward, to get to go out into the beautiful nature and hve company with those she loved.
Poppyshine considered Perchfall’s question and another smile touched her maw. “It’s been really nice! I was so nervous at first, but I’m starting to get the hang of everything, I think. And everyone is so nice, so I don’t mind the crowding in the warrior den!” It was nice being surrounded by so many of her peers. She hadn’t felt so comfortable sleeping since she was a kit. "The full patrols have been fun too. Sometimes Owlshriek and I look at each other like apprentices still waiting for instruction and then we have to laugh at it all.” That earned a giggle from her at the thought and she looked at Perchfall. “But how about you? You haven’t been pushing yourself too hard, have you?”
She wanted to take more time to look after Perchfall, to actually make sure that she was taking care of herself, but as a warrior, she had more responsibilities now than ever. Her patrols, training Pipitpaw, and still helping in the nursery when she had the time; it was a lot. But she knew that it wasn’t nearly as much as Perchfall had to deal with. She was a deputy on top of all the things Poppyshine had to do—minus training an apprentice, with Poppyshine’s new warrior status—as well as being a pseudo-leader. Vixenstar may be officially in charge of RiverClan, but there was no actual weight in that title. Perchfall still did all of the ceremonies, gave the patrol orders, and looked after the clan in a way that Vixenstar would never do…But that was a lot of responsibility on the poor she-cat’s shoulders.
It was grounding to be out in the territory. Chill earth beneath her aching paws, grass almost damp with dew, a soft breeze ruffling the thick fur around her neck. For a moment or two, between thoughts, Perchfall could almost enjoy it. RiverClan was beautiful. The light of the sunset had gone from pink-orange to a deeper color, more burnt, almost rusty, and its ruddy shade began to seep over the forest. Long shadows from the sparse trees stretched across their path. Inhaling deeply, the deputy almost began to relax for a moment-- until she caught the scent of decay in the air. That brought her sharply back to reality. The whole forest was haunted by the ghosts of murderers, and nobody was free under their reign. Every enticing aspect of newleaf was soured by the undertone that, once again, reminded her of her failure.
As if sensing the death-scent on the air and wishing to distract from it, Poppyshine answered the question. Cheerfulness lacing her voice felt like sunshine, even though the sun had now set beyond sight past the trees. Her words brought a little bit of relaxation. Perchfall was glad that the hole in the den hadn't been noticeable; now that it was no longer leaf-bare, and there was no more snow and ice crowding camp, the chill wouldn't be bothersome anymore. Besides, she was the one sleeping in the corner and blocking the airflow herself, as best she could. So that was at least one thing she could succeed at. Probably the least important thing. At least Poppyshine was able to enjoy herself-- and Owlshriek too, from the sound of it. Jaystar's son... how did he feel, now that he knew his father had disappeared for good?
Once again, her train of thought (which probably would not have ended well) was interrupted by a few well-placed words from Poppyshine. The deputy glanced down at the direct question, feeling a slight twinge of guilt. It couldn't be that obvious, could it? She hadn't wanted to worry anyone. She was just doing her job, anyway. But she knew how the young warrior felt about getting rest and eating enough food. Remembering their first outing, when Perchfall had been barely hurt by a goose and Poppyshine had fussed over her, she felt the corners of her mouth turn upwards. "I'm all right," she said dismissively, stopping for a moment to nudge the calico's shoulder affirmatively with her paw. "Perfectly healthy. Nothing can stop me from doing my job." The answer might not be entirely satisfactory, but Perchfall didn't really want to dwell on it. More direct questions would force her to linger in thoughts of her despair, and she didn't want that. She wanted to enjoy some time with Poppyshine. So, she changed the subject.
"You seem awfully close to this Owlshriek," she said, almost teasing. She began walking again. "He is very different from you, yet you get along so well. Is there anything between you two that I should be aware of?" Perchfall was not entirely in earnest, since she doubted that Poppyshine's innocence allowed her to think so much of her relationships. Still, there was a chance, and that did interest the deputy somewhat. Some tiny part of her hoped that Jaystar's son wouldn't be that close to her former apprentice. Either way, she would much rather talk about anything other than herself.
Perchfall’s words were stoic and dismissive and quite obviously evaded the question. Poppyshine was not the best in picking up social subtleties, but her familiarity with Perchfall had given her the skill for specifically noting Perchfall’s attempts to dodge topics. Poppyshine hadn’t expected anything different, but it still concerned her that the deputy couldn’t focus on her own well-being. As much as Perchfall wanted to avoid the attention to her own self-care, Poppyshine wanted to continue pressing anyway, if only to ensure that she would plant the ideas of taking breaks and delegating extra tasks to others into Perchfall’s mind.
Lucky for Perchfall, however, her following question wiped any further pressing from Poppyshine’s mind. She blinked a couple of times and her ears twitched like she hadn’t heard the question correctly, and then she tilted her head in confusion. “That you should be aware of?” Poppyshine repeated, looking as quizzical as she did when learning something new during her apprentice days. The true nature of Perchfall’s question, of course, was completely lost on Poppyshine. She thought of the apprentice games she had held for the clan apprentices, where she had officially met Owlshriek. She thought of their hunting outing together and the lovely time spent on the Sunningrocks. She thought of their long conversations in the apprentice’s den, in hushed voices so as to not wake the others when they couldn’t sleep. Owlshriek was a great friend and he was exceptionally kind to her; but anything ‘between them’? Poppyshine was completely lost.
“I don’t think so,” she finally meowed. “We do get along great, though! He’s very good at hunting. We work well together, I think.” Thinking about her friends brightened Poppyshine again from her confused state. “There’s also Rushpaw too. I think he takes everything a little too seriously sometimes, and I think it’s hard for him to socialize, but he’s great too. I bet his mentor will recommend him for warrior status soon. He’s very strong and great at fighting, so he’ll be a great asset for the clan.” Perhaps it was all the time spent around Perchfall during her apprenticeship, but Poppyshine spoke of the other cats like a deputy herself. She still looked upon all of the cats as her friends and family, but observing their role in the clan also came easily after observing Perchfall’s own skills as deputy.
So, it was as she'd thought. Perchfall didn't exactly grin, but a small smile did break from the neutrality on her face. For a cat who lived and breathed emotions, who loved everyone she loved with her whole heart, Poppyshine's complete lack of knowledge on this subject was ironic. Yet, it was also relieving. As much of a reliable warrior as Owlshine seemed to be, the deputy didn't completely trust anything to do with Jaystar anymore. The tom would have to prove himself before he could be considered worthy of being that close to Poppyshine. Did he know what was going on? Well, neither cat was going anywhere. They had plenty of time to figure it out. Rushpaw, as well, according to her. Wasn't that Flywhisker's son? He was due to be a warrior soon.
Perchfall was a little surprised to hear the young warrior speaking so analytically of her Clanmates. Not all cats had an eye for another cat's strengths and weaknesses like that. She herself had always been better at reading other cats' abilities than her own, but Poppyshine had seemed more in tune with herself and less absorbed in the outside world. However, with the amount of times the calico had been able to tell when her mentor was feeling down, she should have known that there was some kind of ability there. Impressive. She had been silent for a little too long. Orange light washed across their path, and Perchfall began to hear the river in the distance. They were getting close. "No need to worry about it," she responded, slightly amused by Poppyshine's innocence. "I am glad that you get along so well with your peers. Maybe I should do Rushpaw's ceremony soon, so he can join you as well. And, as you said, he will be helpful to the Clan."
From all outward margins, RiverClan appeared to be thriving. Newleaf brought more prey, more warriors, more warm sun to melt the snow. In any other time, this would be nearly unprecedented prosperity, and they should all be happy. But the lingering darkness from their situation seemed to devour all the sunlight, excess prey and even happiness. Poppyshine seemed very unaffected; Perchfall didn't know whether it was her innocence or optimism that let her act so happy. Either way, she had no such luxury. The burden of RiverClan fell onto her, without the freedom to lead them as she wished. All she could do was patrol after patrol, ceremony after ceremony, and work until her bones gave out. Trying to ignore the despair that trailed behind her like a shadow, trying to enjoy these few sunset moments with her former apprentice, the gray and white she-cat continued pushing on towards the river.
Poppyshine’s optimism outshined any negativity that seemed to shadow her life. It was very useful for her to bounce back quickly after anything devastating that happened to her. She didn’t not feel any negativity by any means; she still felt the dourness that hung over the clan and the pain that her clanmates had to endure thanks to the presence of the Dark Forest cats. However, she didn’t want that to drag her down, and instead she wanted to use her energy to help her fellow clan cats. That, if nothing else, helped her keep a more positive attitude.
They arrived at the river and Poppyshine slowed to a stop beside Perchfall. She hadn’t encountered anymore trouble at the river since her fall, but she still felt a certain tenseness when she had to go near it. She was bigger, more experienced, and the river did not run as swiftly, but a tiny voice in the back of her mind still told her that she was going to fall into the river and get swept away again. It took her a moment to close her eyes and breathe deeply before she could calm herself again. She opened her eyes and turned her attention to Perchfall. “Has there been any trouble by the borders since you visited ThunderClan?” It had been quite a while since Perchfall had gone to ThunderClan following the attack on Poppyshine when she was an apprentice. They hadn’t spoken much of it afterwards, partially due to Poppyshine being so shaken up by it and worried about causing trouble for her clan. Since then, she’d kept extra care to pay attention to the borders when she left camp. She really hoped that she hadn’t caused more trouble between ThunderClan and RiverClan than there already had been.
The river... the lifeblood of RiverClan. It wound, twisted, flowed, in the same steady yet unpredictable way that their lives seemed to. It was dangerous, but still beautiful. That said, Perchfall had had one too many close calls with the river to truly trust it. A quick glance at Poppyshine showed that she felt the same; after all, it had been her who nearly drowned in the river. Even the reminder of that event made the deputy want to bury herself in the sand. The water closing over her, fighting the current, trying to drag both herself and her apprentice with every ounce of energy left in her body... No, she had not enjoyed that experience. And yet, if necessary, she would do that again. Firmly, the gray and white she-cat walked to the edge of the riverbank and sat down, downstream of Poppyshine this time. In the off chance that anything did happen-- which it wouldn't-- she would be able to help. It might be slim comfort, but comfort it was. Hopefully it might be some comfort to her companion as well.
With her tired paws planted in the no-longer-slippery mud of the riverbank, Perchfall turned her head. An ear pricked forward toward Poppyshine, who was asking a question. Trouble by the borders.... Right. Softfall. Yet another failure on her part. At the reminder, her shoulders tensed up. Had she ever told the calico properly? No, she'd waited until she was healed, and then she became a warrior, and then it had been busy. Some deputy she was, to not even follow up with such an important topic of conversation. Mentally kicking herself, Perchfall shook her head. "Not that I am aware of," she responded slowly. "When I visited Stoatstar, he promised that Softfall-- the tom who attacked you-- would not be allowed to patrol the RiverClan border, and would not be sent out of camp without direct supervision. That was the best I could get him to agree to; it was the word of an enemy deputy versus the word of his own Clanmate. Some small consolation, at least." The warrior who had almost killed Poppyshine... with very little effort, he could do it again. He could actually kill her, or any other cat. The deputy tried desperately not to shrink in on herself at that knowledge, and the knowledge that she hadn't done any better. Instead, she let her gaze drop from her companion to the river below. "I apologize, Poppyshine. I should have done more."
Perchfall joining her at the river helped to ease some of the tension in Poppyshine’s body. She allowed herself to relax as she settled into a sit before the water. She watched the current for a moment and saw glittery scales of fish. It didn’t hold her attention long, however, before she was focused on Perchfall’s words. She looked over at the deputy and her heart cracked upon seeing her gaze fall to the river and that slightest of slump in her posture. Poppyshine could see the pain and regret weighing Perchfall down, and she wished desperately to pull it off of her.
“You have nothing to apologize for,” Poppyshine said firmly. She closed to couple of paces to be right at Perchfall’s side and she leaned her body against Perchfall’s. “Stoatstar had no reason to believe you or me over his own warrior. For all he knew, I could have just been an apprentice making up tales for attention. No one was there to say one way or the other. You decided to take my side, so it would have been just as well if he had taken Softfall’s. But you had convinced him, at the least, that Softfall was deserving of some level of punishment.” She pressed her face against Perchfall’s shoulder. Now that she was older, she was nearly as tall as the deputy, but it didn’t stop her from the same affectionate gestures as she used when she was younger. “The important thing is that I’m fine, and you reported the incident. It’s up to ThunderClan now to look after their troubled warriors, and for us to ensure the borders remain intact. I’ve learned my lesson, and I’m sure Softfall has as well. You did everything you could have, and received a good outcome.”
Poppyshine desperately wished she could do more than simply use her words to encourage Perchfall. She had so much weighing her down, and so much to look after in the clan. Vixenstar was of no actual help to the clan and only desired the power to boss any cat around if she so desired. Perchfall was filling two roles in the clan now and still had her own troubles plaguing her mind. It left Poppyshine feeling useless.
Perchfall was almost surprised by the immediate response; a soft, warm body pressed into hers, insisting on comfort with an almost stubborn level of kindness. How did this always happen? She messed up and Poppyshine forgave her. How was it so consistent? How could she stop making these mistakes and requiring another cat to always pull her back from the brink? She should have just stayed quiet and not apologized. Yet, in her current, exhausted state, she was barely managing to even walk and speak. It was too much to ask her to be logical at this point. Her neutral mask was in danger of crumbling soon. As it was, the deputy accepted her companion's physical affection, given that it was no longer so strange to her. It was a caring gesture.
"I suppose it was all I could do," she murmured in response, trying to convince herself. "Of all the many things I have failed to do, I came closest to succeeding there. Though if I was doing my job properly, you would not have been attacked in the first place." Annoyed at herself, and at the circumstances, she shook her head. She wasn't supposed to let them know how she was feeling. "I hope Softfall learned his lesson, but I have to say I am not very confident. He didn't seem ashamed of himself, just afraid of the punishment. I have nothing against ThunderClan... I wonder why they-- why he-- hates me so much." The yowls of anger from all around camp at her entrance flashed back to her mind. Hateful glares from the young tom who she had been so lenient towards... yet if she was stricter, it might have been even worse. She couldn't win. Unable to keep a lid on her emotions, she simply closed her eyes. The sun had sunk below the horizon. It was almost evening. Hopefully, it was dark enough, Poppyshine wouldn't see the look on her face.
"Every day," Perchfall whispered, "I wonder why I was put in this position. I never even knew Jaystar before he stormed into camp one day, a flock of ravens behind him, and announced that StarClan had made him leader, and he picked me to be deputy. I was shocked, but even then, I wanted to do what I could for my Clan. So I accepted." How long ago now had that been? It had been at the beginning of leaf-bare... but the leaf-bare seemed to have lasted forever. "In our first conversation, I asked him why. He said his mother, Ivystar, always picked cats she knew, like her mate, who would support the Clan... so he picked an unknown. A cat he had never seen before. It was all for some arbitrary reason. Still, I was hopeful. I wanted to build a future for the Clan." Tightly, unconsciously, her tail wrapped around her aching white paws. "And here I am, still deputy, with all I have to show for it. Jaystar brought these monsters into our Clan and vanished as quickly as he came, and now we all have to bear the consequences. I could stand up for us, I could fight back, I could even run away, but what good would it do? All I can do is watch as Vixenstar slowly destroys everything I have tried to work for. Jaystar made many mistakes, but his biggest was picking me as deputy." It was too late to stop talking now, as much as she wished she could. Her voice shook slightly. "Every day, I fail this Clan. I wake up and fail my Clanmates all day and go to sleep, still a failure. This should be the most prosperous season for RiverClan and here we are, crumbling under the shadow of death that I am too weak to fight off. All I have done is fail. I fail Tinypool, I fail Ashflight, I fail you. Sometimes I wish...." Perchfall bit her tongue. What was she saying? Why was she rambling? And yet, despite her best efforts to control herself, she was trembling. Her weary muscles could barely keep her standing, yet she stayed still, trying to force herself upright. Some time during her rant, her ears had pinned back against her head. She couldn't take anything back... what a foolish excuse for a deputy she was, dumping all of these self-frustrations onto poor innocent Poppyshine. She should just shut up. Yet she couldn't even force out an apology after the cascade of words that was less than half of her deeply buried emotion. Perchfall wished she could disappear.
It absolutely shatters Poppyshine’s heart to see Perchfall crumble before her. Perchfall was always a beacon of strength and unwavering stability. She never cracked, never faltered, and always held her head high. Even when things were falling all around her, or she was put in a terrifying situation, she somehow managed to hold her head up high through it all. Poppyshine always admired that side of Perchfall. But now, seeing this new side of Perchfall, which was vulnerable and upset and in doubt, or even ashamed…Poppyshine hated to see Perchfall like this, but she was also grateful to see this rare side of her friend that was always kept hidden behind firm walls.
Poppyshine rested her head on top of Perchfall’s and let her speak. She let her say as much as she wanted, and listened to the words that tumbled from her tongue. With every word, she hoped that Perchfall felt even a little bit better. When her words faded into nothingness, Poppyshine tried not to focus on whatever her final statement was going to be. Whatever it was, it would only upset them both. But Perchfall had opened up her heart and Poppyshine was not going to allow anything to pierce it.
“You are not a failure,” Poppyshine said, as firmly as she would say that the sky was blue or that fish populated the river. “Whatever is in Softfall’s heart is his own to bear. All you can do is treat him or any other cat as fairly as you always have. You cannot be at fault for that.” She shifted and carefully groomed at Perchfall’s shoulder, allowing the repetitive movements to sooth the stressed she-cat. “You were pulled into a position of authority that you did not desire, but you did it for the best of your clan. You dealt with a leader whose principles and leadership you did not agree with, because you wanted to help your clan. You confronted another leader when an apprentice was injured; you did everything you could to keep the Dark Forest cats from tainting your clanmates; you raised some wonderful warriors; and you have been a tremendous friend to Ashflight. What Jaystar did, what position he put you in, was not something you could have controlled. You have done your best to deal with the consequences that he laid at your feet.”
She paused in her grooming and pulled back. She waited until Perchfall dared a glance at her, so she could hold her friend’s gaze. “You have not failed anyone, Perchfall. You have upheld our borders amidst terrible tensions between the clans, and have kept a sense of authority while a Dark Forest cat has upheaved our ranks. You are directing cats every minute of the day because you have to do more than you should ever be responsible for. You are what is holding our clan together, and even if you feel like you’re not doing well, you are. You are an inspiration to our clanmates, to our newest warriors. You have been the best deputy, the best mentor, I ever could have asked for, and you still astound me to this day.” She leaned forward, resting her forehead against Perchfall’s. “You are enough. There is no need for you to be more than you are, Perchfall. And there is no need for you to bear everything alone. You’ve been struggling to handle all of this for so long. There are so many cats that love and care for you, and for our clan. We are here to help. I am here to help, and to provide you any support you need. If there is something that I can do to take some responsibilities off your shoulders, just say the word.”
Poppyshine didn’t know how well her words resonated with Perchfall. She hoped that at least some of them got through that heavy cloud of self-doubt that rested over the deputy. If Poppyshine could help lift her spirits even a little, then it was a job well done. Perchfall was not a cat to accept support easily. She was like a tree that had been uprooted but insisted on standing tall. Poppyshine wanted to help hold her tree steady. She murmured, “Please, rest, Perchfall. Even for a little bit. You’ve earned a rest.” Enough of the hunting, of the patrols, of the pushing herself until the last moment. Perchfall was as vulnerable as she ever was, and Poppyshine was so proud of her for showing that side of herself, even if Perchfall wasn’t proud of herself.
Perchfall existed in a transient moment of absolute discomfort. It seemed that every scale in the water and every needle on the trees was a pair of eyes, staring at her, ridiculing her for finally breaking down in this way. The sky was gradually closing in on her, walling up the forest, trapping her inside the shaky, exhausted body that surrounded her swiftly beating heart. It was too much. I want to disappear. I want to sink into the ground, the river, and be out of sight. I want to leave, run, go, stop existing-- anything to make it end. I can't even succeed at sparing others from my broken mind. Useless, heartless failure. Stars, why can't I just--? Her thoughts raced frantically, the ever-loud voice inside her head that begged her to shut up, stop it, stop it, almost screaming, drowning out the calm rushing river and late evening breeze. There was no respite. There was only the encroaching pit of despair, and in a few more moments she would fall into that sweet darkness and escape the pain of being seen.
However, there was something stopping her. A light touch of another cat, pressing gently down on her head. She'd hunched so far over... With that small reminder of the physical world, reality began fading back into existence. Shadows of trees stretching over the river; the dusk-scent of cool earth and pine; a slight calico frame that was suddenly pushing into hers. Poppyshine.... There were words, too. Kind, strong, insistent words, flowing almost like a river over her pinned-back, unresisting ears. How could Poppyshine say those words with such conviction? I didn't get justice for you. I couldn't comfort Ashflight when his mother died. I didn't resist the Dark Forest. I... I can't be enough. I can't. I can't do it. I can't I can't I can't -- And yet, despite the pushing of her self-realized truths against these foreign terms of comfort and warmth, Perchfall found her tensed muscles beginning to relax. Her dull, tired blue eyes met shining green ones for one brief moment. It was hard to fight against the desire to believe what Poppyshine said... if only for a little while. It would be so nice if she was right... it would be a much better life to live than this one.
The kind-hearted command to "rest" was the one that finally broke through to Perchfall. Unable to speak or resist, she slowly sank to the ground, allowing her trembling muscles the chance to no longer force her weak frame upright. Even as the sun finally set irreplaceably beyond the horizon, the deputy lay on the mud-stained grass by the riverbank, breathing so slowly she almost couldn't tell whether or not air actually entered her lungs. It was almost too much-- the warring depths of self-hatred with the impossibly optimistic view that Poppyshine tried to lay on her like a blanket of moss. She couldn't reconcile the differences in her brain... so, she simply lay on the ground as the figurative waves of emotion and exhaustion washed over her. It was too late to feel embarrassed about exposing herself for the fraud she was now; all she could do was trust. Finally, she managed to force a few words from her throat. "Please," she murmured weakly, "don't tell anyone else. I wanted... I want to be strong."
The tension and panic and uncertainty that filled Perchfall’s gaze made Poppyshine want to weep for her former mentor. With everything that Perchfall had been through, it was so unfair that she was still asked to do so much, but Poppyshine would not let herself give into that despair too. Perchfall needed someone strong, and the optimistic strength came easily to Poppyshine. When the deputy finally allowed her muscles to relax and her body to lower to the ground, Poppyshine felt relieved as well. She sank down with her and slipped her head underneath Perchfall’s at the last moment so Perchfall’s head could be elevated on top of her shoulders. Even now, Poppyshine wanted to do all she could to support her.
Poppyshine shook her head slightly, so Perchfall could only feel it. “I won’t tell anyone,” she promised. “What you said, and how you feel—it will be locked away. Shared only between us. You needn’t worry.” Her tail lay across Perchfall’s back and she relaxed fully, her body pressed up against Perchfall’s and supporting her as they lay together. “And that includes now, and any time in the future. Should things weigh too heavily on you, I’m here to be a listening ear, or to be a support, or to just simply sit with you while you collect yourself. You are strong…but everyone needs support, no matter their strength.”
