Haunting Nightmares [semi-closed]

Darkness.

That was all that Thrushstar saw as he collapsed in the clearing of Fourtrees just after the victory of Starclan. The feeling of the cold, hard, blood-covered ground was suddenly welcoming as the old cat slowly lost consciousness. He tried everything in his power to stay awake as long as he could, but he could feel the energy draining out of his body as it was replaced with the dreaded numbness of death. His vision blurred and spun. Nothing around him made sense anymore except for the regret that suddenly sank into his heart. This is not how he wanted to waste his final life, but here he was lying in the dirt, ultimately accepting his fate. Solemnly closing his eyes, the tom expected his final breath to be swift but as he lay there, it was the opposite. His lungs protested at the lack of air they were receiving and burned with a fire so intense that his mouth begged for water but none came. His legs had finally gone numb as death swallowed him slowly, crawling with thin, ragged claws up to his heart. His ears rang with the sound of his own heartbeat that was slowly dissipating, strangled by the embrace of darkness that was consuming him. It was all becoming too much. The pain was unbearable but there was nothing he could do. Finally, as his body finally gave up, Thrushstar was swept away in the blackness that came in what should have been the tender touch of death.

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It felt like forever. Losing a life had never taken this long before. How much time had passed? Was he in Starclan? Looking back on what he had done during his time as leader and seeing the darkness that shrouded him, he wasn't so sure anymore.

Would Starclan even accept him?

He was given multiple lives by Starclan. Surely they wouldn't abandon him now.

They abandoned the clans once already.

They came back and defeated those who ran them out in the first place for good.

Was there any point in going to Starclan?

He had family there...

His family. There were so many cats waiting for him in Starclan. Gingerheart, Mottlepaw, Mapleface, all of his own kits... Mistflower. Oh Starclan, how was she going to react to this? Would she be waiting for him? What if he never showed for her? In the darkness that his consciousness floated in, Thrushstar could feel his heart ache. He didn't want to keep her waiting for him. He didn't want to cause her more pain than what she had endured in her past life. He would die all over again if only he could have kept her from suffering. He had to make it to Starclan now more than ever. He needed to see her face again and speak with her at least one more time.

Suddenly light filled his vision as a full transformation took place around him. Fields of tall, luscious grass flowed in every direction around him. A breath of life filled his lungs as he tried to find any kind of familiar face. He knew exactly where he was and the sight was a little more than comforting. A calm warmth filled his muscles as he finally built up the courage to take a few small steps in the direction in front of him. The healthy grass left a small crunch under the weight of his paws but it was soft and relaxing. It brought content to his soul for a short moment.

With one more deep breath, Thrushstar closed his eyes to take in the smells around him until his ears picked up pawsteps around him. His eyes flew open as he looked around him only to see Gingerheart and Fennelcloud standing a short distance from where he was. Usually the sight of them would be exciting and almost exhilarating but this time, both of them looked at him with cold, distant glares. The leader's relaxed state suddenly gave way to confusion as he only stared back, suddenly uncertain of whether or not to speak. He did have a lot of questions, however. With one look, he finally opened his mouth only to be stopped dead in his tracks.

"Don't," Gingerheart said sternly, her blue eyes never leaving Thrushstar's gaze. "Don't even think about speaking right now." The anger behind her words hit Thrushstar like a rock. He wanted to retort or saying anything at all, but his mind thought it best to obey. He quickly held his tongue as his eyes stayed locked on the two she-cats, the tip of his tail bouncing behind him with irritation.

For a second, Gingerheart opened her mouth to speak but quickly shut it again, her brain trying to convey her thoughts. However, it was a struggle trying to sound like a proper Starclan cat and trying to be there as a mother. With a frustrated grunt, she finally gave up. "Forget it... Thrushstar, I'm glad that you have been there so long for Shadowclan. You've been through a lot with them, but you cannot keep acting like this. For your sake and your clan's."

What his mother had said suddenly genuinely confused the leader. What was she talking about? "I... don't understand," he said, his voice suddenly clear. It caught him off guard to have his voice back after so long with it cut out. He had almost forgotten that he was in Starclan now so such physical issues did not carry over. It did not stray him too far from the topic, though. "What do you mean I can't keep acting like this? You mean protecting my clan? Doing what is best for them? Is that what you're talking about?" What he said came out much harsher than he had intended, but Thrushstar stuck with it.

The sudden backlash from her son caused Gingerheart to give him a surprised look before a small growl escaped the she-cat's throat. "You think you're protecting them? Do you really think that you are doing good for your clan mates? You close yourself off to your own clan mates; you exile them left and right, some without reason; you even left them for your own good when the Dark Forest had taken over! Do you really think that's what a good leader does? Have you seen what you have done?" The more she talked, the louder and more intense her voice grew.

Anger immediately began to burn deep inside of Thrushstar's chest. How could she stand there and accuse him of not doing what was best when she wasn't even around for it? "I have done what I can! You wouldn't know what I've had to go through as their leader! You've been up here slacking off with all of the others who couldn't make it in the living world!" he hissed, his claws digging into the earth below.

Fennelcloud gasped at Thrushstar's words before her eyes flicked between the two. Even if his words hurt, she still stepped in, looking between them with concern. "No, both of you! This isn't how it was supposed to be! We needed to talk this out calmly!"

"No! I'm done talking!" Gingerheart growled, her long hair standing on end. With a furious huff, she made her way to a pond of water not too far from them. Motioning with her tail, she stood tall with anger, trying to hold herself back. "Come. Look at the destruction you have caused! See for yourself the kind of monster you're turning into."

Immediately, all the leader wanted to do was turn and walk away but there was something that compelled him to the water's edge. Not even bothering to look up at the she-cat, he looked into the pond to see multiple memories pass through it in an instant. Different parts of time moved with the ripples on the surface, slowly coming to a stop on one memory before it would move on to another. Suddenly mesmerized by the pool, Thrushstar saw several events flash by: the young, terrified rogue Jay whom he had scared away in a second, the exile of Shatteredsoul, the murders of several cats such as Brokenflame before it finally ended on Saltpelt and Breezeheart. All of the memories pained him to watch as he stared into the pond's depths, wishing that they would all go away but he couldn't look from them.

"Do you see how you have handled all of this, Thrushstar?" Fennelcloud finally spoke, her voice gentle and nurturing in contrast to Gingerheart's brash tone. "There are so many things that could have been done differently. So many things that have only hurt and splintered the clan. If you continue as you are, it will only bring destruction..." she muttered, lightly pressing herself against her father.

It took a few minutes for him to respond. Thrushstar sat in silence, his eyes glancing at Fennelcloud and then to Gingerheart who towered over him almost menacingly. They couldn't understand. He did this to save the clan. They could never understand. With a soft growl, he turned on both of them. "You don't get it! You don't realize how terrible everything is! There are traitors, murderers who seek out terrible deeds! They hide in the clan and want to destroy it. I'm trying to help my clan mates! They don't get it and neither do you!" he hissed. "I don't understand why you're showing me all of this. It's not like I'm going back. I am dead."

"No, you're not," Gingerheart said flatly. "It is not your time yet. Alderheart has been doing a great job taking care of you while you sleep and heal." There was a long pause. The silence that filled the space between them grew tense as anger fueled the both of them. "If you can't heed my warnings, then so be it. I've tried helping you, my son. I can do no more for you."

Thrushstar's eyes suddenly widened as his jaw clenched tight. "Son? Son? You think that--" He was suddenly cut off by the immediate lack of ground beneath him. With a sharp gasp, the leader looked down to see the soft grass begin to rot and the dirt beneath him bubble into blood before all of it opened up beneath him, dropping him deep down into a dark pit. The light of Starclan rapidly grew smaller as he looked above him with a cry for help... but nothing came. He could feel the intensity of falling faster and faster until he looked down to see only black and red. With yet another cry, Thrushstar landed hard on the mucky ground beneath him. It had left him dazed for a second but he was able to recover quickly as he stood on his paws. With a groan, he looked around to try to get his bearings only to be shocked and mortified at what he saw.

All around him was mud, blood, and death. Grass did not grow, the trees that once stood were cracked and charred. Some reached high into the blood red sky, their branches expanding outward like claws trying to reach the only light source around: the red stained moon. There were no stars that shined through, and as Thrushstar looked around, he could feel an emptying sense of solitude. There was nothing around him. The nothingness brought up an indescribable fear. He was alone for the rest of his life... No, that was wrong. This was much longer than that. This was an eternity. He would be here until he faded out of memory of all of those living after him. He would be forced to spend the rest of his days looking for something that could never be found. That sense of longing already pulled at his chest, pushing his feet forward through the muck and death. He began to walk, but he didn't know why. He couldn't figure out what he was searching for but that he wanted it. No, he needed it. Yet, it wasn't there. And when he realized that...

A loud cry erupted from his throat. He threw his head back and yowled and continued screaming until his throat burned. Yet, there was nothing. Not even the trees echoed him. The silence was almost deafening. Thrushstar's breathing picked up has he looked around for anything... anyone. He needed something! He couldn't take this anymore! He cursed at Starclan as he began to sprint through the trees around him in search of it. The curses didn't stop even after his muscles began to burn. He was not going to die like this. He was not going to take this! He was Thrushstar, leader of Shadowclan! He would find his own way back and he would take his revenge!

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The loud cries in his mind only escaped as desperate whimpers to those passing by him in the medicine den. It was a pitiful sight to see, really. His legs flailed and his voice would echo inside the den as he cried out different names from his past: Gingerheart, Mistflower, Fennelcloud. All to no avail.

It had been days since the victory at Fourtrees and Thrushstar had barely moved since he collapsed. Now, his body couldn't stop moving. It was as if it were fighting against something it had never faced. The thrashing turned more violent as his broken voice grew louder in desperate attempts to escape whatever hell he was facing. His breathing picked up in quick, shallow breaths when it could, followed by ever growing yells and cries. His muscles began to burn until suddenly the leader's eyes flew open and he jumped to his feet, running quickly through his nest until he hit one of the den walls, quickly collapsing again. With panicked breaths, Thrushstar looked around in a daze, trying to make sense of where he was. Was he still in that horrible place? Where was he? How did he get here?

"Gingerheart! Don't leave... me here!" he rasped as he tried to stand up only to fall back down out of balance, his brain still somewhat locked in his own world. "I won't forgive you!" he yowled before his eyes began to clear up. Soon he realized that where he was somewhat resembled his own camp. Instantly, his mind flew to those he knew. "Leopardfang! Leop...ardfang where are you?!"

At the frantic cries from the leader's den, Alderheart was quick to shoot up from his nest. The medicine cat hadn't slept properly in moons, tending to either the wounded from the Dark Forest or keeping a semi-vigil over Thrushstar. The old leader had suffered terrible wounds from the battle and was certainly in no state to be moving like he was clearly doing. At first, he worried that perhaps someone was attacking the tom, but they were in camp and no one would be as foolish to attack Thrushstar here. There were certainly some questions regarding the leader's sanity, but none would betray him, not now. The Dark Forest had left everyone splintered, no one would dare break the delicate peace they had now.

Grabbing a rushed bundle of herbs, the diluted calico slipped out of his den to check on the leader.

The sight was awful, he was writhing and tearing at his own den's wall. "Thrushstar! Thrushstar, please! Stop!" The calico made himself as small as possible as he lingered just out of reach and called out for the tom to focus.

Was being cheery and supportive all the time really worth it? The russet tom wondered to himself, laying in his not so comfy nest. Mudfoot tried to be the ray of sunshine, the one who was there when anyone needed him, but he never had time to let out his true emotions, and unfortunately, it was taking a toll on him. The past few nights, it seemed like he'd gotten no sleep and if he did, it was never for very long. Constantly tossing and turning, his muscles were sore from being so tense. For StarClan's sake, even his nest wasn't comfortable to sleep on, for he always gave the best moss to the elders and queens. Even though he was having trouble sleeping and feeling restless, he couldn't ask Alderheart for herbs, especially on something as little as this. But maybe that was his problem, never facing his problems, and always being worried that he would take up other cat's time.

Letting out a sigh, he wondered how the rest of the clan was doing. Thrushstar seemed to be holding on by a thread and a Mudfoot wondered how long the leader could truly last. With his mind still on the leader, he heard a panicked meow. Thrushstar? Almost tripping over sleeping cats, Mudfoot ran out of the warrior's den. He saw Alderheart run to Thrushstar's den, and he knew that his presence might not be wanted, but he had to help in any way possible. Running to the distressed leader, he slipped his head in, staying quiet for the time being.

Leopardfang's head shot up from his nest when he felt another cat tread over him. Unlike Mudfoot, he was more than capable of sleeping thanks to all the work he had been doing with Thrushstar's injuries putting him on the sidelines. Holding back a hiss of pain, the deputy suddenly realized that there was a voice calling for him. His voice, the one he wasn't sure he would ever hear again. It seemed that Mudfoot was heading straight to the source, and he got up quickly to follow the brown tom to the medicine cat's den. Leopardfang brushed past the warrior and the medicine cat to answer Thrushstar's calls, daring to crouch and then lay almost directly next to the elderly leader. "I'm right here. I'm with you. Tell me what it is that you require, and I will have it brought to you. Food? Water? Alderheart can look you over if it would please you." He was fully awake now, ears perked and eyes alert. The spotted tom wondered if Thrushstar had lost another life while he was gone, or if had just been a close call. He'd been awfully busy lately, and felt rather guilty about not being able to take the time to at least check on his leader or ask Alderheart for updates on his progress.

Thrushstar's wide, panicked eyes shot around the den as a sudden rush of cats entered his vision. For a minute, it didn't register to him that they were here to help and all the poor leader could do was press himself against the wall of his den, his shallow and labored breathing nearly matching the pace of his racing heart. His ears were flat against his head and his claws dug deep into the earth beneath him as his brain tried to make sense of exactly where he was. It was only the sound of Alderheart's voice that snapped him out of the trance he was caught in and he was finally brought back to reality. The amount of relief that Thrushstar suddenly felt was indescribable but the rest of his body caught back up to him. Almost immediately, all of his limbs protested from the large and prominent scabs that quickly broke loose and opened up again. The pain was nearly unbearable, but the leader fought through it wearily as he tried to hold his focus.

After several awkward and silent minutes floated by, Thrushstar could finally make sense of everything again. He looked around to see the concerned faces of Alderheart and Mudfoot before he finally rested on Leopardfang who had managed to press against him for what he assumed was to stabilize him. "I... I'm fine," he finally spoke, his voice barely louder than a whisper as his gaze shifted downward to himself and the ground. He hadn't even realized that in the midst of his trying to resolve himself, he was still physically and involuntarily shaking. What he couldn't tell was whether it was from fear, rage, or sheer lack of energy. Either way, it was a little daunting.

Leopardfang was almost as startled as Thrushstar at his sudden movement. The old tom was certainly not fine, and the deputy wasn't going to accept that answer. The poor leader was shaking in his pelt! Not to mention the fact that all of his halfway-healed cuts had just been torn open again. Trying to keep his voice calm, Leopardfang meowed what he hoped was a soothing response. "I think you still need some more rest. Just relax and let Alderheart tend to you. We're back home, at camp, with protection on all sides. Why don't I get you something to eat?" He asked, slowly withdrawing, still facing Thrushstar. He didn't know what kind of shape his leader's mind was in and he didn't want to startle him with sudden movement.

Mudfoot stood silently at the entrance of Thrushstar's den, not making a sound. It broke his heart to see his leader, a cat he looked up to in this state, and wished that he could've been more service to the old tom. Although Thrushstar stated that he was "okay", it was plain as day that he was anything but okay. After everything the leader had been through, it had mentally and physically broken him, and Mudfoot hoped that he would be alright. Realizing that he'd been standing around gawking for too long, the warrior carefully made his way into the den and stood next to Leopardfoot. "Anything I can help with?" the fluffy tom whispered to the Deputy in a concerned tone.

"I'm fine," Thrushstar repeated, his stare finally locking onto Leopardfang and staying there rather calmly. The longer he stayed awake and alert, the more his body was finally beginning to relax. It only took forever for it to realize that he wasn't in any kind of danger anymore. With a few deep calming breaths, the leader finally relaxed enough to lie back down in his nest, the adrenaline finally dissipating within him and giving rise to the pain that seared all of his now open wounds. Clenching his jaw, he tried to ignore the horrible feeling that arose in order to focus on what and who was still around him. When Leopardfang had finally mentioned something about getting him something to eat, the leader's first thought was to refuse. He didn't think his stomach could take anything right now but maybe it was a good idea. "I... I don't know, Leopardfang. I don't know if... I can eat right now." Instead, he was feeling exhausted as if he hadn't slept a wink for the past moon. However, the thought of going back to sleep terrified him. He didn't want to face the Dark Forest again. Not ever. How could he be sure he wasn't going to go back if he closed his eyes?

Forcing himself out of his thoughts again, he looked back up to finally see Mudfoot with a concerned look on his face as he asked Leopardfang if there was anything he could do. "O-Oh, greetings Mudfoot..." the leader muttered wearily.

The deputy didn't realize how tense he was until he felt his breath releasing in relief. It seemed that Thrushstar had retained a relatively normal state of mind, and suffered only physical wounds and a bit of shock. The wounds could heal, and the shock would hopefully wear off. And, all in all, he could have become much crazier. Leopardfang counted that as a blessing. He nodded along with his leader's words and then responded to Mudfoot. "Just help me keep an eye out for signs of... I don't know. Permanent damage, I suppose." He kept his tone moderately quiet. He then turned to Thrushstar. "It would be good for you to at least try. I will fetch something small, and we'll see how it goes." Leopardfang's commanding personality was beginning to take over. He'd had several days of faux leadership, only a small glance of what his future would be like. Perhaps he was stepping out of line at this moment, but right now his leader appeared to be more than a little lost. The spotted tomcat stepped out of the den, taking long strides across the camp to pick a thin lizard from the dwindling pile. He returned to the den in a rush and set it before Thrushstar.

As soon as the food was place in front of him, Thrushstar's stomach nearly wretched. Any kind of craving he thought he had for the food was gone. A look of disgust stretched across his face as he turned away from it. "I can't..." he said, pushing the small lizard away back towards Leopardfang. However, doing so only made his wounds protest in agony, leaving the leader flinching back and letting out a frustrated huff. With his mind continuously clearing, all he could think about now was how these wounds would hold him back from his typical leader duties. If he couldn't move, how could he lead his clan? It was bad enough that he was unconscious for... well, he didn't know how long. He held back anything else that he wanted to say but the aggravation was clear on his face. All of this in the living world combined with the deeply buried anger for what Starclan had done to him was simply a disaster waiting to happen.

Leopardfang kneaded the ground with his paws, growing a bit frustrated himself. When did constant encouragement to eat become annoying insistence? Perhaps the old tom really couldn't manage even a small lizard, but Leopardfang was reluctant to watch his leader die of starvation after surviving the most important battle the forest had ever seen. Oh well. He'd drop it... for the moment. Instead, it was crucial that Thrushstar maintain his health and pay some real attention to hygiene and steady recovery. The deputy brushed the lizard out of sight. "Very well. Now it seems that we must pay attention to your general health. Please try not to make any more movements that would open your cuts, Thrushstar. The more patient we are, the sooner you will be back on your feet and taking care of your clan. A healthy clan needs a healthy leader." He meowed, a faint echo of hope in his voice. He felt like a queen in the nursery almost, but he was honestly trying his best not to be condescending.

Mudfoot looked to the leader when he mumbled his name. He would've replied, but Leopardfang answered his question and he turned his attention back to the Deputy. Keep an eye out for any signs of permanent damage? The tom wondered how he'd be able to do that but shrugged his worries away. If Leopardfang wanted him to help, then he'd help with no questions asked. Giving a nod to the Deputy, he sniffed the leader's side, making sure there wasn't any sign of bleeding that they'd missed. All good here,  he thought to himself and when the two toms started talking, he looked at Thrushstar. The leader looked so depressed and hurt, maybe not on the outside, but the dullness in his eyes showed that something wasn't right.

Unable to really know what to do, Mudfoot looked to Thrushstar with an optimistic smile. "Don't worry, you'll get better, I'm sure of it." In all honesty, he had no idea what his leader's fate was, but if he was able to life the older cat's spirits, then that was good enough for him.

First he'd been away from his clan for way too long... While he was away, Starclan had practically shunned his way of leadership even though he was only doing his best... When he finally woke up, he could barely make sense of what was real and what was a dream, he couldn't eat and his wounds were opening again and giving way to a lot of pain that simply would not go away. With everything building on itself in such a short time, it was only a matter of time before the leader snapped and unfortunately, Leopardfang had been on the receiving end of it, especially after the mention of this so-called "healthy" clan. "Yes, yes I know, Leopardfang! I understand... that we have to wait but there's... no time! I've already been away from my clan for... too long." he paused for a moment, thinking over what he had just said. Was it even still his clan? Who all was left? How many warriors were actually his anymore? "I need to cleanse this clan. Wipe out all... of the traitors. I know they're still here! They're waiting for me... I'm surprised that... they didn't try to kill me while I was asleep!" It didn't take much time for his mind to fall back into the abyss as it filled with thoughts of who had and concurrently could have turned against him. How did he know for sure that even Leopardfang was still loyal to him? He didn't know how long he was unconscious. They could have overthrown him by now and carried on with their lives, playing him for a fool since he woke up. Something more than just his anger had snapped. There currently wasn't much sanity within him either.

With very little thought, the leader stood up shakily as he began to pace back and forth in his den, the wounds on his body slowly oozing and staining his already ragged fur with fresh blood. After what felt like several minutes had passed, Thrushstar finally stopped and looked up at Leopardfang again for just a moment, his eyes wide and dazed. "Tell me... Tell me what's been happening in Shadowclan!" he shouted as much as his broken voice could muster before the angered expression turned back into a confused look as reality finally began settling back down inside of him. The anguish that had been caused by the open wounds quickly made its way to the forefront of his mind as he sat down, staring into the distance with a deep look of concern on his face. What was going on with him?

Thrushstar's words sent a heavy sense of dread through Leopardfang, dropping like a stone into his stomach. He was still absolutely delusional, despite the help they had received in fighting off the Dark Forest usurpers. Moons of dealing with his paranoia and outright distrust of his own family and clan had grated on Leoaprdfang's nerves for far too long. Traitors, betrayal, a cleanse of the clan. Every word of that nature, harshly spat out by the leader, added to the deputy's rising sense of anger. Thrushstar's wide accusing glance and sudden burst of yelling was the final straw for the tom. Gentle attempts at convincing the old cat that no one else was out to get him was clearly not working, and it probably never had.

"Thrushstar!" Leopardfang practically barked, forgetting the Mudfoot was there with him and letting his deep fury spill. Even he was surprised by the volume and intensity, but he didn't bother to stop himself. "Have you even heard yourself? At all? The Clan's still like it has been for seasons: at your side. No one here wants to kill you, and no one has for a really long time! If you're afraid of disloyalty, then you're the one sparking it. No one wants to serve a mad leader with wild fantasies about double-crossers! You need to get a grip! And if you can't, them maybe you ought to step down. ShadowClan needs a leader, and you don't fit that description anymore. Foxdung to your paranoia! Look at you, whimpering like a kit. Where'd the real Thrushstar go? He'd never let his personal issues get in the way of his job." He snapped, lips pulled back in an angered snarl and claws ripping up soft clots of earth. "I used to want to be like you. Now I know for certain that I don't. I'll never be like you. I won't let my pride stop me from caring for ShadowClan."

As soon as Leopardfang's voice rang in his ears, Thrushstar froze, turning to listen to what his deputy had to say. It was a strange feeling and sight to see. The Shadowclan leader had never seen his deputy so worked up before. Then anger that radiated from Leopardfang as he shouted at Thrushstar was almost astounding. There were several times through the deputy's speech that the leader wanted to interrupt him and yell back but when he was finished, all Thrushstar could do was stand there speechless as his mind tried to wrap itself around what was said. He was the one causing all of this? That couldn't be true! But at the same time, there was no one in this clan that he could trust more than Leopardfang. Why would he of all cats lie?

The longer that the leader stood there, the more it all began to sink in and his mind cleared slightly. It was funny, actually. It was almost like Mistflower was standing there again, telling him how delusional he was. When she was alive, he could see that. She kept him sane, but now that she was gone, it had been difficult for him to open up again. Even so, he still had someone looking out for him in the form of his deputy. Maybe Thrushstar was in the wrong...

"I..." his voice trailed off as soon as he began to speak. Even afer standing there for what felt like ages, he couldn't think of anything to say. Leopardfang was right no matter how much his brain wanted to deny it. Thrushstar had to push through this and get to the real truth. "I'm... sorry," he finally said, his body finally giving up as he sat down, tucking his head to the ground. He wanted to feel ashamed for what he had done but part of him deep inside still felt no remorse. It was a mix of feelings that hurt every time the leader thought about it. "You're right. I... am not fit as leader anymore. I've always just... tried so hard to do the right thing. To be... able to say that I made Shadowclan... better. I've let my own... emotions get in the way." Thrushstar took a deep breath, trying to clear his mind. Thoughts and nightmares still buzzed but it was soon quieted until the only sounds were from his raspy breathing and the movements from the several cats crowded in his den.

"I understand your qualms with me. Ever since... Mistflower died, everything just seems to have gotten so much worse. I'm not sure if... it's because of the clan or myself. When I lost her I... lost the ability to open up. I've bottled up everything for... so long that it's clouded my vision. At this point, too, it's been... difficult to keep our reputation as a clan... afloat. Taking the position as leader just... after Shadowclan was decimated by the... three clans for a single wrongdoer was so much harder than I... anticipated. I never wanted something like... that to ever happen again. Because of that, I've... tried so hard to keep this clan good and pure... to prove we're better than the others who... will rip each other apart any chance they get. But cat after cat would betray me... and ruin everything I've... worked so diligently to achieve. That goal, I see now, has become my... livelihood, even after all of those past leaders have joined Starclan..." With a heavy sigh, the leader closed his eyes, not daring to look at Leopardfang out of the guilt that filled his heart. "Please, forgive me Leopardfang. Help me become who I once was. I know I'm old and certainly getting... down to my last days, but I..." He paused, trying to figure out why this was so hard to say. "I trust you."