Are You Different From the Rest (Blossomstep)

Ashstorm sat at the edge of camp looking out as the sun was beginning to sink beneath the trees and the moon starting to show through.  She thought about going hunting, but did not know if she could.  She claws sunk into the now softer Newleaf soil locking her in place as she thought about what had happened recently.  The wind that flew through her fur caused her to close her eyes from dryness as it hit her face.  One of her kits was gone, two of her brothers were gone, and her mate died trying to save her.  The worst part was that she could not share the sorrow over his death or the hurt that she felt with her mentor and brother being gone and maybe never seeing him again with anyone.  They cheered when the Asylum left.  They banished her own mate, who hurt no one, for simply being part of the group.  They would probably just laugh and say that both of them deserved it if she said a thing.  And another bad part of it was, she wasn't sure if she felt like more of a Skyclan or Asylum member, even though the Asylum had left.

Hearing paw steps made her eyes open and she gently turned her head to see her grandmother walking towards her.  "Hello," she greeted Blossomstep with a shy smile.  Her claws stopped clinging to the ground, but the sadness she felt was still with her.

She hadn't been blind, Blossomstep had noticed the shift in Ashstorm since Asylum's defeat. However, there had been another one, a somewhat subtle one, a few days after they had gone. She had been watching her grandkit as much as she could, and couldn't shake the feeling that something more was wrong. Finally, she spotted Ashstorm once again, and quickly walked over to her. Concern and worry filled her expression as she settled next to the younger warrior. "Hi, Ashstorm. It's been a while since we've talked, far too long really... Are you alright?"

Ashstorm looked at the look on her grandmother's face and saw worry.  She did not mean to worry her at all.  "I'm-" she started then paused.  "I'm fine" was always her default answer, but in reality she was not.  "Not fine."  She said honestly.  "Fun fact, Himbo Bob's death was my fault."  She made a brief, not real smile and then her face relaxed.  "That night, when Himbo Bob was banished, he told me to meet him a few days later.  I know I shouldn't have disobeyed Wolfstar, but he was my mate and the father of my kits.  Part of the reason I went was to see if the kits could see him again later.  So, I went and met him where he said to meet him and it was nice to see him again for a few minutes.  And then a stupid fox came.  Remember when I came back to camp with a hurt leg and said it was a hunting injury?  Well, the fox gave me that.  I felt like I could not stand and was so shocked that I couldn't fight anymore, so I stayed to the ground.  The fox camp up and was about to kill me, when he attack the fox and killed it, but not before-"

She cut herself off.  Blossomstep did not need to worry about this, but some of what she had been not saying for a while just spilled out of her.  "I'm sorry," she whispered.

Blossomstep tensed slightly as Ashstorm began to speak, expecting the "I'm fine" response she was certain was coming. It was something she said herself, more often than she cared to think about. However, she was shocked as Ashstorm admitted she wasn't fine, and started to unload what was bothering her. Curling her tail around her grandkit, the older warrior kept quiet as she listened to what had been plaguing Ashstorm for so long. Grief for her loss filled her eyes as Ashstorm revealed what had really happened, and Blossomstep moved closer, pressing her shoulder to her grandkit reassuringly. When she apologized, Blossomstep tenderly licked the top of her head. "No, Ashstorm, you have nothing to apologize for my dear. I'm sorry." Blossomstep mewed, looking at her grandkit. "I should have been paying more attention. I should have spoken up, when Wolfstar demanded all Asylum cats leave. I let you down, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that he's no longer with us. I'm glad you got to see him one more time, but I wish the circumstances were different." Blossomstep mewed softly, recalling the... odd, but not unkind, tom. He hadn't deserved that, and neither did Ashstorm and their kits.

Ashstorm felt her grandmother's tail curl around her trying to comfort her.  She felt the soft lick on the top of her head.  Being comforted was something that she really truly needed.  Blossomstep began blaming herself, making Ashstorm feel somewhat bad for making her grandmother feel that way.  She did not mean it like that... she did not blame Blossomstep at all.  Wolfstar?  Sure, yes, part of her blamed him, but mostly she blamed herself.  "I... I did not mean to make you feel bad,"  she replied.  "You did not do anything wrong."  Her eyes were on the ground, but her words were definitely for her grandmother.  In Ashstorm's eyes, Blossomstep was one of the few good, true and amazing cats that she had left.

Blossomstep shook her head slightly, bending to try to meet Ashstorm's eyes. "My dear, I am here for you in this moment. There are things I could have, and should have done, and I regret them, but right now I'm focused on you. You've been through so much recently, some I knew and some I wasn't fully aware of, and though I couldn't help in the moment, I'm here and would love to help now, if you want me. Even if it's just to listen, or comfort you, or hold you close, I'll do whatever it is you need for however long you need. You can come to me with anything, always, and I'll do my best to understand and help."

Ashstorm's eyes met her grandmother's.  "Thank you,"  she said softly.  "You're one of the few who have cared enough to even ask if I was okay or tell me you are here for me."  She paused.  She again looked at the ground, ready to Blossomstep another story that she had told no one else so far.  She inched a little closer to her grandmother, slightly leaning on her because of this feeling that she could not stand.

"I wish I could say that was the only horrible thing that happened because of me."  Her stare was cold as it stared at the green grass around her paws.  She was truly grateful to have Blossomstep there, even if it was just to talk.  Knowing someone in this world was still there for her was something that she really needed right now.  "I heard that they were going to kill Dawnhawk when the Asylum was defeated and I thought he might be on his way back so I tried to find him to warn him.  When I got found him, I saw a cat scratch him, that was it.  The other cat was not a Skyclan cat.  I did not think and... and I threw him into the icy river!  And I killed the other cat! I did not mean to do either, I was not thinking.  But I killed someone.  And I almost killed my own brother and mentor.  I could have killed him, Blossomstep!"

She grew silent.  Tears started filling her eyes, but they did not come out.  She did not tell anyone else yet, but she was pretty sure Blossomstep was one of the few cats that still loved Dawnhawk despite everything.  She closed her eyes, unable to look at whatever expression was on Blossomstep's face.

Ashstorm met her gaze with her own, and Blossomstep nodded. "You're welcome, my dear." Her grandkit inched closer and leaned against her, and the older she-cat welcomed the contact. It seemed as though there was more that Ashstorm wanted to say, so she waited patiently. She wasn't kept waiting for long, as the she-cat leaning against her looked towards the ground and the emotion in her gaze shifted. She stayed quiet while Ashstorm spoke, the only indication of her surprise being a subtle drawing of her tail closer. So that was why he had seemed so nervous there by the river. Had he thought she would push him in as well? As tears welled in her granddaughter's eyes, Blossomstep pulled her close, tucking Ashstorm's head under her chin.

"Oh Ashstorm, I'm so sorry that happened. All of it. I don't know who that other cat was, but if they scratched him they may have been attempting to harm him. I don't think you threw him into the river on purpose, my dear. If you are struggling with the weight of the other cat's death, why don't you and I go to the river together? We can pay our respects to them, and see if that will bring you some peace. How does that sound? As far as Dawnhawk, he didn't die thankfully. If I see him again, I can talk to him if you'd like, or if the two of you should ever cross paths I hope that both of you can talk and make peace with each other." Blossomstep offered, trying to console her grandkit.

Ashstorm blinked her tears away while Blossomstep spoke.  Blossomstep was so kind to her and she wished she had not had broken down in front of her.  Looking at her grandmother she began to speak.  "Yes, I hope so too."  She paused and thought about the rest of what Blossomstep said for a moment.  "Going to the river sounds good."  That was all she said, not having too much energy to speak after everything she said before.  She started to stand, sort of wobbling, but eventually found her grounding.

"Alright, I'll go with you. Every step of the way." Blossomstep mewed, offering her grandkit her shoulder to stabilize on. With everything that the she-cat had just laid out to her, she was a little surprised she had the strength to stand at all. She was certainly a strong one, her Ashstorm. As they began to head to the river, Blossomstep matched her pace to Ashstorm's, offering her shoulder and support whenever she seemed to need it, and taking breaks whenever Ashstorm had to. She would be sure to help her granddaughter the whole time, as much as she could. Once they reached the river, Blossomstep turned to look at Ashstorm again. "Shall we?" She asked, waiting for the other she-cat's response before moving any further.

Ashstorm gave her grandmother a small smile, but nothing more, saving the last bit of energy she had to walk.  She walked slowly and without the skip in her step that she normally had.  She would stop walking sometimes, needing a break and leaned on Blossomstep when she needed to.  As weird as it sounds, the last bit of support that she felt she had died when Himbo Bob died and left when Dawnhawk left.  It was nice for her to feel a bit supported again, even if she did feel bad about unloading everything on Blossomstep.

Her expression was a blank stare when her grandma asked the question.  She did not feel exactly ready to face the horrible, awful thing that she did but... she knew she needed to.  She needed to get this part over with, maybe then she could finally start letting go of it.  Not that she would ever stop blaming herself, but at least it may stop the constant anger she felt towards herself for doing so.  No, no, no, I'm not ready yet she thought.  But what came out of her mouth was "yes."  Her paws felt stuck to the ground and like she could not move.  Her look towards Blossomstep was one of sorrow.  "The cat died right over there."  She gestured towards it with her head.  She did not walk up yet because she felt she could not move.  She swallowed and looked at the place where it happened.

"WHY?!" Echoed in her head as the last thing Dawnhawk said before hitting into the icy water.  Even though she knew he was alive it still hurt her to think about that she did almost kill him.  At the moment she had the same question.  Why did she do that?  Why did she kill that cat and hurt her brother?  Why was she not thinking that day?  And could I do that to someone else I care about?  That thought terrified her.  She could have never thought of doing that to Dawnhawk and yet she did.  At the moment, her own darkness was the thing that terrified her the most.

There were times that Ashstorm needed to rest on her, and Blossomstep readily helped her steady herself until she was ready to continue. Her grandkit agreed, but it seemed as though something was holding her in place, perhaps herself and her own anger and fear and regret. Ashstorm fixed her with a sorrowful gaze, and Blossomstep pressed her shoulder against the other she-cat's gently. "I see..." She mewed softly, looking towards where she had gestured. "Come, let's pay our respects, and we can discuss further, alright? The first step is usually the hardest. I believe that you can do it though." She encouraged, placing on a paw on the ground in front of them.

Ashstorm nodded slowly at Blossomstep.  She heavily breathed in and out once.  Then she put her paw forward on the ground in front of her.  Then another.  Then another.  Soon, with Blossomstep being there for her, she was to the spot were it happened.  The pools of blood seemed to be washed away by the rain.  She did not feel much like speaking out loud so she just dipped her head down and prayed to Starclan for forgiveness and that the other cat was there with them.  She did not know much of the cat, but she wished them well.  After some moments of doing this, she lifted her head.  She regained some of her strength, and, even though there still was a lot of pain, there was less.  She looked at her grandmother gratefully.  "Thank you," she said.

One step after another, and after what felt like only a few heartbeats and moons at the same time they had reached their destination. Ashstorm lowered her head, and Blossomstep did the same. She prayed for the cat that had lost her life in this spot, and also for her grandkit. She prayed that StarClan would give her the strength to forgive herself, and the courage to learn from what had happened. When she opened her eyes, Ashstorm had also raised her head and was looking at her. Tears threatened her eyes and she nuzzled her granddaughter's head. "You're welcome, my love. I'm proud of you for facing this. Let's go home, shall we?" She mewed, placing her tail on the other she-cat's back.

Ashstorm was happy that Blossomstep pushed her to do this.  And Blossomstep payed her respects too, not just Ashstorm.  She felt... lighter than she did before.  Her grandmother spoke and placed her tail on Ashstorm's back.  She nodded.  "Yes," She said with a small smile.  "Let's go back home."  Then she thought, Maybe this will help me feel like Skyclan really is my home again.