The Truth I Didn't Want to Know (Closed for Tara)

Ashstorm went to clear her head.  The world seemed like it had been crumbling all around her and all she could do was watch.  Well... all she did was watch.  The sad truth was she knew she could have probably done something.  She could have watched her daughter closer so the hawk wouldn't have taken her.  She could have been stronger and killed the fox herself before it killed her mate.  She could have stayed behind and protected Wrenspring and Blossomstep.  She could have even killed Dawnhawk if she had trapped him under the ice when she threw him into the river.  She knew she felt horrible when it happened, she would just keep feeling that, but maybe it would be better in the future.

Would I though? Ashstorm thought.  If I actually was able to go back in time, would I have the guts to do that?  I... I can't... I don't know.

Thinking of the devil, Ashstorm spotted the golden furred rogue.  Nice walks could never just be nice in Skyclan it seemed.  She was near borders and places outside of Skyclan territory so it made since that rogues like him could be there.  "Dawnhawk!"  She called, loud enough for him to hear but quiet enough that no one else would.  She walked towards him with anger in her eyes and not an ounce of fear in her.

"How could you?"  She asked.  "HOW?  You sneaked into my camp, our family's camp, when we were gone, killed an elder, an apprentice, and worst of ALL..."  She paused for a moment and swallowed.  She held back her tears.  She knew he saw them as a weakness and she wasn't going to have him have any reason to even think that she could be weak.  "Our own grandmother.  I though that maybe you were capable of loving someone, clearly I was wrong."

She didn't even think about the fact that this may be a little overwhelming to Dawnhawk.  If he didn't want things to be overwhelming he shouldn't have caused it to be like that in Ashstorm's opinion.  She took a few deep breaths.  Her anger grew in each passing moment of looking at the murderer she once called her mentor.  She felt completely broken and the entire reason was because of the cat she was talking to right now.  She had broken relationships standing up for him.  She had looked up to him.  She had called him her brother when no one else would even talk to him except for in anger.  And all she got for it was coming back to a torn apart camp which he had made.

All she had wanted to do for so much of her life was make him proud of her.  She wanted him to be proud to call her his apprentice and sister, the same as she had been proud to call him her mentor and brother for many of her moons of life.  She had no one to go to now because of him.  In a camp full of cats, she felt completely alone.

"So tell me why you did it.  And don't even try to use that silver tongue you have, I won't fall for it anymore."  Her gaze was sharp.  She wouldn't fall for anymore lies.  She wasn't an innocent apprentice looking for her mentors approval anymore.  Now she was a broken warrior who just wants everything to finally be okay.  And right at this moment, she just wanted the truth.

What had happened at the Gathering had been... intriguing to say the least. He'd dropped Dawnpaw off and watched her make it to the clearing safely. Just as he'd turned to leave to head for the river and mask his scent, lightning struck one of the Great Oaks. Klaus had spun on his heel, his fur standing on end, as he watched it burn and a part of it fall. He bolted for it, knowing that the clan cats would be distracted by the fire long enough for him to get close and investigate the chaos.

He'd heard Bloodstrike give Bearpaw, whoever that was, a good yelling. From his father's words he'd pieced together what had happened. Apparently the battle was still really fresh for a lot of cats. But Beechface? Apparently she'd been hit by the lightning. If that was the case... Skyclan was down a medicine cat. It sure would be unfortunate if he were to injure a few of them while Beechface was unable to help. He didn't know whether or not she had an apprentice, but he intended to give that apprentice a run for their prey.

He had climbed a tree part way and was testing a branch to see if it was sturdy enough to hold him when he heard his name hissed. Klaus was on that branch in an instant... though he nearly lost his footing from how wiggly it turned out to be. His eyes landed on Ashstorm and a whirlwind of mixed emotions hit him just based on seeing her alone.

"How could I?" He growled. He crouched on the branch as if he were about to push off of it and tackle Ashstorm to the ground. But she kept talking and Klaus decided to listen. He blinked. What does she mean, our grandmother? Blossomstep came to mind first, but then he tried to think of Smokefeather's mother... but she had been in the raid. Not in camp. What was Ashstorm talking about?

"If you'd shut up for a second I could answer." He hissed. His fur bristled and his claws made rough scratching noises on the bark. A lot of that previous warmth in Klaus's voice had left him... and it had left him long ago. But how could Ashstorm have known that? This could be just as much of a shock to her as it potentially could be for him.

"I didn't kill Blossomstep, so be quiet. I was there, I know who I killed." And not an ounce of remorse was in his voice. "I scratched her lightly because she didn't even bother fighting me and I didn't want her in trouble. She isn't dead and if you lie about that again we're going to have very big problems." It was not an empty threat. His tail lashed behind him a few times.

"And where in The Dark Forest does the fact that Skyclan won't leave me alone come into this? I was happy, in Windclan, with a new family. I had finally started over away from Skyclan and then Wolfstar decides to attack Windclan just because I lived there? Does this make sense to you? Is this okay to do? I noticed that you weren't in camp! So you went with them! Give me a reason to not skin you alive for that! Blossomstep stayed because she didn't want hurt me, which is more than I could say for you." He physically spat at the ground in front of Ashstorm. She'd better talk fast, or this was going to end in violence. It might anyway. Klaus was done with trying to be on good terms with any Skyclan cat after he'd been exiled a second time from his home.

Ashstorm stopped speaking immediately when Dawnhawk told her to shut up.  Oh yes, like you don't launch into monologues on the regular, she thought, but didn't say out loud.  She listened as he explained what happened, only in half belief until she realized what was happening.  She knew that his threat was real, there was no reason it woudn't be, but she didn't care.  If he was going to fight her, by this time she would gladly except the fight.  Although her anger had grown to it's near peak, she could not will her paws to hurt him just yet.

Her harsh stare intensified as he blamed her for not being at camp.  Ah, I see.  You can lie and hurt and murder, but just because I wasn't where you wanted me to be you make incorrect assumptions and call me the monster.

When he had finished, she stayed silent for a moment.  If looks could kill, her's definitely would have.  "First of all, I did not lie to you.  The only lies being said throughout this conversation have been the lies that you are telling yourself.  I'm only telling you the truth and you simply can't bare it, so why don't I just tell you more of it?  When I returned to Skyclan after what you seemed to have convinced yourself was my savage attack to kill you, I came back to our clan in pieces.  Cloudmane and Maplepaw dead and Wrenspring on the brink of death, but I'm sure that you already know that part.  The part you seem to not know, is that when I came back Blossomstep was dead on the ground.  She had been alive when we left, but I'm sure that you knew that too.  So, I need you to explain to me how she was alive then and dead when we came back and the only one who snuck into camp was you.  Why would I lie about this?  You killed her Dawnhawk, whether you want to believe it or not."

She was about to be done, when she realized that she that she had not yet answered the second thing he said.  "Oh, and also, I always thought that the raid was a bad idea.  I was too cowardly to say anything before hand, so I just went.  I quite honestly like your new family.  Well, Ashfall at least, she came to talk to me at one of the gatherings.  What you seem to have gotten wrong is that I didn't go there to hurt anyone.  Actually, I went for the opposite reason.  I wanted to make sure my family, all of my family, was okay.  I wanted to try and see if I could help you escape or if I could help anyone.  Because I am not a murderer like you."

Klaus allowed a growl to rise in his throat as Ashstorm kept talking. He did however, at least listen to everything she had to say and search her very carefully for signs of deceit. And he searched.... and searched... If she was lying, she was just as good at it as he or Wolfstar was. He shook his head, his fury starting to give way to a cold, sickening weight creeping into his chest.

"I killed the others. I meant to kill Cloudmane, but only out of frustration that Smokefeather wasn't where I thought she'd be. I took more of my anger out on Foxfire but he crumpled pretty quick. Then I dealt with Wrenspring, which was where I got this." He turned his head to the side to show claw scars from his ear, down the edge of his face and down his neck some. "An apprentice attacked me trying to help him, and I only meant to kick her off of me. Well I kicked her so hard she died. That actually was an accident but I'm not going to let it bother me."

He thought back to when he saw Blossomstep there. He ran forward and struck his claws out, but he looked away... and now that he thought about it... He never really saw where he struck her. Had he... had he actually struck something vital??

"I... I didn't even hit her that hard..." This had to be a mistake. "You're sure no one else came in after me? I do have more enemies than just Skyclan you know. A certain Windclan cat I know ratted me out to you guys." He had his suspicions about Shrikestorm, but he'd leave the name off of his tongue for now. "Maybe they tried to find me and Blossomstep fought with them." He was trying to find every excuse or explanation in the world. He didn't kill Blossomstep.

Furthermore... Blossomstep couldn't be dead.

"Do you have any proof that she's dead?" His tone was hardly aggressive at this point. And Ashstorm was probably telling the truth about going to the Windclan raid to keep her family safe. That sounded more like something she would do. "I told Ashfall to find you. I named her after you." Why did that seem like a lifetime ago? He'd been a different cat then.

Ashstorm sighed when Dawnhawk explained why he killed Cloudmane.  "So, killing others out of anger is okay, huh?" She exclaimed, but said nothing else as he continued.  She almost felt... bad for Dawnhawk when she saw him figure it out.  He really didn't know... she realized with a little bit of sympathy going through her.  Why do I still care about how he feels?  WHY?

He finished speaking and Ashstorm's head tilted.  "She's named after me?"  A bit of pride went through her.   She felt happy that this may have meant Dawnhawk maybe really cared about his family and her as a sister.  But as quick as this feeling came it left, because she realized there was much more important things to talk about.  She also wasn't about to fall into the trap of thanking him for that or anything.  One small act of kindness didn't make her forget all that had happened recently.

"Not one other cat came, according to those that were there that were still alive." She informed him.  She thought hard about what proof she could give him.  She couldn't really bring another Skyclan cat there to tell him that she was telling the truth.  Finally, she had an idea, probably not a great idea, but an idea.  "Come with me.  I'll show you proof."

She flicked her tail and turned.  She went back to be more on the side of Dawnhawk.  She didn't want him to be behind her where she couldn't see him, just in case he was lying and was going to try to kill her also.  She wasn't about to let her guard down anymore, she knew better than that.  She was ready to fight, just in case.  She was angry but the closer she went to where they were going, her anger and hatred became a little less and turned a bit more into more sadness.

Ashstorm took Dawnhawk to where Blossomstep was buried.  It still smelled a little like her.  The grey she-cat's eyes filled with tears, but none of them went down her face yet.  "This is where we buried her," Ashstorm told him.  Her voice no longer had sharp full on anger in it, it was more of a sad emptiness.  She put her head down.  Losing Blossomstep knowing that she could have been there to protect her was one of the worst things she had ever felt.  She closed her eyes and a tear dropped on the dirt that covered Blossomstep's body.  She could not bare it.  She couldn't.  Dawnhawk had made her life almost like a living Dark Forest and she didn't help to stop any of it.  Now, because of how cowardly she was to not say anything about staying back with the rest, her grandmother was dead.

She didn't even move her head up or open her eyes.  She trusted Dawnhawk to not hurt her at this moment, whether bravely or stupidly she didn't know.  "Now do you believe me?"  She asked quietly, her voice trembling.

Klaus glowered at Ashstorm, completely at peace with his decision to kill Cloudmane. However, his mood swiftly changed when Ashstorm confirmed that she had proof of Blossom's death. "I'll follow but I'm staying in the trees." He informed her. He kept pace with her through tree branches and even leaped across to other trees with ease. He wanted to have that vantage point to make sure she wasn't leading him into a trap. He knew she'd probably be mad about his raid on the camp. Maybe her attitude towards him had changed, and he was on guard for that reason.

Once she took him to some mounds of dirt, he looked around for any cat trying to hide in ambush. Seeing none, he cautiously climbed down to the ground and joined Ashstorm. The dirt was... fresh. There were three mounds... One small enough for an apprentice... and two or adult sized cats.

"I won't be mad if you tell me you're lying." His voice shook. Despite what he said, he stepped forward and gently inhaled the scent of both mounds. One smelled like old cat...

One of Blossomstep.

Klaus went rigid. For several moments he stood there. Slowly his vision fogged over. Slowly his heart broke. He sank to the ground and grabbed the piles of dirt in his claws. He pulled some of it close to him and his shoulders shook. He hid his face under his paws and the black soil. He curled his tail tightly around his body as if he was taking a defensive curled position.

"I didn't... I didn't." He insisted over and over. "She was alive, Ashstorm! She was alive when I left. I wouldn't have taken Dawnpaw with me if I thought I..." He choked. And after that he only shook and sucked in sharp breaths. It took him several moments before he could speak again, and his voice was weak.

"I'm sorry Blossomstep." He inhaled her scent again, only this time with a more forceful sniff he could smell the putrid scent of death that claimed her body. "I don't know how that killed her." He finally pulled his face away from the dirt, though now his face was dirty. The vain white and gold cat didn't seem to care. He pushed himself away from the dirt mound and looked at Ashstorm. She was the only one in Skyclan left that didn't hate him... or did she now? The uncertainty forced the glare back into his eyes, though he looked far less threatening now with tears soaking his face.

"Well... what are you going to do now? You've got me here... Are you going to try to kill me? Are you going to take me to Wolfstar so he can execute me in front of the whole clan?" He did his best to latch onto rage... because rage was far easier to deal with than guilt and grief. He took up a defensive fighting stance.

"I didn't mean to kill Blossomstep! I would never have wanted to kill her, of all the cats in Skyclan! Only you, her and Tornshadow are exempt. I only wanted Smokefeather... she is the reason for all of this! But I will absolutely kill anyone in my way. She is an evil, rotten rat and doesn't deserve peace!" He started to breathe faster as he allowed anger to overwhelm him.

"So what's your plan now? Is this where we fight, Ashstorm? Is this where I take another life from Skyclan?" His emotions were all over the place, flickering between unyielding fury and a bottomless pit of agonizing grief.

"I wish I could tell you I was,"  Ashstorm replied to Dawnhawk's first comment.  Ashstorm finally looked back over to him.  Sympathy ran through her.  She knew exactly what he was feeling.  She knew what it felt like to feel like you killed someone you loved, only that she ended up finding out that cat was alive.  Only part of that cats soul had died, not the cat himself.

Ashstorm stayed quiet, completely still, and had no showing emotion to what he was saying besides the sadness that still lay in her eye from knowing that Blossomstep was gone.  Even his threat to kill her... Her expression didn't change.  She simply lifted her head.  She didn't really know how to feel about what he said.  She couldn't make anything better for anyone, no matter how much she wanted to.  If she could turn back time, she would have, just to be able to see the smiles on Skyclan cats faces once more.  And to feel her own true smile of happiness, it had been a while.

"I... I want you to listen to me,"  She said.  Her voice still sort of trembled, but she was ready in case he did actually fight her.  "After I'm done, sure.  Go ahead and fight me if that's what you want.  But first I just beg that you listen and actually care about what I say."

She swallowed, holding back tears once again.  "I'm going to do exactly what you trained me not to as an apprentice and I'm going to share how I truly felt when I came back to Skyclan that day.  Oh, Dawnhawk... I wanted to kill you.  I hated what you did and I wanted to get revenge.  I wanted to replace sorrow with anger because it was easier, just like what I'm guessing you're doing right now.  After you had gone, Blossomstep was the only one I really felt I could talk to without being scolded at halfway through.  Then she was dead... and then I felt completely and utterly alone.  So, apparently, somewhere in my mind that meant that that I needed to kill you.  I needed to inflict you with the same pain that I know she had before her death."

There was a brief pause as Ashstorm wondered about the next part of what she was going to say herself, but soon found that it was completely true.  "But I'm not going to.  Because deep down I know that you still have a little bit of light in you.  And why should I kill you to avenge her death if I know that killing you would not be what she wanted?  She would want me to see the good.  To see that light, that you are hiding."

Her emotions were all scrambled now.  She was angry, sad, compassionate, sympathetic and rage-filled. "I must say when I first saw you I was thinking that this was going to end with us trying to kill each other, but deep down I know that I could never kill you.  I've often wondered why when everyone else claims you're not there family or tried to kill you why I was never like them, now I know.  You see, both me and I bet Blossomstep choose to see the light, when everyone else just sees darkness.

Now I'm not saying I won't fight you or that I'm just forgiving you for these horrible acts.  Don't get me wrong, fighting you does seem like a good offer right now, but I'm not going to start it because that isn't what Blossomstep would want me to do.  And the best way for her to live on is for us to take on the light that she had.  And I know that she'd want you too embrace the good that you still have in you as well.

So, no, I'm not going to fight you.  I'm not going to kill you.  I am certainly not taking you to Wolfstar.  So, go ahead.  Try to kill me if I'm somehow in your way of killing Smokefeather.  Come and fight me if that's what you want.  But I'm not going to kill you."

Beg? Ashstorm thought she had to beg him to listen to her? She thought too lowly of herself. Klaus would always listen to her. He wasn't going to reassure her of that though. He was just going to let her talk. The longer he listened, the rose he felt. He felt sick. His eyes went to her paws and they stayed there long after she had finished speaking.

"I didn't kill her on purpose." He said again, as if saying it would reverse what he'd done. He didn't expect Ashstorm to answer. He just needed to say it again for his own sake. His eyes finally met her's again, though they had softened considerably.

"Are you letting me go without a scratch only because of Blossomstep? You have always done what other cats have wanted you to do Ashstorm. I told you to get to know the Asylum better, even after everything I had done and they had done. You did it. You didn't want to go on that raid, but you went. You're not going to do anything to me because Blossomstep wouldn't want that." His eyes hardened a bit and his tail lashed once.

"Do you know how frustrating that is for me to hear? Stars Ashstorm! Think for yourself for once! Think! Dig deeper and tell me what it is that you want! You took pride in being my apprentice, maybe you still do. Well guess what? I don't want my apprentice, my sister, the only cat left in this world who probably still sees the good in me that just isn't there, to be a mere pawn in someone else's bigger plans just because she wants to please everyone else!

Do you want me dead? Do you want to let me go? Stop thinking about me, or Wolfstar, or Blossomstep. Make that decision for yourself!"

The frustration was clear in his voice. It was a slightly higher pitch than normal and his fur wouldn't lie flat. He was going to leave here after tonight and abandon his original goal to hurt more Skyclan cats. At least for tonight. He wouldn't even leave a mark on Ashstorm unless she decided for herself that that is what she wanted. He'd never just swipe blindly at someone again... because apparently that killed them.

"You're not the only one that feels alone with her gone, by the way." He added it as a small act of comfort for his sister, but he didn't know how much it really mattered anymore.

Ashstorm looked down when Dawnhawk restated that he didn't mean to kill Blossomstep.  She knew that now, but she didn't know what to say back to it.  He may have not meant to kill her, but he did.  It didn't really bring Ashstorm too much more comfort.  It made her feel worse for him though, which she didn't want.  She almost wanted for him to act like a villain, because that would mean that someone was clearly in the wrong.  But she knew that wasn't how it worked, no one was ever truly the villain, the same as no one was ever truly good.

She flinched at the rest of what he said.  Is it true? She wondered. Has my whole life, every choice I've made, just because of what others say I should do?  She shivered at the thought.  She honestly didn't know.  She didn't know what she should do.  She had always been one to do what others have wanted, convincing herself that she wanted it too.

"I..." She started, but didn't know how to finish.  She stayed silent for a little bit as she contemplated what she could say.  What was the truth?  Finally, she figured out her answer.  "I don't want to kill you.  I... I don't want to kill anyone.  Last time I did I couldn't forgive myself."

She again went silent for a minute, when she realized she began to talk about someone else again.  "I guess it's just easier for me to go along with what others want me to do, because then I don't need to deal with all the disappointment.  But... if I'm being true to what I'd want, I wouldn't want to see anyone I love get hurt and that includes you, at least for right now."

She looked up to meet his gaze once more.  "As you probably know, I know the feeling of thinking I accidently killed someone I loved.  Only I got the pleasure of knowing that I didn't."

Her stare intensified.  The bit of anger that was there before came back.  "But don't mistake my empathy for weakness.  If you come after someone I love again, I will do whatever it takes to stop you, if it means saving someone else's life."  She still wasn't sure if she wanted to hurt him to show him a lesson or not.  Ultimately, she decided not to.  She knew now that he didn't know what he was doing and she could sort of understand that.  Not that she suddenly stopped feeling the ache in her chest since Blossomstep died, or that she just forgave him and pretended like it was nothing, but she didn't want to become a killer.  She didn't want to be that cat that would hurt those that she loved just to attempt to teach her a lesson.

Still, her threat was real.  Each time he betrayed her or did something wrong to her family, her anger and rage towards him grew.  Right now, she had not broken even though she was so close to it, but never say never.