After some time spent debating over whether or not I should open up about this, I finally decided it was best to; I disappear or panic far too often to not explain myself.
I have Schizoaffective Disorder.
Schizoaffective Disorder is somewhat of a mix between bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. I have terrible mood swings, a short temper, paranoid delusions, and I see and hear things that aren’t real.
My delusions are more prevalent than my hallucinations. I am constantly worried about persecution, of people plotting to dethrone me behind my back, and of people leaving me. The police are after me, my information will be stolen, my friends all hate me. I am scared and untrusting of everyone, and I always will be.
I hear children’s voices, and whispers. I hear stepping on the ground, and I see shapeless men in the corner of my eye. Sometimes they stand in the middle of the street, and make me worry that they’ll be ran over. Sometimes they watch me sleep.
I’ve been taking medication and participating in therapy for a while now, and the symptoms have been easier to manage than ever before. But I still worry, and I’m still haunted. I’m getting better everyday, but it’s still a struggle.
I love you all. Thank you for reading.
-Ryan, or Mug
