Hurt and Heartbreak

It had been two sunrises since Wolfstar had named Dawnhawk his deputy, and for those two days Blossomstep had done all she could to stay out of camp from just before sunrise to right after sunset. She was exhausted, having spent the sleepless nights in the warrior den, but that was nothing compared to the hurt and confusion she was feeling. Wolfstar was her mate, she trusted him more than any cat. She had always thought that he felt the same way, and would come to her if he was conflicted, but she had been as caught off-guard by the announcement as all the others. She had noticed that Dawnhawk had been allowed to continue ceremonies, even after Wolfstar's return, but she assumed he had resolved himself to wait for their son's return... Clearly, she had been wrong. Why hadn't he consulted with her? With any cat of the clan? She wasn't the most senior warrior, but she was up there, and she was his mate. Had he thought so little of her input that he didn't even consider to reach out to her? Was he holding all of his emotion in again, trying to hold it all on his shoulders without ever considering that his family, well most of it, was there to help? She was facing the same heartaches he was, she had watched her son fall to the Asylum cat's claws, watched Dawnhawk as he allowed it to happen before stepping in at the last moment and then painting himself as the hero. What twisted tale had the tom told Wolfstar? So lost was the she-cat in her tumultuous thoughts that she didn't even realize she had stepped onto the thin ice covering the moonlit creek until it was cracking underneath her. With a startled yelp, she fell through the ice, quickly becoming submerged in the freezing water as it swept her under the ice. Panic crept in as she frantically paddled, not even entirely sure which way was up and which way would lead to her certain demise. Finally, just as she thought all hope was lost, her head broke through a slushy area near the far edge of the creek and she clawed her way onto the bank, sides heaving as she coughed up water. The tears that had been welling in her eyes finally started to fall, mingling with the water streaming from her long pelt. A shadowed figure started to move forward from a nearby tree and she hissed furiously, lashing out in it's direction as a warning. If they had truly wanted to help, they would have come forward when she had fallen through the ice. Turning away as tears continued down her face, she stalked in the other direction until she reached a somewhat sunny spot, her fur quickly solidifying into points as her water-logged pelt cooled in the frigid air. As she tried to warm herself by licking her chest fur, her ears caught the sound of approaching pawsteps and she spun around as she jumped up, lips curled in a snarl. "Can't take a hint? Leave me alone you-" Her voice caught as she recognized the cat who was approaching her, and her eyes widened, ears flattening to her head before she looked away. "... Sorry, Wolfstar. I thought you were... Some other cat." Looking and feeling utterly defeated, the she-cat sat back down, turning slightly so she wasn't faced directly towards him before resuming her attempt to get warm. "Did you need something, Wolfstar?"

Being alone was something the tom had been used to, long before he was leader, or even deputy... long before he'd fallen in love with the beautiful tabby she-cat he'd raised a family with. Wolfstar had always been plagued by his own thoughts and doubts, a constant cacophony of words and scenarios and what-ifs in his head. Truly, he'd never had a minute of peace until Blossomstep entered his life... she'd quieted those doubts, hardened them into resolve. And in the few days that had passed since the deputy ceremony, during which he'd hardly gotten two words from her, Wolfstar realized that he depended on Blossomstep far more than probably even she realized.

His head was loud, but the forest was quiet, and mercifully no one bothered to approach him as he wandered, aimless, through the trees. He'd done the right thing, he knew that. Naming Dawnhawk deputy was a risky move, one that had turned him into a traitor in the eyes of many of his clanmates, but it a necessary one. If SkyClan was to be protected, to be saved, the fighting had to stop.

Another several minutes of walking brought him to a small clearing, the sun breaking through the branches and warming the ground. Wolfstar padded forward, not realizing at first that he was not alone. But when he looked up and saw her, sopping wet and shivering in the cold sunlight, Wolfstar paused. "Blossomstep."

He was not stupid enough to rush in, and offer aid, though his heart longed desperately to do so. The she-cat was formidable and fierce, sometimes fiercer even than himself. And she was angry at him... so very angry. "I..." he trailed off stupidly, his eyes searching hers for some sign of... anything that made him believe for just a second that there was a chance at redemption. "I need you. I always have. I know you're upset with me right now, but..." he still didn't move closer, hesitant to encroach on her space. "I'm sorry."

She could feel his eyes on hers, and she fought the urge to give in and look at him. She loved him so dearly, but... This had hurt, far more than anything he had ever done. She refused to be swayed by his gaze alone, no matter how difficult it was. When she finally looked to him, her gray eyes were stony, seemingly void of emotion, the tear tracks blending in with the marks from the water on her face which aided the hiding of her true emotions. He hadn't approached her any more than he already had, and for that she was equal parts thankful and disappointed. Did he care so little for her that he didn't bother trying to help, or did he think it wouldn't be welcome? While she had to admit to herself that she probably would have refused it, nevertheless it still stung slightly that he didn't even try. Her jaw tightened as the tom spoke, and her sopping wet tail lifted slightly before flopping back to the ground. She was silent for a few heartbeats, staring at him before she finally broke eye contact. "You need me?" She started, her voice soft and quiet. "That's what you say. That you need me." She continued, her voice growing slightly louder as she still refused to look at him. "That you're sorry." Her voice cracked slightly on the final word, but she stood and turned towards the tom, pelt stuck out awkwardly in places that it had frozen.

"Last time you apologized to me, you begged my forgiveness, and I gave it willingly, happily even. You told me you loved me, that you wouldn't try to do everything on your own, and instead this happens? Why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you tell me? How long had this been coming? I thought we were waiting for our son to come home. I thought you were letting Dawnhawk think he had some kind of control, but instead you reward him with it? After everything he's done? YOU WEREN'T THERE, WOLFSTAR!" Her voice raised to a screech, the stony expression in her gaze having given way to a whirlpool of grief and rage. "You didn't watch him stand by as Bloodstrike was mauled by his companions, you didn't see our son's tail dangling from the jaws of one of them as they celebrated their victory before Dawnhawk finally stepped in, and then had the audacity to proclaim himself a hero for not letting him die. Even then, Bloodstrike would have bled out on the ground of our camp had I not stepped in, stepped up to speak on SkyClan's behalf. I was the one who ordered Iniko to release Smokefeather and Beechface so they could tend to not only Bloodstrike's wounds, but also to Flowerthorn who started kitting in the middle of all of that. Not Dawnhawk. He would have stood by silently while our son bled to death. While Flowerthorn bore her kits. You. weren't. there. But did you ever ask me, even once, what happened? No. Instead, you believed whatever that squirrel-brained, snake-minded, cruel and conniving tom had to say without ever trying to hear what the rest of us were. And to reward him with control? He's not even a warrior, Wolfstar, he gave up the right the moment he broke his vow and went to Asylum. You named a rogue our deputy, and expect us to accept him just like that?"

The she-cat's fur would have been standing on end if it hadn't been so weighed down by the weight of the water that had soaked into her long pelt and frozen flat, offering an unnerving sight of a clearly furious she-cat that showed no outer signs of being so angry except for her eyes. Usually so full of love and acceptance and compassion towards her family, the hollow and fiery expressions of sadness and anger were wildly out of place. "So, Wolfstar, do you just not trust any of us to stand by your side? You'd rather put your faith in a tom who's already gone behind your back? You'd rather try to handle everything alone, and only come to those who have stood by your side afterwards begging forgiveness? Fine. Do what you want, but kindly leave me out of it. I've had enough heartbreak over these last moons without you continuing to play with my heart as if it were a ball of moss and you a kit. You want to do it all alone, be my guest. I've got our children and grandchildren to worry about, so you can remain focused on yourself and what you want and how you want to do it." Blossomstep went to turn, shuddering as she moved from her spot. She was chilled to the bone, but she'd spend eternity wandering the Mist before she let the tom in front of her see her weakness. "Goodbye, Wolfstar." She spat over her shoulder before leaving the clearing as quickly as she could, hoping the quick escape would warm her, and that she'd get away before her grief took over. Hopefully he wouldn't follow her.

Even if he'd been able to get a single word in during her rant, he wouldn't have tried. The hurt and anger that radiated off of his mate was strong enough that it was almost palpable in the icy air, and her words hurt more than any claw or tooth ever could have. Wolfstar closed his eyes, letting her berate him, and believing that he deserved every single word of it. She doesn't understand, he told himself. You have to make her understand.

But the words grew harsher, her accusations shredding his stoic exterior until he opened his eyes, minute anger, but anger nonetheless, glimmering within them. How could she be so blind? How could shenot see that all he had done was try to save SkyClan? Wolfstar's brow furrowed, and when finally she quieted, he opened his mouth to respond. But she turned away from him, bounding into the trees and leaving him there alone.

Alone.

"No," he said at her retreating figure. She didn't stop. In an instant, he was after her, catching up and surpassing her in only a few long strides. Wolfstar turned, placing himself firmly in her path and close enough that she'd either have to go through him, or stop. Either way, he had something to say and he was going to say it whether she wanted to hear it or not. "No," he repeated. "You do not get to do that."

The tip of his tail twitched angrily, and the expression he fixed Blossomstep with was one that he'd rarely used, least of all on his mate. His eyes were cold amber, his ears forward, posture rigid and demanding attention. "You don't get to say that and then run away, Blossomstep," he snapped. "I'm trying here. Whether you choose to see that or not, I am trying. You don't think I wanted to wait for Bloodstrike? You don't think that he's on my mind every time I close my eyes, that I hate myself for not being here, when he needed me most? When you needed me?"

Wolfstar spat in disgust. "I don't need you to remind me that I failed as a father and as a leader when I allowed that to happen. I'm well aware of the mistakes I made and I accept them. But what I am trying to do now is prevent anything like that from ever happening again. The Asylum is here, Blossomstep, pretending like they aren't isn't going to make them go away. They want unity, they want peace, and that's what I gave them. To prevent bloodshed. If that makes me a terrible mate and a terrible leader in your eyes, so be it, but you and the rest of SkyClan that hates me for my decision are just blind to the truth. I've made many mistakes in my life, but naming Dawnhawk deputy is not one of them. If it prevents-" his voice cracked then, and the dark tom swallowed a quick surge of grief that washed over him. "If it prevents another mother from having to go through what you did with Bloodstrike, it's worth it to me."

He looked away then, his bravado seeming to melt away then. His shoulders sagged, and he shook his head sadly. "I stayed, for you," he said quietly. "At that Gathering, when the Righteous Few attacked and the rest of SkyClan left? I stayed for you. I didn't question why you'd chosen to disobey our leader. I didn't try to persuade you otherwise. I risked my rank, my reputation with Spottedstar-" Wolfstar let out a half-amused snort, though the humor was obviously self-depreciating. "I stayed for you, Blossomstep. Because I trusted you. That's all I'm saying." He shook his head, turning away from her, and sat there at the side of the path, facing the forest. "You should go." His voice was flat now, holding none of the emotion it had only seconds earlier. "See Beechface for something to prevent a chill."

Wolfstar's eyes had closed as she released all of the hurt and anger she had been holding onto, and a flicker of regret burned in her chest. However, just before she had turned, they had opened, and anger flickered in their amber depths. The sight was... Unnerving, he had never looked at her that way before. Still, she turned and walked away, ignoring his word. Suddenly, a dark shape flashed past her, and Wolfstar was standing closer than he had in a while. Her eyes narrowed as he spoke though. He may be SkyClan's leader, but his brain must be in StarClan already if he thought that after everything he could tell her she couldn't walk away. The tears that had been threatening to spill over dried in a moment as she faced him defiantly. The anger radiating off of his pelt was practically melting the snow around them. His eyes were cold, harsh and unfeeling, and her ears flattened against her head as he commanded her attention.

She stared at him without blinking as he spat at her, refusing to flinch even the slightest. Anger flared in her chest as he continued to speak, and a low growl rumbled in her chest. The sound was so out of place, and when the tom finally broke their gaze she looked down, noticing with slight shock that her claws had extended, digging into the cold ground. Retracting them quickly, she lashed her tail as Wolfstar continued, looking back up at him as he turned away, facing the forest pointedly. She stayed quiet for a few moments after he dismissed her before finally talking to his back."There were plenty of options within the clan, Wolfstar. You had me, Smokefeather, Wrenspring. Any one of us would have been happy to step up. To stand by your side. Instead, you rewarded a traitor, and spat in our face. And now you have the audacity to claim that we're wrong, that we should try to understand? You turned your back on us long ago, and made it painfully clear in your decision. You're right. Asylum isn't going away, but that doesn't mean we just have to accept them, and merge them into our leadership. We can be peaceful without allowing them to have what they wish of the clan. What if something happened to you, Wolfstar? What then? We would be left with a traitor that has no regard for his family, let alone SkyClan. You've practically placed us into Asylum's jaws, and you accuse us of being blind?"

She took a step to stand behind him, facing to the right of him. Silence stretched between the two for several heartbeats before she shook her head behind him. "Perhaps you shouldn't have. I appreciated it, but if you did it to hold it over my head when I questioned a decision of yours, then you did it for the wrong reasons. I hear you loud and clear, Wolfstar. I'm sorry that you feel as though you can't trust me anymore. Perhaps I should lead a bunch of rogues to our camp, you'll trust me then, hmm?" She mewed with a hollow tone, her shoulders sagging, and gray eyes filled with defeat. "I've stayed by your side through it all, but if this is all it took.... Maybe what we had wasn't what I thought we did. Taking another step, she considered her options before turning her paws deeper into the forest, away from camp. Climbing the nearest tree swiftly, she skillfully navigated the branches overhead, small sticks falling to the forest floor as she retreated. When she finally stopped, Wolfstar's figure was a small dark speck she could hardly see through the branches. Looking down, the forest floor swam as her vision filled with tears. Curling up in between some branches, she spat bitterly. "I thought you loved me. Guess I was wrong."