Gentle Ripples (c)

Perchfall walked silently through the territory, weaving among the sparse trees with her pawsteps muffled by the snow. She had been planning to send Swanmist on this two-cat hunting patrol in the midday, but the she-cat had given birth just recently, which left an open spot that no one but she could fill. Most cats would take this as an opportunity to bond or get to know the other cat they were with. However, the deputy was distinctly uncomfortable in such situations. There was nothing wrong with Ashflight-- he seemed to be a decent enough cat, and though he was related to Jaystar, that wasn't enough to make him an untrustworthy cat. Supposedly he had returned recently from a long absence, but apparently that was more common than she had thought, so that wasn't her problem either. She just... wasn't good at making small talk. Conversation eluded her. She was a young warrior who had been made deputy on a whim, and she was patrolling with a cat far older than her who had just received his warrior name. It was a strange juxtaposition that made even her normal attempts at conversing seem more daunting than usual. However, as she padded through the chilly snow, she eventually worked herself up to attempting some words. Just a simple sentence might reach out and show that her stone-cold exterior wasn't because of judgement or unkindness... it was just how she was. "Congratulations on your warrior ceremony," she meowed quietly, her voice low and neutral. No trace of expression crossed her face as she continued to stare ahead, but her words were obviously directed towards the warrior she walked with. However, despite the emotionless exterior, she cursed herself internally. What a way to start a conversation. Perchfall... he's going to think you're an idiot. Why can't you just be normal?

Ashflight had been a bit surprised that morning when Perchfall had approached him as a patrol partner rather than one of the other warriors, but took it with his usual friendly enthusiasm, though internally he couldn't help but feel a bit nervous.  The gray-and-white deputy was young, born during his time away from the clan, and stoic.  He couldn't really seem to get a glimpse of her true emotions towards him and his return, whether she liked him or not, or even if she cared about that at all.  She was the most unfamiliar high rank to him, but hopefully, this would be a time to change that.  Padding alongside the bicolor molly, he tried to find a moment to make eye contact and start a natural conversation but before he could she spoke first without meeting his gaze.

"Ah, thank you!"  He dipped his head gratefully towards Perchfall, trying to catch her eye with a kind smile.  "I'm glad Jaystar kept the agreement that Ivystar and I made so that I didn't have to wait too long. Being squished into the apprentice's den was starting to become a nuisance for everyone in there, honestly."  Laughing a bit, he recalled the many times when he had woken up to an apprentice sprawled across his back, or his own form having overtaken a younger cat's nest.  Stopping for a moment to scratch behind his ear, he glanced up curiously at Perchfall, watching for whatever emotions his next words may elicit.  "After so many moons trying to find my way back home though, I'm just grateful to be in RiverClan again.  There's no place, and no cats, that can compare."

The tension in Perchfall's shoulders gradually released as the tom chattered away, almost chirping like a friendly bird without seeming to notice her awkwardness. Whatever his backstory, this warrior seemed to have a gift for talking to others that she simply did not possess. She turned her face to meet his, stark blue meeting cheerful green, though her face was still unmoving. It was not an unfriendly blankness, but there was still not much hint of emotion either on her features, or in her voice when she began to speak. "RiverClan is truly special," she agreed.

Against her normal conversation pattern, she spoke in more than one sentence at a time. Ashflight's almost oblivious seeming manner made her feel more comfortable with attempting more words than usual. Her tone was still a low alto, and she still communicated through brevity. For her, however, speaking at all to a cat was almost a sign of trust. "You certainly came back at a good time. The Clan has been struggling." There was no need to elaborate on how... it would be easier to list the things that RiverClan wasn't struggling with. Predators, lack of prey, relations with other Clans, small amount of warriors and large amount of kits, a juxtaposition of little food and many mouths to feed... At the reminder of her situation, Perchfall's muscles began to tense up again. What was she doing, chatting with this tom? She was wasting the time she had so little of. She should be hunting. When she was only successful in finding fish through the ice less than half the time, the potential prey were running away as she spoke.

There's no point in trying to get them to like you, anyway. You should focus on RiverClan first, not your own fish-brained personal life. The deputy of RiverClan shouldn't have a personal life.

Uncomfortable again, Perchfall turned her eyes away, beginning to walk quicker in the direction of the trees where they had planned to hunt. Maybe she should have tried to see if any other warriors were available to go with them. Being alone separately with such a kind-hearted tom made her own faults only all the more glaring.

Despite his chatter, Ashflight was grateful when Perchfall met his gaze, if even just for a short moment; he was fully aware that his extroverted nature could be annoying to some cats, that he could be too friendly, but after so long wandering unknown lands where he was forced to be cautious and untrusting the chance to finally let hid guard down again was one he had taken to gladly.  The deputy didn't seem too bothered though, at least from what he could tell.  In fact, if he were to take a guess, she even seemed a bit more relaxed than before, and he felt a bit of hope swell in his chest.  Maybe I was being critical, thinking she didn't like me.  Everyone shows their emotions differently, and some even hide them altogether.  However, as he gazed into the bicolor she-cat's pretty blue eyes, he got the sense that her stiff-lipped demeanor wasn't entirely natural to her.  He could be wrong, but Ashflight had always been good at reading the cats around him, and he got the vibe that she was holding something back, locking it inside her head.

Ashflight nodded at her next words, encouraged by her extended statement.  "Yes, I wish I had come back sooner.  I was wandering the territories for a couple moons actually before I tried coming back, had to work up the courage.  I wasn't sure if Ivystar would give me another chance after the mistakes I've made...she did though, and the rest you know."  His smile faded a bit when he noticed Perchfall suddenly tense up again, and change their leisurely course towards the Beech Copse.  He followed, green eyes darting around between the trees and the ground, but he couldn't hide the sudden worry that shadowed his round face.  Perhaps I'm talking too much about myself...  "Enough about me though, how have you been?  Becoming deputy so soon and under a leader you barely know can't be easy, but I have to say you've been handling it like a champ from my perspective.  Do you like the job?"  He knew they were supposed to be hunting, but they had plenty of daylight left for that.  For now, Ashflight jogged to keep up with her quickening pace and gazed at her curiously, wishing to see her calm down again and for a nice, relaxing pace to endure.

Though her companion continued to speak, Perchfall didn't register half of the words. She was focused on getting to the copse of beech trees where prey was most likely to be found this time of year, pawsteps striding through the reasonably thick layer of snow with a seemingly single-minded determination, though half of her mind was busy beating herself up. It wasn't usually this bad. Usually she could just do her best to not care about the efforts to converse. But Ashflight was so nice, and she was just.... well. It was in both of their best interests that she probably shut up and get to hunting.

However, about right as they reached the hunting area, the tom asked her a question she definitely wasn't prepared to answer. Do I... like being deputy? Has... has anyone actually asked me that? Jaystar asked me once how I was adjusting, but.... It caught her off guard, and she stopped, her expression actually changing as her eyes widened slightly. On most other cats it would be an unimportant change, but on Perchfall it was fairly obvious that she was shocked. How was she supposed to answer that? Did she like the enormous responsibility of the position that she was evidently unfit for? The judging eyes, the strain of lives depending on her, the lack of trust in the strange leader who had appeared out of nowhere? Well... did she?

The gray-and-white she-cat managed to keep her tone neutral when she responded, but she spoke more slowly than usual. "That is a good question," she said. "To be honest... I am not sure how to answer." If she said that she did like it, would that be arrogant as well as untrue? If she said that she disliked it, a position that many likely coveted for their whole lives, would that make her a cat who didn't appreciate what she had and should step down? How could she describe her complicated emotions towards the situation? Her icy blue eyes, fixated on the snow-covered ground of the clearing, slowly raised up to Ashflight's. He was just one cat... what harm could come from telling him the truth? "It is... difficult," she confessed finally, "for the reasons you described and more. But I feel that to say so dishonors my Clan. They deserve my full effort, especially in such dire times. What right do I have to complain?"

This was more than she had talked in a long time. But it felt nice to truly speak what was on her mind for once. However, she was once again forgetting the reason that she was out here alone with only the other warrior. RiverClan needed her, and the kits and queens needed enough prey to keep up their strength. Perchfall sighed softly. Her eyes lowered again, and she turned around, facing towards the tall, snow-coated trees. "I am sorry. We should be hunting, not listening to my unimportant woes." This is why you should keep your mouth shut. "I fear I am not much for conversation."

Though it was a question that could have many interesting answers, Ashflight hadn't quite expected it to get such a genuine reaction out of Perchfall, though somehow as he watched her icy blue eyes widen he realized this is exactly what he had wanted.  Emotion, connection, reaction...it was something he had missed for a long time, the desire that had driven him into Asylum's clutches.  Now though, such a simple reaction brought him a sense of joy and success, and he listened carefully to the deputy's slow, thought-out words.  Nodding, his green eyes wandered to the cloudy sky as he responded, thinking deeply.  "I can understand that, definitely.  I've never been one to aim for some big important position, never seen the appeal.  I watched both of my adoptive mothers struggle under the weight of their positions, Ivystar as leader and Stormbringer as deputy, and I never envied them.  However, just because something is difficult and times are hard doesn't mean you don't have the right to complain like any other cat.  My mothers got through it by confiding in each other, and to me sometimes.  If anything, I think it's honorable for a cat of any rank to admit their troubles, their desires, and their weaknesses to ones they trust.  Leadership is hard to bear alone."

Ashflight's gaze once again found Perchfall's, though now a more concerned, perhaps even serious look graced his face.  Especially at her next words, a clear attempt to dodge the conversation and return to a neutral state.  Instead, Ashflight sat down in the snow and looked steadily at her turned back, his meow firm but still gentle.  "The fact that you're calling them 'unimportant' is only convincing me that this might be the more important thing right now than hunting, which we could do the whole rest of the day if it'll make you feel better about talking for a little bit.  Please, if I'm intruding or being rude ignore me, but it worries me as a warrior that my deputy doesn't seem to have someone to turn to with her troubles.  If I can help, as a clanmate...or a friend, I'd like to offer it."  His smile returned, a soft crease that reflected both his confidence and fragility at this moment of uncertainty, but his intentions were nothing but pure.  The image of Perchfall in his mind was quickly changing from a serious, stoic, untouchable figure to an ordinary cat with her own worries and doubts, not held on a pedestal but standing with her back to him in the snow, expression unknown.  Ashflight knew though that he would regret not pushing forward, and as he waited for her response - if any - he was content in the thought that he had tried.  He offered, now she would decide if she would take his honestly not that special extension of friendship.

Perchfall stood stone-still, paws slowly sinking into the snow as her heart slowly sank in her chest, words flooding inexorably over her like the rushing of an overfilled river over a small pebble at the bottom. When was the last time she had talked this much to anyone? That anyone had talked this much to her, not at her? She was both strangely detached and overwhelmed at the sudden influx of conflicting feelings and desires. Simultaneously regretting the decision to open up and wanting to finish what she had started, her muscles locked up, and she stared forward at the beech copse, not quite able to acknowledge the surprisingly kind and gentle words of Ashflight. Her frosty eyes stared through the trees, not quite seeing them, as the internal battle raged. Finish opening up and feeling the painful emotions she'd been shoving down, or close back up and risk ruining any chance of a meaning relationship with any cat?

Whether or not she acknowledged the debate of if it was honorable or dishonorable to complain about her position, the tom was right about one thing... acting like this was not befitting of a deputy. One had to deal with all the pressures, and simultaneously be an open and available warrior, a bridge between the leader and the rest of the Clan. Jaystar had picked her because he knew nothing about her.... How could she be a bridge between the two if she didn't belong with either? That was why she had wanted to be a stone. Life was so much easier. If she could just stay silent and logical, then she could at least do her physical duties, hunting and organizing patrols. Jaystar showed little to no interest of truly trusting her. Many of her Clanmates were content to keep her at a distance. How often would she get a chance like this?

It wouldn't hurt to be open with one cat... would it? Just one?

The simultaneous warmth and pain that had been building in her chest at her confession of feeling conflicted only grew as she considered the idea. It would be worse to just pretend this had never happened, wouldn't it? To cut off her only potential link to having a real relationship? She had to act before she lost her resolve. Or lost her mind.

Slowly, Perchfall sat down on the ground, feeling the chill of snow seep into her bones, offsetting the strange and uncomfortable heat that was rising through her at interacting this way with another cat. Her thin tail swept over her paws, holding herself close, as if to offer some modicum of comfort against the strange experience. Well... it was at least worth a try. Slowly, not quite turning around, she glanced back. The warmth expanded at the sight of his nervous smile. This was probably uncomfortable for him too... Her light blue eyes gradually rose up to meet his hopeful green ones, and though her face was still devoid of any deep frown or gentle smile akin to his, there was a tentative openness in her gaze. "I have never truly had a friend before... but I am willing to try. Ashflight...."

Ashflight watched silently, patiently, as Perchfall took a seat in the cold snow and wrapped her tail around her paws, like a kit holding themselves close after a bad dream.  At first, he was worried that he had offended her, that when the patched she-cat turned back around he would get nothing but cold anger and annoyance, but his nervous smile turned out to be unfounded.  As he met her bright blue gaze, he realized that she seemed different than before.  He couldn't say what it was for sure, something in the way she held her body, in the tilt of her head, but the only way he could describe it was that her eyes looked less like stone-hard ice and more like a beautiful cloudless sky.  

"I have never truly had a friend before... but I am willing to try. Ashflight...."

Her words, seemingly ordinary and simple, resounded in his mind like the song of birds, hopeful and encouraging.  Comforting.  For a moment his expression was unreadable, a bit stunned and awed, before he smiled once more, the corners of his mouth softening as his face grew warm despite the cold breeze.  "Thank you, it's been quite a while since I've had a friend too.  If you ever need to spill your troubles to someone, I'm all ears...Perchfall."  Blinking reassuringly, Ashflight padded forward to sit beside the deputy, trying to settle a reasonable distance away.  However, a tree root hidden by the snow caught his paw, and the gray-furred tom yelped as he launched forward into her side, limbs kicking up snow as he fell ungracefully.  When he got his bearings, he realized that his head was resting against her soft-furred shoulder.

"Ah, sorry about that!  Stupid root..."  Embarrassment overtook his body, face flushed as he quickly scrambled to his paws and sat down where he meant to, trying to brush it off with a laugh.  "Ha, that's what I get for waxing poetic, eh?"  He didn't meet her gaze, instead looking out over the nearby icy river and frosty fields, internally cringing.  Why am I so clumsy all of a sudden, I always look where I'm going!  Stupid, now she's gonna think I'm some clueless kit falling over his own paws...  Trying to push aside the moment, he used his tail to point towards a small pile of sun-warmed rocks nearby.  "I'd guess that we could find some prey there, what do you think?

Still feeling strange from the admission, Perchfall felt the unusual warmth continue to burn stronger at the tom's kind and genuine response. Why was he so nice? What did he have to gain? Is this just because of his recent return? Does he want a leg up in Clan affairs? Is he trying to get me to like him because of.... Blinking hard, she dismissed the thoughts. There was no call for her to be so judgemental. Maybe he was just... a really nice cat. Who liked her for some reason. But why? What did she have to offer? He said that this was concerning to him as a warrior of RiverClan. Maybe he just doesn't want me to be a socially incompetent deputy. Another small part of her questioned why she was so desperate to find an ulterior motive. Maybe there was just a cat who liked her for who she was, or at least wanted to.

She was abruptly struck out of the spiraling thoughts and back into reality by an impact to her shoulder. Ashflight had apparently tripped and knocked into her on accident; an understandable mistake with the thick layer of snow covering the not-smooth forest floor. However, the deputy felt the warmth in her chest rise suddenly to her face at the physical contact. She rarely was so close to other cats, aside from the occasional apprentice ceremony. To feel the body heat of a tom so close to her.... Knock it off, Perchfall. What are you, a love-struck kit? "Don't worry about it," she answered quickly, an almost-imperceptible strain to her voice as she battled with the invasive feelings. Thankfully, the other warrior was looking away in apparent embarrassment, so he likely missed seeing her uncharacteristic blush. Hunting. Right. Hunting, you fish-brain, that's why we're here. "Sounds good to me." The gray and white she-cat sat up, shook some of the snow from her fur, and began to head towards the rocks. Sudden weird emotions regardless, RiverClan needed prey.