Clear Conscience[CLOSED]

Spotfur had spent half the day faceplanted, feeling guilty over what he had done. Now the sun was high, just over halfway to its resting point on the horizon. He spoke to no one as he entered camp. Instead, he made a beeline to Goldeneye's den. If she couldn't help him, no one could. "Goldeneye?" He asked hesitantly. "I need to speak with you." He said as he made his way into the den. Hopefully, she was alone and able to talk with him.

"I swear on the stars Spotfur, if you injured yourself again I will have you moved into my den so I can keep an eye on you," Goldeneye remarked sourly, but once she realized that there were no wounds on the tom, and no smell of illness on him she let her fur lie flat. "Alright... what's going on? I'm all ears." Goldeneye meowed, getting to her paws to fluff up a pre-prepped nest and motioning Spotfur to take his seat.

Spotfur sat down where she beckoned. "I feel like I'm a bad cat. I keep getting myself into messes and making other cats hate me. Like with the Swanpaw incident, and at a recent Gathering I was mean to a Shadowclan apprentice, and I just-" He was tense. What would she say? "I nearly killed a Thunderclan cat today, just because of what happened to Smokewish. I'm not thinking straight in battle anymore, or any other time I get angry. I keep losing control over my emotions and now that I think about it, this has been a problem since I was a kit. How long until I lose control completely? What if I become a cold-blooded killer like Rockthorn?" As he spoke each concern, his own fear grew. He began to breathe rapidly. "Oh, Starclan, what if I do? What if I break the warrior code, and- and- and-" Anxiety filled him, thoughts racing.

"So what you desire, and what you need is control. That is what makes a warrior, a warrior, Spotfur. While it certainly is a bother that you nearly killed a Thunderclan cat... well it is much more than a bother than anything we do, or Thunderclan does to each of us could spark a war once more. You're prodding a very dangerous line here Spotfur." She meowed coldly, getting to her paws to step into her storage and grasped many different herbs in her maw before padding back out. Goldeneye dropped her herbs in the sun just outside of her den before turning back to Spotfur.

"You are no Rockthorn. From the tales I have heard, that tom did not have any control. Rockthorn was nothing but a monster, it takes a lot to turn a cat into what he was." Goldeneye stopped speaking again as she pulled and separated her herb piles. "I think I have something to help you. Or a method. Come sit by me." The golden medicine cat ordered curtly, waiting for the spotted tom to sit next to her before passing her halved stack. "To learn control, you will work with me. Separate each leaf from each other and lay it flat in the sun without tearing it." Goldeneye meowed, separating her herbs with skill and ease.

"You know. I'm still horribly insulted by your kits... behaviour, it makes me wonder how good of a parent Smokewish is. Dreadful is my first assumption. Unfitting is my second." Goldeneye spat, though she was lying through her teeth as she worked.

Goldeneye's words calmed him to a point of reasonability. His herb-sorting abilities were nowhere near as good as his medicine cat's, and he worked much slower and more careful. His ears twitched at her next ones. He knew what she was talking about. He gritted his teeth, paws shaking, itching to give her some scars to be horribly insulted by. But she was his Clanmate and medicine cat. He'd likely be exiled or worse, for disloyalty and unnecessary violence. "It's not Smokewish's fault." He said this slowly, coating every word in a defensive tone. "Kits explore and get into trouble all the time. It's what they do. It could've happened with any kit." He protested. It was not Smokewish's fault. Smokewish was a good mother. "You know how mousebrained young lives can be." He added.

"If it isn't her fault who's is it? Yours? Kits at your sons' age know better. I fear that Chillpaw is behind... mentally. Mouse-brained, not all there. It's dangerous for an apprentice so slow to be out on the field." Goldeneye hissed, glowering at Spotfur, pushing him. "Work faster. Smokewish and Nutfur must both be fools to mother your kits." The medicine cat spat, pressing buttons and pressing them hard.

Spotfur stopped, body completely tense. How DARE she suggest such a thing. He stood up and spun around to snarl at her. "Chillpaw is just fine! Just because he and Mosspaw ate some herbs when they were kits does not mean that he's behind on anything!" Then she called his loves fools. He roared. "My mates are NOT fools! They are kind she-cats who don't deserve to have such lies told about them! If you can't see that Chillpaw, Smokewish, and Nutfur are good cats, than you're more of an idiot than I thought!" He was seeing red. Blinded by rage, the spotted warrior slashed the she-cat right across the muzzle. The stench of blood hit him and he snapped out of his fury. He backed away a few steps and then sat down quickly. He sheathed his claws and tears began to form in his eyes. "I'm sorry! Oh, Starclan, I'm so sorry! This is what I was talking about!" Then the tears ran a bit. He broke down. "Can't you see I'm trying to do my best here!? I'm just trying to protect my family and Clanmates from getting hurt and I'm always just so quick to want to fight and I don't know what to do and I keep hurting cats and I can't stop! I'm just trying to be a good brother, mate, father, and warrior!" He wailed.

Goldeneye's head snapped down as her clan-mates blow, she could feel the sting and hot rush of blood as it leaked into her fur and coated her muzzle. Understanding gold eyes looked up at the spotted tom, no rage or anger to be seen. "I needed to see how much control you had, Spotfur." Goldeneye huffed, her paw coming up to clear her nostrils of her blood. "Your regret after what you had done, is what is going to keep you from turning into a monster. I want you to continue sorting my herbs, but it will be the whole pile." Goldeneye ordered, her tongue running over her maw as she thought.

"What I want you to do, is take time every day to swim in the river, basking in the sun, sort herbs, and relax. You need to calm down and unwind, enjoy the perks of life, and bond with your loved ones. You need to think. Think of the consequences of your actions, like how your claws will leave scars that will litter my muzzle." Goldeneye meowed, her golden eyes staring flatly into Spotfurs.

The warrior wanted to inform the medicine cat that he would need more travelling herbs for another Moonstone Journey. Now that some of his kits were warriors and most of them were apprentices, he was less tired and he had more time for his deputy's duties, even if sometimes he wished to spend more time with his family.

At least, he got the chance to speak with his friend almost whenever he wanted thanks to the moonstone journeys he had to do. With a purr, he entered the medicine den but his happiness and calmness immediately faded away when he saw the blood liquid covering Goldeneye's face and the bloodied paw of Spotfur. In one second, he saw Goldenpaw on the gorge with her belly opened by the wounds and bleeding and everything he felt that day returned to him in a few heartbeats. The deputy leapt between the two cats, pushing the other warrior away. With his green eyes fixed on the she-cat, he looked at the wound of her muzzle clearly concerned. He approached his face to hers and without asking, he licked her wound following his protective instincts. Jaystream cleaned the blood, being careful about not hurting her and once he was done, he turned his body to face Spotfur. The calm deputy was gone being replaced by a more strict one and with anger in his heart, just like the time he argued against Leopardclaw and Leafstorm. "Why did you do that?! She's your clanmate and your medicine cat, Spotfur!" He snarled, the fur of his back starting to bristle.

Spotfur was barely calming down, processing her words. He just needed to unwind, did he? That didn't sound too hard. He reached forward for a leaf when Jaystream shoved him away, sending the spotted tom tumbling to the ground. He looked up to see the snarling face of his deputy. He'd never seen Jaystream so angry! His green eyes seemed to bore into him like the sharp fangs in his mouth and the words pierced his heart like the razor-sharp claws on his paws. Fear filled his chest to the brim. He was actually scared that Jaystream would claw him! Unusually, Spotfur was at a loss for words. Rather than coming up with a response, the tom just began to sob. Tears flowed like rivers, letting out all the guilt, regret, feelings of betrayal, fear, and stress he had been feeling. Trying to form words, he blubbered something inaudible. A few words made it out here and there. "I'm sorry...testing me...bad cat...don't deserve...my claws...terrible fate!" His crying got progressively worse as he tried to speak. He gasped for breath, trying to calm himself down. All of his concerns proved to be true.

Spotfur was trying to say:

Goldeneye scrunched her nose as Jaystreams tongue rasped over her muzzle with frenzied love and care before he turned on Spotfur with a viciousness that she never heard before in his tone. "Jaystream! Jaystream, it's alright. I've got everything handled." Goldeneye meowed, pressing her shoulder against his as she softly pushed him away from Spotfur. "I was teaching him a lesson on control and I pushed him too far intentionally, this is my doing. Not his." She soothed gently, the bleeding already almost completely stopping as she looked lovingly and calmly into her best friends eyes.

"I've already got a treatment plan laid out for him, he just needs less time being a warrior is all. He'll still pull his weight, but I want him on rest for at least half of the day. He'll be working with me until I can help teach him to control his anger. He isn't to be punished, am I understood?" Goldeneye narrowed her eyes as she practically ordered the tom with no room for argument. Softly, the she-cat rested her tail on the toms shoulder as if to soothe him, comfort him. "I am fine Jaystream. Just a couple scratches."

The large warrior fixed his eyes on the plump she-cat who was trying to stop his rage. His fur stopped bristling and his expression softened as he lowered his tail. Jaystream just looked at her concerned but remained quiet as she explained what happened and what was she planning. The deputy took a deep breath and turned his head to the young warrior. "I will not do anything to you, Spotfur... only if you follow what Goldeneye's say as payment for your attack. I won't give you patrols to lead for a while so you can rest..." He mewed calmer but still conflicted about the tom's actions.

The tom then returned his sight to his best friend and rested his head on her tail softly. "I-I'm s-sorry... I-I just g-got w-worried about you, Goldeneye." He confessed in a low voice. He knew he had a tendency to be controlled by his emotions when his loved ones were affected despite his usually calm personality. He tried not to be like that but it was hard... maybe that was the part that his mother left inside of him as a legacy.

Spotfur sniffled, suddenly embarrassed to seem so weak and break down in front of not only his medicine cat, but his deputy too. "Yes, Jaystream." He murmured. He realized slowly that Spotfur would have acted the same way if one of his close friends or loved ones had been attacked like that. His own actions still left unease inside him. His heart thumped. "One day, I'll learn..." He said quietly.

"I know Jaystream. I'm sorry." Goldeneye muttered, longing to push her head against his neck and just hold him there with her. Pushing aside the urge she turned back to Spotfur. "You will be, I want you staying in my den where I can keep you under watch, am I clear?" Goldeneye meowed, her tone once more demanding as she looked at the spotted tom.

The warrior gave her a gentle touch with his fluffy tail and he licked once again her wound, concerned. "If you need anything or something happens... don't doubt to tell me, please." He mewed referring to the condition of her wound. Even if the tom knew she was a medicine cat and probably the most capable cat in the clan to treat her own wounds, Jaystream couldn't stop worrying about her.

The deputy stepped away and said goodbye to his friend with a silent and respectful nod. He walked toward Spotfur and he could only see a broken and regretful warrior. Inside his heart, he couldn't simply forgive for what he did to Goldeneye... but he couldn't be angry at him either. He took a deep breath and just passed by, saying quietly a few words before leaving the den. "Follow Goldeneye's instructions... and rest well, Spotfur..."