Bright Light or Another Shadow? (Closed for Tara)

Ashstorm had lost all hope... And then Copperfox came back to camp with Birdpaw.  Copperfox was bloody and had been fighting someone, who Ashstorm originally thought was just another predator or rogue, but then the news spread of how it was Dawnhawk.  Normally, anyone hurting her siblings would anger her, as it did a little, but mostly she was filled with joy.  Not many knew of what she had done and she liked that, however some of the guilt immediately vanished and the weight she felt like was pulling her to the ground suddenly became less.  Of course she could not let any cat know this.

Although she was happy, she did not discount all the horrible things her brother had done... Like why did he kill Featherkit?  Was he trying to protect her like she had tried to protect him?  She had no idea, but she hoped to see him again and ask him this.  She would say she was going out hunting when secretly she would walk towards the borders of Skyclan territory looking for him.  She needed proof he was okay... She needed to know that she did not hurt him.

Finally, she spotted him.  Her eyes watered with happiness seeing the cat that not long ago she was convinced she would never see again.  "Dawnhawk!" She said, unable to hide the smile that came on her face.  She was far enough away from camp that she doubted anyone could hear her.  She came towards him, wanting to rub against him affectionately, but stopped herself, betting that Dawnhawk would not want that.  "I'm so glad that you're safe."  She looked at the two scars on either side of his neck and swallowed remembering what she had done.  "I'm so sorry!  I never wanted to hurt you.  They said if anyone was to find you that they should kill you and I was trying to find you and tell you about it before you came back and I saw that other cat attacked you and I freaked out and did not know what to do."  She spoke fast, barely taking a breath in between anything she said.  "I'm just so glad you're okay... You are okay, right?"

For that moment she completely forgot about what he did to Featherkit, Birdpaw, and Copperfox.  As she looked at her brother all she could see was her mentor and who she used to think was her hero.

Call him ambitious or foolish, but Dawnhawk actually made an attempt to catch a fish. He stayed in the more shallow parts of the river, not interested in going down that path ever again. He did however, try to go all in to get a fish that looked particularly tasty... but it was almost like the fish were not in the place that they appeared to be. Dawnhawk slipped forward and soaked his whole front half, of which he immediately jumped back out of the river with a frustrated hiss. He shook himself out quickly and moved into a ray of sun, grateful that he hadn't taken another unsolicited trip in the river. He looked at himself in the reflection of the water, noting that his scars were now visible once his fur was wet and clung to his body.

He stared at the marks on his shoulder with disdain, as some of the new slashes had come from Copperfox. It still surprised him that his cowardly younger brother had actually found it in himself to fight back... let alone the threats to end Dawnhawk's life. Well... I won't be needing those captain scars anymore anyway. With that realization, he sighed. They almost didn't even look like captain scars put there deliberately anymore... Copperfox's claws had sunk in deep.

Suddenly a familiar voice called out to him and Dawnhawk spun. Spotting Ashstorm, the pale tom side stepped swiftly away from the river's edge. You're not doing that to me again! He thought with a growl. Then as she came closer, he saw the expression on her face. She wasn't.... angry? Dawnhawk dropped his chin to his chest to guard his throat anyway. She was his apprentice once... and he taught her how to lie and deceive.

The more she talked and the more time that went on however, the more sincere she seemed. "Oh, you mean Eos..." His voice was level, but he remembered that she sacrificed herself willingly to save him... even if it ended up backfiring a bit. He wasn't about to explain it to Ashstorm though. It wasn't more guilt that she needed.

"I'm... fine... are you?" He was still guarded and untrusting, noting that her eyes went to the scars on his neck. He made sure to keep at least a fox-length and a half between them at all times. Her story made sense and on some level he trusted her... but he felt that he couldn't be too careful.

"I won't be on Skyclan territory as long as nothing happens to Tornpaw." It sounded like nothing was going to happen to her though, if Birdpaw spoke the truth. Still, he wanted to keep checking in. He didn't trust any Skyclan cat now.

Ashstorm noticed how he seemed to be on guard and not trusting her.  Not that she felt that he should think she was trustworthy after what she did, but it made her shiver to know that her mentor felt that way towards her.  She took a step back and lowered her head to try to show him that she was no threat.  Eos... she thought.  She did not know the cat but it seemed like her brother did.  Did he know her?  Was she not attacking him?  Suddenly she began to think that Eos was not hurting him.  She realized that would mean that she killed the cat for no reason.

He asked if she was okay, which felt like a strange question considering that she was safe at camp.  Physically, she was fine, but if she was being honest she had not been emotionally fine for a while.  Although, she was pretty sure most of Skyclan was not emotionally fine at this point so she did not try to dwell on it.

"Oh, I'm fine," she responded.  He mentioned how he would not come back to Skyclan and she knew it was the right thing for him to do but... She wished so badly that things could go back to when she was an apprentice and her family could go back to how they were before, but she sadly knew that was impossible.

"As much as it pains me to say, that's a good choice."  Her golden eyes met his azure ones.  Her eyes showed sincerity from her words.  "You need to believe me when I say that if I can do anything I would even give my own life to make sure nothing happens to Tornpaw.  She's sweet, innocent."  She lifted her head again, but did not come any closer, in case Dawnhawk still did not trust her.  She meant what she said, but she did not know if he knew that.

"What happened to you?"  She looked at him with concern.  "I mean after..." she paused not wanting to say it, but was pretty sure that he knew what she was talking about.  "How did you get back here?"

Her confusion was apparent, which only confused Dawnhawk further. She was... okay with what he did to Featherkit? That couldn't be the case. Ashstorm wasn't cruel. Something was wrong. At the mention of giving her life to defend Tornpaw however, that much he did believe. His next thought was that she must not have believed the news when she heard it, which only put him in a position he wasn't sure he wanted to be in. He was glad that she asked him about what had happened to him after the river instead. If this would get back to Tornpaw, then good.

"You certainly almost killed me." His spoke calmly with a straight, stoic face. "Twolegs passed by in their monster and picked me up. I can't remember much of what happened after that, but I remember waking up and feeling warm again. They took me to their nest and kept me in a room for a few days. They took care of me the way queens take care of kits... they were alright I guess. The instant I had the strength to leave, I left. They had a kittypet named Mocha and he knew how to get the doors open, but would only do it if I told him my life story. So I did. I made my way back here after a few days of following the river upstream and Bloodstrike told me the news of my sentence from Wolfstar." He knew that he wasn't allowed back.

"As long as Tornpaw is alright, then I don't intend to sneak back into Skyclan where I'm not welcome. I'll be around though, just in case."

She listened intently when he told the story of his adventures, but at the beginning when he mentioned that she almost killed him, her eyes drew to the ground for a moment and her paws shifted uncomfortably beneath her.  The rest of what he said however she was very interested in.  She pondered over what life as a kittypet would look like.  Would it be boring and not worth it or safe and free to do what you wanted?  If it were up to her, she would explorer the different clans, but it was not up to her and she hadn't even been to Fourtrees yet.

She wanted to ask about Featherkit, but first her joy clouded her better judgement.  And now she did not feel like just randomly saying 'oh, by the way, did you actually kill our sister'.  She would... When she felt like it was a good time to.

"I can't believe you went to the Twoleg's nest," She said instead, to the response to his story.  "That's probably why I could not find you.  I searched all of the river in Skyclan territory for a while after before... well, I thought the worst."  She paused.  "Then Copperfox came back to camp and, I sort of had mixed feelings, but mostly I was just really glad to hear that you were alive." She explained, still feeling the need to make sure that he knew that she was not actually hoping to kill him.  "I'm happy Bloodstrike told you before you went into the territory.  And I'm really sorry that Wolfstar made the rule.  It wasn't good of him.  No matter what you did you are still family."  Then she paused, with a slight worried expression.  Although I really, really hope you did not kill Featherkit or that you had a really, really, really good reason why... or I may need to rethink everything I thought about you originally.

Dawnhawk was starting to relax, but he was still ready to react violently if need be. "If Smokefeather and Beechface were like you and Blossomstep, I probably wouldn't have made a lot of the choices that I have." His voice was hollow and his expression was unreadable, but he meant it. Regardless, he wasn't about to dwell on it. What was done was done. Finally, carefully, he sat. "I'll be alright. It will be a little tougher on my own but I've always been tough. Bloodstrike would never allow himself to have weak children." That much was apparent when he ordered Dawnhawk and Beechface to fight a dog... a massive dog... when they were still apprentices.

They could have died. They all could have.

"If you watch out for Tornpaw I would appreciate it. Don't let anything happen to her, and if they try anything, please get her out of there and find me. I'll keep her with me if Skyclan isn't safe for her." His eyes dropped to the floor. Until then... I know she'd be better of in Skyclan, as much as that pains me.

"That's why he made you my mentor," she said in response to Dawnhawk mentioning how Bloodstrike would not have weak children.  Ashstorm was hurt with the knowledge that he would not be in Skyclan anymore, but she already sort of guessed that after the kill on site order was sent out about him.  It made horrible sense that pained her to know it was the best thing he could do on his part.

Ashstorm's smile faded and she began to have a kind but serious look on her face. "Don't worry, I'll make sure Tornpaw stays safe."  She unfortunately knew that she most likely would not see Dawnhawk for a while after since he would not stay in Skyclan, meaning that she would need to ask the question that was eating at her now or never.  The expression on her face again changed, this time showing worry and sadness.

"Dawnhawk..." She started not knowing what to say next. "Beechface told me something that, well, I don't think it's true, but I need to know for sure."  She paused again.  She still held on to the last bit of hope she had that Beechface was lying, but she still was unsure if she wanted to hear his answer.  "Were you really the one to kill Featherkit... to kill our sister?"

Ashstorm didn't even need to finish her sentence. At the mention of Beechface he knew what was coming. He hadn't prepared much for this moment. Still, he had a way of coming up with things on the fly, one of his many talents next to singing. It was in his interest to keep as many allies as possible, and even though several in the clan knew they truth and he had admitted it to Blossomstep, he wasn't about to share it with Ashstorm.

"I did," He looked away. "I meant to hit the nightstriker... We were already engaged in combat and claws were flying... and I hit Featherkit. She was dead immediately. Beechface assumed I did it on purpose and attacked me. I killed my guard, though that wasn't my intention at first, then I had to fight Beechface as well. She hates me Ashstorm, you know she does. Once I dropped her, Smokefeather told me she hated me and how much better things would have been if she'd just killed me as a kit." He looked back at Ashstorm and his tail thumped on the ground.

"I don't expect forgiveness, but I didn't mean to do it." The words flowed off of his lips as smooth as silk. Not bad for on the fly... not just to see if Ashstorm was going to buy into it.

Ashstorm listened to his story.  Something didn't add up.  It seemed like if he did kill Featherkit accidentally, wouldn't he stop combat?  Why would he be fighting the Nightstriker in the first place?  She knew her brother and unfortunately she also knew that he sometimes changed the story slightly.  Trying to lie or hide her emotions was something he even trained her to do when she trained as an apprentice with him.  Beechface told the story completely differently.  Even if she was wrong and he was telling the truth, hopefully doubting him would give her the answer she needed.  Although, if any part of what he claimed Smokefeather said to him was true, she would need to talk to her mom about that, but since she did not know, she did not feel like giving him sympathy just yet.

"You have no idea how much I want what you say to be true," She said, her tone sort of sad.  "If I was a different cat I would probably believe you, but I am not only your sister, I was your apprentice too.  You tried to teach me how to change my emotions and not care, that's how I know at least some of what you said was a lie.  Now, do you mind telling me the truth this time?  Please?"

She wasn't fooled, and after her explanation as to why she wasn't buying it, Dawnhawk couldn't help but smirk. It wasn't exactly a happy one, but nor was it full of contempt or threat. He would concede.

"Smokefeather told me how much she hated me and how she wished she'd killed me as a kit, that much is true. Well... at the time I still loved her and thought of her as my mother. It hurt. It hurt me so much that I took out my rage on her kit... one that I had disowned as my sibling. Why not? Everyone else loved telling me how "I wasn't their brother anymore" and whatnot. So Smokefeather wasn't my mother, she said so herself, Bloodstrike wasn't my father and Featherkit wasn't my sister. In that moment they were nothing but unruly clan cats. So I treated them as such. I killed Featherkit. Beechface tried to defend Smokefeather as I went for her next, I beat her to a bloody pulp, then my guard was the one who snapped me out of my rage or I would have killed everyone in the nursery that day. I was deputy at the time, so I needed this to stay quiet. I killed Cerberus and made it look like he and Beechface fought and that I stopped him." His eyes were cold now and his body posture was defensive.

"And so what?" He hissed. His tail lashed behind him as the memories brought some of his rage back to the forefront of his mind. "I suppose you'll abandon me too. Fine. Do it Ashstorm. I don't care anymore. You can't hurt me." He spread his paws evenly apart and prepared for combat, should it come.

Ashstorm listened to the story and, to be honest, she sort of wished that she just believed his first story.  Every new thing she said made her feel like she was sinking.  This was one of the times when her eyes were opened to how horribly divided her family was and how horrible each one of them could be.  He was to blame there was no doubt of that, but Smokefeather had some part in it too.  With his defensive stance, his words, and what seemed him getting ready to fight she jumped back.

"No!  How could you think that I would do that?"  She yelled back.  "What you did was completely horrible and I am not forgiving you, but I'm not cruel.  You will always, always be my brother and nothing will change that.  But, you are to blame for this, but so is Smokefeather.  I don't know what to think, but I know that I will never, ever abandon you, no matter how much you seem to want me to."

She really did not know what to think, she wished none of this happened.  She wished she could go back to when she was an apprentice with the knowledge she had now and maybe she could have done something to change it.  She wanted to so badly, but she knew that was impossible, she would just have to live with the fact that she just sat and watched while everything had happened around her.

Dawnhawk didn't know how much he believed Ashstorm. She seemed sincere... and while he had taught her to lie, he knew what to look for. She wasn't showing any sign of deceit. "I guess I'm just waiting for you to do since everyone else has. Why won't you disown me too? It's not like you don't have a ton of reasons to." But he didn't want her to. That was the part that he hid deep within himself. While he had been unbearable as a kit and a nasty-tempered apprentice, he had always wanted to be accepted and to fit in. Ashstorm was the only one of all of his siblings to accept and love him for what he was, even if what he was was a monster. Why was she so different?

Ashstorm never understood how her family could give up on each other so easily, even before Featherkit's death.  She was not prepared for the question he asked her, even though she knew the answer.  With everything that happened, she was well aware of all the reasons she had to disown him, but she couldn't.  She wouldn't.  No matter what others said or what she saw with her own eyes, she would never abandon her family, even Dawnhawk.  It was a fair question, so it deserved a good answer.

"I know all the reasons I should," she responded.  "Cats have been telling me them since the day the Asylum came.  But I choose to see all the great reasons I shouldn't.  You killed our sibling, which I am not forgiving you for, but... I almost killed you.  I was almost guilty of the same crime, the only difference was no one knew about it.  So, I'd be horrible if I disowned you for that.  I also see how good of a father you are to Tornpaw and how much you care about her.  You are a great mentor and brother, when given the chance.  I feel like if others weren't blinded by the mistakes you've made and looking more to the good you have done or you could do, Featherkit's death would have never happened."

Now that she was thinking about it, if Dawnhawk had died, she would have done just what he did, killed a sibling.  Both of them were not thinking and blinded by emotions too.  So why if I told others they would try to comfort me or tell me good try, but what he gets is the whole clan angry at him and even putting a kill order out?  It seemed unfair to her.  Maybe she just seemed more innocent?  She did not know, but either way it felt unfair.  She felt that no ones life was worth less than someone else's, so therefore, it was not okay for her to disown him after almost doing the exact same thing.

Dawnhawk looked down at his paws and relaxed his form. There was no violence to be had here, Ashstorm had made him believe it. Thunder rolled in the distance, an indication of newleaf storm on the way. "I have no doubt she would be alive." He said in response. "I never told anyone this but, after I killed her... I had to leave camp. I ran to the edge of the territory and climbed the highest tree I could find. I threw up a lot. I... cried a lot. No one heard me. No one found me. I even ordered the Asylum away from me." He looked at her very seriously now, a sorrowful depth to his eyes that weren't there before. "Featherkit's death will haunt me until I die, and I absolutely deserve it. I look back on what I did and I don't know who that tom even is. It didn't feel like me. But who would believe me at this point?" He shrugged and sighed. Emotion threatened to pour from his eyes, but he forced it back. No way was he going to show weakness now, not after all of this time of keeping it locked away inside.

"Well now you know Ashstorm. I don't know why you don't disown me, cast me from your heart before I end up hurting you too, but I... I am grateful. I am. I will do my best not to hurt you... but if I have learned anything, it is this: Life is messy. It is unpredictable and it can be unforgiving. But I'll try." He stared deep into her eyes and paused for a moment before finishing. "I will try, for you."

Ashstorm watched Dawnhawk's form relax, as she calmed herself more because of it.  He told her the truth.  The real story of what really happened after Featherkit's death.  Part of her was thinking of how horrible he was for killing her, but the other part of her wanted to comfort him because she could see how much it hurt him.  And she could relate.  After, what she thought was his death, she spent the day crying.  It hurt her so much to think about how she thought she killed him.  Even now it hurt her to think of how she almost killed him.  She knew he was not lying because of the sadness that lay in his eyes.  Her expression was now filled with sympathy.  She was about to go to the side of him to comfort him, but stop herself after a couple steps forward in case he still was unsure of her, she did not want to make anything worse.

She hoped that neither of them would hurt each other again, even though she knew that what Dawnhawk learned was true and the day by the river could prove it.

"I will try, for you."

As soon as he said that tears started flooded to her eyes but did not come out.  They were all happy, sympathetic, and sad tears.  Happy because he cared.  Sympathetic because of what he just told her.  And sad because she knew she almost killed him... and she realized that after this they probably would not talk at all for a long time.  It was even dangerous for him to be there now and for her if she was seen not hurting him or telling someone else.  Still, she was still so glad that she got to see him.

"That is exactly why I will never disown you..." she said, her voice sounding serious as it was.  "And I will try for you as well, because, especially because of what you just told me, you are not evil, no matter what anyone else chooses to think."