I Am Not A Machine (Closed)

Bloodstrike sat at the top of a short tree that overlooked the ridge. He stared down at the Twoleg place, remembering his first time being near there and how terrifying it had been. Several cats were all fighting each other there, not on teams like it would be in clans, but in a free for all. Cats had died there that day. He had jumped to the top of a tree limb over hanging the fence and bore witness to the carnage. Sometimes he thought about that and wondered if it had changed him. The sun was going to come up in a few hours, but he would never have been able to sleep anyway. He had spoken to Spottedstar for the first time, really spoke to him, and it had been less than ideal. Bloodstrike had always been complimented on his skills and his achievements... until he finally spoke to the one he was doing it all for. Well, really it was for the whole clan, but the leader's approval was more important than everyone else's.

And Bloodstrike had been talked down to.

He'd had a few hours to calm down, and he eventually had after his initial rampage through the forest. Claw marks on a tree here, a destroyed mouse body there... the trail of his rage was pretty obvious up until the Great Ridge. He didn't want to risk damaging any herbs that Sagelight may end up needing later, so he simply climbed a tree and destroyed the smallest limbs sticking out of it. They lay all around the tree now, a tree that was about as thick around as Bloodstrike himself. The slice on his lip was still fresh, though it had stopped bleeding. He'd probably regret doing that for awhile, or any time he tried to eat.

There was a part of him that was still angry enough that if a loner, a kittypet, or Starclan forbid anyone from another clan happened to wander in over here, he'd tear them to pieces with no questions asked. Normally, he was in control of himself and would never let his emotions run him... but tonight... tonight it had just been too much. He was not a machine, but he would always try to be and see himself as a failure for not keeping his emotions in check. Maybe one day it would tear him apart. Maybe one day he'd finally snap.

It had taken a lot of self control for Wolfcall not to follow Bloodstrike as he raged out of the camp following his conversation with Spottedstar. The deputy had seen him go in, had waited near the fresh-kill pile for him to come back out, perhaps to talk about how it had gone over a meal. But the new warrior's expression and body language upon coming out of the leader's den told him everything he needed to know: it had not gone well, and Bloodstrike was angry.

Brows drawn together, Wolfcall let out a long, low sigh, and stared at the entrance of Spottedstar's den for a long moment, waiting to see if he would come out. But he didn't, and honestly Wolfcall didn't know what he'd say to him if he had. The trust that the leader had once had in him was gone, that was painfully obvious not just to the deputy himself, but probably to everyone with two eyes and half a brain. And Wolfcall had no idea how to repair it. He'd kill for SkyClan. He'd die for SkyClan. But that didn't seem to be enough.

Spottedstar had given him the cold shoulder since the battle with the Righteous Few, ensuring that the deputy didn't approach him for anything other than an absolute emergency, and now he'd done or said something that would likely warrant the same from Bloodstrike.

You can't keep pushing people away, he begged silently.

Eventually, he decided that enough time had passed for Bloodstrike to cool down, and rose to follow him. It wasn't hard to do so - there was a trail of destruction and rage for anyone to see, and it made Wolfcall uneasy to follow it. He'd always known that his son had a temper, but this wanton carnage on their own territory was... concerning. Eventually, the scent grew stronger and shortly after, he found Bloodstrike, perched on a limb high above him and staring over the Great Ridge. "Bloodstrike?" he called, sizing up the tree and trying to decide if it was worth it to try and scale it. He could climb, he just wasn't very good at it, and making a fool of himself at this moment in time was low on the list of to-dos.

Bloodstrike had been lost in thought, trying to forget what had been said to him, at least for now. He'd been so distracted that he never heard Wolfcall approach. His new name rolled off of the lips of his former mentor and Bloodstrike almost didn't even remember his warrior name. He turned an ear in Wolfcall's direction first, then his head and eyes followed.

"Sorry about the mess." He apologized immediately, both for the rage through the territory, the pile of smaller branches on the ground around him... and for putting Spottedstar in a mood. "I'll be ready for patrol in the morning. I just couldn't sleep." He wasn't even sure he wanted to talk about what had happened. He mostly wanted to just bury it all and just go back to everything being normal.

He sighed, trying to banish the smoldering anger that still lingered. Bloodstrike turned around on his perch to face his dad. He'd jump down in a moment. From Wolfcall's tone, he didn't think he was in any kind of trouble, but just in case... he wanted to stay on the branch for now.

His son's apology was met with the lightest of shrugs as Wolfcall pushed one of the shredded branches around with the side of his paw. "It's alright, son. Why don't you come down here and sit with me?" Abandoning the stick, the dark tom moved up to the edge of the Great Ridge, a breeze buffeting his fur as he peered out over the expanse of space below him. He dropped to his belly, curling his forepaws beneath him, and started speaking before even knowing if Bloodstrike would take him up on the offer.

"Your grandfather is under a lot of pressure right now. I don't know what exactly was said between you two earlier, but I can tell it didn't go the way you wanted it to. Why don't you explain to me?"

Bloodstrike sighed quietly and followed after his father. He dropped down from the tree with barely a noise from his paws impacting with the ground. He walked up beside him and sat down. He wasn't quite so sure he wanted to lay down, just in case something happened. And something always happened. He had a feeling he knew what this was about, and the second "your grandfather" left Wolfcall's lips, Bloodstrike tensed. Well... screw it. It was time to just let it all out into the open anyway, now that he was no longer an apprentice.

"I'll do the best I can, but you probably won't like a lot of what I am about to say." He warned him somberly. He took a breath and dropped his eyes to the ground. If this didn't go well... if this turned out to be anything like what he'd experienced just a few hours ago... Bloodstrike wasn't sure what he'd do.

"My first gathering really sucked. I finally had to find out that the other clans, or at least a lot of other cats in other clans, hate us. A Windclan cat named Crowspirit was especially rude to Redfall, and I really like him. He called him a coward, he called all of Skyclan cowards... and dad if I had any less self control at all, I would have fought with him right then and there and not even care what happened to me, just to prove that we weren't cowards. I'm not even sure that I would care if I died that night, at least I fought. But instead I listened and let it go. I watched the way Spottedstar handled the gathering, and I get that it was tense, but leaders who are just so proud of following the code should never have rushed the gathering and openly looked irritated and like he didn't want to be there." The growl in his voice was starting to edge around every word. He took in another breath to calm himself, as he hadn't even gotten to the more important parts.

"Do you remember when we sparred and you saw me covered in scratches? That was from another apprentice like I told you. I started going to the borders at night long before you caught me and Mistpaw, though for Mistpaw I think that was her first offense compared to my... fourth I think. Anyway, the gatherings were too tense for me to really talk to anyone, and too public for any one cat to be honest with me. So I went to the border to talk other clan cats alone, knowing full well that I could get hurt or worse. Well it happened. The apprentice that attacked me blamed me for Spottedstar's screw-ups! She called me a coward, she told me that my whole clan was nothing but cowards... And you know what dad? I was angry, but I still didn't want to hurt her. I pinned her in place at one point to try to talk to her and it didn't matter that I let her back up. She fought me until I just left." His tail wrapped hard around his paws, trying very hard to hide that his claws were unsheathing and piercing the earth below him.

"I didn't give up still, not even after getting hurt and humiliated, because I set aside my own pride and contradicted my self-love for the good of my clan, as I always have. The rest of the cats I met were peaceful and willing to talk, Flintstar included. He was by far the most helpful. I learned so much from talking with him... So I would say the risks were worth it. I knew I'd get caught one day... I knew it. I knew I would get in trouble and my warrior ceremony could be delayed. Even when I went in to talk to Spottedstar I did it knowing full well that he could strip me of my warrior name for rubbing him the wrong way... but I did it anyway! I did all of this because I was afraid my clan could get wiped out. What if the apprentice that attacked me becomes the next leader of a clan? Her brother died in the fight against the Righteous Few, and that was what she attacked me for. Because Spottedstar ran away rather than stayed and fought. I do understand why fighting Starclan warriors would be pretty scary. I get it! I wouldn't have attacked right away, I think I would have stayed and watched to see if they could even be defeated. If defeating them was at least possible, then I would have ordered my clan to fight, if for no other reason than to show the rest of the clans that we were strong, but not stupid enough to battle with potentially invincible foes until we knew for sure one way or the other."

He paused for a few seconds, slowing his breathing and trying to keep his anger in check. It was starting to come roaring back.

"I'm rambling... let me get back on track." He shook his head as if he could shake off the clouds of fury fogging up his head.

"Anyway... I told Spottedstar what I had been doing and why, because the way he acts at gatherings and the fact that he never came around to talk to me at any point except to name me as a warrior despite being his grandson, sort of made me feel like he didn't care about anyone but himself or think about what his decision had done to the clan as a whole. Under a lot of pressure or not, he's a clan leader, they are supposed to perform well under pressure. No matter what I said, and no matter how thoroughly I explained the risks I took or how willing to die I was for my clan at the drop of a leaf... he talked down to me." His tail lashed away from his paws and his claws were buried up to his toes in the dirt. His hackles rose and his tail bristled at the memory of being talked down to.

"He even said the decisions I made were dumb... but I'm anything but dumb! I took risks, like everyone in every clan does and I accepted the consequences of my actions, whatever they may end up being. I wasn't surprised when he was mad, I wasn't even offended until he started talking down to me. It doesn't seem like something a leader should do. Punish me, sure. I would have taken elder duty again over what he did." The fact of the matter was that Bloodstrike had been prepared to be yelled at. He was even prepared to be moved back down to apprentice again. He hadn't been ready for a verbal attack from both his leader and his own blood. It caught him off guard and it hurt.

"I only suggested that he do something to try to fix things... we need allies, whether he likes it or not. If for no other reason than to discourage other clans from raiding our camp like Shadowclan did over some misunderstandings and horribly timed coincidences... if that's what those were. Flintstar says he doesn't even know." He paused, partially tempted to tell Wolfcall about Spottedstar's secret alliance with Thunderclan... however wobbly and ill-placed Bloodstrike himself thought it might be. In the end, he decided that he would still honor his grandfather's secret and refrained from telling Wolfcall.

"Windclan especially doesn't like us, though I haven't been able to speak to a Windclan cat to ask why. Their territory is too far and I'd have to take the thunderpath... which I don't want to do. I only know because a Thunderclan warrior was willing to tell me what he knew. That was the night you caught me and Mistpaw with the owl. I had only just stopped speaking to Beecloud maybe the length of the average hunt before the owl attacked and you found us. Anyway... he told me I'd have the most difficult time speaking with and being on better terms with a Windclan cat, and that if push came to shove, Windclan and Thunderclan would stand together."

He then looked at his father, very seriously.

"Our neighbors dad. If Windclan were to attack us for any reason, they have a way through Thunderclan territory to reach us and possible Thunderclan warriors to assist them. That scares me." He sighed before his eyes dropped to the floor again.

"So... clan wars can break out over mere misunderstandings and horrible coincidences... they can happen simply because one clan believes what they are doing is 'just', as in the case with the Righteous Few. And Spottedstar thinks I'm dumb for trying to address these problems and squash them before they come to fruition. Would it not be better to build a solid relationship with a few cats in each clan, if for no other reason than to maybe delay a clan war and give us more time to prepare? Spottedstar had the gall to tell me that he believed as long as our cause was 'just' that help would come. He believes that Starclan has somehow made us untouchable and that we could never just be removed from the territories. I don't have such faith in Starclan or that 'being a good and righteous clan' would save us if disaster were to strike and the other clans were either unwilling to help us, or Starclan forbid they decided to hurt us. I understand Starclan guides us, but they guide the other clans too."

Bloodstrike's head was swimming and his thoughts were foggy from feelings of anxiety, rage and frustration. The anxiety was mainly because he wasn't speaking as well as he normally did and he was anticipating backlash from the deputy.

"Why did he just... dismiss me like that? My concerns and my efforts to address those concerns didn't even matter to him..." Now he felt like he just sounded like a whiny kit. He stopped talking, because he didn't know what else to really say. There would be more he could say later, but for now, Wolfcall had been quiet for so long... he just wanted to know what the deputy thought at this point. Bloodstrike might find his voice again and the courage to continue if this was news was at least fairly received.

It wasn't the forefront of anger in Bloodstrike's voice that worried Wolfcall, but the hurt that lurked just below. Anger was easy to understand. Anger was easy to defuse, but his son wasn't just angry, he was in pain. And he'd learned a long time ago that physical pain healed much, much easier than the type that was eating at Bloodstrike - the type you couldn't see. So he let him ramble and rant, taking in the fury and frustration with a posture and expression deliberately blank. He wasn't going to speak until Bloodstrike stopped, and Wolfcall didn't want his reaction to anything to be the reason that he did.

He laid his tail across his son's flank, a purr that was both self-soothing and (hopefully) soothing to the younger tom as well rumbling in his chest. When finally Bloodstrike quieted, the deputy stretched one long foreleg out in front of him, the tip of his paw hanging into dead space. He unsheathed the claws on that paw and flexed his toes, taking the time to calculate his response.

"The line between what is right, and what is wrong, is both very thin, and difficult to maneuver. I was at that Gathering, I saw the choice that Spottedstar had to make. It was an impossible choice, one that no cat should ever have had to make. To choose between the options of sacrificing your clan, or your... honor..." Wolfcall's ears slicked back, his brow furrowing. Was it right to call it that? Honor? In his eyes, that's what it had been. Spottedstar sacrificed his honor to protect SkyClan, and had Wolfcall been in that position, he would have done the same thing. But how to make Bloodstrike understand that? He wasn't sure he could.

"Owlstar was going to kill Sunflower either way, if we fought for or against them. So Spottedstar chose not to fight at all. He chose to do what a leader does, and protect the clan. Your mother and I stayed and fought. So did Swansong, and Redfall. Any one of could have died. Your great-grandmother, Firflower, she did die. Not in the battle, no, but... because of a sickness that the Righteous Few set upon the clans. They killed Torrentstar, and Thornstar, the leaders of RiverClan and ShadowClan. And I watched them murder Finchstar without so much as raising a paw. It was the most scared I've been in my entire life."

Wolfcall let out a long breath, licking the fur on his chest as the memory of Finchstar's lifeless body crumpling to the ground made his hackles raise involuntarily.

"To Spottedstar, he was choosing whether his clan lived or died. And let me tell you, son... had the real StarClan not shown up... we all would have died. Every single one of us. In every single clan. We could not have beaten them. We would have lost. And that's why he did what he did. That's why he made that decision, even when he knew that on the slim, slim chance it was the wrong decision, that every cat in the other clans, and even some in his own, would hate him for it."

There was a long moment of silence as Wolfcall let that sink in, and then he lowered his voice to a kind, understanding timbre, the tip of his tail twitching. "He shut you down because, Bloodstrike... everything that you, or any other cat has thought of Spottedstar's decision, he's thought of himself. Every insult, every bad word, every ounce of hatred that is spat at your grandfather from other mouths... those are already things that he's said to and blamed on himself. So I urge you, son, not to vilify Spottedstar, or anyone else, from the words and opinions of anyone who was not forced into that same position, forced to choose between life and death of the cats they love. Because that's not an easy choice to make."

Finished with his own ramble, Wolfcall lay his chin on his outstretched leg, sucking in a large breath and letting it out, slowly.

Bloodstrike's tension melted away as Wolfcall talked. This was being received well... better than he expected it to. Not just that, but the words and stories were actually helping. Bloodstrike stayed quiet and listened intently through the whole thing, as Wolfcall had done for him. By the end of it all, Bloodstrike actually felt heavier, though not for himself, but for Spottedstar. His eyes dropped to the ground and he sighed, long and loudly.

"I should have thought this through better." Bloodstrike admitted. He had been so worried about what would happen to him and how he would feel and how he should try to keep his emotions in check... that he never considered Spottedstar's. Maybe it wasn't completely his fault, as he was far better at simply being cool-headed with others that were cool-headed too.

"I guess I'll try to leave him alone for awhile. We'll talk again at some point, but I hope he'll approach me this time. I plan to apologize, but I'd like one too." Bloodstrike lifted his head and scented the air as a wind whipped by and buffeted his fur, just a habit of his ever since he'd learned to hunt efficiently. He didn't smell anything worth noting.

"I'm happy to hear that you and mom stayed to help the others fight. I think I would have too, from a warrior's standpoint. As a leader though... Maybe I would have tried to leave, if they seemed that unstoppable. I don't know though. Anyone who threatens one member of Skyclan threatens all of us. If that had been any of my sisters, I wouldn't care about anything except saving them or die trying. You already know that though. You saw me fight the owl."

Which, by the way, if you hadn't distracted me I would never have gotten hurt... He thought with mild, slight resentment that he had been over for quite some time, and would literally be out of his head again the second they left the ridge. Nonetheless, he honestly believed that most of the bad things that happened to him were the fault of others, not himself. He wasn't caught until Mistpaw followed him. Predators didn't find him until Mistpaw followed him. He had the owl under control until Wolfcall appeared out of nowhere and gave him a heart attack....

He didn't feel this was important enough to bring up though. He was fine, the talons in his side barely more than a fuzzy memory now.

"Well... I will be better about negotiations in the future." He glanced at the dismantled tree that he was on just a moment ago. "And I will try to keep my temper under wraps too." His lip still hurt from where he bit it until it bled. It was all he could do from blowing up on his leader, and he was glad that he at least accomplished that much. The trees would recover from his rampage but the relationship between himself and his grandfather may have been in tatters forever if his fury had been unleashed at the leader's den.

"So... about Windclan... I haven't been able to talk to any of them and I don't want to risk myself on the thunderpath to go to their border. What do you know of them? Do you think they harbor enough resentment to raid us?" He onyl asked because he planned to patrol more heavily around the Thunderclan/Skyclan border if that was a possibility. If Thunderclan was willing to let them through, then that was a problem.

The deputy had always been good with words. Even as a kit, the dark tom preferred to use negotiation and diplomacy rather than fighting, and that appeared to be no different here. He watched as Bloodstrike relaxed, losing the tense, rigid body language, and Wolfcall smiled, leaning his shoulder into his son's. "I think apologizing is a good idea," he suggested gently. "But give him some time."

At the mention of WindClan, he stared away, brow furrowed in thought. As far as he knew, WindClan didn't hold any vendettas against SkyClan - but then again Spottedstar had not been very forthcoming with what could be considered sensitive information recently - to him, at least. Wolfcall shook his head, anyway. "I... don't think so. I know their leader, Ravenstar... well, nothing too special... he was deputy alongside me for a little while, and we talked at the Gatherings. He seems level headed, and kind. I do not believe that WindClan is a threat, to us, or anybody, right now."

Bloodstrike watched Wolfcall's body language too, trying to detect the tiniest sign of a lie. He didn't think his dad would lie to him, but it never hurt to be sure. At the end of his words, Bloodstrike saw no reason to disbelieve him. He further relaxed, but he kept it in his mind that Windclan and Thunderclan were potential allies for each other. He needed to talk to a Windclan cat... but how? Aside from gatherings, he might not ever see one unless he took the thunderpath.

"Alright." he accepted with finality. He allowed the air to be silent for a moment before he cleared his throat. "So when do you think you'll be promoted to Wolfstar?" He smirked a bit on one side of his face. Was this something he should be asking? He didn't know, but maybe it would lighten things up a bit. He had come here with so much anger, and now he felt that it was all ridiculous that he even felt that way.

He meant what he said about thinking things through better in the future. It was vital if he was going to achieve his own goals.