Scattered Forces

Swiftheart lay low under cover a bush for awhile, her wounds stung and she was exhausted the battle had drained her and she was lucky to escape alive... She was cold, scared, and tired she knew she had to get help ... but where to go? If she ran into any of the invaders again she would be killed without question, she was in no condition to fight at this point. She smelled the air around... it was still so heavy of blood.. She could not make out any one particular smell. She got to her paws somehow, it was alot of energy but she needed to find her clanmates... she hoped they were alright... she walked along silently through the familiar teritory, leaving a blood trail through the snow she made sure to double back a couple times to make her trail confusing. She walked along slowly, a heavy limp. She smelled the air agian.... was that? oohh she hoped so... She smelled nightstalker and ratrunner... they had been here before.

Keeping silently she moved forward... The smell got stronger... but there was also blood and it smelled strong... her heart sunk... were they alright? she would not forgive herself if they were not.

limping silently forward she finally saw her two clanmates. She could see them both breathing for this she was so grateful, she limped over to them.

guysss she whispered in a raspy voice. Everything hurt and her wounds bled heavily. She reached them and collapsed next to them out of energy. She shivered, the blood loss and coldness of the territory was taking its toll on what little she had left.

Ratrunner had collapsed near a bush, barely shaded by the foliage, when he drifted out of consciousness. It was the best he found for Nightstalker. I’m sorry it’s not enough.

When he woke up, it was to feel sticky and in pain, and to the sound of a voice. Instinctively, the small tom staggered to his feet, limping heavily — trying to shield the taller warrior from view. I can’t let anyone hurt him! But it was only Swiftheart.

Ratrunner’s shoulders slumped in relief, gold eyes pleased to see her. Even if her white fur seemed a gruesome sight, streaked in blood, she was walking. Letting her collapse, Ratrunner achingly sat beside her, head resting on her shoulder in exhaustion — for comfort. “I’m so glad you’re here. Is everyone…?”

The small warrior wasn’t sure what he was asking. It had looked… bad, when Ratrunner fled, hovering in and out of alertness. It was only to protect and get Nightstalker out of there that he’d limped back, but the rogues were overwhelming. He’d... tried to return for Emberleap, but by then his energy had drained. Waiting here to fight his last breath was all he could do.

Nightstalker was one of the first to take off from the battle. He was still injured from his fight the night previous, and with the rogues attacking in the day... he was both sleep-deprived and feeling every wound on his body. It was honestly, Starclans miracle that he had made it as far as he did, destroying and smearing blood on foliage. It was a blessing that Ratrunner had found him, but he didn't have much energy to greet or acknowledge his friend. Everything seemed to be swimming, so he kept his eyes shut, even when his sister found the both of them.

Seeing that Ratrunner and Nightstalker were alright made Swiftheart so relived... well alright was maybe not the correct word... alive? ... Her pelt looked more red than white currently but she assured herself that that was only because the white stained so easily and showed every drop... at least she hoped that was why.  She had cuts and bite marks all over and chunks of fur torn off from when she got 2 v 1ed at the end of the battle.

When Ratrunner laid his head on her shoulder she felt butterflies in her stomach... even now when she was beaten close to death his presence made her feel so much better and the cuddle was so needed right now.


She smiled weakly at ratrunner, I'm glad you are here too her smile disappeared hearing the rest of his words...

Is everyone…?”

The words echoed in her head... she had vivid flashbacks of the fight.  She had seen her mother so close to victory against the monster that had skinned and worn Burningwing.  Then right before Murkystar could finish him one of his underlings joined the fight and Murkystar went down... she was choked up even thinking about it... she did not know if her mother had lost a life... or did those monsters continue taking more than just one? ....all?  She shuddered violently ... no she couldnt think like that... and yet it was still a possibility. Tears rushed to her eyes, she had barely escaped from the attackers... had she left her own mother to die?? Guilt weighed heavily on her mind...

Frostgaze was also in a losing position from what she could tell when she was forced to flea. He was in another 2 v 1 and was getting beat violently last she saw.  

Web had been the only warrior still standing when she had to run.  She shuddered realizing that now her two attackers would be free to go after Web as well now... this knowledge and realization made her feel sick to her already weakened stomach...

Cicadasheik and ember had also fallen but they were out of it before she left... she had no clue where they were now and hoped to starclan they got out okay.  As guilty as she felt she did also realize she was barely able to pull herself out of the battle... trying to drag an unconciosu ally would have gotten them both killed... no better that the unconcious were left perhaps they could stay hidden better than if she had tried to move them and been spotted.

She glanced up.... oh right Ratrunner was still waiting for an answer while she was busy having a mental breakdown of flashbacks... her brother looked completely passed out... but he was breathing and alive so that was already a big relieve off her mind

her lip quivered ... how was she supposed to tell him this? That they had basically been beaten to a pulp and she had been one of the last ones standing and now it was up to web to gaurd off against 7?  or was it 8? she felt awful...

R-R---Ratrunner... its bad.... r-r...

she choked out.  It was hard enough talking to her crush normally but trying to get a report in now? after all that had happened?  Under normal situations she could barely talk a sentence to him without getting all jittery on emotions and studdering over herself... now? well it would be pretty stuttery that was for sure.

She took a deep breath trying to calm down... it didnt work and why should it? her clanmates were out there in who knows what condition .... were they dead , alive? she had no idea...

i---ittss really bad. M-mmm... mom went down tears formed in her eyes again and this time she could not stop them from streaming down her face.

Frost was in a bad position last I saw...ember and cicada were out of it before I had to retreat... the only one still standing was Web she finally managed to tell him choking on every other word with sobs.

a-a---and I dont remember the last time I saw dad she added on... she realized that those monsters could have found him when he was out alone earlier that day... and the thought made her want to collapse and disappear from this reality... this nightmare. She hoped someone would kick her and she would awaken in the warriors den with everyone glaring at her for whimpering in a nightmare dream having awoken them all... but no this was no dream this was all real and it was terrifying

Swiftheart was a heavily emotional cat and she always showed her emotions pretty clearly... she also had no issue with getting help with her emotions and even encouraged and liked others helping her... so pretty much the opposite of her brother Nightstalker in that regaurd.  she double checked on him... he seemed hurt... she wished she could take him to the med den... but that was probably ironically the least place in the whole forest right now with the invaders closing in... she shuddered thinking about the consequences if they ended up finding the camp... Deerpaw... the kits and elders there.  She would never forgiver herself if they did.

So right now, her emotions showed clear as always and it was not a pretty sight she sobbed heavily her throat getting all tight like it does when you feel so helpless in a situation.

She wanted so badly for someone to lean on... to let it all out on... her brother Nightstlkaer hated when she did that... or she thought that he did at least...

but right now she couldn't help it... her emotional state was in about as rough a state as her physical.

So, she half leaned half collapsed over onto Ratrunner. she sobbed heavily resting her head on his shoulder letting him support her... she shuddered as she sobbed her sides weakly shaking.

I-I... I couldnt save them Ratrunner... she said shakily.

she hung her head downcast in shame and guilt.  

there was a long pause of silence and she continued to lean on him and cry quietly.

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after a while she stopped the heavy sobbing still teary eyed though.

Im---i'm so sorry about Amberdawn she said quietly she was like a second mother to Night and I when we were kits... I--I know how close you two were she said, the pain could be felt in her voice... she knew how much Ratrunner would be in pain over the queens death.  She shuddered hating knowing how much pain that put him in... she only wished for him to be happy and today was the worst day of their lives...

she gave him a weak hug... she couldn't hold him tightly as she was really sore and her muscles would not allow it, she was really weak right now.

It was hard to tell exactly how much time passed... was it a minute? an hour? more than that even? as the three sat/laid there half in and out of consciousness clinging to each other and to life the best they could.

It was indeed a very long silence after this.

During this silence Swiftheart was busy thinking... thinking hard back to what she had thought about during sitting in camp when her apprentice had spoken to her

(Link to that topic is here:  Self debate )

She thought to herself back on the options she had weighted back then... to tell or not to tell...

She loved Ratrunner so much and this day showed that to her so clearly.  Even on the worst day of her life ever she still found some amount of comfort in finding Ratrunner was alright alive and still breathing... even if very hurt he was okay.  The fact that when they held each others head on their shoulders she felt like she had escaped the nightmare... even if for just a couple of seconds.  She thought back to the fight with the foxes... after that she had sworn to herself that she would tell him her true feelings... her reasoning back then was that either of them could die at any moment so she did not want to keep holding these feelings for so long... if he felt the same way they could be together now sooner and that would mean the world to her.  She had meant to tell him so many times but it never felt like the correct time... this battle further drove home the point that it could end so suddenly for either one of them... Burningwing and Amberdawn had not gone out for a daytime walk thinking they were going to get brutely murdered in cold blood and then... skinned she shuddered at that last thought....

back to on track though... she did not want to waste any more time when they could potentially be together due to fears of him not feeling the same... if he did not feel the same that would be tragic for sure but not as tragic than if she did not say anything and only later find out that he did in fact feel the same... at least all that made sense in her mind...

But now? was this really a good time? well no... it was honestly a pretty terrible time but as stated and thought by her earlier... if she waited for a perfect time it would never come and right now it was unclear if they would all see another day... So shuddering she made her mind up... she would indeed tell him.

Finally after all this thought she broke the silence... She had thought through exactly what words she would say so that there would be no stutters this time...

she spoke slowly to ensure that
Ratrunner... there is something I have to tell you she started.

and this is a really terrible time to do it but I cant keep this from you any longer. she added.  

here... sit down she sat next to him knowing that this news might be a shock to him and that it would be good if he was sitting for it.

She stared into his yellow eyes deeply with her blue eyes.

I was so scared of losing you with the foxes... and I was so scared today of losing you... I realize that if I dont tell you the truth at some point I may never get the chance and that .... that would haunt me she continued staring up at him with a soft smile.

she shuddered a little quivering and she shifted back and forth on her paws awkwardly.

The truth... she paused... was she really about to do this??? She looked at her paws nervously she couldn't look him in the eyes when saying this... it would hurt to much if he said no and she was looking right at him.

The truth Ratrunner is that I love you so much she finally said.  She closed her eyes wincing, she laid her ears back on her head not wanting to believe she had just said it...

I feel so deeply about you and I cant keep hiding it from you... she glanced up at him... nervously... what did he think...

he probalbly thinks you are a cycopath... her self doubt screamed internally at her.

Who says that the day their clan gets their tails handed to them? she cursed at herself.

Despite her self doubt screaming at her she managed to give an outward smile up at him.

I -- I understand if you do not feel the same way.... I just want you to be happy at the end of the day... if you feel the same way I want to be with you. she grinned

i--i-iff not I get it... I support whatever you want to do.

She looked away she couldnt belive she had just done that... perhaps the blood loss from her wounds had made her go mentally crazy? hmm well for better or worse it was over with...

The moments seemed to pass so slowly as if time itself slowed as she sat their next to him wondering what he would do or say to that...

Deerpaw traced the scent of blood to a small bush. three of her clanmates were battered and bleeding. something was wrong. where was all the other cats? she had heard yowling. was there a battle? she dropped her rabbit and ran to Swiftheart's side. that was until she noticed her mentor's words. deciding to take another route, the apprentice bought the rabbit next to Nightstalker and cleaned his wounds.

"What happened?" she asked her clanmates, worry churning in her belly. "Was there a battle? What about the kits?!" she gasped, jumping to her paws. Snakekit and Forestkit! Where were they?!

Ratrunner’s brow creased in concern as Swiftheart seemed to shake, and tears brimmed in her eyes. And then her words came pouring out — about how poorly they were faring — and Ratrunner’s insides turned to ice. Webshadow...

It made him want to force himself to his feet, to return. I… I can’t leave my mentor to defend on his own. But not even the knowledge that the tom who raised him might… that he might…

Ratrunner closed his eyes.

It didn’t heal wounds, or fill him with energy. It didn’t make it any more likely the small warrior would make it any further than he’d tried. It felt… I feel helpless. Claws dug uselessly into the mud, because… I would do anything.

An idea surfaced in his mind — one that roiled in his gut. But I would. And yet he could barely move, let alone stop anything. And these cats who mauled so mercilessly, would they care? Would my life even satisfy them?

The life of the cowardly rat, who hadn’t meant to kill their brother. Who wanted to bury him. Who… did mourn him, because he was a cat. Even if he would have killed my… my friend. It felt so fresh.

The warrior in question lay behind them… A tom who had nearly bled to death in the marsh not a sunrise ago, and came to throw himself at danger anyway — at the slightest sound Shadowclan needed him. It’s a miracle he’s still alive. He’s a miracle.

But Nightstalker was alive. (Ratrunner checked. Tearfully, angrily, until he was too relieved to be.) And so was his sister.

Swiftheart cried, messily and like her world might be breaking, and maybe it was. She pressed against him, and Ratrunner — startled, and not one for physical contact — put his paw gently around her. And… after a moment, his head over hers, holding her more tightly. She needs it. Like Amber had held him.

That’s when tears fell, uncontrollable, silent and heart-wrenching. Because what they did to her… to the molly who had kindness in every sense of her soul… I couldn’t save them either.

“It’s not your fault, Swiftheart,” he mewed, voice choked and quiet with pain, knowing the truth in his heart. And knowing it couldn’t help anyone now.

It’s mine.

———

When Swiftheart brought her up later, stirring him from an exhausted rest, Ratrunner flinched — if barely, and where his friend couldn’t see. But… all the kits had known her. He only shifted to lay down beside her, quiet; listening. The younger warrior hugged him, briefly. And… You’re a lot like her, you know. Kind. Heartfelt. Strong.

Swiftheart was earnest, brave. And yet also effortlessly warm — and always saw the best in everyone. Don’t lose that, he hoped.

There was… something he wanted to say. To tell her. I’m not who you think I am. This… It's all my fault.

But then she spoke first. And… asked him to sit. Gingerly, he rose, not liking the sudden nervousness in her voice. But then she looked into his eyes, deeply, and at the closeness, Ratrunner shivered. Hers were blue — clear, true blue — to his gold.

And then she smiled, softly. His heart fluttered with nerves, confused. And then…

She… loves me?

Ratrunner saw a flash of his mother, above him, whispering that tearfully to a dark tom until a little him woke from his nest. Dusktail had shushed him, a deep sadness in her eyes. And then Ratrunner shook his head, sharply — and the dim nursery memory fell away.

He then saw only Swiftheart. Beautifully bright, and sad, and hopeful. Blood and grime in her fur, smile seemingly torn, but so earnest and truthful and—

And Ratrunner never would have thought. He wouldn’t have believed. Because I’m me, and she’s… But he knew in that instant that she meant… she meant more than a friend; different than a sister.

Like what lay in the soft, affectionate look of Murkystar to Mistyfalcon. Like Webshadow to Frostgaze, and he to him, when it seemed like the world wasn’t looking.

She meant…

She meant like how Ratrunner sometimes looked at her brother. How I… love him.

Ratrunner must have sat there, silent, gold eyes wide, for more than a moment. Surprised and then… ashamed. His heart ached, because for all the pain and grief of the day, his… affection — his love — for Nightstalker… it had never left him. “I—“

I killed Apollo for him, Swiftheart.

Maybe Ratrunner would have made the same choice, for any of his Clan. But he could barely stand his teeth around other cats in a spar. And yet when it came to Nightstalker… hurt and eyes growing dull… Ratrunner hadn’t hesitated.

I knew it would kill him. Apollo. But he just couldn’t take the chance he could’ve killed Nightstalker instead.

It was sickening, really. But also like Ratrunner couldn’t have done any differently — even when he’d sworn himself he never would. Starclan, what should I have done? And the feelings he’d been holding close to his chest — that he’d brought to Duskflight — felt too much to hold. Felt too much. And yet Swiftheart had been feeling it too? All this time?

“I know how you feel,” he said, shakily, and the difficulty of it shone in his eyes. “And I wish I could say it was for you. I really do. You mean a lot to me, Swiftheart. But I…”

Ratrunner thought of the way his heart swelled, when Nightstalker acknowledged him. He looked down, toward the precious life not far from them, and ended in a bare whisper, “...I love your brother. Even if sometimes I wish I didn’t.”

Please don’t hate me. His head bowed, regret pulling at his features; mouth dry and head aching, along with every part of him.

And then Deerpaw startled them, appearing from the bushes. A rabbit dropped from her jaws, and the little white apprentice rushed toward her mentor.

“It’s okay, Deerpaw,” he said instinctively — but no, no it wasn’t. Ratrunner winced. “We’re okay. Rogues have attacked us, and the Clan is fighting. I’m sure the kits are okay — they hadn’t reached camp yet.”

Yet. But thankfully, Deerpaw seemed unharmed.

More words needed to be said. But Swiftheart’s words churned in his chest, and so Ratrunner hesitantly touched his nose to her shoulder: a gesture of respect. Deerpaw was there, but she needed to know.

“You are the brightest cat I’ve ever known, Swiftheart,” he told her. And it was earnest. She was. And Ratrunner wondered… if he could look at her, like Mistyfalcon did Murkystar. Or... or like his mentor looked at Frostgaze. But when he looked into her face, he saw her brother. And his eyes…

I would only be thinking of him. His closed his own, screwing them shut, and maybe he shouldn’t have said, but he felt too weak for anything but honesty. “I’m sorry. I want to support you, too.” Just tell me how.

what...?

Emotions roiled and toiled between the three of them, even if Swiftheart and Ratrunner weren't very certain of how... conscious he was. Swiftheart admitted her love for Ratrunner... only for Ratrunner to admit that he loved Nightstalker? Was he seriously hearing this right? He was sure he was deluded, at some point between wakefulness and sleepfulness, that everything was jumbled and didn't make sense. He nary had the strength to sit up, his eyes heavy and closed, too weak to address properly what was being said. But perhaps he was grateful for the situation he was in, he didn't have to respond or acknowledge this now... at least he could think on it.

Swiftheart waited for his response looking up at him. Seconds seemed like an eternity as she was so nervous for what his answer would be.

He finally spoke.

I know how you feel he said.

Her eyes lit up... he ... he did? For a breif moment she allowed herself to feel hope. He knew how she felt about all this? That was amazing news that meant he liked her back???

She was about to squeal in joy ...

but then he continued.

"And I wish I could say it was for you. I really do. You mean a lot to me, Swiftheart. But I…love your brother. Even if sometimes I wish I didn’t.”

her hope vanished in the air hearing him say this.

oh was all she was able to say for the moment the usual talkative positive cat was silent for once and her face downcast, the warmth in her hopeful smile dashed turning into a pained expression of a wince.

she felt like she had the wind knocked out of her. She had been so hopeful for so long that this was not the answer. So he did not feel the same way for her... well that was always a possibility that Swiftheart knew could occur. It did not make it hurt any less however.

She looked at his bowed head her heart felt heavy knowing this but she was still glad he was honest and straight forward with her.

She gave him an understanding nod, but was still unable to speak much.

It all made sense now. How Ratrunner had acted around Nightstalker so many times... giving him long looks or how he reacted when her brother mentioned him.

She had been so focused on how she was acting and responding around him that she had missed all of this... until now. All his signs had gone by and she was oblivious to them all... she was so focused on what she wanted that she had missed what he wanted...

She closed her eyes ... how had she been so blind? ... Perhaps Ratrunner deserved someone better than her... seeing as how she could not even see what he wanted when it was so clearly right in front of her.

She felt no anger at all only sorrow for herself but she knew that would get her nowhere... no perhaps she would not be happy for right now but that didnt mean that Ratrunner couldnt be happy, she had meant what she said... she would support whatever he wanted...

Her closed eyes held back tears, she would not let any of them see her cry now. Usually she would but this was different she forced herself not to this once.

She nodded ... it was all she could do her lip quivered and her throat were all tight up not letting her speak. She looked away not able to face Ratrunners eyes again, that would be a bit too painful right now.

Deerpaw showed up and gave a rabbit to the her brother nightstalker and was cleaning his wounds. She was actually really grateful for the distraction, she looked over her brother as well trying to keep him warm and wounds clean.

She finally spoke
Ratrunner... thank you for being honest with me she tells him. I hope that you and Nightstalker can be happy together she adds on

She says no more as she waits for this nightmare to end... for it to finally be safe to return to camp... assuming they still had a camp...