A Serious Conversation with Spottedstar [closed]

The SkyClan leader stared over the edge of the ridge, tired eyes trained on the horizon where the shadowed purple sky met the tops of the distant twoleg shelters. He found himself wondering if perhaps Sandblaze was hidden in one of the many deep shadows between the nests or along the thunderpaths that traced an odd grid in the landscape. However much he had been disgusted by his half-brother's betrayal of SkyClan, Spottedstar found that he missed him bitterly, especially in light of recent events. Their mother was dead. There would be no way to tell Sandblaze or the rest of his litter the news; they were likely much, much farther away than the twoleg maze before him. They woud only know in the end - assuming StarClan alowed them back. Assuming they even wanted to come back. Spottedstar replayed the old fantasy in his mind: what if he had left with Marmalade and Sandblaze? Certainly he would be no kittypet. His pride was too fierce to allow a twoleg to keep him captive. But he would be far, far away from the responsibilities of a leadership that had gone wrong the moment he was given his lives. And he would not feel so utterly alone as he did in that moment, back to the sunset and eyes on what could have been his life.

"...What am I doing out here?" He questioned out loud to himself before he remembered. He had told Wolfcall to bring Swansong and Blossomstep the the Great Ridge at sunset just after he assigned the members of the dusk patrol. Spottedstar's den was too cramped four himself and three warriors to discuss private matters. He was fond of the Moonlit Creek, but on this particular day he didn't want to go anywhere near his own reflection. In the cold season he had walked into its waters and decided that there was too much of his family in himself to hate what he saw, but this time he knew even their likenesses wouldn't save him fromt his own contempt. He hated his pathetic groveling and the subservient position Owlstar had put him in, but Spottedstar bore it because Sunflower's life and the rest of SkyClan depended on it. Besides, he didn't need to hate himself when the rest of the forest likely hated him as well. That thought was amusing enough for him to crack a wry smile. It was the nature of the dependent to envy the independent. If that envy led to hate, then so be it. Their approval was meaningless anyway. SkyClan's opinion of him mattered. And part of SkyClan went against him even though what he did was for them. Spottedstar hoped he would understand soon. His long tail lashed gently against the grass as he waited for the three warriors.

The fact that he'd been expecting it didn't make the dread in Wolfcall's heart any lighter. Sooner or later, he'd known Spottedstar would want to talk to him - to them - about why they'd stayed at the Gathering, to fight, when SkyClan had been given a way out. He wanted answers, the deputy was sure, but honestly Wolfcall wasn't sure he knew what to say. He'd stayed behind for one reason, and one reason only, and that reason was now padding quietly at his side, her long tail brushing him every so often as they moved through the trees.

Swansong, the only other SkyClan warrior to have stayed, was on his other side. He hadn't seen too much of her during the battle, he'd been too invested in his own starry opponent, but he knew she'd been there. Which is why she was here, with him, now.

Wolfcall let out a slow breath as they crested the rise that led to the Great Ridge, though he did relax a bit at the sight of Spottedstar, silhouetted against the backdrop of darkening sky. His father looked worn, and the thought of why made the deputy's shoulders slump in regret. Spottedstar had gone out on a limb, had sacrificed his reputations with the other four clans, to ensure SkyClan's safety... and in staying, the three of them had essentially spit in his face. His brow furrowed, and Wolfcall drew away from the she-cats to go sit at his side, close, but not touching. He'd let the leader do the talking... his voice had suddenly failed him.

Swansong padded quietly beside Blossomstep and Wolfcall, the sound of the last echoing bird songs of the day in the pines above their heads and the breeze sighing through their needles filling the silence. Spottedstar's summons hadn't been unexpected. A slightly troubled twitch of her tail was the only hint of unease she showed as her paws walked the familiar, needle carpeted forest floor, easily traversing the rocks leading up to the ridge, deep shadows adding extra shapes to their already rough forms.

She knew why. The Righteous Few cats had given them a way out, had let them go in exchange for Sunflower's life... and she had stayed, had disobeyed. Maybe it had been selfish - a way to make up for all the powerlessness she had felt in Sparrowpaw and Tinystar's trials. Maybe it hadn't - maybe it had been because she couldn't bear to stand back and let another cat die when she could stop it.

Maybe it was a mixture of both.

But either way, she had still made a choice that went against her leader's. Even though she knew in her heart it was the right thing to do, she had still had to commit a wrong to do it.

A sigh slipped free of her maw, inaudible to the others, fading into the twilight. Her eyes lifted to see him standing, outlined against the horizon, his torn ears jagged against the purpled sky, his tail twitching against the patchy grass of the ridge. He had always seemed... cold, to her. Distant. Though she could see from his actions that he truly did love SkyClan, his manner, from day to day, was... well, not quite warm. Being a leader must be a terrible burden. From what she'd seen that they had to deal with, she could certainly understand why, if only in part.

She padded forward, settling down in front of him and casting a glance at Wolfcall as the younger tom went to sit beside his father. Dimly, she realized this was the first time she had ever been singled out for punishment by authority, a slightly unpleasant feeling stirring underneath her pelt at the thought. ...Whatever punishment he gives, I will take it. It was her duty, as a warrior, to do what her leader asked of her. If she couldn't before, then she would have to do so now.

She had known this would come, ever since she had made the decision to stay at the Gathering. She had spent many nights awake wondering if she had done the right thing. She had found she was expecting kits not long before, and so she had been helping in camp as much as possible. Wolfcall had told her that Spottedstar had wanted to speak with them, and she had been unable to stop the fur along her spine rising. As much as she had expected it, she wasn't looking forward to it. Her mate padded beside her silently until they reached where Spottedstar sat, and Blossomstep hesitated as she saw the look in her leader's eyes. Wolfcall left her side to sit by Spottedstar's, and for a heartbeat she wondered if he had already faced the older tom. Silently, she settled next to Swansong and lifted her head to face the two tom's, uncertain of what to come but certain she would face it confidently.

"I..." Spottedstar paused awkwardly, unsure of what to say to the three warriors who had appeared. He had rehearsed plenty of times but each reiteration had changed and he was never quite sure what approach to take. Certainly not anger; if anything, the SkyClan leader was overjoyed that his four missing clanmates came back alive, if disappointed that he had to worry for them in the first place. They each must have had their reasons, even if he couldn't figure them out for himself. Some sense of justice? Some concern for the other clans which frequently bullied and belittled each other and SkyClan at the drop of a leaf? Even thinking about it made him irritated, so he pulled his mind away from it. They would answer for their own actions and he would not jump to any conclusions. But first the matter of their survival: "I would like to know how the battle went." Spottedstar's voice was deep and quiet. He'd been incapable of loud or emphatic speech since Firflower's passing. "And I would also like to know why each of you stayed. Please." He continued to look out over the ridge. He felt that he couldn't bear to look if someone told him he wasn't a worthy leader because he would be forced to agree.

Wolfcall took a moment to deliberate his answer. He looked over his shoulder, gaze settling on Swansong, and then Blossomstep, and then looking away again, his dark brow furrowed in thought. He'd had no intention of staying at the Gathering initially, but he didn't regret doing so. Even if just because he'd been able to see the conclusion, be sure that the Righteous Few were gone. The deputy flicked his split ear, the everlasting reminder of his first battle, and warred with himself. It was very, very tempting to take the blame for it all, and shoulder the punishment he had no doubt was incoming. But that would involve blatantly lying to Spottedstar, and that was something he'd never done before. He just couldn't bring himself to do it.

"The battle went... well..?" his voice was hesitant, almost as if he didn't know how to answer that question. "I... I think there was only one casualty. In ThunderClan." He left the second question unanswered as he searched for a reasonable explanation that didn't implicate Blossomstep as his reason for staying. He wouldn't lie to his father but he also wasn't going to allow her to take the blame.

Swansong tilted her head slightly as Spottedstar spoke, her eyes searching his silhouetted frame for some sign of what he was thinking. He almost seemed... uncertain, slightly... melancholy? If she had to admit it, the request was... not quite what she'd expected. Not the first one, at least. She glanced at Wolfcall, catching him looking at both her and Blossomstep for a moment, seemingly as caught off-guard as she was, his brow furrowing as his hesitant voice replied in the pause.

She nodded in agreement, her tail curled loosely around her paws. "Wolfcall is correct. I believe ThunderClan was the only one to suffer any deaths in the battle, though... Morningpaw of WindClan did suffer injuries at the paws of one of the Fallen Stars that have left her life... uncertain. Most of the leaders lost lives in the battle, too, and a few others were badly wounded, but it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been, had StarClan not joined the fight."

Deliberating for a heartbeat, she took in a careful breath, her eyes seeking out the brighter horizon above the sharp purple shapes of twolegplace as she formulated a response to the second request, the light breeze cresting over the great ridge bringing with it a multitude of unfamiliar scents that gently ruffled her fur. "As for why I stayed...." She glanced from Blossomstep to Wolfcall before settling her eyes back on Spottedstar. She couldn't speak for them, but the reasons that had stood out crystal clear to her on the night itself were still etched in every beating pulse of her heart. If I had to, I would do it again. Lowering her head, she mewed quietly, "I couldn't stay quiet, I couldn't leave. I've seen too much senseless death and false judgment from cats who thought they had the right to silence others. Other times... I haven't been able to stand up to them. If I missed this one opportunity I did have, I could never forgive myself."

She hesitated for a moment, shaking her head lightly. "I... don't disagree with what you did. No cat died because of it, no matter what the other Clans might think." The memory of Sunflower at the Gathering - his bony, thin frame shaking in the moonlight as that horrible StarClan tom curled his tail around him, an evil glint in his smiling eyes - passed through her mind again, and she shivered. "If so much hadn't been at stake...."

Would she have obeyed him and left? She couldn't say. Falling silent again, she looked to the others.

Blossomstep bit her tongue slightly as Spottedstar asked how the battle had gone. Wolfcall answered, then Swansong, and Blossomstep nodded. "I took some pretty good hits, but Mossbloom jumped in to help heal my wounds and get me back on my paws." Her mate didn't respond to the second part of the leader's question, but Swansong did - and Blossomstep couldn't help but agree. "While I agree with what Swansong says, my reasons aren't exactly the same. I feared that if I didn't help then, we would be left fending for ourselves alone against the Righteous Few. The way Owlstar acted around Sunflower.... No clanmate of mine deserves to be looked at and treated like prey. I understand why you did what you did, and it was not an easy decision to make... But in the end I felt like I had to stay and fight..." She trailed off, taking a deep breath before raising her eyes to meet Spottedstar's. "I'm sorry for going against your orders, but I can't be sorry for staying to fight with the other clans. Wolfcall... I think he stayed to attempt to bring us back, to ensure we made it safely."

"Only one casualty?" The report was shocking enough to make Spottedstar's head whip to the side as he met Wolfcall's gaze with his own widened look. "And most of the leaders..." So some cats had been killed, but it was all almost entirely inconsequential. And StarClan had joined the fight? 'I don't understand. The cats against us were not StarClan? But how could they have been our powerful ancestors if they could only leave the other clans with just one casualty? These were no all-powerful ancestors. Blossomstep did have real wounds, true, but how could a dead cat be defeated?' Spottedstar was deeply puzzled and equally disturbed. The Righteous Few were not StarClan despite their claims. StarClan did not support the Righteous Few despite their Code-affirming mission. Then did their true ancestors really approve of the chaos the Code-breaking that caused problems like Lichenmask and the Righteous Few every few seasons? The answer to that question could not be decided by Spottedstar. Not then. But when he did find an answer... things might have to change.

His warriors' reports carried on. They hesitated and he could tell they were looking at one another even as he stared back out over the ridge and sorted through his puzzled thoughts. Wolfcall didn't answer his second question at all. Swansong and Blossomstep gave the most telling reasons for staying even when he told them to leave. He nodded slowly, understanding why but ultimately disagreeing. It wasn't like these reasons hadn't occurred to him on that night, after all. He simply found justice for his own clan more appealing than the alternatives. "Okay." He meowed, turning to face them all with a thoughtful expression. His brows furrowed and his mouth tightened into a straight line, but it was the result of focus rather than anger. Communicating was hard for the independent tomcat. He wished he could think things and they would understand without explanation.

Okay. Wolfcall, if you stayed to help them come back safely, then I can't condemn you for that. But if you fought the Righteous Few instead of doing what you could to make them leave, then you've gone against me as much they have. I don't know what you did. I wasn't there. But I hope, in the future, I don't have to wonder what you do behind my back." His last words ended in a quiet growl, some of the frustration leaking from his heart. He had more words and even a few suspicions for Wolfcall, but he would save them for private. Some things had to be kept between father and son, leader and deputy.

Spottedstar glanced at Swansong. She was older than the other two, from Spottedstar's generation. A cousin of his or something like it. She'd been through the trials of Sparrowpaw and Tinystar and saw the bloodshed caused by his half-brothers' alleged murder of Redwing. It made sense that her inaction would drive her to do something like this, but... it didn't make it right. "Things are... complicated... by the fact that these strangers weren't really StarClan. But I can't help but feel like they were right. Mostly, anyway. I don't think codebreakers should be killed on the spot, of course. But we have a Code and a way of life that we've been told to follow, and if we break it, consequences should follow, shouldn't they? Leaders get punished the most when they lead their Clans astray. Like Jaystar and Goldeneye. No one thought it was wrong for StarClan to punish them for breaking the Code. So why should the other clans be safe from the same treatment when they make the same choices?" The bitter realization that SkyClan had followed the rules most closely for the past few generations while the other clans ran wild and did as they pleased without any ill consequences made Spottedstar's resentment for them grow even stronger. He made sacrifices for the Code and SkyClan that cut deeper than any claws could ever reach, but now they meant nothing because other cats could have what he sacrificed without a second thought. Even being excluded from persecution wasn't enough for the spotted leader; the other clans should be made to suffer. They were lesser - not because of who they were but because of what they did. They deserved it. "Thornstar and Torrentstar broke the Code and had kits, like Jaystar. They died for it like he did. You can't call something fair one day and unfair the next. Maybe everything else was too far, but we don't know what the other Clans have done to the fullest. Swansong, there's still much to protect in SkyClan. If you feel the need to seek justice, please find it here. In our Clan."

Maybe that wouldn't be good enough for the warrior who stayed for what she thought was justice. How could he explain to her that the other Clans' survival and safety were not SkyClan's problem? If it wasn't something she innately knew, perhaps Spottedstar couldn't make her see it. 'If she cares about them the way she's supposed to care about us... will she defect? How long until she begins to hesitate to protect SkyClan if it means hurting another Clan? If we aren't loyal to ourselves, nothing will keep us together.'

His stomach lurched very unpleasantly. For a moment, the concept of his clan falling apart before his eyes distracted him from the cats waiting for his final words. Then Spottedstar's gaze flicked back up from his paws and landed on Blossomstep. For now he couldn't afford to think about anything but the cats before him and the consequences of what they did. "Blossomstep, I approve of the way you thought of SkyClan and made your decision based on our safety. You're a good warrior. But you didn't think that they would still come for SkyClan after you stayed to fight? Owlstar wanted Sunflower's life for nothing. The offense at the four of you staying to fight would have sent them after us - if they'd succeeded. We're lucky they weren't an actual threat. Your actions would have brought them down on us even after we'd escaped. I can tell that none of you wanted to disobey me. Unfortunately none of you trusted me, either. I want that to change, but I don't know how to do that. Instead I can only address what's already happened. For your disloyalty, all three of you will not attend the next Gathering. Your actions didn't represent SkyClan that night and you won't represent us on the next Gathering night either." He remained calm as he spoke, the feelings of hurt and mistrust escaping only in small flicks of his tailtip. He didn't mention Redfall; he didn't hold the tom accountable. Spottedstar would have done anything Condorshade told him to do.

"You're dismissed... except for Wolfcall. Please stay a little while."

Spottedstar's harsh words were like a thorn in his heart, and Wolfcall had to stop himself from flinching, instead allowing only his ears falling back, and the slightest furrowing of his brow, to betray his discontent. He hadn't deliberately disobeyed his father. He'd wanted to leave as much as the others who did. But how could he ever admit such a thing? His eyes fell to the ground, remaining there as Spottedstar continued speaking. He agreed with nearly everything the leader had to say, but that didn't matter now. The wound had already been gouged deep, the seeds of mistrust planted.

He could have stopped it, demanded Blossomstep and Swansong to leave, but he hadn't. And that made him equally as responsible.

Being barred from the Gathering was a surprise, though, and Wolfcall found himself unexpectedly troubled. He'd never particularly enjoyed the Gatherings, but the thought of not being there to represent SkyClan was... he didn't even know how to feel. But he didn't contest it, and he was halfway to his feet when Spottedstar dismissed them.

Or... dismissed them, rather, as the second part of the sentence hit him and he sank back down to his haunches, eyes flicking from Swansong to Blossomstep and then back to his own paws. "Yes, Spottedstar, of course."

Swansong listened to Blossomstep's reasons, nodding her head slightly in agreement. It was true: had the Righteous Few not been defeated, their Clan would have suffered, whether they did their best to follow the Code or not. No one could live up to the expectations the Few had clearly placed on them, there would always be something more to bring their wrath, real or imagined, so long as no cat was perfect. And no cat was, not even the Few, for all their "righteous" fury.

Spottedstar spoke, finally turning to face them, and she felt herself wince slightly in sympathy at the expression on Wolfcall's face, the slight tilting back of his ears and furrowing of his brow as his eyes fell.

And then he directed his words to her, and she felt a slight frown tug at the corners of her maw at his first few words, an unpleasant feeling stirring at the pit of her stomach.

"I can't help but feel they were right."

Luckily, he elaborated, and she felt the brief tightening ease, though not completely. He talked as though she stood on the other side, the one that wanted everything and anything allowed. It was true, she had stood up at the gathering to oppose them - one too many times, probably - but that didn't mean she loved chaos and hated the Code. Actions need consequences, it's true. But this.... It wasn't Torrentstar's and Thornstar's deaths that had driven her forwards, no matter how much it had hurt to see the grief of their Clans. StarClan had given them their lives, and no matter how much she personally thought of what they'd done, they had the right to take them away. But it was death for nothing, a life lost simply because he spoke, that had tipped her over the edge. It still sent a chill down her spine as she remembered Finchstar's form crumpling. The tom had stood far too far on the other side, had allowed too much, but the only crime it had seemed he committed in that moment was speaking up. He himself had not broken the Code. To kill him in cold blood... what would be next? They had practically said they'd kill Sunflower simply for being what many called a coward. Where would they have stopped? Where was the justice in that?

But, though the thoughts chased themselves through her head, she stayed silent, meeting his eyes as he finished and dipping her head slightly in acknowledgement. A new feeling had replaced the knot in her belly, a subtle tiredness. If anything, she was tired of fighting, of bloodshed and rage, but it seemed she could never avoid it. "I know, and I will," She said softly. A part of her hoped he would hear the genuineness in her voice, another sighed and admitted that if he did, it would still take a long time for him to fully trust her as a loyal warrior again. Actions have consequences. Often more than a simple punishment. It stung, but she had said her piece, and that was all she could do.

He continued, stating that they would not attend the gathering this moon. A slight pang twinged in her heart at the punishment, and she let out a soft, inaudible breath she hadn't realized she was half-holding. To miss the gathering this once wouldn't be too bad in itself, but it also meant she wouldn't be able to learn how the other Clans were doing in the wake of the battle, or find out how the cats who had been injured were doing.... But it was fair, maybe even less than they deserved. She dipped her head again and stood as he dismissed them, feeling an inexplicable hollow fill her heart as she turned and padded back down the ridge alongside Blossomstep, the last of the evening light reflected in the sky flickering on her light fur before it faded into the shadows.

Words weren't enough, sometimes.

Blossomstep bit her tongue as Spottedstar spoke, the disappointment and tiredness in his mew stinging more than the words themselves. Her ears lowered as he turned his attention to her, and she realized the danger that she had put her clan in despite her desires to relieve them of the danger. Lowering her head respectfully, she mewed softly. "I hadn't thought of it that way, Spottedstar. I understand where you were coming from now." She still didn't think that she had necessarily been in the wrong, but seeing the big picture she could understand a little better why he had done what he did. Was that what being a leader was about? If so.... Her eyes rose to look at Wolfcall. She didn't envy his or Spottedstar's positions. Her eyes lowered again at the punishment - she didn't much care for the other clans, but the thought of being forbidden to represent SkyClan was painful. With a small nod of acceptance, she turned to head back towards camp with Swansong and Wolfcall... When suddenly Wolfcall was asked to stay. Her ears lifted and she looked back to her mate, worry and concern twisting her belly. Their eyes met for only a moment before Wolfcall accepted, and turning away once more she returned to camp alongside Swansong.

He let out a small sigh and turned back around to look over the ridge once more. Spottedstar was a storm of emotions that he didn't know how to control. He was deeply relieved that all of his warriors returned to him unharmed, and he was even glad that the other Clans had escaped annihilation, as annoying as they were. And yet he was also confused. The Righteous Few were ghosts, weren't they? How could they have been defeated? How could their will have splintered from that of StarClan? And did true StarClan's interference in the battle mean that the other Clans' misdeeds were excused? Spottedstar did not particularly enjoy following rules; actually, he quite enjoyed breaking small, trivial ones because they were so pointless. But if parts of the Code could be dropped at will, then nothing would separate them from the lawless rogues and cowardly kittypets that had no traditions or set way of life. And if there were no rules to protect one Clan from another's savagery, then he was vulnerable - SkyClan was vulnerable. They were small. It was their neutrality that kept them from being targeted by the rest of the Clans. It was this line of thought that brought Spottedstar to a reaffirming conclusion as he strained to see the outlines of the Twoleg nests in the dying light of sunset: 'Neutrality in all situations. I was right to leave. Crowstar said SkyClan first, and I will obey.'

The encounter with the Righteous Few replayed in his mind, Lavenderbreeze's honeyed voice accusing him of many things that would have taken the Gathering by storm if it weren't already going down in flames by then. The leader remembered that Wolfcall was still beside him when Amberdawn's name echoed in his ears, and he took a deep breath before saying what he had planned. "Wolfcall, I... I'm only harsh on you because I have high expectations for you. You've always done your best in everything. I want you to live a life you can be proud of and to be a strong, honorable leader in the future." He wanted things for his son that he felt that he didn't have. Wasn't it a parent's job to raise a child that was better than them? Would Spottedstar find a way to mess that up, too? "And in the future, because some of SkyClan disobeyed, others might appeal to your Clan instead of you. When you're leader, some might think they can go behind your back and persuade your Clan to do things you don't want them to do. I just want you to be careful and to know who your warriors are before you find yourself in a situation like that. Beyond that, other Clans will slander us, but that's not much worse than usual. And there's something more concerning to me: one of the cats at the Gathering said some things about me that... have put me in a bad light. I don't care much what the other Clans think of it, but I don't think they'll even remember anything besides me leaving. But SkyClan's opinion matters, and my family's opinion matters, so I want you to know the truth." It was scary to be so brutally honest about himself and his past, even with his own son. Being open was deeply uncomfortable. He felt like Wolfcall would turn away and disown him even if he knew it was unlikely.

"The truth... I loved your mother. I sincerely cared for Murkpelt and was happy to raise a family with her, and I'm still glad to have had you and your siblings, even with all that's happened. But you know we drifted apart, and now Murkpelt and I are hardly anything more than Clanmates. I left her because I love someone else." His tailtip flicked nervously, and he kept his gaze averted from the deputy. He had only told one cat, if you could even count it as telling. It was more "I need you" rather than "I love you," but Spottedstar had been unable to say it back then. This was the first time he made the confession out loud. "Murkpelt could tell. She didn't ask me any questions. I never told her or anyone, but it's Amberdawn." The medicine cat was in SkyClan before Wolfcall's time. He supposed he should tell the whole truth even though it was shameful. Spottedstar scuffed at the ground, picturing the soft snow he'd stood in while saying his last goodbye. He could smell thyme and catmint on the wind, or perhaps that was his memory playing tricks on him. "Amberdawn was SkyClan's medicine cat. She trained under Mintwhisker, but she left. There were a lot of problems happening and I guess the stress was too much. When I saw her the last time, she told me she blamed herself for Tinystar's murder because she testified against him in an unfair trial. I... don't think she loved me back. It was for the best. It's still for the best."

The sun was gone. The inky black skies stretched above them had begun to fill with stars, small and dim at first, but they grew brighter and more numerous the longer Spottedstar spoke in a faltering, hesitating manner. He wished he didn't have to talk about it, but it seemed like he owed Wolfcall an explanation for leaving Murkpelt so suddenly and it would also come with a lesson that he hoped would be much less painful for his son. "I could have gone with her. I thought about it very often after she said goodbye. I was heartbroken and I wanted to run from everything that had hurt me. But I was a leader - a new one, but still very much responsible. I had to choose SkyClan over my feelings. I still choose SkyClan every day. I still love her, even after all this time. My heart always belonged to her - before even I knew it." He laughed, his mouth splitting into a wide smile. But his eyes became wet, filled with tears that would soon spill over. "I guess I want you to know... that I'm glad you and Blossomstep have each other. I sincerely wish the best for you two. But you should know that leaders are separate from warriors. Things don't often happen to cause my kind of problem for cats who follow the Code, but if someday you have to choose between Blossomstep and SkyClan... you should be ready to pick SkyClan. It's not fair and it shouldn't happen, but it does. Just remember your oath." Spottedstar found the courage to turn his gaze to Wolfcall despite the tears that dripped from his chin. It was entirely unbecoming and he wanted to flee to his den, to curl up in his empty nest frivolously decorated with feathers and sleep away his pain, but anticipation for his son's reaction pinned him to his spot.

If he'd been forced to guess the topic on which Spottedstar would be speaking with him, Wolfcall would have lost. His disobedience... his endangerment of SkyClan... even a demotion from deputy had been more on the forefront of his thoughts when his father told him to stay behind. But this... this confession... could not have been guessed at in a million years. Not by him, anyway. Sure, he'd heard the starry cat's accusations at the previous Gathering, had seen the way Spottedstar reacted to those harsh words, but it had slipped his mind with everything going on, and even so it had been before his time. Wolfcall didn't even remember an Amberdawn, the only medicine cat he'd ever known was his uncle.

How could Spottedstar have been in love with her, when he had been mates with Murkpelt? He didn't understand, and that lack of understanding was what brought a surge of indignant anger to the tom's face as he stared at his father. He looked away without speaking, eyes burning with tears he refused to shed. There were a lot of reasons he could understand mates separating for, but because one cat was in love with another was not one of them. How did that even happen? He couldn't imagine feeling for another cat what he felt for Blossomstep. Wolfcall's ears slanted back against his head, and he fought desperately the urge to flee. He didn't want to be a part of this conversation anymore.

The only thing that kept him in place was his father's increasingly desperate tone, the way his eyes pleaded with Wolfcall to understand. So he tried, and even though it was difficult, he eventually managed to get somewhat there. It hurt for him, and for his siblings, to see the leader and his mate split away from each other, but how much had it hurt Spottedstar himself? Not only to be a part of that breakup, but to love a cat he couldn't possibly have a chance with, as well? Swallowing past the lump in his throat, Wolfcall breathed out slowly through his nose.

"I can only imagine how difficult that was to share," he said quietly, fighting to keep his voice level. "I don't claim to understand exactly how you feel - how could I, when I haven't experienced near half the things you have, in your lifetime?" The deputy shook his head, the leader's last words ringing in his ears.

"...if someday you have to choose between Blossomstep and SkyClan... you should be ready to pick SkyClan..."

The idea of being forced to choose between being leader, and upholding the oath he'd taken when he became deputy, and his mate, who he loved more than he could put into words, was painful, and disturbing? Would he be able to do that, if it came down to it? He wasn't sure. He had always done his best to uphold the Code, to be the best cat he could be for Spottedstar and for his clan... the Righteous Few had admittedly shaken his faith in StarClan, but never once had his dedication to SkyClan wavered.

There was an ever so slight chill in the deputy's demeanor now, try as he may to remain neutral and understanding. His number one priority at this point was exiting the conversation, and doing the least damage possible in the process. "But you don't ever have to worry about my commitment to SkyClan," he said flatly. "It always has been and always will be my number one priority to protect my clan, and my family."