Am I Okay? [closed]

The sun shone outside through a patchy sky of thick clouds, its rays catching glints of light off of snowflakes that fell like a fine mist through the canopy of branches to the earth below. It was a beautiful afternoon. The forest was bright and radiant despite the chill; life moved among the trees and in the ravine that made ThunderClan's camp. Warriors and their apprentices bustled to take advantage of the fair leaf-bare weather, but in the medicine den, one warrior shifted uncomfortably, glancing down at her swollen belly and then around the den to a familiar calico pelt where it stood near the herb stores. The warrior knew exactly what had happened, and when, but the truth of it still sometimes shocked her: she was pregnant with Houndheart's kits. Dacedream, new warrior of ThunderClan, was having the deputy's kits - her dearest friend's kits.

She was a moon from giving birth now; Mossbloom had watched her closely ever since Dacedream first came to her with the symptoms. At the beginning she had felt tired, and after two squirrels had disagreed with her she had decided to visit her favourite ThunderClan medicine cat. Mossbloom had diagnosed her quickly, and Dacedream had been absolutely elated at the revelation. Kits! Kits with Houndheart! She had never even dreamed of such a thing, but almost instantaneously it felt like a dream come true. Houndheart would be a father. He was a tom who wasn't well-versed in genuine emotional conversation, but he didn't need to be for Dacedream to know what he was feeling: he would be proud ot be a father. She would be a mother, a mother who would love her kits just as wholly and fiercely as her own mother had loved her.

The pale tortoiseshell shifted again in the nest at the thought, her weight rolling from one hind leg to the other. That was what she had thought then. Nothing had changed, and yet to Dacedream it felt like... like something was wrong. Like many things had changed. Mossbloom often assured the queen that the kits were growing just right, they sounded perfect, and that everything was well with them, and then she would check Dacedream over as well and find nothing wrong. The warrior was in fit condition, more than healthy enough to bear kits. Some cats felt it was only typical queen feelings. Why would any cat want to be a queen if they have to feel this way? she wondered, and she felt ashamed of the thought. To her, that... those thoughts... were the worst symptom. Wasn't she supposed to be happy all the time? Thrilled about her kits?

Dacedream sighed at last and asked Mossbloom nervously, "I just... you're sure it's okay that I still can't eat squirrels? What if the kits need it and I hurt them because I can't eat squirrel?" The queen had been in to visit constantly as her pregnancy progressed. This was her latest barrage of fears. "What if they're never able to hunt or scent squirrels because I can't eat them for them to learn about? What if... What if they know I kept squirrels from them, Mossbloom? Houndheart would be so disappointed if none of the kits could hunt like he can... What do I do to help them be good hunters? I'm such a poor hunter now, I could never teach them what they need to know..." she fussed, plucking at the mossy nest.

Mossbloom turned to look at the expecting queen with a patient smile, moving to sit across from her. The news that she had been expecting kits had been... Surprising, to say the least, especially when she found out that Houndheart was the father. She hadn't thought their relationship was quite like that, but... She was happy for them both. As the she-cat voiced her newest fears, Mossbloom reached out to touch her nose to her shoulder. "I'm absolutely sure, Dacedream. All the kits need right now is for you to eat something - and that can be anything fresh and filling for you. Fish, squirrel, rabbit, vole, it doesn't matter if you have more of one than the other, as long as you eat something."

Moving to sit next to the queen, she groomed the long fur at her shoulder carefully. "You know.... I wasn't born in the forest. I was born in Twolegplace, and I doubt my mother had squirrel much, if ever. I don't know, she left just moments after I was born. I was still able to learn how to hunt all the prey of the forest, and was actually quite good at it before StarClan called me to be a medicine cat. The most you can do is help guide them when they're kits playing games like mossball and catch-the-leaf. From there, it will be left to their mentor to teach them the specifics. The whole clan will help, not only them but you as well. They'll be such wonderful additions to the family, and ThunderClan."

The queen-to-be looked up with a stricken expression as she felt Mossbloom's warm nose touch her shoulder. Dacedream perked her ears and listened hard, wanting nothing more than to be comforted by the medicine cat's words. The kits needed their mother to be healthy and full; whatever she was full with, they would be filled too, and they wouldn't know or care what kind of prey it was. Dacedream took in a deep breath and let it out in a huff of a sigh, her head drooping slightly as the medicine cat listed all the kinds of prey that she could eat and still care for her kits. The thought of any of them at the moment made her feel a bit sick, but based on how the last several days had gone that could change at any moment and she'd be wanting to eat half the fresh-kill pile. The tortoiseshell nodded along, doing her best to help Mossbloom convince her that any food was better than no food and that she wasn't doing irreparable damage to her unborn children.

Dacedream was eager for Mossbloom's comfort when the older she-cat came and sat comfortingly next to her. The feeling of the kindly she-cat's soft, soothing tongue rasping on her shoulder made the young queen's eyes narrow pleasantly. A hint of a purr bubbled in Dacedream's chest. With a soft, honest voice, Mossbloom shared something remarkable: she hadn't been born in ThunderClan. Dacedream's green-hazel eyes widened, and she looked at Mossbloom and gasped, "You weren't?" The she-cat confirmed: she had been born in twolegplace, and then she had found her way to the forest and learned to hunt for herself with the help of ThunderClan. Dacedream's tail swished as she listened to Mossbloom's story of reassurance: if a cat from twolegplace could learn to hunt and even be a medicine cat, then surely not eating squirrels wouldn't bar Clan-born kits from learning too.

Still, the queen wasn't completely convinced as the medicine cat continued to speak proud encouragement of the kits and who they would one day become. Dacedream shuffled a paw. "Thank you, Mossbloom..." she murmured with another sigh, her thoughts slowing but still seeming to dash around her brain like they were scattered in a current. She thought for a long time again, and then she hesitated as she whimpered, "Mossbloom? I'm... I'm worried. What if... what if I can't be a good mother? What if I don't love them? What if they don't love me? What if I hurt them, o-or I can't take care of them?" Her eyes widened a little more as her tufted ears flicked back. "What if they wish I wasn't their mother?"

"You're welcome, Dacedream." Mossbloom murmured, still carefully grooming the she-cat's shoulder before gradually moving to her back. The rasping of her tongue paused for a heartbeat as the queen's worries continued, but she continued as she considered her response carefully. "Every mother is different. There's no one good kind of mother. I've never had kits, and I have no intentions to, but from what I've heard it just... Happens. Perhaps not right away, there are some queens who aren't fond of their kits right away, but more often than not they warm up to them with time. As far as them loving you.... The most you can do for your kits is support them and care for them, and show it."

"Kits are resilient, they look so small and fragile, and they are, but they surprisingly tough. Think about it, consider how long kits stay out, even in the cold, playing the day away. Or how many times they can wrestle a warrior and never grow weary. They bounce back from injuries quickly. As long as you don't abandon them, they will be okay. As far as not being able to care for them - if your milk isn't coming in I have herbs to help, and if it's still not enough there will be other queens to help provide for them. You're not in this alone, the whole clan will come together to make sure that you and your kits are taken care of. Okay?" Resuming her grooming, Mossbloom hoped that she had said the right thing... A queen's emotions could change in a heartbeat, and no amount of experience could help predict it. Hopefully she had been able to soothe Dacedream's worries.

Dacedream leaned into Mossbloom's rhythmic grooming, trying to glean whatever relief and peace she could from the gesture. It seemed that no amount of kind, gentle touching could distract her entirely from her thoughts. Thankfully, though, after expressing her fears, the medicine cat seemed to know that more words were needed. Dacedream tried to relax under the feeling of Mossbloom's tongue as the medicine cat groomed her back and explained that mothering was different for every queen. Betweeen the constant swipes of the calico's tongue, she explained what she had heard: that some mothers didn't love their kits right away while others did; that kits were tough and resilient and often bounced back from things it seemed like maybe they couldn't. Dacedream shuffled her paws, narrowing her eyes thoughtfully.

When the calico assured that the only thing that might harm them would be to abandon them, Dacedream felt a cold, dreadful wave of discomfort prickle her pelt. She shot a look of alarm to Mossbloom, immediately feeling afraid. Would I do that? she thought, feeling horrified and accused and even, somehow, guilty. But the medicine cat had already moved on, explaining that if there were complications with being able to feed the kits, there were herbs to help as well as other willing queens. Dacedream thought fearfully, Isn't it still abandoning them to have the other queens care for them? Some rational voice deep in her brain reminded her that she hadn't felt abandoned when her own mother had returned to warrior duties while she was in the nursery... but Dacedream had a hard time hearing that voice over the miserable voice crying that she was going to let them down.

The tortoiseshell sat in thoughtful silence as her dear friend continued to groom her lovingly. Dacedream took in a deep breath, trying to relax against Mossbloom's kindness. "Okay," she finally answered with a sigh. "I'll... I'll try to remember all that, Mossbloom. Thank you." She scuffed a paw, then turned a pitiful look to gaze into the medicine cat's face. "Can I, um, stay here and take a nap? For a little while? I... don't feel good," she explained. Silently, she added, I don't want them all to see how uncertain I am. What if they think I don't deserve my kits?

Mossbloom had a feeling that the expecting queen wasn't entirely convinced, but the she-cat did take a deep breath and seemed to relax some more. "Of course, I'm happy to answer any questions you may have Dacedream. You're more than welcome to stay here and nap, I'll even join you, if you'd like?" Mossbloom turned to lead the way towards the nests, guiding Dacedream to one of the larger ones and letting her get settled as comfortably as she'd like. "Stay as long as you need, it's a lot to take in and get used to. I'll join you in just a few moments, okay?" She disappeared for a few heartbeats before returning with some water-soaked moss, placing it in front of Dacedream before curling around her as best she could and resuming her rhythmic grooming of the queen's long fur.